Sobriety

[Raggamuffin]

152 days with no weed or alcohol. Substances I had long since abused to take the edge of prolonged depression and anxiety. Living in a fog helped dull certain senses and emotions and brought about new problems of their own. I'm nearly 34 and living with a clear head for the first time since my early 20’s feels intense.

I quit because I could not handle the guilt and negative side effects any longer. Whilst quitting cold turkey was a sudden change; the positive effects of sobriety feel like a slow burn rather than providing any profound moments. 13 years of abusing substances and I have finally stepped out of the fog. Life without a filter means the highs and lows feel a lot more potent.

Other noticeable changes are tics and traits that I’ve done my best to keep hidden from people are harder to supress. It’s exhausting pretending to be someone you’re not, for it to all come rising to the surface as soon as I'm on my own. A few months ago, after a long running suspicion I began reading about the autism spectrum. Aspects of myself I’d long considered weird and defective were listed in numerous articles, websites, and this forum.

The sense of closure was quite intense, but I also was left somewhat confused about how to proceed. A 12 month wait for an NHS diagnosis or over £1000 for a private one, and even if I were diagnosed, I fail to see what it would change. I’m sure there’d be a degree of closure, but there is no desire for me to receive benefits, or to be treated any differently at work. Nothing changes the fact it is a lifelong condition and I have no intention of living on prescription drugs or undergoing behavioural therapy to try and change who I am as a person.

I did numerous online tests with questions taken from official assessments and each one showed I had a very high probability for having Asperger’s. The articles I read and the people and advice on this forum have helped me to understand and normalise what I have hidden and considered abnormal for most of my life.

Since my teens I knew where I wanted my life to go. Unfortunately, I was told this was not “career friendly” and embarked on a different path that I felt lived up to what others expected of me. Intense doubts and depression followed me along this journey as I dropped out of college and university after years investing time in subjects, I had no passion or interest for. As with many people, I became an unwilling participant in the rat race. Stuck in office jobs: working the 9-5 and living from weekend to weekend. Life has flown by and the bitterness, impatience and resentment has grown each year.

I began drawing again not long after I started my first job and substance abuse followed shortly after. Both were a guaranteed means to help me escape the reality I had made for myself. Unfortunately, the idea of moderation fell by the wayside and I began on a downward spiral with self-destructive behaviours.

Slowly, I've began to enjoy less and less in life. Old hobbies and interests I look upon with contempt or participate in with an overwhelming numbness toward it all. I suppose that's why I spent so long purging emotions and ignoring as many responsibilities as I could through substance abuse.

The more pictures I have drawn over the years, the worse I have felt emotionally. Being told of my wasted talents countless times from so many people. Stuck in jobs I have no passion for whilst stockpiling unsold artwork has bolstered the constant doubt and self-deprecation I have lived with since first experiencing depression. I suppose I never fathomed that making art is not even half of the necessity to be an artist. There is no sense having a product with no customers.

As far back as Plato there has been an association with creativity and mental illness. The concept of the tortured artist seems rather poetic and yet I feel like a fool to have waited so long to try and get to where I want to be.

Through art I find my creativity lifts my spirits and yet it also conjures up a constant, nagging sense of futility towards everything I do in life. Whilst it's potentially no more than a catastrophic thought - the notion of an artist who only achieves recognition after their death feel like a tragedy that I don’t want to be a part of.

Ed

 

[Aspertastic7]

Wow, what a story! Big congratulations on your courage and will to become sober! As I‘ve never taken any substances, I can only vaguely imagine how tough it must be! Again, I am very impressed. Thank you for sharing this!

 

[Aspychata]

That's a big step. That's a really big step. AA in your face with all those meetings, and overstaying and oversharing , you just skipped that.
We always end up cycling thru anger. No doubt.

 

[Thinx]

Congratulations on your determined decision to stop the habits, this is such a great achievement. It's interesting what you say about your understanding of why you ended up using weed and alcohol. Sounds like you feel better now, but it allows you to feel with clarity, and yearn again for meaningful creative endeavour.

Is there a way you can do some art? It sounds like people appreciate your art? Or could you do an advanced art class, for example? To get some connections, or maybe learn an aspect of art you haven't tried, or something? I don't know what kind of art you do, would it be commercial in any way? Even as a part time interest it sounds worth pursuing.

