UpAllNightReading
Member
Hi everyone.
I've just recently self-diagnosed as Asperger's after constantly finding myself hitting a brick wall in my marriage. I thought we were happy, and from my perspective we were, but my wife kept trying to explain that her emotional needs weren't being met, that she didn't think I cared about her at all, that she'd resigned herself that it was just going to be like this forever. I tried to explain how much I cared, and that she was everything in the world to me, but I just didn't know how to express what she needs to hear.
We've kind of joked that I might be Asperger's every once in a while, but it was never taken seriously. All we knew about Asperger's is what you see in movies and TV: a whole lot of really quirky characters with weird, twitchy facial tics and no social lives -- definitely not normal. Not like me.
But what I saw as normal just isn't normal to everyone around me. I'm constantly reminded that I need to smile, to look people in the eye when they're talking with me, to swing my arms a little when I walk instead of holding them stiffly at my sides. These were all dead giveaways to others around me that I was a little weird, but the social behavior I've learned over my lifetime helped mask the fact that I just never really fit in anywhere. I thought I fit in with my wife until she made me realize she's completely exhausted trying to "help" me.
Most evenings I spend hours upon hours not only reading comics and novels, but summarizing each issue or chapter in a spreadsheet and commenting on how those issues may tie in with a disparate issue from a completely different series or novel. I knew no one else did this kind of thing, or edit stories from a fiction group for fun, but that was just part of my quirky charm, right?
Well, less than a week ago, a comic-book blog I was reading clued me in to something. The writer was talking about Reed Richards, Mr. Fantastic of the Fantastic Four, and how he displays many qualities of a high-functioning individual on the autistic spectrum. I didn't think too much of it the first few times I read that idea, but for one particular issue (Fantastic Four #27) the blog writer explained a bit about why Reed Richards was reacting the way he did in a romantic situation. Without going into great detail about it, Reed Richards seemed unable to handle the kinds of complex emotions required for the situation. And as the blog writer used the plot to support his thesis on Reed Richards' autism, I started to realize that I really identified with him myself.
Out of curiosity more than anything, I looked up an autism quiz and quickly took it. The results surprised me when it suggested I might have autism. That led me to take a couple more tests and then discover that Asperger's is apparently considered a form of high-functioning autism.
I told my wife about the possibility, and she told me -- for the first time -- that she'd had several people suggest to me that I might have Asperger's, including her mother, but never thought to tell me about it. Maybe she thought she'd offend me or something, which I admit might have happened, as I can be quite defensive when I feel threatened, especially if I perceive my character is impugned.
Over the last few days I've been reading ebooks and blogs on the subject, listening to podcasts, and watching videos on YouTube, and it all fits. This answers a lingering puzzle that has hung over me all my life. I feel like a dehydrated man in a desert whose thirst is finally quenched with pure, clean water.
I looked up the five stages of grief, and I realized that I went from Step 1 (Denial) to Step 5 (Acceptance) without any of the intervening steps. But my wife is still on Step 1 to a certain extent. Like me, she's relieved that there's an explanation for me, but we've been together for so long that she'd begun to give up hope, and it will take some time to adjust to this new information. Although at first I wanted her to keep it a secret from everyone else, I quickly realized through my reading that she has as much a need to talk about it with others as I need to talk about it with her. So she's been talking to my mother and comparing notes with her. I suspect my dad also has Asperger's and was a major reason their marriage didn't last.
As for getting a formal diagnosis, I still need to figure out how I'm going to do that. But I am 100 percent certain that I am an Aspie, and I want to find out all I can about it. I suppose my main focus in these forums will be in finding ways to improve my marriage skills for the sake of my neurotypical (NT) wife. I also suspect our young son may be an Aspie and want to do everything I can to help him. My mom was great at raising me, but she was never armed with this knowledge and would become quite frustrated with me at times, especially when I often sank into depression in my late teen years.
Anyway, after taking several short quizzes, I also took a long quiz from rdos.net and thought I'd post the basic results here for posterity.
