Some actual progress lately

[Misery]

Okay, sort of a progress report, because it helps me to sort of keep track of small/large victories by writing them out. And it's good to sorta remind ourselves like, "hey, I really did accomplish that thing over there!" sometimes.

Lotsa stuff going on lately. I finally came out as trans to family (well, some of them anyway, my mom doesnt know yet), and... whaddya know, yet again NOBODY was surprised by this. Somebody could at least briefly ACT a bit shocked. That was a week ago now, and the doing of that had just physically wrecked me, badly... I needed like 5 days to recover from the sheer strain that anxiety had put me through. There's a lesson in there, really. That I need to really try to work on that type of anxiety, the sort that gets me scared over even things that I know will be fine.

Similar with the eye thing... I cant remember if I'd mentioned it on here before but I'd had some odd vision issues (or to be more accurate, I NOTICED issues that I'm pretty sure have been there for quite awhile). There were squiggly things and other stuff. I'd gotten myself into a total panic about it. My father, who knows WAY more about this sort of thing than I do after all of his experiences with this sort of thing and all of his many related doctor appointments, did his best to assure me that everything was fine, but I really didnt listen. Went to the eye doctor, they did 5 million tests, and... yeah, I'm fine. The explanations of everything didnt entirely make sense to me... I'm not good at understanding medical stuff... but it sums up as "some nearsighted people get this sort of thing, yeah it's kinda weird for the person having it but it's nothing to be scared of". All the evidence and test results was shown to me in detail that frankly I didnt really need to see, I tell ya we're not really meant to see the inside of our own eyes, I coulda gone without that part. Still though, the anxiety clung even after that appointment. I knew it wasnt rational at this point, and that realization did help. But I've made progress! When the anxiety over that one creeps in now, I try to think of the appointment and the doctor carefully pointing out the test results and such. Just... focus on that thought, hold that for a bit, and then the anxiety drops.

Masking less too, there's progress there. Gender expression, made some changes there FINALLY, they are not huge changes but still, steps forward for the first time in... I dont want to know how long. And less masking of autistic traits too. Like, I dont know why I tried so hard all the time to mask that part around family, they've all known about my diagnosis and such for 2 decades now, what the heck was I trying to accomplish there? That's been sort of a recurring theme in realizations recently, thoughts of "why did I keep doing this to myself for so long" or "why didnt I just do this thing sooner", and I think there's something to be learned from that, really. Provided I actually let myself do so instead of discarding the lesson for no good reason.

Over the last couple of days I also did what I guess could be referred to as an "internet detox", is the term I've heard. Didnt touch the forum, didnt touch a bunch of other things I normally frequent. I highly recommend the experience, really. Just, you know every now and then, put it down for a couple of days. I realize, suddenly, how stuck in a rut I'd gotten. I kept like, almost doing such-and-such thing I was taking a break from, and having to be like "wait, no, I said I wasnt going to do that for a couple of days". That's a running theme problem for me, getting sort of stuck in a routine of not varying things up enough. Not healthy to do that.

Got started on the programming & game design stuff FINALLY. I have a Skillshare subscription, decided, hey, I'm gonna sit down, I'm just going to freaking do this, let's get the lessons going, and all of that stuff. No more of this "oh I'll start on it tomorrow" that always then goes forward more and more. Enough of that nonsense. So yeah, I sat down, and just started doing it. Ya know, I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed that sort of thing... it had been so very, very long. There was a time, way back as a kid, and in college, when I'd wanted to become a programmer professionally and whatnot. And I remember from a million zillion years ago, spending a lot of time with QBasic as a kid (anyone here remember that, on DOS machines? Looooooong time ago...) I had a lot of fun with it, and like... at some point I just forgot about how much enjoyment I got out of it. It's been a VERY long time since I'd touched any of that sort of thing. I start back in on it now, and it just sorta all comes back. Though, no Basic of any form this time, now we're doing Python. That's the programming stuff, the game design thing is actually separate. The point though is, I finally sat the heck down, and just freaking started on it. Instead of sticking in that loop of "well I'll do it tomorrow". Now if I can just keep that going.

Trying to do that with my other hobbies too. Only downside though is that it's left me rather sore, due to simply more activity than I'm used to. But that's fine. That gets better over time, sort of.

Also I've been learning a lot about my new phone, and it's like... have these things always been this capable? I'm glad I got away from stupid Apple devices, I hadnt realized just how much I hated those. Having done that, this is like jumping into a whole new world of technology. So that's been interesting.