 

[Nervous Rex]

Congratulations on your progress! You're doing a very hard thing and you're doing great at it! I am rooting for you, hoping for you to continue to succeed, and I know a lot of others are, too. One day at a time.

When people withdraw from their addictions, they often experience a period of anhedonia - inability to find happiness in other things. Addiction reformats the brain and it takes time for it to change back. The funk will fade and you will be able to find joy in things that you used to before.

Start by drawing and doing your art for you. Don't worry about whether it checks any boxes or accomplishes anything. For now, make its only purpose to bring you joy. I do a lot of dumb, unproductive stuff, just because I like it.

 

[menander]

Amazing you went sober during the pandemic. Most are going the other way. You must be very strong. As to official dx, I personally think they matter just because there are so many other issues that you may never ever suspect. They will find them. Not psych stuff, but neuro things. It's crazy how hidden things of the brain are to the brain.

 

[Bolletje]

I’m so proud of you! The pandemic has made me abandon my sobriety, since I’m at home with hardly any responsibilities and no reasons to stick to my schedule. So I’m extra proud of you for being sober during these trying times.

 

[Nervous Rex]

Amazing you went sober during the pandemic.

He started sometime around Dec 1, 2019. I only know because I stopped caffeine on Dec 21, 2019. That's not as big a deal as "going sober", but I have been counting the days, too.

 

[Wolfgangus Faldestolius]

If there is space, can you prioritise or categorise those art works you imagine you might continue to be most proud of in future years / those with less frought emotional connotations / by their blend of aesthetic qualities?

Nowadays before I throw a large batch of things, I often categorise them, then maybe reallocate a few items before then throwing the category of to-be-thrown.

The thing is, our emotions now are so huge. I've just realised how I damaged people when I was a boy - even though no-one told me off about it at the time. If we've got the time and space, we can still be methodical and constructive. Not everything in our lives was bad. We have to beware of shame of things we can healthfully go back to in a new way (like some of my intellectual interests).

Having said which, the way you categorise is yours. Also, one can repeat the process, any time.

Also were there other creative / humanly interactive /relational impulses before you took up drawing? Maybe this will not be clearly "apparent" from the past. I never imagined I would value people for what I was doing for them, for example; but my mental pursuits should have given an indirect clue.

 

[Wolfgangus Faldestolius]

... how to proceed. A 12 month wait for an NHS diagnosis or over £1000 for a private one, and even if I were diagnosed, I fail to see what it would change. I’m sure there’d be a degree of closure, but there is no desire for me to receive benefits, or to be treated any differently at work. Nothing changes the fact it is a lifelong condition and I have no intention of living on prescription drugs or undergoing behavioural therapy to try and change who I am as a person.

... yet I feel like a fool to have waited so long to try and get to where I want to be.

Through art I find my creativity lifts my spirits and yet it also conjures up a constant, nagging sense of futility towards everything I do in life ...

Ed

It's for US to change US. Not "behavioural therapists" (even by proxy).

My own "diagnosis" with ASC was though educationalists (in my middle age) only.

The main doors I have found opened to me were my own exploring, intuiting, and creative initiatives - at my own pace.

We have always got our lives ahead of us (in some sense) and time is always on our side (however much we find we've not been on its side).

 

[Wolfgangus Faldestolius]

... Stuck in jobs I have no passion for whilst stockpiling unsold artwork has bolstered the constant doubt and self-deprecation I have lived with since first experiencing depression. ...

Ed

The very things that find expression in producing artwork may also give you the potentials to get more contentment (without accusing you of discontentedness) out of your work? Gladness in your abilities to do jobs? (I was objectively a low performer, myself.) You like everyone, actually has a very wide range of talents. When I read your posts I get reassurance from the large amount of soundness in them. Your appreciation of the calmness and lack of hangovers will stay with you, I think, as it has with me.

 

[Gracey]

My hat goes off to you Ed.

That's some start you've made there

I can find myself spiralling down.
But I can also find myself on the long climb back up just as often.
It's part of me but certainly not ALL of me.

It's inspiring to read about your progress

 

[Kalinychta]

How did you get through those first few days and weeks?

 

[Raggamuffin]

I'll apologise in advance if I don't reply to everyone's comments, but thank you for taking the time to reply.

Wow, what a story! Big congratulations on your courage and will to become sober! As I‘ve never taken any substances, I can only vaguely imagine how tough it must be! Again, I am very impressed. Thank you for sharing this!

