So, yeah, as the title says. This was a bad one, too (or at least, I perceived it as such at the time, which is the important distinction here). Just utterly wrecked me from anxiety and fear.
I'd started noticing that I've been having... strange vision issues. Well, it had been there for awhile but I'd never TRULY noticed it. Just abruptly, about a week ago, I finally mentally focused on it enough for it to properly register with me.
Hard to explain exactly what it is. Like a... smear and a crawling thing. Not going to try to describe it in great detail. These things happen in specific conditions, but it's super predictable, it's not like this really rare occurance.
As soon as this registered with me, terror descended. I got REALLY messed up from just the sheer overwhelming stress of that. It was... bad.
So, we set up an appointment for a full eye exam. All the tests! I had to wait about a week to get in though. I gotta say, that week was torturous. I couldnt stop thinking about it. And since I was now hyperfocused on it, I'd 100% notice EVERY little occurance of it. Couldnt function during the day, was losing a lot of sleep at night. Which is how you know when I'm REALLY messed up. Normally I sleep like the dead, and nothing will wake me. But over that week? Yeah, that wasnt working right. The paranoia was too much.
Get to the day of the appointment, fear level has risen to the point where I'm just shaky and nearly in tears over and over again. I manage to calm myself down immediately before making the bloody stupid drive over there (it's a route through the #1 area that I just loathe). Get to the place, do the reception stuff, go sit down. Twenty minutes of just... trying to hold it together.
Then it's finally time to go in and have all the tests and examinations be done. All the fun stuff like the weird... green thing, or that unpleasant gizmo that blasts you in the eyes with air. And of course they always do the traditional "read the letters on the wall". THAT didnt help. I'm very nearsighted and have astigmatism, particularly in my left eye. Already being stressed out and then having trouble reading the second freaking line (with my left eye) was seriously not helping my anxiety. Even though being super nearsighted isnt exactly new.
Get in, time for more up-close examination with the doctor. Trying to hold it together, just trying not to freak out... I did tell them going in that I'm on the spectrum, have a million sensory issues, and am nearly falling over with anxiety, so they worked with me on that one.
So, what was the result, after all was said and done? Well... nothing. The doctor launched into this very long explanation of how/why it works, complete with those really unpleasant "here lets look at these EXTREMELY DETAILED images of the inside of your own eyes and I'm going to point out every tiny detail" part. I always hated that part.
She explains to me that all the test results came back fine, really... what I experience is sorta just something that goes along with nearsightedness for some people. Not exactly out of the norm, and there's nothing ACTUALLY wrong. She gave an example too, pointing out that she's even more nearsighted than I am and gets an even weirder effect sometimes... I think I blocked half of that distressing explanation out but I do remember the words "glass waterfall" was involved somewhere, which is a term I dont think I'll ever forget. More detail about the how/why. I didnt understand most of it, I'm not an eyeball scientist, but the general gist was... yeah, I'm okay. Very nearsighted, the glasses I use when driving need a slight update (oddly though, the other pair that I use when at my desk do not need updating). But "very nearsighted" has always been the case, really.
And after all of that, I'm still just physically wrecked from having stressed myself out so very badly... I'm still sorta recovering from that, and that appointment was a number of days ago.
And I ask myself, for the 5000th time: Why the heck do I do this to myself? Every time. EVERY time. The slightest "health" issue, which could be just anything, gets me scared. Particularly the headaches I get. I dont know why that one gets me so bad. I *know* what the headaches are from. I've had MRIs done and everything, the doctor at the time has explained to me in great detail what causes them, my physical therapist has also explained it like 50 times, so I completely understand it. Yet still, I get one, the fear sets in. Every time.
I realize, too, that what I'd described about the eye issues probably wouldnt have sent most people into a complete panic spiral. I had explained it to my father, who has gone through ACTUAL bad eye problems (I've mentioned that ordeal before on here) and has been forced to learn way more about the topic than he ever wanted to... he kept telling me that I didnt need to be scared, and the appointment would go well. He tried his best to get me to calm the heck down (more than once). It didnt work. It never works.
This wasnt even the worst example, either. The actual worst was that time they prescribed me Prednisone for pain (this being... after a car crash, I think it was?) You think Valium or Vicodin are strong? Nothing compared to that. The next month was a waking nightmare. I've never been so completely messed up in my life. Ever heard of "paradoxical insomnia"? Yeah. Neither had I. That was years ago, and I now have a nasty phobia related to insomnia and sleep problems. Which I dont actually have, I sleep like the dead every single night/day/something, and I have to be seriously messed up for something to interfere with that. Still have the fear of it though. There's no logical reason to be scared of that, but that particular fear hits me pretty often, actually.
Just... uuuuuuuugh. Always with this stuff, that paranoia over health things. So tired of that endless fear. There's always something. And often no logic.
I dunno, sorta venting here. All that stress and then the frustration afterwards definitely got to me more than a bit. Does anyone else here go through that kind of fear to that level? Or am I just a complete mess? Bah.
