So my psych was right after all

[vergil96]

So I met with a friend and we got completely drunk and both had a stream of consciousness type of convo. (Yay, a human wanted to befriend me... I struggle with that...) She's a lesbian and I'm transgedner male, so nothing awkward about it, if you wondered that I'm a guy and she's a girl. So in this 100% honest stream of consciousness she showed that she feels ignored by me at times, because when I concentrate on what she's saying I don't look at her, but... somewhere. At a wall or some object in the background. We also danced and she was like: why are you looking behind me? So I looked at her eyebrows and nose and she was like, where the hell are you looking, am I ugly, so ok, I looked her straight in the eye for like a couple of seconds and then back at the eyebrow, then she asked jokingly again if she's ugly, and what's wrong with me, she was looking into my eyes much more. It bacame so blatantly obvious that there is some difference between us in that regard and that it's large. She also felt sad that I don't want to sleep in her flat (I wouldn't be able to fall asleep) and a couple of other things came up that she perceived as friendly and I perceived as physically uncomfortable. I got the impression that people like her might think I'm standoffish and don't like them, don't want to hang out with them, while... I'm avoiding physical discomfort, as simple as that. It's not about them as people. So it turned out that I don't look at people as much as expected and don't even know that and this and all kinds of sensory discomforts are what hinders my social interactions. I'm stunned. Or rather I'm actually shocked. I thought my psych just went with stereotypes, but I'm actually somewhere on the autism spectrum. I had no clue that there is such a big difference in how I and others perceive sensory input. It makes sense now. And they misread my reactions to stimuli as having to do with them personally, because they can't imagine what the world looks like to an aspie and it doesn't cross their minds what possibly I have in front of my eyes. And I don't stand out with autistic traits, I don't come across as weird or clumsy, socially awkward, anything like that. So they think I'm withdrawn, standoffish, arrogant etc. I was aware of certain oversensitivities, but I had no clue that the difference is that big. I'm seriously rethinking all sorts of topics, I think I'm underestimating some of my problems with e.g. getting ready for university/work and household chores, being in public places etc. If most of the population sees everything like my friend does, then I think I should treat the issue of sensory input with much more care, because it doesn't seem at all like expectations about things like household chores or public spaces are NOT made with me in mind at all and no wonder that my mental health isn't perfect.

So I've been just taking it easy for the last couple of days and listening to music while trying to do something that requires concentration, didn't fight stimming and didn't talk to anyone when I felt too tired for that... and my ADHD vanished. It wasn't ADHD, it was anxiety. I don't feel restless and the fix was relatively simple.

I don't expect any advice in response. I'm just venting.

 

[Rodafina]

Sounds like you learned and realized so much from the interactions with your friend. No advice, just recognizing your post.

 

[Aspychata]

Great you could step back and see the bigger picture. You are maturing.

 

[UberScout]

Great you could step back and see the bigger picture. You are maturing.

"Maturing"...

I'm starting to hate that word.

 

[Luca]

Sounds like you are very insightful and self-aware. I'm glad you had this learning experience with your friend.
Listening to music is always good stress relief. And you don't have to fight stimming, that might actually make you more anxious and agitated. It's good to have moments where you can just be you.

 

[Gerontius]

Eye contact uses up a lot of mental energy. Good luck bro.
We get a bad reputation of being very standoffish and snobbish--Autistic socialization is a very different type of socialization than most people are used to.

 

[UberScout]

Eye contact uses up a lot of mental energy. Good luck bro.
We get a bad reputation of being very standoffish and snobbish--Autistic socialization is a very different type of socialization than most people are used to.

People usually say "what's in a name" but I ask them "What's in a reputation?"

 

[vergil96]

I told her in response to her concerns that I like her but my therapist thinks I have autism, and that's why I do these things - avoiding eye contact or other things that seem "normal".

Sounds like you are very insightful and self-aware. I'm glad you had this learning experience with your friend.
Listening to music is always good stress relief. And you don't have to fight stimming, that might actually make you more anxious and agitated. It's good to have moments where you can just be you.

I used to think that I use music as a "safe" distractor for ADHD, but I think unexpected sounds distract me in general.

Yeah, exactly, supressing stimming when I need it is super bad for my mental health. I seriously thought that it's some form of OCD that I need to fight. When something was too hard for me recently, I shut off playing something compulsively for a few hours and... calmed down. I usually have a problem that I just can't calm down in any manner, I tried everything, nothing works and it damages my mental and physical health in consequence. It seems like stimming is a natural self-balancing mechanism.

Eye contact uses up a lot of mental energy. Good luck bro.
We get a bad reputation of being very standoffish and snobbish--Autistic socialization is a very different type of socialization than most people are used to.

Staying at a distance and little eye contact combined with detailed ranting might seem like you think you know better, can't it?

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Eye contact uses up a lot of mental energy.

Oh golly yes it does.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

On one hand, self-awareness of how you appear to others is important and can explain how and why people interact with you the way they do. That is useful information. As much as I hate photos and videos of myself, because it becomes quite apparent, but I do find it somewhat useful.

On the other hand, knowing that information, and if you are truly concerned with that perception, then that requires some masking/camouflaging of your natural autistic behaviors. It can be quite exhausting, and is difficult to maintain, as you are likely aware.

I work with the public and with a large team of people. I really have to pace myself. Otherwise, I am absolutely trashed by the end of the day.

 

[vergil96]

On one hand, self-awareness of how you appear to others is important and can explain how and why people interact with you the way they do. That is useful information. As much as I hate photos and videos of myself, because it becomes quite apparent, but I do find it somewhat useful.

On the other hand, knowing that information, and if you are truly concerned with that perception, then that requires some masking/camouflaging of your natural autistic behaviors. It can be quite exhausting, and is difficult to maintain, as you are likely aware.

I work with the public and with a large team of people. I really have to pace myself. Otherwise, I am absolutely trashed by the end of the day.

Definitely, too many interactions, especially if you do some of the things that are too overwhelming can can be exhausting.

Tbh I'm rather approaching it in a manner that if someone makes a sad face or starts to hesitate continuing what they were saying, because I'm looking to the side to concentrate, I'm telling them that I'm concentrating and it has wkrked so far. Or I'm telling them why I don't want to do something even if it's "weird" and that it's not about them. I had no clue that people thought things like that mean I'm disinterested and don't like them.

 

[Luca]

Definitely, too many interactions, especially if you do some of the things that are too overwhelming can can be exhausting.

Tbh I'm rather approaching it in a manner that if someone makes a sad face or starts to hesitate continuing what they were saying, because I'm looking to the side to concentrate, I'm telling them that I'm concentrating and it has wkrked so far. Or I'm telling them why I don't want to do something even if it's "weird" and that it's not about them. I had no clue that people thought things like that mean I'm disinterested and don't like them.

It's not your fault. People often think I'm disinterested or don't like them because I can be standoffish and kind of "blank" when I first meet people. A lot of my irl friends have actually said "I thought you didn't like me at first."

Telling them that it's because you're concentrating or that it's not about them is great communication and I'm glad it's working.