Many thanks. I think in hindsight I'd have been glad if I never tried any of them. Every single initial time I tried a substance was bowing to peer pressure whilst socialising. Whilst I can recall some happy memories, the most content moments in my life have been experienced whilst sober.

That's a big step. That's a really big step. AA in your face with all those meetings, and overstaying and oversharing , you just skipped that.
We always end up cycling thru anger. No doubt.

AA never seemed like an appealing format for me. Only ever saw it portrayed in films and TV shows, but I know it wouldn't suit me as a person. Group discussion, talking infront of people, trying to be open whilst maintaining a social mask. I feel like it'd be awkward through and through.

Anger is difficult. I find with sobriety my patience is even thinner than it used to be. There's also frustration when looking back. I keep reminding myself to focus on the here and now. Yes, there's a lot of regrets, but it can't be changed. It can help the present by reminding me of what was, and seeing the improvements to how things are now.

Is there a way you can do some art? It sounds like people appreciate your art? Or could you do an advanced art class, for example? To get some connections, or maybe learn an aspect of art you haven't tried, or something? I don't know what kind of art you do, would it be commercial in any way? Even as a part time interest it sounds worth pursuing.

I've been drawing now for just over a decade. I've had phases of drawing almost non-stop and producing larger and larger pieces. The issue has been, whilst I've had some exhibitions, and sold some limited edition prints last July - I've never sold an original.

At one gallery they valued my work at £500-600 for my original larger pieces. These were a custom size between A4 and A3 paper size. Since then I've been refining my style and techniques and working on A3 and now on A2 in recent pieces. It stands to reason with all my collection I have probably £10,000+ worth of artwork sat doing nothing and it's frustrating.

Each time I spend a lot of time doing my art the nagging feelings of doubt start to grow. Each picture is better than the last, and after I completed a picture I frame it and then store it away. Spending a couple of hundred hours on each picture, just for it to sit gathering dust. It's difficult.

I'd like to do art in university. If I ever came into money and could afford to do so - I'd gladly return as a mature student to learn better techniques. It's not to say this couldn't be done in classes or online, but I suppose there's a craving to experience university whilst studying something I actually wanted to, and not the subjects I had studied and subsequently dropped out of.


As for the replies regarding the pandemic - I've seen the amount of alcohol being bought at supermarkets. Some of the shelves seem quite bare. A few people I know at work aren't drinking as much as they mainly do it socially. Others are drinking more being cooped up indoors.

It's a struggle drinking or doing drugs at home as opposed to socially. I found I was constantly justifying having another drink or smoke. It's a bit of a vicious circle, feeling lonely or bored, getting high or drunk and then feeling worse and more alone by the end of it all.

How did you get through those first few days and weeks?

This one is tricky to answer. I've tried and failed at sobriety many times. I started each attempt with different degrees of determination. During most of my time with weed and almost the entirity of my years spent abusing alcohol I lived with daily guilt. Worried every day about long term effects, scared of my lack of restraint and how many responsibilities I was letting fall by the wayside.

Once in a blue moon I felt the guilt and determination was more intense than usual. I never doubted these moments, and ran with them. This is when sobriety lasted longer than previous attempts. It's not to say it was guaranteed. Prior to quitting on 1st December, I had quit weed twice before. Each time for over a year.

Relapse came when socialising with people who smoked weed. Regularly coming into contact with it again made it more appealing. Another issue is the distancing from an addiction. The longer you go with a clear head, the more I found I looked back on a previous addiction with a degree of nostalgia. I also figured that the negatives weren't as bad as I'd assumed they were at the time.

All you can really do in the early days and weeks is ride each craving. Remind yourself it's duration will usually be short. It might be intense, but it eventually passes. If you are going to dedicate time and attention on focusing on how it feels - try and do so from a mindful perspective. Not an easy feat, but it's worthwhile. At the end of the day a craving will come and go as it pleases. Rather than resisting it, or letting it frustrate you - welcome it. Analyse it without adding narrative to why it's there, or how it makes you feel, or could make you feel.

At the end of the day, if something you do or are a part of is making you feel unhappy, guilty, unhealthy or frustrated on a regular basis - then it's time to look at how you can change.

As time has gone by the cravings have lessened. Perhaps once a week, if that. They're not as intense as the early weeks. There was a point around 4 weeks in where I was convinced it wasn't going to get better. As usual though, I kept busy - focused on something else and sure enough, each craving passed.

