Socializing woes and wishes

[Owliet]

On Monday I walked to the town next to my village (it’s like 40 minutes away) to pay a bill since we dont have a post office here. I stopped off at the local supermarket to get some sharpies and also treated myself to a sketch doodle book, so I can start some more crafting hobby that I have lost over the years. I have also started reading more and started writing, and also (obviously with the walking in addition) doing workouts quite often. So, things are starting to work out — although family situation seems to be challenging at times and I really wish I could have someone to talk to about that without it being too much. But, I do realize that I am still isolated and looking around at people interact with each other…I really want that for myself. I hope that doesnt seem selfish. However, on Tuesday I went into the city and I think i may have overdone it because I had one of those emotional outbursts when I went into the bathroom at home and cried as a way to vent all the stress out or something. I dont think it was anxiety about going but maybe it Was subtle anxiety and I just didn’t really think of it As such. I dont know, it was quite weird but I think I need more practice going to places on my own and putting myself into these situations so I can manage this better. My worry is that, I may be wanting to do things too fast and I dont want to overwhelm myself too much, so my first question is what would you think was best to do? Try to gradually go out like I have started to do and just go to the town next to my village often (plus the walk is good) and build up steps from there or should I really be pushing myself and travel on the train to the city frequently ?


How do I regulate my emotions from the situations that are stressful in a way that does not end me having some emotional outburst in a locked bathroom? (I didnt self harm this time around)

Secondly, I feel lonely still. I want so desperately to socialize with people and to form friendships. I don’t really care about dating or establishing a relationship like that at the moment because I know that I am much of a mess that I wouldn’t be able to have that but having a friend is something I would like to have again. I haven’t really had one since university, and that was in a different country. Most of the communications has been on WhatsApp (with that acquaintance from university reaching out which is nice but he’s not in this country and he messaged, I take a long time to respond and I hope that doesn’t come across as rude). I find interactions with people to be terrifying. I dont want them to think that I am weird — I am but I dont want that to be a first impression. I really do think that the fear of rejection really prevents me from making initial contact but I dont know how best to get around the worry and just go about doing it. Most of my experience with socializing usually either fails from the first meeting or much later because I cant maintain it. Most of the social interactions I have now either come from when I am working (which are very minor interactions) cons I go to (I really push myself in those but always feel extremely tired afterwards And lead to emotional outbursts afterwards but I have not formed friendships from any of these) or within my family. I fear that I am out of practice. I am not particularly happy all the time, and people seem to want other people to be happy and positive around them, and I am trying to not be like that but I seem to be the architect of my own making and i keep telling myself that i cant do this and i start believing it and then i become sad, negative and Woeful. Thing is, I have been long at groups that I could join (local theatre group, badminton).I just haven’t contacted them and I dont want to wait for so long like last year and all the years before but I cant seem to take the action to contact. I feel like I am second-guessing myself quite often and I really would like to stop doing this. Are there any tips to handle any of this?

 

[YabbaDabba]

I struggle with all this as well. I feel like my social muscle is gone and now I refuse to notice anyone when I’m in public. I don’t know what else to do.

I think you should try badminton. I found non competitive sports a great way to get out there and breathe the same air without having to engage in conversation.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I was that way, afraid of rejection in social settings, but then I joined two groups, the Sierra Club and the Michigan Minerological Society. They were perfect for me since I enjoy the outdoors and Earth Science. In these, interest and skills counted for a lot and I was able to learn to socialize, and at my own pace. The outings had its share of quirky people, so I felt safe. Then, I met my future spouse car pooling to a Sierra Club project.

 

[Owliet]

I struggle with all this as well. I feel like my social muscle is gone and now I refuse to notice anyone when I’m in public. I don’t know what else to do.

I think you should try badminton. I found non competitive sports a great way to get out there and breathe the same air without having to engage in conversation.