I'd started noticing that I've been having... strange vision issues. Well, it had been there for awhile but I'd never TRULY noticed it. Just abruptly, about a week ago, I finally mentally focused on it enough for it to properly register with me.
Hard to explain exactly what it is. Like a... smear and a crawling thing. Not going to try to describe it in great detail. These things happen in specific conditions, but it's super predictable, it's not like this really rare occurance.
As soon as this registered with me, terror descended. I got REALLY messed up from just the sheer overwhelming stress of that. It was... bad.
So, we set up an appointment for a full eye exam. All the tests! I had to wait about a week to get in though. I gotta say, that week was torturous. I couldnt stop thinking about it. And since I was now hyperfocused on it, I'd 100% notice EVERY little occurance of it. Couldnt function during the day, was losing a lot of sleep at night. Which is how you know when I'm REALLY messed up. Normally I sleep like the dead, and nothing will wake me. But over that week? Yeah, that wasnt working right. The paranoia was too much.
Get to the day of the appointment, fear level has risen to the point where I'm just shaky and nearly in tears over and over again. I manage to calm myself down immediately before making the bloody stupid drive over there (it's a route through the #1 area that I just loathe). Get to the place, do the reception stuff, go sit down. Twenty minutes of just... trying to hold it together.
Then it's finally time to go in and have all the tests and examinations be done. All the fun stuff like the weird... green thing, or that unpleasant gizmo that blasts you in the eyes with air. And of course they always do the traditional "read the letters on the wall". THAT didnt help. I'm very nearsighted and have astigmatism, particularly in my left eye. Already being stressed out and then having trouble reading the second freaking line (with my left eye) was seriously not helping my anxiety. Even though being super nearsighted isnt exactly new.
Get in, time for more up-close examination with the doctor. Trying to hold it together, just trying not to freak out... I did tell them going in that I'm on the spectrum, have a million sensory issues, and am nearly falling over with anxiety, so they worked with me on that one.
So, what was the result, after all was said and done? Well... nothing. The doctor launched into this very long explanation of how/why it works, complete with those really unpleasant "here lets look at these EXTREMELY DETAILED images of the inside of your own eyes and I'm going to point out every tiny detail" part. I always hated that part.
She explains to me that all the test results came back fine, really... what I experience is sorta just something that goes along with nearsightedness for some people. Not exactly out of the norm, and there's nothing ACTUALLY wrong. She gave an example too, pointing out that she's even more nearsighted than I am and gets an even weirder effect sometimes... I think I blocked half of that distressing explanation out but I do remember the words "glass waterfall" was involved somewhere, which is a term I dont think I'll ever forget. More detail about the how/why. I didnt understand most of it, I'm not an eyeball scientist, but the general gist was... yeah, I'm okay. Very nearsighted, the glasses I use when driving need a slight update (oddly though, the other pair that I use when at my desk do not need updating). But "very nearsighted" has always been the case, really.
And after all of that, I'm still just physically wrecked from having stressed myself out so very badly... I'm still sorta recovering from that, and that appointment was a number of days ago.
And I ask myself, for the 5000th time: Why the heck do I do this to myself? Every time. EVERY time. The slightest "health" issue, which could be just anything, gets me scared. Particularly the headaches I get. I dont know why that one gets me so bad. I *know* what the headaches are from. I've had MRIs done and everything, the doctor at the time has explained to me in great detail what causes them, my physical therapist has also explained it like 50 times, so I completely understand it. Yet still, I get one, the fear sets in. Every time.
I realize, too, that what I'd described about the eye issues probably wouldnt have sent most people into a complete panic spiral. I had explained it to my father, who has gone through ACTUAL bad eye problems (I've mentioned that ordeal before on here) and has been forced to learn way more about the topic than he ever wanted to... he kept telling me that I didnt need to be scared, and the appointment would go well. He tried his best to get me to calm the heck down (more than once). It didnt work. It never works.
This wasnt even the worst example, either. The actual worst was that time they prescribed me Prednisone for pain (this being... after a car crash, I think it was?) You think Valium or Vicodin are strong? Nothing compared to that. The next month was a waking nightmare. I've never been so completely messed up in my life. Ever heard of "paradoxical insomnia"? Yeah. Neither had I. That was years ago, and I now have a nasty phobia related to insomnia and sleep problems. Which I dont actually have, I sleep like the dead every single night/day/something, and I have to be seriously messed up for something to interfere with that. Still have the fear of it though. There's no logical reason to be scared of that, but that particular fear hits me pretty often, actually.
Just... uuuuuuuugh. Always with this stuff, that paranoia over health things. So tired of that endless fear. There's always something. And often no logic.
I dunno, sorta venting here. All that stress and then the frustration afterwards definitely got to me more than a bit. Does anyone else here go through that kind of fear to that level? Or am I just a complete mess? Bah.