I've just recently self-diagnosed as Asperger's after constantly finding myself hitting a brick wall in my marriage. I thought we were happy, and from my perspective we were, but my wife kept trying to explain that her emotional needs weren't being met, that she didn't think I cared about her at all, that she'd resigned herself that it was just going to be like this forever. I tried to explain how much I cared, and that she was everything in the world to me, but I just didn't know how to express what she needs to hear.
We've kind of joked that I might be Asperger's every once in a while, but it was never taken seriously. All we knew about Asperger's is what you see in movies and TV: a whole lot of really quirky characters with weird, twitchy facial tics and no social lives -- definitely not normal. Not like me.
But what I saw as normal just isn't normal to everyone around me. I'm constantly reminded that I need to smile, to look people in the eye when they're talking with me, to swing my arms a little when I walk instead of holding them stiffly at my sides. These were all dead giveaways to others around me that I was a little weird, but the social behavior I've learned over my lifetime helped mask the fact that I just never really fit in anywhere. I thought I fit in with my wife until she made me realize she's completely exhausted trying to "help" me.
Most evenings I spend hours upon hours not only reading comics and novels, but summarizing each issue or chapter in a spreadsheet and commenting on how those issues may tie in with a disparate issue from a completely different series or novel. I knew no one else did this kind of thing, or edit stories from a fiction group for fun, but that was just part of my quirky charm, right?
Well, less than a week ago, a comic-book blog I was reading clued me in to something. The writer was talking about Reed Richards, Mr. Fantastic of the Fantastic Four, and how he displays many qualities of a high-functioning individual on the autistic spectrum. I didn't think too much of it the first few times I read that idea, but for one particular issue (Fantastic Four #27) the blog writer explained a bit about why Reed Richards was reacting the way he did in a romantic situation. Without going into great detail about it, Reed Richards seemed unable to handle the kinds of complex emotions required for the situation. And as the blog writer used the plot to support his thesis on Reed Richards' autism, I started to realize that I really identified with him myself.
Out of curiosity more than anything, I looked up an autism quiz and quickly took it. The results surprised me when it suggested I might have autism. That led me to take a couple more tests and then discover that Asperger's is apparently considered a form of high-functioning autism.
I told my wife about the possibility, and she told me -- for the first time -- that she'd had several people suggest to me that I might have Asperger's, including her mother, but never thought to tell me about it. Maybe she thought she'd offend me or something, which I admit might have happened, as I can be quite defensive when I feel threatened, especially if I perceive my character is impugned.
Over the last few days I've been reading ebooks and blogs on the subject, listening to podcasts, and watching videos on YouTube, and it all fits. This answers a lingering puzzle that has hung over me all my life. I feel like a dehydrated man in a desert whose thirst is finally quenched with pure, clean water.
I looked up the five stages of grief, and I realized that I went from Step 1 (Denial) to Step 5 (Acceptance) without any of the intervening steps. But my wife is still on Step 1 to a certain extent. Like me, she's relieved that there's an explanation for me, but we've been together for so long that she'd begun to give up hope, and it will take some time to adjust to this new information. Although at first I wanted her to keep it a secret from everyone else, I quickly realized through my reading that she has as much a need to talk about it with others as I need to talk about it with her. So she's been talking to my mother and comparing notes with her. I suspect my dad also has Asperger's and was a major reason their marriage didn't last.
As for getting a formal diagnosis, I still need to figure out how I'm going to do that. But I am 100 percent certain that I am an Aspie, and I want to find out all I can about it. I suppose my main focus in these forums will be in finding ways to improve my marriage skills for the sake of my neurotypical (NT) wife. I also suspect our young son may be an Aspie and want to do everything I can to help him. My mom was great at raising me, but she was never armed with this knowledge and would become quite frustrated with me at times, especially when I often sank into depression in my late teen years.
Anyway, after taking several short quizzes, I also took a long quiz from rdos.net and thought I'd post the basic results here for posterity.
Let me be the first to welcome you to AC. You'll find many others here who have discovered their autism later in life. There is a good relationships section of the forums, too, if you're interested.