So... yeah, some positive stuff, some lessons learned (or at least partially learned), and so on. Sure aint perfect, anxiety is still pretty much pervasive, it wont shut the heck up and leave me alone. And there's more stuff to shoot for, a lot more. And I gotta actually keep up the momentum here, or what's the point of any of it?

Speaking of momentum... time to go DO something. That's enough typing on here for right now, time to go have food and then maybe time for more lessons. And time to do things with the dogs too, Dingle is doing that weird random spinning hop she does when she's trying to get me to focus on her, so... yep.

And now there is barking, I should go check on that. Always with the stairs. I need more exercise.

 

[Aspiecats]

Okay, sort of a progress report, because it helps me to sort of keep track of small/large victories by writing them out. And it's good to sorta remind ourselves like, "hey, I really did accomplish that thing over there!" sometimes.

Lotsa stuff going on lately. I finally came out as trans to family (well, some of them anyway, my mom doesnt know yet), and... whaddya know, yet again NOBODY was surprised by this. Somebody could at least briefly ACT a bit shocked. That was a week ago now, and the doing of that had just physically wrecked me, badly... I needed like 5 days to recover from the sheer strain that anxiety had put me through. There's a lesson in there, really. That I need to really try to work on that type of anxiety, the sort that gets me scared over even things that I know will be fine.

Similar with the eye thing... I cant remember if I'd mentioned it on here before but I'd had some odd vision issues (or to be more accurate, I NOTICED issues that I'm pretty sure have been there for quite awhile). There were squiggly things and other stuff. I'd gotten myself into a total panic about it. My father, who knows WAY more about this sort of thing than I do after all of his experiences with this sort of thing and all of his many related doctor appointments, did his best to assure me that everything was fine, but I really didnt listen. Went to the eye doctor, they did 5 million tests, and... yeah, I'm fine. The explanations of everything didnt entirely make sense to me... I'm not good at understanding medical stuff... but it sums up as "some nearsighted people get this sort of thing, yeah it's kinda weird for the person having it but it's nothing to be scared of". All the evidence and test results was shown to me in detail that frankly I didnt really need to see, I tell ya we're not really meant to see the inside of our own eyes, I coulda gone without that part. Still though, the anxiety clung even after that appointment. I knew it wasnt rational at this point, and that realization did help. But I've made progress! When the anxiety over that one creeps in now, I try to think of the appointment and the doctor carefully pointing out the test results and such. Just... focus on that thought, hold that for a bit, and then the anxiety drops.

Masking less too, there's progress there. Gender expression, made some changes there FINALLY, they are not huge changes but still, steps forward for the first time in... I dont want to know how long. And less masking of autistic traits too. Like, I dont know why I tried so hard all the time to mask that part around family, they've all known about my diagnosis and such for 2 decades now, what the heck was I trying to accomplish there? That's been sort of a recurring theme in realizations recently, thoughts of "why did I keep doing this to myself for so long" or "why didnt I just do this thing sooner", and I think there's something to be learned from that, really. Provided I actually let myself do so instead of discarding the lesson for no good reason.

Over the last couple of days I also did what I guess could be referred to as an "internet detox", is the term I've heard. Didnt touch the forum, didnt touch a bunch of other things I normally frequent. I highly recommend the experience, really. Just, you know every now and then, put it down for a couple of days. I realize, suddenly, how stuck in a rut I'd gotten. I kept like, almost doing such-and-such thing I was taking a break from, and having to be like "wait, no, I said I wasnt going to do that for a couple of days". That's a running theme problem for me, getting sort of stuck in a routine of not varying things up enough. Not healthy to do that.

Got started on the programming & game design stuff FINALLY. I have a Skillshare subscription, decided, hey, I'm gonna sit down, I'm just going to freaking do this, let's get the lessons going, and all of that stuff. No more of this "oh I'll start on it tomorrow" that always then goes forward more and more. Enough of that nonsense. So yeah, I sat down, and just started doing it. Ya know, I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed that sort of thing... it had been so very, very long. There was a time, way back as a kid, and in college, when I'd wanted to become a programmer professionally and whatnot. And I remember from a million zillion years ago, spending a lot of time with QBasic as a kid (anyone here remember that, on DOS machines? Looooooong time ago...) I had a lot of fun with it, and like... at some point I just forgot about how much enjoyment I got out of it. It's been a VERY long time since I'd touched any of that sort of thing. I start back in on it now, and it just sorta all comes back. Though, no Basic of any form this time, now we're doing Python. That's the programming stuff, the game design thing is actually separate. The point though is, I finally sat the heck down, and just freaking started on it. Instead of sticking in that loop of "well I'll do it tomorrow". Now if I can just keep that going.