Its really nice to find solidarity and to know that I am not going crazy with these feelings.=)

I was that way, afraid of rejection in social settings, but then I joined two groups, the Sierra Club and the Michigan Minerological Society. They were perfect for me since I enjoy the outdoors and Earth Science. In these, interest and skills counted for a lot and I was able to learn to socialize, and at my own pace. The outings had its share of quirky people, so I felt safe. Then, I met my future spouse car pooling to a Sierra Club project.

How did you find socializing in these settings? I am worried about being overwhelmed but also worried that I will be rejected. I suppose i am being too cautious and harsh on myself here.

 

[Angular Chap]

I think the effort you are putting into all these things is actually pretty great!

I dont know, it was quite weird but I think I need more practice going to places on my own and putting myself into these situations so I can manage this better.

Managing and practising is part of it, absolutely, and I would also use the word discovering. Discovering and working out what works for you and what doesn't.

My worry is that, I may be wanting to do things too fast and I dont want to overwhelm myself too much, so my first question is what would you think was best to do? Try to gradually go out like I have started to do and just go to the town next to my village often (plus the walk is good) and build up steps from there or should I really be pushing myself and travel on the train to the city frequently ?

I would say it's all about finding the right balance. Some people make slow, measured progress. Others find that throwing themselves in at the deep end really accelerates their progress faster. Looks like you are willing to give both things a try. What overwhelms you more and how much of the aftermath of being overwhelmed are you willing to tolerate.

How do I regulate my emotions from the situations that are stressful in a way that does not end me having some emotional outburst in a locked bathroom?

So what I'm leading up to here is experimentation. Finding the right balance of what works for you. And that takes time. It looks like you are already off to a great headstart, willing and motivated in getting yourself out there. Also, what I do myself is document things. Not necessarily a full journal or diary, just a few notes including dates and times, what I tried, what worked, what didn't, what I've read might work and what to try. You can also go back in future and spot patterns in your notes. I treat things like a long term project.

Sorry I can't really be of help when it comes to the socialising, but thanks for posting it, I can relate to a lot of it. Only thing I can say is, again experiment and document and find the right balance of what works for you. Don't feel you need to follow "the done thing" and just copy-paste what you see others do when it comes to meeting your needs for socialising. I also sometimes feel lonely, but just coming on here and reading and interacting helps me personally, the solidarity.

So, in short: experiment, document and discover, over time.

All the best to you.

 

[Owliet]

I think the effort you are putting into all these things is actually pretty great!


Managing and practising is part of it, absolutely, and I would also use the word discovering. Discovering and working out what works for you and what doesn't.


I would say it's all about finding the right balance. Some people make slow, measured progress. Others find that throwing themselves in at the deep end really accelerates their progress faster. Looks like you are willing to give both things a try. What overwhelms you more and how much of the aftermath of being overwhelmed are you willing to tolerate.


So what I'm leading up to here is experimentation. Finding the right balance of what works for you. And that takes time. It looks like you are already off to a great headstart, willing and motivated in getting yourself out there. Also, what I do myself is document things. Not necessarily a full journal or diary, just a few notes including dates and times, what I tried, what worked, what didn't, what I've read might work and what to try. You can also go back in future and spot patterns in your notes. I treat things like a long term project.

Sorry I can't really be of help when it comes to the socialising, but thanks for posting it, I can relate to a lot of it. Only thing I can say is, again experiment and document and find the right balance of what works for you. Don't feel you need to follow "the done thing" and just copy-paste what you see others do when it comes to meeting your needs for socialising. I also sometimes feel lonely, but just coming on here and reading and interacting helps me personally, the solidarity.

So, in short: experiment, document and discover, over time.

All the best to you.

I get that maybe that is the best way to go about this whole thing.=) So I do find your advice helpful, and it is also helpful that others caN relate to this too.=)

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Its really nice to find solidarity and to know that I am not going crazy with these feelings.=)



How did you find socializing in these settings? I am worried about being overwhelmed but also worried that I will be rejected. I suppose i am being too cautious and harsh on myself here.

