sometimes I want to be normal, sometimes not so much

[mellowriot]

Hey, the names Marc,
I have a very abrasive personality, and I think emotions are for the weak. for example, I didn't call my mom when her mother died, I just didn't give a ****, and I just don't have the energy to care about people in that manner. also, I have a son, and I act like a teacher more than anything else. I play with him, he's fun, but I rather give him a lecture than anything else. Anyways, I like myself this way. I have endured many insane things with flying colors, and I think its because of my personality. for example, I went to prison, in fact I served 4 1/2 years, but, it was an amazing experience. yes there were sad moments, like when the mother of my son told me she was engaged. but the whole ordeal was a cakewalk!

The thing is. My days are long and lonely. I swear, every single one of them feels like they're never going to end. See, I haven't had sex in about 6 years now, I haven't felt a hug in just as long. And thats the thing, normally men release their emotions and sort of reset their batteries with sex. but me. I push my emotions away, so I won't feel hurt. I have my tricks: homework, audiobooks, reading, etc etc. but other times the pushing goes wrong and I feel suicidal. The thing is, I don't want to die at all. I just have a harder and harder time controlling my body.

If I could have things my way, I'd move into the woods and work in silence for the rest of my life. But I can't do such a thing, because I love my son. So, I want to be normal, just because I know I'd blend in better, but at the same time. I know the cure is to just live alone, but as of right now that isn't an option.

anyways, thats who I am.

 

[Gritches]

Welcome! What was the first thing you ate when you got out of prison? Everyone remembers that.

 

[FreeDiver]

So tell me. Of all the forums out there on the internet. What made you come here to AspieCentral?

 

[Nitro]

 

[mellowriot]

So tell me. Of all the forums out there on the internet. What made you come here to AspieCentral?

Mainly my failure at love and friendship. See I don't mind my personality in any other aspect of life. I know that I am void of feelings and mostly I'm ok with that, because I'm good at pretending; at least I think I am. Pretending takes a lot of energy, but its specifically in the pretending phase that I make friends and I get numbers. The thing is I just can not listen to something I don't care about and I stop putting forth effort.

Every once in a while I meet people which I really do like, people who are intelligent but you know, also normal. This happens mainly at my gym, Im a member at a rock climbing place in NE-PA, and I swear, all the people there are med students, engineers, mathematicians etc, and the conversations are great. (which by the way I LIVE for public speaking, It makes my heart go wild) needless to say, I love technical and witty talks. specially with people who are smarter than me. I love trying to engage at their level of nuance and wit. anyways, I know the people I want to surround myself with, but I just can't get anyones attention for a real friendship or dating. I feel as they know there is something wrong with me, as if they think 'something is off on that guy' (so maybe I'm not so good at pretending as I think I am?)

I think I cry on my drive back home at least half the time, because I can only glimpse at the life I want.

This summer I met someone really special, but my personality pushed her away even when I was trying to be as normal as possible. She said I made her feel like nothing she did was ever good enough for me. She tries, she has made plans with me to hook up, etc etc. but somehow I always mess things up.

Either way, I just want to learn how to have a girlfriend again. Thats why I'm here.

Now, as far as knowing if this is the right place for me: I am self-diagnosed. I was diagnosed with depression when I was 16 or so, but that never felt right so I never took the meds. My family would probably tell you I have anger issues, they just won't say they cause it lol. for example, I gave my sister a car, and she never registered it in her name, she drove it without inspection or insurance, ripped the bumper off, broke the locking mechanism in the driver side door, side-swapped it numerous times and lost the keys. After I got the keys replaced in the middle of the night, I told her she owed me the money for the keys, and she replied that it wasn't her car so she didn't owe me anything. That made me go into a rage. A nasty one. So yeah, I'm always the bad guy in the house. Needless to say, I took the damn car from her and she rides the bus now. My sons' mother would tell you I am bipolar, but I can never relate to any bipolar person in a way that makes me feel like one of them. Aspergers feels so right, its like when you meet someone who tells you all the things you ever wanted to hear, but just never knew you did, or just never thought about.

Welcome! What was the first thing you ate when you got out of prison? Everyone remembers that.

I actually don't remember, I don't care too much about food, I eat anything thats available. I was actually really exited about going back to school. A month after being released I was taking classes at my local CC, and hopefully I get into an engineering program in either one of the two schools which offer it locally, by the fall.

 

[mellowriot]

Also, being lonely, but mostly not having any girls I could text, physically hurts. Thinking about my lack of companionship gives me headaches, ocular migraines, my blood pressure rises.

I wish I could function when the loneliness hits, but I can't. I just check my phone every 5 minutes for replies, but nothing shows up.

whats hurts even more is that I'm actually sorta good looking, I can get attention. but my personality turns every one off.

so it'd be great if I could get some advise on how to deal with the loneliness.

 

[Gracey]

You mention you just want to be normal.

You are normal.

Everyone is 'normal'
(For them)


The thing people won't trust is your act. They'll see through you like a clean glass window. That's what's signalling that something "off" about you.
Something hidden.