Trying to do that with my other hobbies too. Only downside though is that it's left me rather sore, due to simply more activity than I'm used to. But that's fine. That gets better over time, sort of.

Also I've been learning a lot about my new phone, and it's like... have these things always been this capable? I'm glad I got away from stupid Apple devices, I hadnt realized just how much I hated those. Having done that, this is like jumping into a whole new world of technology. So that's been interesting.

So... yeah, some positive stuff, some lessons learned (or at least partially learned), and so on. Sure aint perfect, anxiety is still pretty much pervasive, it wont shut the heck up and leave me alone. And there's more stuff to shoot for, a lot more. And I gotta actually keep up the momentum here, or what's the point of any of it?

Speaking of momentum... time to go DO something. That's enough typing on here for right now, time to go have food and then maybe time for more lessons. And time to do things with the dogs too, Dingle is doing that weird random spinning hop she does when she's trying to get me to focus on her, so... yep.

And now there is barking, I should go check on that. Always with the stairs. I need more exercise.

The eye thing you describe sounds like an optical migraine. I get them too, and of course went to Doctor about it to find that is what it is. Sometimes it looks like a wavy shattered glass across my vision.

 

[Au Naturel]

There were squiggly things and other stuff

That could be a kind of migraine. The visual effects are called "aura." When I get them, they look like bright shimmering snakes. Caused by dilated blood vessels putting pressure on the optic nerve.

 

[MNAus]

That's been sort of a recurring theme in realizations recently, thoughts of "why did I keep doing this to myself for so long" or "why didnt I just do this thing sooner", and I think there's something to be learned from that, really. Provided I actually let myself do so instead of discarding the lesson for no good reason.

I have this too, so this isn't a judgment but thinking alongside you. Is it perhaps stubbornness, or even a form of arrogance? Maybe not coming from a place of "oh I'm so clever, I know better than everyone else" but perhaps a "listen, I KNOW it's going to be bad news", but still not being prepared to accept other people's views and actually avoiding them because, well, you already know how it's going to turn out and you're sure you're probably right about that?

Speaking personally here, but for me there's something in that. It's not a haughty feeling of superiority, but a stubbornness of "knowing" how thing will surely pan out if we followed advice or took the alternative path.

 

[Aspychata]

Success story. You writing about your milestones, helps others including me, that we can accomplish things, despite the reoccurring roadblocks we hit hard.

 

[kriss72]

Hi @Misery great to hear about your progress, I'm happy to hear that it went well with telling your family (except your mother) about being trans.

Yeah, I'm old enough to remember QBasic on DOS - ended with C/C++ thou, none of the other languages has really clicked for me, with perl as the only possible exception

 

[SusanLR]

Nice to hear good updates like this.
Get going and doing something.
The routine and "I'll do it tomorrow," are all too familiar.

Glad you got the trans issue over and that it really wasn't a big surprise.

 

[Rodafina]

...time to go have food and then maybe time for more lessons.

Time for more lessons. I love it. This is life. We can always be learning, changing, and growing into our happier and more content selves. I too have more lessons to learn, today and every day.

It is nice to be able to look back and notice real and positive change, though. The greatest help to my worst depression and anxiety was accepting the idea of CHANGE. We do not have to be stagnantly stuck in a mire of misery for all time. There is hope for change if we are willing to learn.

 

[Angular Chap]

Great to hear you successes, @Misery.

You talking about coming out on here was one of the things that inspired me to come out about my autism to my own close family, so thanks for that!

All the best to you as always.

 

[Au Naturel]

People must reach their own conclusions and it won't happen until they are ready. Most never do. If I were to have suggested to you that this and that were self-defeating behaviors you would have rejected it outright, regardless of any logic I provided. You would probably have had very bad things to say about me. But if you realize it yourself, the lesson can be accepted. I think it is a matter of control.

 

[Misery]

It is nice to be able to look back and notice real and positive change, though.

This bit here reminds me of something that turned out to be real important.

My therapist, who I've been seeing weekly for awhile now, for the gender stuff, anxiety, and various autism-related things, gave me one of the most important bits of advice a couple of weeks back. I was talking about how frustrated I was getting with myself, for having gone so bloody long putting all this off over and over and making no progress. Who knows how far along I COULD have been if I had only done X. That sort of view. And she told me this: "Instead of focusing on that, why dont we flip it around. It's not about the progress you COULD have made. Rather, think now about the small steps you have already taken, and realize you can go further than that. Think about all the things you GET TO accomplish in the future now. Imagine just how that's going to feel. You get to experience that soon."

