Dr. Smart
Well-Known Member
I sit here at my desk, crying for the first time in years. Not out of misery or loss, but out of fear, but also hope. Because I am split on what my decision should be for the rest of my life, I want to become a teacher, but I don’t want to fail. And failure is such a recurring theme in my life but not as much as stagnation in fear of failure. I don’t want to live the rest of my life working retail, its easy, its consistent, stress is limited and the pay is enough to keep me going, but it’s not fulfilling for me. I want to know I’m making a difference for the future in some way, and teaching feels like the right path for me, I want to inspire young minds, but what if I can’t what if all I’m good for is cleaning toilets and collecting trash, what if this is too big a risk but what if it’s not, what if I am a great teacher, what if I find the strength and grit I never knew I had, that nobody ever saw in me, and I work harder than I ever have before and learn everything I need to know and practice everything I need to do to be as good a teacher as those I remember growing up.
I have tears running down my face with no idea whether I should remain paralyzed waiting for the next easy opportunity to move up a step in the world, or if I should put all my effort and place all my bets on going back to college and going into a career in education. If I were a religious man I would probably seek a sign, look for inspiration in the world around me, faith in a coin flip to break the tie, but as an atheist I know I should only look to my mind, and my heart metaphorically speaking, a part of me likes this internal struggle, I rarely feel such intense emotion but I can’t help but think it’s just an excuse for me to not make up my mind. Seeking advice from others has failed to inspire me, with such confidence they tell me I’d be a great teacher and that I shouldn’t worry, but it feels so scripted, this is what they should say, what any good friend would tell someone, pursue your dreams, you’ll find the strength, you’ll do it right! But this leaves me unsatisfied, the conflict in my own mind dismissed by the confidence of someone who doesn’t know my limits, do I know my limits? I feel like I might underestimate myself, but maybe that’s just my overconfidence talking…
The tears have long since dried by this point, replaced by a headache as the intense emotion I mentioned before has dissipated to mere indecision. Writing my thoughts like this while therapeutic easily distracts from such feelings in favor of intense concentration. I find myself focused on only what I want to say rather than how I feel, and yet I am no closer to a decision, I can see my passion in a form I’ve never really solidified in such a way before, but also the risk I have always known was there.
Is failure worth the chance of success? Student debt. Again. The feeling of failure and the depression that comes with it, I have only a few times felt that in recent years, but I remember a time it was a regular part of my week. I don’t want to ever feel that again, but is it any better to live an unfulfilled life for any longer? The tears are back, I think I might have had a certain period in my life repressed a bit until right this moment, I guess I’ve figured out the root of my fear. Fear of failure was pretty obvious, but fear of the state I was in after highschool, when I failed college the first time and couldn’t hold down a job. I was miserable. I distracted myself by spending all my time on a computer, which was what made it easy for my parents to ridicule me for not doing a better job at pursuing a job. Rightfully so I might add. I don’t want to ever be like that again, but how is this different, sure I can tell myself I am an adult now, I pay my own bills and I work every day, I’m not depresses, I’m actually usually content, but I use that as a safety net, I never stray too far from what keeps me exactly where I am in life, and I continue to distract myself just like I did back then. Have I really changed?
The tears have stopped again but not dried quite yet, that was not the enjoyable type of intense, it wasn’t a struggle that I knew I was having and that I needed to let out, it was something I think I may have been hiding from for years. This is interesting I never thought writing my thoughts out like this would have such an effect.
So do I let fear win, just as I was starting to think maybe it was obvious I shouldn’t be scared, the reality of what I might go back to came crashing back, looking at everything I’ve said, if I wasn’t feeling how I do, if this was someone else, I would say exactly what I have been hearing from others, take the risk, it’s worth going forward, you can do this, you clearly have the motivation you need to overcome your fears… even from myself it feels meaningless, logical, yes, but I’m now hyperaware of the metaphorical hell that awaits me if I do what I usually do, slack off, procrastinate, under commit to what I promised myself I would commit to. I wat to be the workaholic stereotypical ocd guy who makes sure that everything is done perfectly and on time and is always organized and ready for the next task, that’s never been me. I have never had a system that worked for me, at least not long term, and if I go back to college the stress and workload might get to me. What if I’m just not good enough, if I do put everything into it and still come out a failure, or what if I continue to get through college but have small failures along the way, will I feel that fresh hell over and over again every time I get a bad grade, or have to retake a class?
I didn’t think I’d be a faucet turning on and off, dry now, but I have gone back and forth. This has added to my perspective but the overwhelming indecisiveness still lurks, some how every time I mention a fear that would shift me away, stubborn pride just boosts the “but you’ll overcome it” hallmark card side of me as if the greater the fear and greater the risk, improves the reward just as much. I suppose that’s a good thing, I need to take risks, I need to improve my life I know these things I know if I want to have a life worth living it can’t be half assed, but I … but… I guess that’s the thing, I can’t stop it with the but, its like I want to be indecisive, I want to treat both sides like they are equal, my inner moderate wants to keep debating this philosophical debate forever, not coming to any meaningful conclusion. This writing thing may have helped me express some of the emotions I’ve repressed, even some I didn’t know about, but I don’t think this mode of thinking will ever allow me to come to a conclusion, as long as I am trying to explain my indecision, I will continue to give both sides merit as if balancing a scale will justify my excuse making indecisive contradictory self.
