chrisgtl
Well-Known Member
Hi all,
OK - so here goes. I am Chris, 38, Male. During primary school everything seemed normal apart from my handwriting (my parents blamed it on me being left handed) and my inability to learn at the same speed as others. I always found exams hard because I couldn't remember things under pressure. I had a large group of friends in and out of school - I was a leader in my group - friends would follow me and my activities. This feels like a long time ago now - I loved that feeling of power. Still to this day I can smell the air riding my bike with friends following me etc....
During secondary school I was put in a 'special needs' class for English. I still laugh to this day at the fact I could not spell "because" - this was at the ripe old age of 12-13. I would always spell it "becas" or "becase" or some other way that clearly made sense in my own world. Another reason I was put into 'special needs' was because I would mix capital letters with lowercase letters. Very random indeed.
I clearly remembering I struggled like crazy with education. I was miles behind of everyone else - I didn't class myself as thick but I did notice my lack of remembering things, things I learnt literally an hour ago. I found as I got older through high school friends were less reliant on me - better offers came though perhaps. Offers I could not match nor compete with.
I would still lapse with my mixing of uppercase and lowercase letters and my handwriting was poor. Then something stupid happened! My best friend at primary school became my enemy as I started bullying him with a new group I latched onto. 38 years old and this still eats me. He was my best mate for bleeting sakes! We did everything together.....we were both called Chris. Like brothers. My now ex-best friend got picked up by another group of lads and AFAIK they are are still good friends to this day. Me however, nope.....not a single bean. If I could make one change about my life it would be this moment. I am completely ashamed of myself and often think about doing something stupid to myself as an apology to the world.
Leaving high school and going to 6th form further education............oh yeah, I completely failed my English and Maths and everything else GCSE's. I retook my English and Maths GCSE's and failed again. I gave up with education and got myself a laboratory job because my dad worked at the same place and he pulled some strings. Lucky! Because of that I have had many lab jobs including lab supervisor, then manager. Now I am an engineer for X-ray equipment. Well paid, great prospects. Next month I go to America again (for the 3rd time with my current employer) to train on some new kit which means I will be supporting F1 teams with their R&D into oil analysis. A dream come true!
I would give all this up if it mean I could go back to change the bullying thing. I'm pretty sure I'd be a different person now.
I seem to be liked by my colleagues, no one has a bad word for me (that I know of). I always get invited to social events. I always make excuses up. Everytime!
and this leads me on to where I am today. I struggle socially, really bad. I enjoy the company of 1 or 2 depending on their personality. I can't cope with groups of people no matter how long I have known them. I fall apart. I can't remember how to speak. I can't remember anything to say. I panic. Snowballs out of control. I make excuses to leave. I beat myself up for years to come. I feel ill from it all. Years go by, I somehow pluck up the courage to try again (at this point no one invited me because they know the answer will be no). I feel a nervous wreck on the buildup to it - it takes over. I literally pap myself. I have been known to go through with it - I fail. 100% guaranteed. I will either say or do something terribly weird in the moment and people will pick up on it and ask if I am OK. They will say 'Chris, whats up, your very quiet' - yes, because I am an introvert.
I am shy, but not shy at the same time. I don't understand. I can go watch Warrington Wolves rugby and shout the loudest there. I tested my shyness by going to (don't laugh) to a nudist camp - I was fine with it! Walking about without a care in the world. I was fine until someone came up to me for conversation. Boom - Chris goes into panic again. One word answers again like I am 6 - only thinking of how I can get away.
I have been for CBT loads. I have told my doctor I suffer with Social Anxiety. I joined a social anxiety forum. No way! I feel really sorry for those suffering with SA - they struggle to go shopping. I don't!
I recently watched a TV program about Chris Packham. I related to everything he said. I can smell things others can't. I see things others can't. I have this sense thing going on where I can almost predict what is about to happen. I see things differently to others. I know I do.
I have no idea what to do next. I hate this life of loneliness. I hate this shyness if it is just shyness. I don't believe it is. I can be fine with another person who I am comfortable with. I feel better meeting new people than with people I know I will see again. Can someone explain this? Like I have some sort of stage fright. Oh yeah, I can't pee in a busy public toilet even when I am busting. It just won't come out. I run into the cubical and within a couple minutes my body starts operating again.
This is the first time I have written all this down. There will be bits I have missed. I need to read back when I don't feel so emotionally knackered from revisiting my past.
-------------------------
Anyhow, hi all. I hope to find some answers, friends, light and a way to live with what I have.
