Duncan74
Well-Known Member
So over the last month since 'A-day' when the bolt from the blue came and the AQ/RAAD etc all said Autism I've done a whole lot of reading and a lot of thinking. And this thread is very self-indulgent, but also to help me with my own thinking and recollection. By way of intro I'm late 40s, with a very senior role in an engineering consultancy, married, no kids and awaiting the formal assessment after my GP and counsellor asked for a referral.
Headline- I've spent my whole life feeling and being told I am 'unique' - think differently, act unconventionally, behave oddly. And then in the last month I suddenly find I am a complete Autism cliche of behaviours. This is perhaps the biggest 'mind 'fk' for me at the moment. It's comforting and unsettling.
1) I was an only child, and spent most of my life thinking my challenge with peer social skills was due to not having siblings to practice on.
2) As a kid I was clumsy, as a teen I suffered badly with joint pains, and then as an adult I've really struggled with balance and have no pre-preoception in my ankles. I've often joked with my physio about my 'odd body' that seems to be wired differently as she sometimes agrees the chain of strains/pain don't follow the manual. Now seems we know why.
3) As a child I was assessed and moved up a year, the following year moved to a new school and came 1st Maths/3rd in english in my first ever exam, then second in both in the following exams. From there my academic record was 'patchy' - I tended to do well in exams, but I was awful in doing homework/coursework. Made my parents/teachers life hell and in turn they made my life hell. Attwood's book had a great section explaining this. So I suspect that nowadays the true issue would have been picked up, sadly not in the 1970s.
4) As a kid I'd spend ages taking things apart to understand how they worked. Radios, clockwork toy cars, anything. By the time I was a teen it was the petrol lawnmower. And After I'd put it back together you had to jog behind to keep up with it ;-) I've built pedal cycles from scratch, and it all just makes sense to me in my mind.
5) My drawing was done on an A0 draughtsboard, all with rulers and in isometric. When I was drawing houses /buildings I'd be doing these as floor plans copying architects drawings. Not being funny but in hindesight all I was missing was a f'ing neon flashing 'Aspergers' sign on a sandwich board.....
6) I nearly dropped out of uni at the end of my first year. My room was opposite the kitchen and so there was noise from early in the morning through to late at night and I just couldn't find any 'alone' time in that first term. Luckily I did manage to stay and see it though, but that was by finding ways to create my own space/time in amongst what was supposed to be a time when you spend all your time socialising. Again, funny looking back, but re-writing the constitution of the student union, complete with all cross references in my spare time was a great way of being 'social' and not social at the same time.
7) I always thought I was an extreme introvert - able to socialise but then needing time to energise alone. In reality I'd learnt to be very good at faking social skills but only able to do that for so long.
8) Alcohol and other 'things' at certain times of my life have provided a crutch to 'be normal'. I don't regret this at all, and indeed think that there is a strong case for me personally that this allowed me the space to 'learn' the masking skills that have enabled me to do what I have with my life.
9) I am unsure if an early diagnosis would have meant I didn't try as hard to learn the social skills or rather the mitigations. If I'd have had the drive to continue to push. But certainly at this point in my life I'm really really pleased to have this understanding. I don't think I would cope with another major unexplained 'crash'.
10) I genuinely started briefing new colleagues with a 'how to work with Duncan' session when they started about 4 years ago. That sometimes I could be blunt without realising it, and whilst that was on me, I also asked that they tell me as I may not notice and would then apologise. That I needed time to consider, so to send me the information I needed ahead of the meeting, and that I needed the data from the bottom up, not just headline info.
11) My time as a people manager was an experiment never to repeat. A memorable screw up was when I couldn't remember the genders of a team members children I thought using non-gendered term 'it' was going to be fine.... This was 10 years ago and before we were quite as used to non-binary language and this rather predictably led to a fairly major breakdown in the relationship after she took offence to her kids being 'it'.
12) People that know me well really value the 'different' way of thinking. People that don't know me well I now understand why they think I am a 'dick'. Abrupt, always right, finding fault, inflexible and confuse them with irrelevant details.
13) This time last year I got some psychometric test results back that really shook me and along with some other things sent me into a fairly deep and dark spiral of depression. Basically showed how hard it was going to be for me to succeed in the role I am in. But at the same time, and in hindesight it was this test that provided the foundation for myself and the counsellor to pick up on the Autism, and so now is the very same thing giving me great hope for the future.
14) I am well aware of my deficiencies/challenges. Up until this last month I've never spent any time thinking of the strengths / special skills I have. Sure other people mention those, but I gloss over them, and quickly go to the negatives I need to 'work on' or change. Now I know I've been wasting my time in a lot of ways here, I need to find the right mitigations by using the strengths in different ways.
15) As was mentioned by a good friend and ex colleague I get very frustrated when I am logically correct in something, but when things don't work out due to the illogical behaviours of other humans it throws me. Also at work I'm very good in difficult conversations when I plan in advance, but screw up simple ones as I've not rehearsed all teh options.
16) I sometimes get confused with conversations I think I've had when in reality I've only 'rehearsed that' in my mind before hand. So I can be fairly certain I've had a conversation only to have the other person insist we didn't. I'd never fully accepted or realised I did this rehearsing. I also can let this rehearsing bring me into a dark place, as this rehearsal can include the other participant being awkward, rude or confrontational. Again, I can sometimes let this colour my mood going into the actual conversation or even just my general mood where in effect I've had a massive argument that's not really occurred.
17) I had a teacher at school that really picked on me. He ended up giving me detentions every break for a year, where I had to stand on my own in silence outside the staffroom. Morning break and Lunch. Joke's on you as even then I didn't mind and now I realise it was perfect, time to just be me. Up until now I blamed him for stunting my social skill development but in reality it just gave me the space to recharge. And no, he most certainly wasn't being insightful ahead of his time. He was an evil failed soccer player that tried to pass his failures down to others.