I actually found it easy. I was able to share my interests, discussions revolved around what we were doing, and there were lots of gearheads on Sierra Club outings, so I was not the only person doing data dumps. At a pre-season ski party I was asked to do the presentation about ski waxing. Everybody with some skill was made to feel valued and to contribute. It was a good way to build social confidence. I have had good friends from these groups for over 35 years

 

[Judge]

I can't say what is right for me would be right for you.

Though that said, in my own case since I do tend to live a rather isolated life in general, I try to make a concerted effort to briefly socialize with people like store checkers and such. Just to stay in practice, and not let my voice crack from not speaking to anyone for prolonged periods of time. Superficial NT banter- brief and friendly.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

I feel lonely still. I want so desperately to socialize with people and to form friendships. I don’t really care about dating or establishing a relationship like that at the moment because I know that I am much of a mess that I wouldn’t be able to have that but having a friend is something I would like to have again. I haven’t really had one since university, and that was in a different country. Most of the communications has been on WhatsApp (with that acquaintance from university reaching out which is nice but he’s not in this country and he messaged, I take a long time to respond and I hope that doesn’t come across as rude). I find interactions with people to be terrifying. I dont want them to think that I am weird — I am but I dont want that to be a first impression. I really do think that the fear of rejection really prevents me from making initial contact but I dont know how best to get around the worry and just go about doing it. Most of my experience with socializing usually either fails from the first meeting or much later because I cant maintain it. Most of the social interactions I have now either come from when I am working (which are very minor interactions) cons I go to (I really push myself in those but always feel extremely tired afterwards And lead to emotional outbursts afterwards but I have not formed friendships from any of these) or within my family. I fear that I am out of practice.

I definitely empathize with what you are writing. There were several years when I essentially did nothing except hang out on YouTube after school. I did practice badminton and table tennis which was a lot of fun, and it was important to be physically active, but I also didn't really connect with the other kids so I understand your worries regarding being "the weird one". I have a few suggestions you might find helpful.

---

1. It's late in Switzerland now, so you won't be able to contact any of those groups now. However, I want you to write yourself an email, adjust the sending settings so that you receive it tomorrow after work. In this letter I want you to write the phone number or email address of the places you are interested in, and a command like "call them now". I find it much easier to do things if someone is telling me clearly what to do, so that's what I'm doing with you now. Don't postpone. Send and then contact. You will feel relief of having accomplished the call and started something new, even though it's a difficult wall to push through. I believe you can do it .

2. Set yourself tasks. I'm not talking about something generic like "make more friends" and "be more social". Maybe that's what your end goals are, but it isn't useful for you to think about now. What I'm thinking about are smaller identifiable steps which can increase confidence in yourself.

One of the goals I set myself was to learn the names of people going to university with me. I had always been really terrible with names and didn't even learn the names of the classmates I had been with for 7 years in elementary school till the last year. However, when I thought about it, I realized that the reason I didn't remember any names is because I didn't really care about the people, so I didn't even try to memorize them. Remembering anyone's names didn't gain me any friends directly, but it did help me be more confident in social situations, even though I sometimes had to ask a person their name 5 or 6 times. It also meant that I was "seen" as more friendly, so people felt better about talking with me.

Your task can be something like "apply to a social event" (like badminton or a theatre troupe ), initiate sending a message to someone once a month (can even be on the forum), or "excuse myself and go somewhere private immediately when I find anxiety kicking in instead of allowing it to build up and overwhelm me". Those goals should not feel impossible or damaging to you, and there should be clear benefit (increase social skills, better emotional self-regulation). You should not feel bad for failing the tasks, but it should rather be things you can always work on and feel accomplished about when you feel like it. At other times it's just not something you feel comfortable doing, and that's okay. It means that you might need smaller tasks or that you are going through a rough period. It happens.

