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Social Cues are my Achilles heel

S

ShaunG

Member
Hello Forum, I am Shaun.

I have recently been diagnosed with some autistic features including an inability to perceive social cues. I also have inattentive ADHD. I have always had social problems and have never understood how to act properly in a social setting. Now I know why. Certain people have always taken everything I say to them wrong. The therapist suggested my inability to perceive social cues leaves me with weak personal boundaries. It all makes sense now. For every downside, there are two upsides. I'm hyper intuitive. If I like something I can run with it all the way to a high level. Like software engineering and music production. Life is good.
 
Hi Shaun

Mmmm, strange, because having some autistic features, suggests that your therapist actually has no idea lol because to be classified under the autism umbrella, one has to have more than "some features"

I would love to give my opinion on also having ADHD, but, since I am only beginning to understand, I will refrain from talking about it.

Hope you enjoy being here.
 
ShaunG said:
Like software engineering and music production. Life is good.
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Hey, we've got some special interests in common. Nice!

It's actually not uncommon to get diagnosed with ADHD long before ASD - the same thing happened to me, and ADHD didn't really make any sense since I could hyperfocus / spend long hours on projects with no problem.

Also, welcome!
 
Welcome!

ShaunG said:
Certain people have always taken everything I say to them wrong.
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In my experience, if you're being misunderstood, and especially by multiple people, it's because your wording and/or gestures and tone, are commonly interpreted as having different meanings than what you intended.

This is similar to how when traveling, one may come to learn that a term, phrase or gesture, in another place, has a significantly different meaning than the one you're used to.

In such situations, it may be helpful to ask the other person to explain, or when saying something, or paraphrase it right away to minimize the risk of ambiguity.
 
welcome to af.png
 
Welcome @ShaunG,

Self-awareness is often the first step towards becoming that "better person" you hope to be. I am 55 years old,...and I can tell you for sure, it's a work in progress. Learn as much as you can about yourself,...be self-aware,...and before you engage in a social interaction,...take that second or two to pause,...taking in as much verbal and non-verbal communication,...take in the specific context and perspective,...then, if you can, respond in a "calm, assertive" voice.

Historically, my issues have been this combination of (1) not reading people, (2) not narrowing things down to their context and perspective,...and not respecting another's "personal truths", (3) coming off as an annoying "know-it-all", and (4) having a quick wit,...firing off a response very quickly without pausing to take in all the information.

Now, do understand,...and I think this applies to everyone,...autistic or not,...that if the conversation is important enough,...those that test morals and ethics,...people WILL take offense,...they just will. However, these types of conversations are important and should be had,...on the condition that everyone should be in the proper "head space" to have the conversation before it ensues. If not,...it just becomes an emotional shouting match.
 
ShaunG said:
Hello Forum, I am Shaun.

I have recently been diagnosed with some autistic features including an inability to perceive social cues. I also have inattentive ADHD. I have always had social problems and have never understood how to act properly in a social setting. Now I know why. Certain people have always taken everything I say to them wrong. The therapist suggested my inability to perceive social cues leaves me with weak personal boundaries. It all makes sense now. For every downside, there are two upsides. I'm hyper intuitive. If I like something I can run with it all the way to a high level. Like software engineering and music production. Life is good.
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I have had a difficult time processing social cues all my life. Even just a year ago I did not process an instance of social touch until hours afterward.
 
I think I sometimes have a problem with social cues and space boundries. I used to do long, one sided conversations and I wouldn't let the other person talk. Or call people too often or let the conversation go on too long, trying to hold on to the conversation. I thought when i started getting treatment for autism and became aware of these things they would go away, but i still do the same things occasionally.
 
MR TV said:
I think I sometimes have a problem with social cues and space boundries. I used to do long, one sided conversations and I wouldn't let the other person talk. Or call people too often or let the conversation go on too long, trying to hold on to the conversation. I thought when i started getting treatment for autism and became aware of these things they would go away, but i still do the same things occasionally.
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I do same things as you I understand tottally
 
@R4m53Y said:
Oh how what happened may I ask
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I was part of a get together and helped a friend with planning food (he is disorganized for that) and I was the grillmaster and enjoying it. My work done, I went up to the deck to relax and went over to the cooler to get a beer. As I returned to my spot I was sidling past a group of women when one reached out to caress my upper arm. I know that such touch is an invitation, but that went over my head. Had I processed it in the moment, I would have stopped to introduce myself and talked. I have thought at times that women do not notice me so was not primed to recognize such interaction, especially from an attractive woman.

For too long as a teen and young adult I was terribly afraid of rejection. That led me to self reject and deny my emotions until I became quite socially dysfunctional. I am my own worst enemy at times. I am completing therapy for PTSD resulting from my isolation.
 
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The "one sided conversations" REALLY pisses people off, so I stopped doing that a long time ago, even before I got diagnosed with autism!
 
Gerald Wilgus said:
I was part of a get together and helped a friend with planning food (he is disorganized for that) and I was the grillmaster and enjoying it. My work done, I went up to the deck to relax and went over to the cooler to get a beer. As I returned to my spot I was sidling past a group of women when one reached out to caress my upper arm. I know that such touch is an invitation, but that went over my head. Had I processed it in the moment, I would have stopped to introduce myself and talked. I have thought at times that women do not notice me so was not primed to recognize such interaction, especially from an attractive woman.

I am my own worst enemy at times.
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I struggle with same also I wouldn't have know that was an invitation tho I'm not that lucky either tbh
 
MR TV said:
The "one sided conversations" REALLY pisses people off, so I stopped doing that a long time ago, even before I got diagnosed with autism!
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Unless I know what I or they are talking bout I struggle with conversation if it's, something I know stuff bout in OK but can waffle on
 
@Gerald Wingus: I've done that so many times!! I've missed so many opportunities with women! I'm glad I'm not the only person who does that! I wish there was some kind of treatment for that! If some therapist would invent flash cards or some type of treatment to help me recognize opportunities with the opposite sex! Or a chick will be attracted to me and then my "weird" conversational style will kick in and they'll dump me!
 
MR TV said:
@Gerald Wingus: I've done that so many times!! I've missed so many opportunities with women! I'm glad I'm not the only person who does that! I wish there was some kind of treatment for that! If some therapist would invent flash cards or some type of treatment to help me recognize opportunities with the opposite sex! Or a chick will be attracted to me and then my "weird" conversational style will kick in and they'll dump me!
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Omg I so agree with you sorry my short messages but I'm rubbish at texting also
 
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