Small Talk (and something else)

[rhubarbo]

I posted this on another forum but figured I'd post it here also.

I thought this article was interesting:
How to Make Small Talk | The Art of Manliness

Simple formula: ARE - Anchor, Reveal, Encourage

I just kinda occasionally forget this stuff and I thought this reminder was good. This gets you in and out clean.
What cha think?

That site has other goodies too: How to End a Conversation Like a Man | The Art of Manliness

I'd be surprised if there are not a few aspergian contributors.

 

[Ylva]

This is almost like learning language from a book. (Too bad Teach Yourself and Rosetta Stone don't treat any of these subjects, huh?)

A blog is kind of like a book.

 

[Loomis]

I worked in a corporate environment for about thirty years and also worked in academia for another ten. During that time I learned to make eye contact, engage in small talk and navigate the politics in the various places I found myself. At times I made some terrible errors with severe consequences but mostly I passed as normal. While I learned to do these things, I hated it with a passion. All of this was before my diagnosis that came late in life i.e., less than a year ago.

What I like to do most when I am in a social situation is find a good spot for observing and just watch the people and work on maintaining a calm mind. I rarely approach anyone I do not know but I will respond if someone approaches me. Usually people do not approach me but that is fine because I am comfortable in my solitude.

 

[Ylva]

I liked this chapter: Improve Your Listening: 15 Tips to Improve Your Listening | The Art of Manliness

 

[epath13]

I posted this on another forum but figured I'd post it here also.

I thought this article was interesting:
How to Make Small Talk | The Art of Manliness

Simple formula: ARE - Anchor, Reveal, Encourage

I just kinda occasionally forget this stuff and I thought this reminder was good. This gets you in and out clean.
What cha think?

That site has other goodies too: How to End a Conversation Like a Man | The Art of Manliness

I'd be surprised if there are not a few aspergian contributors.

I've started learning how to do this at the age of 14-15 and became quite good at it... But ... It turned into exhausting "unpaid job" by "unpaid job", I mean, that even though people did enjoy having conversations with someone who seemed so interested in them, some of them didn't want to give much back. They didn't ask me about my interests and what I was doing, or feeling, or experiencing. Some people, of course were interested in 2 sided conversation, but, in my case, most of them realized I was different and hard to relate to, or maybe a little difficult to deal with, and that's how conversations usually ended. So basically, it seemed to me that I constantly needed to keep my opinions in check, try not to express mine, instead joke or ask questions. In the end I got tired. From time to time I do enjoy those conversations, but then get back to my own world. Eventually I did find a few people who accept me for who I was and listened. But all those conversations just for the sake of a conversation can be very draining to me, because, in the end, it's not natural, and I constantly have to run this "programm". But it can be fun and not that hard to learn how to do, depends what you're trying to achieve.

Pretty nice article, btw.

 

[rhubarbo]

I worked in a corporate environment for about thirty years and also worked in academia for another ten. During that time I learned to make eye contact, engage in small talk and navigate the politics in the various places I found myself. At times I made some terrible errors with severe consequences but mostly I passed as normal. While I learned to do these things, I hated it with a passion. All of this was before my diagnosis that came late in life i.e., less than a year ago. .

I am about mid-career. I got my diag about 4-5 months ago and, with considerable difficulty, I too have learned many of these things but I think it's probably only enough to get by minimally. Small talk is one particular area I had the liberty to simply avoid in the past (out of disdain) but I am now in a career position where it's really a requirement. Just reading the link I posted above made my squirm - I mean what's the point? It's empty conversion about weather or whatever (argh!) but I also realize it's necessary to the NT world. Being aspergian in an NT world is akin to being an American living in a foreign country : to just get by you don't have to learn the language and culture in order to act in ways that are foreign - but if you intend to thrive it is, with few exceptions, a requirement to do so. That is, at least in public .

I've started learning how to do this at the age of 14-15 and became quite good at it... But ... It turned into exhausting "unpaid job" by "unpaid job", I mean, that even though people did enjoy having conversations with someone who seemed so interested in them, some of them didn't want to give much back. They didn't ask me about my interests and what I was doing, or feeling, or experiencing. Some people, of course were interested in 2 sided conversation, but, in my case, most of them realized I was different and hard to relate to, or maybe a little difficult to deal with, and that's how conversations usually ended. So basically, it seemed to me that I constantly needed to keep my opinions in check, try not to express mine, instead joke or ask questions. In the end I got tired. From time to time I do enjoy those conversations, but then get back to my own world. Eventually I did find a few people who accept me for who I was and listened. But all those conversations just for the sake of a conversation can be very draining to me, because, in the end, it's not natural, and I constantly have to run this "programm". But it can be fun and not that hard to learn how to do, depends what you're trying to achieve.

Pretty nice article, btw.

I also relate to what you are saying. Exhaustion is a big key with this especially considering the lack of truly reciprocal conversation. It's hard enough for us aspies to coherently relay any of our feelings and emotions in any of these conversations in the first place, let alone not getting any feedback.