Sorry for long post.
8)
Headline- I've spent my whole life feeling and being told I am 'unique' - think differently, act unconventionally, behave oddly. And then in the last month I suddenly find I am a complete Autism cliche of behaviours. This is perhaps the biggest 'mind 'fk' for me at the moment. It's comforting and unsettling.
1) I was an only child, and spent most of my life thinking my challenge with peer social skills was due to not having siblings to practice on.
2) As a kid I was clumsy, as a teen I suffered badly with joint pains, and then as an adult I've really struggled with balance and have no pre-preoception in my ankles. I've often joked with my physio about my 'odd body' that seems to be wired differently as she sometimes agrees the chain of strains/pain don't follow the manual. Now seems we know why.
3) As a child I was assessed and moved up a year, the following year moved to a new school and came 1st Maths/3rd in english in my first ever exam, then second in both in the following exams. From there my academic record was 'patchy' - I tended to do well in exams, but I was awful in doing homework/coursework. Made my parents/teachers life hell and in turn they made my life hell. Attwood's book had a great section explaining this. So I suspect that nowadays the true issue would have been picked up, sadly not in the 1970s.
4) As a kid I'd spend ages taking things apart to understand how they worked. Radios, clockwork toy cars, anything. By the time I was a teen it was the petrol lawnmower. And After I'd put it back together you had to jog behind to keep up with it ;-) I've built pedal cycles from scratch, and it all just makes sense to me in my mind.
5) My drawing was done on an A0 draughtsboard, all with rulers and in isometric. When I was drawing houses /buildings I'd be doing these as floor plans copying architects drawings. Not being funny but in hindesight all I was missing was a f'ing neon flashing 'Aspergers' sign on a sandwich board.....
6) I nearly dropped out of uni at the end of my first year. My room was opposite the kitchen and so there was noise from early in the morning through to late at night and I just couldn't find any 'alone' time in that first term. Luckily I did manage to stay and see it though, but that was by finding ways to create my own space/time in amongst what was supposed to be a time when you spend all your time socialising. Again, funny looking back, but re-writing the constitution of the student union, complete with all cross references in my spare time was a great way of being 'social' and not social at the same time.
7) I always thought I was an extreme introvert - able to socialise but then needing time to energise alone. In reality I'd learnt to be very good at faking social skills but only able to do that for so long.
8) Alcohol and other 'things' at certain times of my life have provided a crutch to 'be normal'. I don't regret this at all, and indeed think that there is a strong case for me personally that this allowed me the space to 'learn' the masking skills that have enabled me to do what I have with my life.
9) I am unsure if an early diagnosis would have meant I didn't try as hard to learn the social skills or rather the mitigations. If I'd have had the drive to continue to push. But certainly at this point in my life I'm really really pleased to have this understanding. I don't think I would cope with another major unexplained 'crash'.
10) I genuinely started briefing new colleagues with a 'how to work with Duncan' session when they started about 4 years ago. That sometimes I could be blunt without realising it, and whilst that was on me, I also asked that they tell me as I may not notice and would then apologise. That I needed time to consider, so to send me the information I needed ahead of the meeting, and that I needed the data from the bottom up, not just headline info.
11) My time as a people manager was an experiment never to repeat. A memorable screw up was when I couldn't remember the genders of a team members children I thought using non-gendered term 'it' was going to be fine.... This was 10 years ago and before we were quite as used to non-binary language and this rather predictably led to a fairly major breakdown in the relationship after she took offence to her kids being 'it'.
12) People that know me well really value the 'different' way of thinking. People that don't know me well I now understand why they think I am a 'dick'. Abrupt, always right, finding fault, inflexible and confuse them with irrelevant details.
13) This time last year I got some psychometric test results back that really shook me and along with some other things sent me into a fairly deep and dark spiral of depression. Basically showed how hard it was going to be for me to succeed in the role I am in. But at the same time, and in hindesight it was this test that provided the foundation for myself and the counsellor to pick up on the Autism, and so now is the very same thing giving me great hope for the future.
14) I am well aware of my deficiencies/challenges. Up until this last month I've never spent any time thinking of the strengths / special skills I have. Sure other people mention those, but I gloss over them, and quickly go to the negatives I need to 'work on' or change. Now I know I've been wasting my time in a lot of ways here, I need to find the right mitigations by using the strengths in different ways.
15) As was mentioned by a good friend and ex colleague I get very frustrated when I am logically correct in something, but when things don't work out due to the illogical behaviours of other humans it throws me. Also at work I'm very good in difficult conversations when I plan in advance, but screw up simple ones as I've not rehearsed all teh options.
16) I sometimes get confused with conversations I think I've had when in reality I've only 'rehearsed that' in my mind before hand. So I can be fairly certain I've had a conversation only to have the other person insist we didn't. I'd never fully accepted or realised I did this rehearsing. I also can let this rehearsing bring me into a dark place, as this rehearsal can include the other participant being awkward, rude or confrontational. Again, I can sometimes let this colour my mood going into the actual conversation or even just my general mood where in effect I've had a massive argument that's not really occurred.
17) I had a teacher at school that really picked on me. He ended up giving me detentions every break for a year, where I had to stand on my own in silence outside the staffroom. Morning break and Lunch. Joke's on you as even then I didn't mind and now I realise it was perfect, time to just be me. Up until now I blamed him for stunting my social skill development but in reality it just gave me the space to recharge. And no, he most certainly wasn't being insightful ahead of his time. He was an evil failed soccer player that tried to pass his failures down to others.
Sorry for long post.
8)