It'll be interesting to see what life is like after the lockdown. No doubt we'll have bbq's or gatherings at our house. Most people will be drinking. I suppose I have an ace up my sleeve of sorts. Whilst I'm not keen on socialising - I find drunk people abhorrent. So, whilst there might be increased cravings at times to drink - once I see people innebriated, I think it'll stand as a firm reminder why sobriety is the right choice for me.

Ed

 

[Magna]

Congratulations, Ed. You have much to be proud of. It's been over twenty years for me and I can tell you that life has been far better for me sober than not. There's no comparison. I actually ended up finding that experiencing life sober and lucid is actually more intense (in a good way) than when using. In retrospect I realized that I was self-medicating as a means to try to cope with the world around me that didn't make sense even though it seemed to make sense for most other people.

I also quit, "cold turkey".

I wish you all the best. You can do it!

 

[Kalinychta]

This one is tricky to answer. I've tried and failed at sobriety many times. I started each attempt with different degrees of determination. During most of my time with weed and almost the entirity of my years spent abusing alcohol I lived with daily guilt. Worried every day about long term effects, scared of my lack of restraint and how many responsibilities I was letting fall by the wayside.

Once in a blue moon I felt the guilt and determination was more intense than usual. I never doubted these moments, and ran with them. This is when sobriety lasted longer than previous attempts. It's not to say it was guaranteed. Prior to quitting on 1st December, I had quit weed twice before. Each time for over a year.

Relapse came when socialising with people who smoked weed. Regularly coming into contact with it again made it more appealing. Another issue is the distancing from an addiction. The longer you go with a clear head, the more I found I looked back on a previous addiction with a degree of nostalgia. I also figured that the negatives weren't as bad as I'd assumed they were at the time.

All you can really do in the early days and weeks is ride each craving. Remind yourself it's duration will usually be short. It might be intense, but it eventually passes. If you are going to dedicate time and attention on focusing on how it feels - try and do so from a mindful perspective. Not an easy feat, but it's worthwhile. At the end of the day a craving will come and go as it pleases. Rather than resisting it, or letting it frustrate you - welcome it. Analyse it without adding narrative to why it's there, or how it makes you feel, or could make you feel.

At the end of the day, if something you do or are a part of is making you feel unhappy, guilty, unhealthy or frustrated on a regular basis - then it's time to look at how you can change.

As time has gone by the cravings have lessened. Perhaps once a week, if that. They're not as intense as the early weeks. There was a point around 4 weeks in where I was convinced it wasn't going to get better. As usual though, I kept busy - focused on something else and sure enough, each craving passed.

It'll be interesting to see what life is like after the lockdown. No doubt we'll have bbq's or gatherings at our house. Most people will be drinking. I suppose I have an ace up my sleeve of sorts. Whilst I'm not keen on socialising - I find drunk people abhorrent. So, whilst there might be increased cravings at times to drink - once I see people innebriated, I think it'll stand as a firm reminder why sobriety is the right choice for me.

I’m curious, what happened in January that made you really decide to get sober? I mean what changed inside of you that made you decide to do it? The spark.

 

[Raggamuffin]

It was the guilt tbh. For years my partner was worried about my drinking. It was done almost exclusively at home, on my own. I was always a difficult person to be around - argumentative, brash, cocky etc.

I went too far that night. Justified a drinking session because I'd chickened out of going to the work Xmas party. Usually I'd stick to 3 or 4 strong ciders or beers. That night I got blackout drunk.

Before going to bed I had a panic attack and it kept me up until around 5am. By that time the hangover was there and not only was I drained from the panic attack, but I was feeling horrid from the drinking and weed.

When I woke up late afternoon I decided enough was enough. I gave away an ounce of weed to a friend for free. I focused on how rough drink had made me feel and throughout the next week I assured myself this was the time it was really going to stick.

Hasn't been easy. But improvements are increasingly noticeable. Clear head. Closer and more intimate with my partner. Working harder at my job. Enjoying happy moments without the constant nagging guilt I'd have when having fun whilst drunk or stoned.

The stronger tics, traits and fragile patience and emotional restraint are challenging at times. But it's helped show how dull my personality and behaviours had become due to self medicating for so long. Sure its brought out a lot of the stranger sides to myself - but I feel more accepting and intrigued by it, rather than awkward or resisting them.

