I realize that what I did was the same thing everyone else has done to you: told you that you've done something wrong without telling you how to do it right. However, I was quite taken aback by your sharp, abrasive response that I 1) had no desire to be helpful to you anymore and 2) felt as though anything I had to say would be taken the wrong way and still be unhelpful. So here goes my best attempt to responding to feedback which you asked for that you feel was somehow disrespectful to you.
Excuse me? How old do you think I am? 5? Abstract & debateable? Which bit of 'that's disrespectful/ rude/ arrogant/ etc' is debateable?
Instead of beginning with a phrase that is often used to mean "WTF", followed by a question which means "You sound like an idiot", then attempting immediately to argue with the point being made, you can begin with something like, "That's one way of looking at it, but I don't agree with it because...." then state reasons. Also, read the other person's response carefully. I said abstract and RELATIVELY debatable. "Being yourself" is much more debatable than "being respectful", but "being respectful" is still abstract, because respect is a complex concept that includes a combination of associated outward behaviors, inner thoughts, perspective taking, and relating to others. The way you responded was disrespectful because you used phrases which came across as abrasive, failed to take your conversational partner's perspective, and did not take into account the way your conversational partner would feel as a result of your statement, or intentionally chose a response that would come across as a verbal assault.
You had said that "respect others" seems to mean to you that others are allowed to have a go at you but you are not allowed to have a go at them. In no way did I intend for you to feel as though I was "having a go" at you in my initial response. If someone says something that angers you, you can respectfully tell them so by saying something like, "When you said X, it sounded like you were talking down to me. I'm smarter than that," or even, "It really pisses me off when people talk tome like that, this is one of the things that I was referring to, so talk to me like I"m an adult".
Choosing these phrases and using them appropriately requires very good metacognitive awareness, so it may seem like by giving you these scripts, I'm talking down to you, but really, I expect you to take them and alter them in ways that hold true for your thinking, which may require some reflection on your part.
I'd already asked what I wanted to ask as clearly as possible.
Yes, you did. My problem was not that your questions were unclear, but the context of the questions was negative enough to make me not want to give you a response, and made me feel like anything I said would be taken in such a way that you would just be upset and continue to lash out at me when I'm trying to help you. If you do want an answer to those questions that you asked, look at this as an opportunity to re-do your response and use more respectful language. Have I given you enough information and support for you to be able to do that successfully?