I have tears running down my face with no idea whether I should remain paralyzed waiting for the next easy opportunity to move up a step in the world, or if I should put all my effort and place all my bets on going back to college and going into a career in education. If I were a religious man I would probably seek a sign, look for inspiration in the world around me, faith in a coin flip to break the tie, but as an atheist I know I should only look to my mind, and my heart metaphorically speaking, a part of me likes this internal struggle, I rarely feel such intense emotion but I can’t help but think it’s just an excuse for me to not make up my mind. Seeking advice from others has failed to inspire me, with such confidence they tell me I’d be a great teacher and that I shouldn’t worry, but it feels so scripted, this is what they should say, what any good friend would tell someone, pursue your dreams, you’ll find the strength, you’ll do it right! But this leaves me unsatisfied, the conflict in my own mind dismissed by the confidence of someone who doesn’t know my limits, do I know my limits? I feel like I might underestimate myself, but maybe that’s just my overconfidence talking…
The tears have long since dried by this point, replaced by a headache as the intense emotion I mentioned before has dissipated to mere indecision. Writing my thoughts like this while therapeutic easily distracts from such feelings in favor of intense concentration. I find myself focused on only what I want to say rather than how I feel, and yet I am no closer to a decision, I can see my passion in a form I’ve never really solidified in such a way before, but also the risk I have always known was there.
Is failure worth the chance of success? Student debt. Again. The feeling of failure and the depression that comes with it, I have only a few times felt that in recent years, but I remember a time it was a regular part of my week. I don’t want to ever feel that again, but is it any better to live an unfulfilled life for any longer? The tears are back, I think I might have had a certain period in my life repressed a bit until right this moment, I guess I’ve figured out the root of my fear. Fear of failure was pretty obvious, but fear of the state I was in after highschool, when I failed college the first time and couldn’t hold down a job. I was miserable. I distracted myself by spending all my time on a computer, which was what made it easy for my parents to ridicule me for not doing a better job at pursuing a job. Rightfully so I might add. I don’t want to ever be like that again, but how is this different, sure I can tell myself I am an adult now, I pay my own bills and I work every day, I’m not depresses, I’m actually usually content, but I use that as a safety net, I never stray too far from what keeps me exactly where I am in life, and I continue to distract myself just like I did back then. Have I really changed?
The tears have stopped again but not dried quite yet, that was not the enjoyable type of intense, it wasn’t a struggle that I knew I was having and that I needed to let out, it was something I think I may have been hiding from for years. This is interesting I never thought writing my thoughts out like this would have such an effect.
So do I let fear win, just as I was starting to think maybe it was obvious I shouldn’t be scared, the reality of what I might go back to came crashing back, looking at everything I’ve said, if I wasn’t feeling how I do, if this was someone else, I would say exactly what I have been hearing from others, take the risk, it’s worth going forward, you can do this, you clearly have the motivation you need to overcome your fears… even from myself it feels meaningless, logical, yes, but I’m now hyperaware of the metaphorical hell that awaits me if I do what I usually do, slack off, procrastinate, under commit to what I promised myself I would commit to. I wat to be the workaholic stereotypical ocd guy who makes sure that everything is done perfectly and on time and is always organized and ready for the next task, that’s never been me. I have never had a system that worked for me, at least not long term, and if I go back to college the stress and workload might get to me. What if I’m just not good enough, if I do put everything into it and still come out a failure, or what if I continue to get through college but have small failures along the way, will I feel that fresh hell over and over again every time I get a bad grade, or have to retake a class?
I didn’t think I’d be a faucet turning on and off, dry now, but I have gone back and forth. This has added to my perspective but the overwhelming indecisiveness still lurks, some how every time I mention a fear that would shift me away, stubborn pride just boosts the “but you’ll overcome it” hallmark card side of me as if the greater the fear and greater the risk, improves the reward just as much. I suppose that’s a good thing, I need to take risks, I need to improve my life I know these things I know if I want to have a life worth living it can’t be half assed, but I … but… I guess that’s the thing, I can’t stop it with the but, its like I want to be indecisive, I want to treat both sides like they are equal, my inner moderate wants to keep debating this philosophical debate forever, not coming to any meaningful conclusion. This writing thing may have helped me express some of the emotions I’ve repressed, even some I didn’t know about, but I don’t think this mode of thinking will ever allow me to come to a conclusion, as long as I am trying to explain my indecision, I will continue to give both sides merit as if balancing a scale will justify my excuse making indecisive contradictory self.