Having more energy and a clearer head is good too. Although that clarity sometimes makes my racing thoughts feel like they're running even faster at times. I know that the steps I've taken will lead to other improvements in time. Such as diet, hydration and exercise.

At the end of the day, living with myself can be challenging at the best of times. But I needn't add to this by indulging in lifestyle choices that negatively impact my mental and physical health.

Ed

 

[Alexej]

Well done Ed

Cold turkey is not an easy way to do it. Good for you for sticking with it.

 

[Gift2humanity]

152 days with no weed or alcohol. Substances I had long since abused to take the edge of prolonged depression and anxiety. Living in a fog helped dull certain senses and emotions and brought about new problems of their own. I'm nearly 34 and living with a clear head for the first time since my early 20’s feels intense.

I quit because I could not handle the guilt and negative side effects any longer. Whilst quitting cold turkey was a sudden change; the positive effects of sobriety feel like a slow burn rather than providing any profound moments. 13 years of abusing substances and I have finally stepped out of the fog. Life without a filter means the highs and lows feel a lot more potent.

Other noticeable changes are tics and traits that I’ve done my best to keep hidden from people are harder to supress. It’s exhausting pretending to be someone you’re not, for it to all come rising to the surface as soon as I'm on my own. A few months ago, after a long running suspicion I began reading about the autism spectrum. Aspects of myself I’d long considered weird and defective were listed in numerous articles, websites, and this forum.

The sense of closure was quite intense, but I also was left somewhat confused about how to proceed. A 12 month wait for an NHS diagnosis or over £1000 for a private one, and even if I were diagnosed, I fail to see what it would change. I’m sure there’d be a degree of closure, but there is no desire for me to receive benefits, or to be treated any differently at work. Nothing changes the fact it is a lifelong condition and I have no intention of living on prescription drugs or undergoing behavioural therapy to try and change who I am as a person.

I did numerous online tests with questions taken from official assessments and each one showed I had a very high probability for having Asperger’s. The articles I read and the people and advice on this forum have helped me to understand and normalise what I have hidden and considered abnormal for most of my life.

Since my teens I knew where I wanted my life to go. Unfortunately, I was told this was not “career friendly” and embarked on a different path that I felt lived up to what others expected of me. Intense doubts and depression followed me along this journey as I dropped out of college and university after years investing time in subjects, I had no passion or interest for. As with many people, I became an unwilling participant in the rat race. Stuck in office jobs: working the 9-5 and living from weekend to weekend. Life has flown by and the bitterness, impatience and resentment has grown each year.

I began drawing again not long after I started my first job and substance abuse followed shortly after. Both were a guaranteed means to help me escape the reality I had made for myself. Unfortunately, the idea of moderation fell by the wayside and I began on a downward spiral with self-destructive behaviours.

Slowly, I've began to enjoy less and less in life. Old hobbies and interests I look upon with contempt or participate in with an overwhelming numbness toward it all. I suppose that's why I spent so long purging emotions and ignoring as many responsibilities as I could through substance abuse.

The more pictures I have drawn over the years, the worse I have felt emotionally. Being told of my wasted talents countless times from so many people. Stuck in jobs I have no passion for whilst stockpiling unsold artwork has bolstered the constant doubt and self-deprecation I have lived with since first experiencing depression. I suppose I never fathomed that making art is not even half of the necessity to be an artist. There is no sense having a product with no customers.

As far back as Plato there has been an association with creativity and mental illness. The concept of the tortured artist seems rather poetic and yet I feel like a fool to have waited so long to try and get to where I want to be.

Through art I find my creativity lifts my spirits and yet it also conjures up a constant, nagging sense of futility towards everything I do in life. Whilst it's potentially no more than a catastrophic thought - the notion of an artist who only achieves recognition after their death feel like a tragedy that I don’t want to be a part of.

Ed

Congratulations on your sobriety.
Art is cathartic and painful because we are releasing negative emotions.
Art is your passion, the only way you can truly live is by engaging in your passion.
Do you still have your artwork?
Can you sell it?
It may be a way out of the unfulfilling job.
As the famous mythologist Joseph Campbell said, make your hobby your profession.

 

[Raggamuffin]

I've been very proactive on my facebook page for my art - but still no sales. Also, an increasing amount spent on advertising each moneth.

I think arts and craft fairs could be my big break to get some regular sales. With a mortgage and bills I don't think I could realistically work full time on my art unless I see some decent/regular sales from craft fairs etc.

Ed