So I didn't attend a colleagues wedding

[savi83]

A couple of years ago a new guy joined my team. We got paired up quite a bit as he was still learning the job.

He is a very emotional person and opened up to me straight off the bat, telling me that he felt low due to his girlfriend breaking up with him. This made me feel uncomfortable as I'm not a fan of discussing emotions or personal life. Work is work, and my personal life is my personal life. He dragged me into talking about it - I reassured him and quickly directed the conversation back onto work.

He found a new girlfriend and after eighteen months he invited me (and my girlfriend of twelve years) to their house warming. During the night he proposed to his girlfriend and she said yes which prompted people to start talking about my relationship. "When are you getting married?" Which made me feel even more uncomfortable.

He asked me to go to the wedding. I said, "no, it's not my thing". He knew that I didn't go to another colleagues wedding the year before, but for some reason thought that I'd go to his. Simply, large gatherings make me feel awkward and tire me out.

He's recently got married and has now left a couple of WhatsApp groups that we were in together.

I'm not sure what the other people in the groups think about him leaving. I think he's being petty leaving the groups, am I wrong?

 

[Tom]

I think a lot of NT folks, not being familiar with ASD, would be offended by your simply not attending. They wouldn't understand that. I would have at least made up good excuse (ie. wife having elbow transplant on that day) and given them a nice gift (money).

 

[Isadoorian]

It should be noted you're under no obligation to attend such events. If someone makes a fuss, that's on them for having too high expectations.

About a month ago there was a headstone move (a new headstone to replace the old one) for a great-grandma of mine who I basically never knew existed or personally knew, and I didn't attend it, and thankfully no one made any issues out of it.

And I think him leaving the chat groups isn't too weird or anything; I'd say most leave them after there being little to no use of them after a period of time, especially if the intended use of the group has expired(i.e. Event Planning)

 

[Aspychata]

It's a work type thing. You don't really have to attend.

I had this co-worker pushed on me that l should give her a ride because we were in the same area. Forget it, we are just co-workers, l don't really know you, l am not obligated to be your chauffeur or attend your wedding. I didn't state any excuse either. If she had asked me about a ride, l probably would say l wasn't comfortable with it. End of subject.

Co-worker is just a co-worker, nothing more.

 

[unperson]

I will never get all the time back I spent listening to co-workers moan about their partner, and I absolutely loathe weddings. I did a no-show at the last one I was invited to. Didn't know how to politely refuse to attend.

 

[Richelle-H]

Co-worker is just a co-worker, nothing more.

I am not sure that is 100% true if you work and interact with the same person for 20 years, as I have. You get to know somebody a bit more than you might think and it would be awkward to reject an invitation to something by a co-worker because it makes you uncomfortable. Life is downright uncomfortable at times, even for NTs.

So I have been to a co-workers house for a barbeque, and I still hear from them randomly even though I retired and moved a little over 5 years ago. They even sent me a happy birthday text this year. So a co-worker can become something more when time gets involved.

I may hate large crowds of people, I might abhor parties, but that does not mean I avoid all social situations because it makes me uncomfortable. I jump in sometimes, for you never know what may come of it, and you never will, if you deny yourself the chance. I met my life partner by jumping blind into something that at the time was not my thing. I am just saying....

He's recently got married and has now left a couple of WhatsApp groups that we were in together.

I'm not sure what the other people in the groups think about him leaving. I think he's being petty leaving the groups, am I wrong?

Here is the thing about marriage, it changes things in some unexpected ways. You cannot be certain of his motivation for leaving, and I would be loathe to assume it was because you did not go to his wedding. His spouse may have exerted some pressure; it could be from lack of time (marriage adds wild card factors to anyone's life).

I am not saying your attitude is wrong, just that you should always keep an open mind when dealing with the so called normal world. Otherwise, you might buy yourself a lot of angst without a good reason.

Be well.

 

[Aspychata]

@Richelle-H

All good points. We set the tone for relationships in the work place. Pensions and long-job security has gone out the window, as a result, work is less about building friendships.


But l believe it was different quite some time back.

 

[Martha Ferris]

I think that you may be making an assumption about why he left the groups you were in. Marriage places demands on ones time and can change one's focus and interests. It may have nothing to do with you.

 

[savi83]

I think a lot of NT folks, not being familiar with ASD, would be offended by your simply not attending. They wouldn't understand that. I would have at least made up good excuse (ie. wife having elbow transplant on that day) and given them a nice gift (money).

I have never told anyone that I work with about my ASD, they probably can tell but I've never had a reason to bring it up.

He knew the reasons why I didn't go to my other colleagues wedding, so I thought it would be best for me to be honest with him. I thought he would be more understanding.

After I declined the invitation he went weird. A few months ago he changed departments and we haven't spoke since. I didn't get them a present as they weren't due to get married until this October, but they brought it forward to early last month and I didn't find out until a couple of weeks later.

Not sure what the etiquette is in relation to belated present giving, seems weird now over a month later.

 

[savi83]

Co-worker is just a co-worker, nothing more.

Exactly, this is my point. If it wasn't for us working together there would be no reason at all for us to have ever come into contact with each other.

I have been on a new team for a couple of months now, and they are really pushing the "team means family" thing. They want to have lunch together, etc. Due to my workload I have been able to work on my own so get to avoid most of the team stuff.

I join in now and again to show my face so that I do not alienate them too much. I have come to understand that management don't just measure performance on productivity.

 

[savi83]

I think that you may be making an assumption about why he left the groups you were in. Marriage places demands on ones time and can change one's focus and interests. It may have nothing to do with you.

There are other members who have got married and had children, and stayed in the group. I do not understand how only his marriage can have that much of an impact. What changes when a couple goes from living together, to being married and living together?

The groups were set up to share information relevant to our new role. There are two areas, so two groups. It helped me to get signed off. It doesn't make sense for him to leave the groups as he has so much work to do in order for him to get signed off.

I have been signed off but I have stayed in the groups as people bring up questions which make you look at problems we are likely to come across.

As stated previously, I have found him to be quite emotional and makes decisions on emotion rather than logic so believe that this is the only logical explanation.

 

[unperson]

They want the presents for their cash value. My European in-laws expect gold! We're just patsies to this wedding greedist cult. If they really loved each other, all they need is each other, surely.

 

[Aspychata]

This whole "family thing" pushed by the company meaning lunch, we need breaks from family too. Lunch is a time to de-stress and relax. Alot of us have to run errands at lunch. The company has no right to micromanage every waking moment of yours unless they are paying some god astronomical salary with stock options and new lease car every year. Which l highly doubt in this economical climate.

 

[Tom]

They want the presents for their cash value. My European in-laws expect gold! We're just patsies to this wedding greedist cult. If they really loved each other, all they need is each other, surely.

Gave me an idea. He should leave several bushels of grain, some amphora of wine and two goats tethered in his co-workers front yard.