That, right there, was what finally did it. I came out one week later. And looking back on that now, the "wow I really did that" is going to help me go forward from there.

I've been trying to keep this concept in mind as I learn programming too. Yeah, I COULD have been far along now if I'd just gotten started months ago when I said I would. No denying that fact. But heck with that: I now get to do so many things with that and make and learn cool stuff. It's difficult, oh yeah. Anyone who has done any coding knows it can be real hard. Same with stuff involving learning/using a game engine. Same with art! But as I keep going and doing stuff, holy heck it feels so satisfying. But I cant do any of it if I focus on "could have".

And I have to be ready to be hit with the effects of change, as you said.

I wish I could help others learn this too. I cant even describe just how much of an impact this particular lesson has had. Change is hard, on the spectrum. But dagnabit, we really can do it, cant we? If we allow ourselves to.

I have this too, so this isn't a judgment but thinking alongside you. Is it perhaps stubbornness, or even a form of arrogance? Maybe not coming from a place of "oh I'm so clever, I know better than everyone else" but perhaps a "listen, I KNOW it's going to be bad news", but still not being prepared to accept other people's views and actually avoiding them because, well, you already know how it's going to turn out and you're sure you're probably right about that?

Speaking personally here, but for me there's something in that. It's not a haughty feeling of superiority, but a stubbornness of "knowing" how thing will surely pan out if we followed advice or took the alternative path.

I think it's been sort of a combination of what you're saying here, and emotion taking control. Fear, mainly. As much as I hate to admit it I'm scared of like, pretty much everything. Including things that outright dont make any sense to be afraid of.

Combine all that, and... yeah, it gets in the way of any progress.

People must reach their own conclusions and it won't happen until they are ready. Most never do. If I were to have suggested to you that this and that were self-defeating behaviors you would have rejected it outright, regardless of any logic I provided. You would probably have had very bad things to say about me. But if you realize it yourself, the lesson can be accepted. I think it is a matter of control.

Pretty much, yeah.

That moment of realization, that's the truly hard part, I think. This sort of thing shows itself on the forum here every now and then, and tends to go the same way every time until that person finally has that moment of realization. And then things start to click all at once. But actually hitting that point? Not easy, that's for sure.

Hi @Misery great to hear about your progress, I'm happy to hear that it went well with telling your family (except your mother) about being trans.

Yeah, I'm old enough to remember QBasic on DOS - ended with C/C++ thou, none of the other languages has really clicked for me, with perl as the only possible exception

Ya know, I tried to learn C++ at one point, ages ago. Remember those enormous books on subjects like that which you'd see at bookstores and such? Those huge thick ones, every subject related to learning programming always had those giant books. I tried to learn that language from one of those, forever ago, and... haha, yeah, it didnt go well. I think that was just a bit beyond me at that point.

Honestly C++ seems really freaking hard from what I've seen. At some point I might try it, maybe, because Unreal Engine uses it (not that UE cant be used without it, but it offers way more control that way).

 

[Au Naturel]

The way C and its variations were explained to me is that you just do a flow chart and then grab the routines to perform each step. Let someone else do the low level coding.

 

[AuAL]

@Au Naturel, hardly anyone seems to know about Nassi-Schneiderman anymore. Do they still teach it? Mmmm, software libraries

 

[kriss72]

Ya know, I tried to learn C++ at one point, ages ago. Remember those enormous books on subjects like that which you'd see at bookstores and such? Those huge thick ones, every subject related to learning programming always had those giant books. I tried to learn that language from one of those, forever ago, and... haha, yeah, it didnt go well. I think that was just a bit beyond me at that point.

Honestly C++ seems really freaking hard from what I've seen. At some point I might try it, maybe, because Unreal Engine uses it (not that UE cant be used without it, but it offers way more control that way).

Yeah I remember those booke from before we could find everything on-line - sometimes you got the feeling the authors were paid by the page and had artificially made the book as thick as possible

C++ has grown significantly over the years (and not only for the better IMHO), so I'm happy I don't have to learn it from scratch these days, but have learned as the language evolved - luckily you don't have to start with a full understanding

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

Misery, I am so glad to hear you have come out to your family. Many gold stars for that.

Thank you for writing about your transformative experience. These experiences are waiting for each of us and hearing your experience reminds me of that.