3. Be patient, and don't put too much pressure on yourself. Remember that though they can be worked on, social skills tend to be biologically more difficult for people on the autism spectrum to learn due to sensory overload. It's perfectly normal to have difficulties connecting and feel like the odd one out. I can tell you that from my own experience, I've only once been a part of a large group, and that was due to very unusual circumstances I doubt I'll encounter again. I've taken acting courses, practiced badminton and table tennis, volunteered and even joined a choir. None of those activities gave me a friend and I always felt like the odd one, but I persevere. The reason I do so is not because I am still wishing to find a friend, but because I enjoy the activities. When I have found friends, it has always tended to be other loners or outsiders, so I think that's what you should look for. If you see someone awkward and by themselves, try talking with them. They might feel exactly the same as you but didn't want to risk awkwardness (just like yourself). Being more active has really helped me be more confident in myself, and I hope it can help you too.

---

I don't have specific suggestions for how far or often you should travel. As @Angular Chap mentioned, that's for you to decide based on what you know about yourself. I wish you the best on working at strengthening yourself. I know it isn't easy, and can in fact be very difficult. I think you show great strength in writing this (and other) message since it can be scary to open oneself up. However, I've really enjoyed your presence on the forums, and I say it in full honesty from what I know of you based on your messages that you can do it.

Kind regards,
-K.

 

[VictorR]

Excellent suggestions everyone.

I'm also in the same boat in that I could just use more casual social activities. I had several good friends whom I met through work at one specific job, but all of us have since gone on to other jobs and several have since had kids and/or a partner and so the spontaneity of getting together for dinner or a walk and chat have pretty much dissipated.

With school, I had organized pre-class socials and though I was more of an observer than an participant, it was really nice just to have some social interaction, and it's the most social interaction I've had since COVID started.

I'm hoping as summer approaches to re-engage with some hiking groups, but given that I tend to make connections through work most easily (likely because I'm slower at things, and I find it hard to just "friend" someone unless I've gotten to know them and we have things in common), I've been tempted to consider getting a second job or do some sort of regular volunteering. My only concern is that even within a single day, I can swing between highs and lows, and I really dislike letting people down and not doing my best. Maybe something casual might work, if I could find something like that.

 

[Rodafina]

Owliet,

I don’t have much advice here, because I struggle with many of the same issues, and so I am just learning from the responses. I just wanted to say that I can really relate to what you’re saying. It’s such a fine balance between pushing yourself enough, but not to the point of exhaustion and shut down.

I am not particularly happy all the time, and people seem to want other people to be happy and positive around them, and I am trying to not be like that but I seem to be the architect of my own making and i keep telling myself that i cant do this and i start believing it and then i become sad, negative and Woeful.

This is something I especially relate to. I think I am somewhat of a sad person and I have accepted that. I feel sadness very hard and it is a major part of who I am… It is the emotion that I understand the best. One of my other states is anxious. It doesn’t scare me as much as it used to because I understand it well now. Nevertheless, I do not think most people want to be around someone who is constantly sad and anxious. These seem like they will be constants in my life, ebbing and flowing a bit, but I often come back to these states. I just think other people will get tired of that, but on the other hand, I am very very very tired of putting on a positive persona that is not truthful.

 

[YabbaDabba]

I feel like I need to get my life to a better place before I try to add friends to that. Its not fair because I can’t keep up my end. Working on it…

 

[Aspychata]

So l am talking to two female friends. One l am not sure about. The other lady is nice. However, l was burned by the last lady l met so now l don't feel so comfortable making friends. I take it slow.

 

[Markness]

What I wish for socially: No expectations of being interested in handegg (AKA American football) and cars to which my lack of interest tends to make the conversation fizzle out.

 

[Suzanne]

It could be me typing your post, when I was in my late teens, early adulthood.

I had not heard of Aspergers then and so, I used to say in my head: well, perhaps I need to interact more, in order to get used to it and thus, be more normal and the result was exhaustion and deep anxiety and then decided: perhaps I need to social less and that did not work either, so I have just flittered through my life.