OK - so here goes. I am Chris, 38, Male. During primary school everything seemed normal apart from my handwriting (my parents blamed it on me being left handed) and my inability to learn at the same speed as others. I always found exams hard because I couldn't remember things under pressure. I had a large group of friends in and out of school - I was a leader in my group - friends would follow me and my activities. This feels like a long time ago now - I loved that feeling of power. Still to this day I can smell the air riding my bike with friends following me etc....
During secondary school I was put in a 'special needs' class for English. I still laugh to this day at the fact I could not spell "because" - this was at the ripe old age of 12-13. I would always spell it "becas" or "becase" or some other way that clearly made sense in my own world. Another reason I was put into 'special needs' was because I would mix capital letters with lowercase letters. Very random indeed.
I clearly remembering I struggled like crazy with education. I was miles behind of everyone else - I didn't class myself as thick but I did notice my lack of remembering things, things I learnt literally an hour ago. I found as I got older through high school friends were less reliant on me - better offers came though perhaps. Offers I could not match nor compete with.
I would still lapse with my mixing of uppercase and lowercase letters and my handwriting was poor. Then something stupid happened! My best friend at primary school became my enemy as I started bullying him with a new group I latched onto. 38 years old and this still eats me. He was my best mate for bleeting sakes! We did everything together.....we were both called Chris. Like brothers. My now ex-best friend got picked up by another group of lads and AFAIK they are are still good friends to this day. Me however, nope.....not a single bean. If I could make one change about my life it would be this moment. I am completely ashamed of myself and often think about doing something stupid to myself as an apology to the world.
Leaving high school and going to 6th form further education............oh yeah, I completely failed my English and Maths and everything else GCSE's. I retook my English and Maths GCSE's and failed again. I gave up with education and got myself a laboratory job because my dad worked at the same place and he pulled some strings. Lucky! Because of that I have had many lab jobs including lab supervisor, then manager. Now I am an engineer for X-ray equipment. Well paid, great prospects. Next month I go to America again (for the 3rd time with my current employer) to train on some new kit which means I will be supporting F1 teams with their R&D into oil analysis. A dream come true!
I would give all this up if it mean I could go back to change the bullying thing. I'm pretty sure I'd be a different person now.
I seem to be liked by my colleagues, no one has a bad word for me (that I know of). I always get invited to social events. I always make excuses up. Everytime!
and this leads me on to where I am today. I struggle socially, really bad. I enjoy the company of 1 or 2 depending on their personality. I can't cope with groups of people no matter how long I have known them. I fall apart. I can't remember how to speak. I can't remember anything to say. I panic. Snowballs out of control. I make excuses to leave. I beat myself up for years to come. I feel ill from it all. Years go by, I somehow pluck up the courage to try again (at this point no one invited me because they know the answer will be no). I feel a nervous wreck on the buildup to it - it takes over. I literally pap myself. I have been known to go through with it - I fail. 100% guaranteed. I will either say or do something terribly weird in the moment and people will pick up on it and ask if I am OK. They will say 'Chris, whats up, your very quiet' - yes, because I am an introvert.
I am shy, but not shy at the same time. I don't understand. I can go watch Warrington Wolves rugby and shout the loudest there. I tested my shyness by going to (don't laugh) to a nudist camp - I was fine with it! Walking about without a care in the world. I was fine until someone came up to me for conversation. Boom - Chris goes into panic again. One word answers again like I am 6 - only thinking of how I can get away.
I have been for CBT loads. I have told my doctor I suffer with Social Anxiety. I joined a social anxiety forum. No way! I feel really sorry for those suffering with SA - they struggle to go shopping. I don't!
I recently watched a TV program about Chris Packham. I related to everything he said. I can smell things others can't. I see things others can't. I have this sense thing going on where I can almost predict what is about to happen. I see things differently to others. I know I do.
I have no idea what to do next. I hate this life of loneliness. I hate this shyness if it is just shyness. I don't believe it is. I can be fine with another person who I am comfortable with. I feel better meeting new people than with people I know I will see again. Can someone explain this? Like I have some sort of stage fright. Oh yeah, I can't pee in a busy public toilet even when I am busting. It just won't come out. I run into the cubical and within a couple minutes my body starts operating again.
This is the first time I have written all this down. There will be bits I have missed. I need to read back when I don't feel so emotionally knackered from revisiting my past.
-------------------------
Anyhow, hi all. I hope to find some answers, friends, light and a way to live with what I have.
