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Social Desire/Social Hatred

M

Matt88360

Well-Known Member
Hi folks. Just joined the forum. I'm a 25 year old male from Brooklyn, New York. I was diagnosed on August 26, but suspected off and on since 2006 that I may have had AS.

That said, there's an issue that keeps bothering me off and on. I have a hunch this has probably come up on here before, though I didn't see it anywhere. So if the regulars on here have heard this one, please bear with me.

I consistently desire social interaction in the form of friendship, but know that if I was to have a friend, I would despise it because it's so painful for me to be around other people. Now I don't suspect it's possible to totally eliminate my aversion to people, and I don't intend to try. It is what it is. But is there some way to escape this desire to be around others? Cognitively I know I will hate it, yet it's still there. It's frustrating. And seeing as most people have little to nothing to offer (I mean, just step outside your door and see what's out walking the streets), I'd very much like to get past this somehow.

Maybe it's not possible. If not, does this issue bother anyone else? It's like being pulled in different directions at the same time. I wish I could get past it. There's better things to do if I can forget about people.

(And yes, I know it's largely me, and how I can't pick up on whatever they have to offer. But you know what I mean.)
 
I find that I dislike being around other people. However, if I have a true friend, then I enjoy being around that one individual person. The problem is, if one dislikes people in general, then it's hard to be around anyone long enough to form the kind of friendship that would enable one to feel differently about him/her.
I formed my friendship at a past time when I liked people in general more than I do now. Now, I still make an exception for that one person.
 
I know what you're talking about...

I'd really like to have a friend, but getting one and then keeping the relationship is way too painful and stressful. Not to mention that in the end I will most certainly get hurt. I always did in past.
I can only see flaws in people around me and they irritate me. I dislike being around people like that. I wonder if there is someone good enough for my standards :P
I know. Everyone will say you're not perfect either, but I like me and I can deal with me, opposed to other people I don't like. So, I don't think I'm able to be a friend if I don't like someone and I will almost always find something about a person I don't like. That few times I liked person enough to become friends it all ended badly. Either they were expecting too much from me and I need my alone time, or I was expecting too much from them when I really didn't mean as much to them as they did to me.

I have an imaginary friend and he helps me a lot. I love his company because he's perfect.
 
Matt88360 said:
Hi folks. Just joined the forum. I'm a 25 year old male from Brooklyn, New York. I was diagnosed on August 26, but suspected off and on since 2006 that I may have had AS.

That said, there's an issue that keeps bothering me off and on. I have a hunch this has probably come up on here before, though I didn't see it anywhere. So if the regulars on here have heard this one, please bear with me.

I consistently desire social interaction in the form of friendship, but know that if I was to have a friend, I would despise it because it's so painful for me to be around other people. Now I don't suspect it's possible to totally eliminate my aversion to people, and I don't intend to try. It is what it is. But is there some way to escape this desire to be around others? Cognitively I know I will hate it, yet it's still there. It's frustrating. And seeing as most people have little to nothing to offer (I mean, just step outside your door and see what's out walking the streets), I'd very much like to get past this somehow.

Maybe it's not possible. If not, does this issue bother anyone else? It's like being pulled in different directions at the same time. I wish I could get past it. There's better things to do if I can forget about people.

(And yes, I know it's largely me, and how I can't pick up on whatever they have to offer. But you know what I mean.)
Click to expand...

I totally get this. One of those vicious circles of behavior with no real solution. Very painful to deal with every day.
 
I used to be like that. I'd always want nothing but one on one time with my friends, and I hated it when I had to be in a large group of their friends, as I would go completely mute and have nothing to contribute to the conversation. It affected my friendships in a negative way, as they always had other friends. Eventually I realized that if I ever wanted to maintain my friendships and establish new ones I had to get over that, so through practice that's what I did, and now that I have decent social skills I actually love it. I think it's better to eliminate the hatred of being around people rather than the desire.
 
Well, maybe you haven't just found the right people yet? I've noticed, that I can only hang out with certain types of people. But I had to find them through "suffering" the social situations, where I had to interact with people I can't handle as well.. :P But it was worth it.

I still at times get annoyed if some friend stays at my place for too long, I just wanna be alone.. But that doesn't happen with everybody! Other aspies or someone who has traits of AS I feel comfortable with >.< Or people who are really sweet and funny, I feel like myself with them :) But yes, I've been hurt by people, that's inevitable and sad.. Had scarred me a lot too.. :/ But now I see that they weren't worth my time anyway!

But yeah, hi and welcome :)
 
As Hadassah said, it is largely about finding the right people. I would recommend socializing anyway. It can have the double effect of giving you some insight as to WHY you want to hang out with people and a better idea of what to expect and how you deal with it; and also, to help your being able to discover what sorts of people you would be glad to be around. It can take time and patience. Much as you may never enjoy being around large groups, occasionally you can single out someone?and they can single out you?with whom you can be comfortable and have some degree of connection, even if you do not become "bestest buds" (though that can be rewarding in itself).
 
I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that my best social experiences may lie with seeking out other Aspies.

Trouble is so far I can't find any organizations locally which cater to adults. But at least I have a plan I didn't have before coming here. :D
 
Matt, I feel for you. Sometimes, I feel kind of the same way. I think this desire you think is strange is really normal and it's really a desire for true friends that are dependable and trustworthy. This type will always be hard to come by. Many make it seem so much easier than it really is. One thing that helps me is to join as many clubs with varying interests as I can, and to try this and that until I find just the right fit(s), or something I can settle on anyway. Since you're in Brooklyn, there's a ton of interests off of meetup.com for instance, including many resources and groups for autism.
 
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