At a much older age now and knowing about aspergers etc, I still cannot socialise in the usual setting and get VERY lonely when hearing all the banter around me, but unable to join in. It is like I become mute and my voice is horribly weak, when I try to speak.

When I did work, it was horrendeous for me. Whilst other collegues went out for lunch together, I was always on my own. Hated it so much.

I feel that I am at the bottom of a heap; not worthly of even being polite to, which is hard to stomach.

I try to just go with the flow of knowing I have aspergers; but sadly, there is still an element of fearing the conception that I am strange. Like you, I know I am, but really get scared that others see that in me and so, try to watch how others interact, but still there is a missing element.

The only solution is to find happiness within, in order to counterattack those cruel feelings that overwhelm us.


Thank goodness for this forum.

 

[Slime_Punk]

I am much of a mess that I wouldn’t be able to have that

Not to downplay what you're going through in your personal life, but you do realize most humans are a complete mess and are still able to form whatever bonds they choose, with varying degrees of effort required?

I understand not wanting to, and there are plenty reasons to avoid it, but it's almost certainly there if you want it.
I'm only stressing this because 'hard mode' does not mean 'impossible', and it can be overpowered.

 

[Shamar]

On Monday I walked to the town next to my village (it’s like 40 minutes away) to pay a bill since we dont have a post office here. I stopped off at the local supermarket to get some sharpies and also treated myself to a sketch doodle book, so I can start some more crafting hobby that I have lost over the years. I have also started reading more and started writing, and also (obviously with the walking in addition) doing workouts quite often. So, things are starting to work out — although family situation seems to be challenging at times and I really wish I could have someone to talk to about that without it being too much. But, I do realize that I am still isolated and looking around at people interact with each other…I really want that for myself. I hope that doesnt seem selfish. However, on Tuesday I went into the city and I think i may have overdone it because I had one of those emotional outbursts when I went into the bathroom at home and cried as a way to vent all the stress out or something. I dont think it was anxiety about going but maybe it Was subtle anxiety and I just didn’t really think of it As such. I dont know, it was quite weird but I think I need more practice going to places on my own and putting myself into these situations so I can manage this better. My worry is that, I may be wanting to do things too fast and I dont want to overwhelm myself too much, so my first question is what would you think was best to do? Try to gradually go out like I have started to do and just go to the town next to my village often (plus the walk is good) and build up steps from there or should I really be pushing myself and travel on the train to the city frequently ?


How do I regulate my emotions from the situations that are stressful in a way that does not end me having some emotional outburst in a locked bathroom? (I didnt self harm this time around)

Secondly, I feel lonely still. I want so desperately to socialize with people and to form friendships. I don’t really care about dating or establishing a relationship like that at the moment because I know that I am much of a mess that I wouldn’t be able to have that but having a friend is something I would like to have again. I haven’t really had one since university, and that was in a different country. Most of the communications has been on WhatsApp (with that acquaintance from university reaching out which is nice but he’s not in this country and he messaged, I take a long time to respond and I hope that doesn’t come across as rude). I find interactions with people to be terrifying. I dont want them to think that I am weird — I am but I dont want that to be a first impression. I really do think that the fear of rejection really prevents me from making initial contact but I dont know how best to get around the worry and just go about doing it. Most of my experience with socializing usually either fails from the first meeting or much later because I cant maintain it. Most of the social interactions I have now either come from when I am working (which are very minor interactions) cons I go to (I really push myself in those but always feel extremely tired afterwards And lead to emotional outbursts afterwards but I have not formed friendships from any of these) or within my family. I fear that I am out of practice. I am not particularly happy all the time, and people seem to want other people to be happy and positive around them, and I am trying to not be like that but I seem to be the architect of my own making and i keep telling myself that i cant do this and i start believing it and then i become sad, negative and Woeful. Thing is, I have been long at groups that I could join (local theatre group, badminton).I just haven’t contacted them and I dont want to wait for so long like last year and all the years before but I cant seem to take the action to contact. I feel like I am second-guessing myself quite often and I really would like to stop doing this. Are there any tips to handle any of this?

Somehow I missed your post yeaterday. After reading it, all I can say is "Ditto!" I have always envied guys who could walk up to a girl, introduce themselves and start talking. Thinking about it scares me silly, starting to do it is panic inducing, and opening my mouth to talk causes cerebral shutdown. And then they think I'm weird. It is nice to have the solidarity and companionship I find here.

 

[Owliet]

Though that said, in my own case since I do tend to live a rather isolated life in general, I try to make a concerted effort to briefly socialize with people like store checkers and such. Just to stay in practice, and not let my voice crack from not speaking to anyone for prolonged periods of time. Superficial NT banter- brief and friendly.

Yes, I realize that by being isolated or being afraid to even form regular contact really puts me out of practice for long periods of time. When I was newly diagnosed, i became a hermit and didnt go out or interact with anyone. I did my school work (homeschooled) and played video games — Only social interaction I got from them was playing WoW. Because of this, I lost practice and found going to university the first year to be extremely difficult. But then, the rest of university I really made an effort to interact with people even though it was difficult and for the first time I ended up having friendships. However, any time I have a long period, I just lose the ability to even approach people without fear of rejection. I have had a lot of these, and I guess maybe it is the reason for my reluctance. For example, the lockdowns weren’t really that much of a big deal to me during them, because it was pretty much how I lived my life, although I was disappointed by the lack of job opportunities after finally getting my degree although I do understand WHY but still, it really threw that wrench in. Socializing, wasn’t a big deal physically because I just didnt do it. Most of mine were online and when my friend from university stopped responding, THAT hurt more than anything and really impacted my confidence in socializing. I never really got a reason why although I do think that it was because she found lockdown to be difficult but I was worried that it was my fault and I had scared her away.

At work, I have enjoyed the job but I find the environment with colleagues to be extremely challenging and even though some of it is from them, I do think I dont make it easier for myself. But I have certainly learned a lot from each job now. But last job, I think I was very much afraid of interactions that I spent most of the breaks between lessons to work or just sit around and read reddit on my phone - which is not really something that conveys I am a good and friendly person who interacts normally. =( Maybe I worry too much about what people think of me…

At cons, I do push myself and become extremely burned out by the end and I guess I need to find a balance between staying in practice and not being burned out but also not doing the bare minimum either.

I definitely empathize with what you are writing. There were several years when I essentially did nothing except hang out on YouTube after school. I did practice badminton and table tennis which was a lot of fun, and it was important to be physically active, but I also didn't really connect with the other kids so I understand your worries regarding being "the weird one". I have a few suggestions you might find helpful.

---

1. It's late in Switzerland now, so you won't be able to contact any of those groups now. However, I want you to write yourself an email, adjust the sending settings so that you receive it tomorrow after work. In this letter I want you to write the phone number or email address of the places you are interested in, and a command like "call them now". I find it much easier to do things if someone is telling me clearly what to do, so that's what I'm doing with you now. Don't postpone. Send and then contact. You will feel relief of having accomplished the call and started something new, even though it's a difficult wall to push through. I believe you can do it .

2. Set yourself tasks. I'm not talking about something generic like "make more friends" and "be more social". Maybe that's what your end goals are, but it isn't useful for you to think about now. What I'm thinking about are smaller identifiable steps which can increase confidence in yourself.

One of the goals I set myself was to learn the names of people going to university with me. I had always been really terrible with names and didn't even learn the names of the classmates I had been with for 7 years in elementary school till the last year. However, when I thought about it, I realized that the reason I didn't remember any names is because I didn't really care about the people, so I didn't even try to memorize them. Remembering anyone's names didn't gain me any friends directly, but it did help me be more confident in social situations, even though I sometimes had to ask a person their name 5 or 6 times. It also meant that I was "seen" as more friendly, so people felt better about talking with me.

Your task can be something like "apply to a social event" (like badminton or a theatre troupe ), initiate sending a message to someone once a month (can even be on the forum), or "excuse myself and go somewhere private immediately when I find anxiety kicking in instead of allowing it to build up and overwhelm me". Those goals should not feel impossible or damaging to you, and there should be clear benefit (increase social skills, better emotional self-regulation). You should not feel bad for failing the tasks, but it should rather be things you can always work on and feel accomplished about when you feel like it. At other times it's just not something you feel comfortable doing, and that's okay. It means that you might need smaller tasks or that you are going through a rough period. It happens.

3. Be patient, and don't put too much pressure on yourself. Remember that though they can be worked on, social skills tend to be biologically more difficult for people on the autism spectrum to learn due to sensory overload. It's perfectly normal to have difficulties connecting and feel like the odd one out. I can tell you that from my own experience, I've only once been a part of a large group, and that was due to very unusual circumstances I doubt I'll encounter again. I've taken acting courses, practiced badminton and table tennis, volunteered and even joined a choir. None of those activities gave me a friend and I always felt like the odd one, but I persevere. The reason I do so is not because I am still wishing to find a friend, but because I enjoy the activities. When I have found friends, it has always tended to be other loners or outsiders, so I think that's what you should look for. If you see someone awkward and by themselves, try talking with them. They might feel exactly the same as you but didn't want to risk awkwardness (just like yourself). Being more active has really helped me be more confident in myself, and I hope it can help you too.

---

I don't have specific suggestions for how far or often you should travel. As @Angular Chap mentioned, that's for you to decide based on what you know about yourself. I wish you the best on working at strengthening yourself. I know it isn't easy, and can in fact be very difficult. I think you show great strength in writing this (and other) message since it can be scary to open oneself up. However, I've really enjoyed your presence on the forums, and I say it in full honesty from what I know of you based on your messages that you can do it.

Kind regards,
-K.

This is very useful and I really appreciate it, I will give all of this as a way of strategy and try to give it a go. Its also really nice to know that others feel the same about this.=) And I appreciate your messages on here too.

My only concern is that even within a single day, I can swing between highs and lows, and I really dislike letting people down and not doing my best.

Yes. I have these weird moments in one day when my highs can go immediately to lows and lows get really low. I dont like to be a presence when I have these moments because I know that it creates a mood. =(

so I am just learning from the responses.

Same, I really appreciate all the responses and always take in the wisdom that’s been given. It really does help to know that some have succeeded despite the difficulties and I use that as inspiration to think that it is achievable for me too…

 

[Owliet]

make the conversation fizzle out.

Yes, this happens to me at times. I dont think it is always my fault but it certainly feels like it and then I feel anxious that i have to keep the conversation going, and so i start to babble about anything and that also comes across like I am a crazy person. =(

When I did work, it was horrendeous for me. Whilst other collegues went out for lunch together, I was always on my own. Hated it so much.

Sometimes this was self inflicted for me. Last job during breaks, I would just stay in a room and “work” (although sometimes I did actually do work. I didnt really go to the staff room like I should do and take a break. The people were nice enough, and I feel really bad that I was just awkward. In my other work place, the other colleagues would often do these social events and for some reason, I was never invited on the email. I once mentioned this to another colleague who I was close to and he was like “just come” but I never did because there was not an invitation for me directly, so i didnt want to be the spare wheel. It made me feel like I was unwanted and that i was not accepted. =(. Lunch time I would often work whilst having lunch and often, I didnt have lunch. I was often on my own or i would take extra duty just to get outside and have something to do.

Not to downplay what you're going through in your personal life, but you do realize most humans are a complete mess and are still able to form whatever bonds they choose, with varying degrees of effort required?

I understand not wanting to, and there are plenty reasons to avoid it, but it's almost certainly there if you want it.
I'm only stressing this because 'hard mode' does not mean 'impossible', and it can be overpowered.

I do get that but I cant really be in a relationship without having some foundation for myself against issues. I can swing between highs and lows if triggered and i can spend a long time feeling very low and depressed. I dont think anyone wants to be around that. I even avoid the forum when I am like this because I know that if i am stressed out or low enough that I lack the energy to interact. I dont think someone in a relationship with me would be deserving of that even if all humans are a complete mess of chaos In varying degrees. I dont want to be a burden. So it’s not really about going on hard mode and not wanting to but it’s just being aware that I need to build myself up.

 

[Patsy]

On Monday I walked to the town next to my village (it’s like 40 minutes away) to pay a bill since we dont have a post office here. I stopped off at the local supermarket to get some sharpies and also treated myself to a sketch doodle book, so I can start some more crafting hobby that I have lost over the years. I have also started reading more and started writing, and also (obviously with the walking in addition) doing workouts quite often. So, things are starting to work out — although family situation seems to be challenging at times and I really wish I could have someone to talk to about that without it being too much. But, I do realize that I am still isolated and looking around at people interact with each other…I really want that for myself. I hope that doesnt seem selfish. However, on Tuesday I went into the city and I think i may have overdone it because I had one of those emotional outbursts when I went into the bathroom at home and cried as a way to vent all the stress out or something. I dont think it was anxiety about going but maybe it Was subtle anxiety and I just didn’t really think of it As such. I dont know, it was quite weird but I think I need more practice going to places on my own and putting myself into these situations so I can manage this better. My worry is that, I may be wanting to do things too fast and I dont want to overwhelm myself too much, so my first question is what would you think was best to do? Try to gradually go out like I have started to do and just go to the town next to my village often (plus the walk is good) and build up steps from there or should I really be pushing myself and travel on the train to the city frequently ?


How do I regulate my emotions from the situations that are stressful in a way that does not end me having some emotional outburst in a locked bathroom? (I didnt self harm this time around)

Secondly, I feel lonely still. I want so desperately to socialize with people and to form friendships. I don’t really care about dating or establishing a relationship like that at the moment because I know that I am much of a mess that I wouldn’t be able to have that but having a friend is something I would like to have again. I haven’t really had one since university, and that was in a different country. Most of the communications has been on WhatsApp (with that acquaintance from university reaching out which is nice but he’s not in this country and he messaged, I take a long time to respond and I hope that doesn’t come across as rude). I find interactions with people to be terrifying. I dont want them to think that I am weird — I am but I dont want that to be a first impression. I really do think that the fear of rejection really prevents me from making initial contact but I dont know how best to get around the worry and just go about doing it. Most of my experience with socializing usually either fails from the first meeting or much later because I cant maintain it. Most of the social interactions I have now either come from when I am working (which are very minor interactions) cons I go to (I really push myself in those but always feel extremely tired afterwards And lead to emotional outbursts afterwards but I have not formed friendships from any of these) or within my family. I fear that I am out of practice. I am not particularly happy all the time, and people seem to want other people to be happy and positive around them, and I am trying to not be like that but I seem to be the architect of my own making and i keep telling myself that i cant do this and i start believing it and then i become sad, negative and Woeful. Thing is, I have been long at groups that I could join (local theatre group, badminton).I just haven’t contacted them and I dont want to wait for so long like last year and all the years before but I cant seem to take the action to contact. I feel like I am second-guessing myself quite often and I really would like to stop doing this. Are there any tips to handle any of this?

I feel exactly the same. I definitely am not ready to try for a dating-type relationship again for a long time but new friends with similar interests would be awesome. I've been forcing myself to at least go to Barnes and Noble and hang out for a while, or go to the same comfy restaurant alone, just to be out of the house. Maybe you could find a place that isn't overwhelming to become a regular at, or join some kind of club or team that interests you.