Stop checking your phone. It just serves as confirmation that nobody is contacting you.
That can't be a good feeling?

There's a big difference between feeling lonely and spending time alone.

Spending time alone means you get to decide what you do with your time. Answerable to nobody and no deadlines to meet or no obligations to fulfill. Your time is your own to do as you please.

I'm sorry I'm unable to offer instruction on how to have a girlfriend again.
Wouldn't know where to begin with that

 

[BiKuo_Hao]

Hello mellowriot. Reading your message is depressing, but fascinating. Not because I care about you, I don't. But I see myself in you, and it spares me the need of thinking, I only need to recognize instead ! "The thing is I just can not listen to something I don't care about and I stop putting forth effort. Pretending takes a lot of energy, but its specifically in the pretending phase that I make friends and I get numbers. The thing is I just can not listen to something I don't care about and I stop putting forth effort."
I'd hug you if I could, man !

 

[mellowriot]

The thing people won't trust is your act. They'll see through you like a clean glass window. That's what's signaling that something is "off" about you.
Something hidden.

Don't know what to say.. I'm out of ideas in that dept. I'm just kinda tired of being disappointing to others. I'm young and sorta in shape, I have long hair etc etc. point is, I think I kinda look like I'm a fun person to be around. And yeah, people have said, 'you like I could get really good drugs from you'. But then when they get to know me I'm this depressed, exhausted, debater, selfish, hardcore right wing conservative, who can only talk about the things he wants to talk about. And its repulsive. So yeah, sometimes I'm just like 'yeah I'm super ****ing fun to be around' but at the same exact time I still believe, "I WAS NOT PUT ON THIS EARTH TO ENTERTAIN ANYONE!".. so maybe thats the thing that they can see? maybe others enjoy hosting and entertaining and making others laugh. And my attitude is kinda like, 'you're going to sit there and be lectured by me, I am going to tell you why liberals are destroying this country'. lol I swear, thats always like on the tip of my tongue.

anyways, I can calm down once I have a girls attention. I am totally cool with the world when I have someone to talk to. I think I do. but you know, that never lasts long enough.

I'm sorry I'm unable to offer instruction on how to have a girlfriend again.
Wouldn't know where to begin with that

I just can't understand what people mean when they say anything slightly emotional. for example, I think that you want me to give you examples so as to give you a starting point. but then again you didn't say. 'how about you give me some examples'. but also, I kinda want to say f it and just start talking examples where I screw things up.

there just seems to be no algorithm which can help me notice intention, or pick up on language. I am like a computer. as in, I have to be told things specifically. step by step. I CANNOT read between the lines.

which is why I like textbooks as much as I do

they're so concise, theres no guess work!

Spending time alone means you get to decide what you do with your time. Answerable to nobody and no deadlines to meet or no obligations to fulfill. Your time is your own to do as you please.

sadly for me, if I don't have someone present to share things with, its almost like they never happened.

 

[mw2530]

I'll be 30 in a month or so and have never had a girlfriend. I've never really been close actually. I can count on one hand the number of dates I've been on and I've never made it past a 2nd date. Never been physically intimate with a girl. Quite depressing for sure and absolutely destroys self esteem. I've seemingly done everything right in order to have what someone else would want in a man except I can't seem to ever connect with anyone. I went to college, have a pretty decent paying job although it has been quite stressful at times. I'm debt free. Basically, I did everything that my fine public education told me to do in order to be successful in life. I am fairly good looking, with the exception of a somewhat hunched back. But all these "accomplishments" are not visible initially. It takes some social skills and a connection first. On the flip side, I can choose how to spend my free time for the most part. But inevitably, loneliness creeps in along with depression and anxiety. Hard to keep those at bay, so this free time ends up being wasted. Not sure why I am telling you all of this other than you are certainly not alone. I'm not sure how I should go about changing my current situation. It is only going to get more and more difficult to find a good girl as I get older. And someone I do meet will eventually learn about my lack of dating history and will only be looked at as very strange.

 

[mellowriot]

I'll be 30 in a month or so and have never had a girlfriend. I've never really been close actually. I can count on one hand the number of dates I've been on and I've never made it past a 2nd date. Never been physically intimate with a girl. Quite depressing for sure and absolutely destroys self esteem. I've seemingly done everything right in order to have what someone else would want in a man except I can't seem to ever connect with anyone. I went to college, have a pretty decent paying job although it has been quite stressful at times. I'm debt free. Basically, I did everything that my fine public education told me to do in order to be successful in life. I am fairly good looking, with the exception of a somewhat hunched back. But all these "accomplishments" are not visible initially. It takes some social skills and a connection first. On the flip side, I can choose how to spend my free time for the most part. But inevitably, loneliness creeps in along with depression and anxiety. Hard to keep those at bay, so this free time ends up being wasted. Not sure why I am telling you all of this other than you are certainly not alone. I'm not sure how I should go about changing my current situation. It is only going to get more and more difficult to find a good girl as I get older. And someone I do meet will eventually learn about my lack of dating history and will only be looked at as very strange.

I recently started experimenting with my tinder account. I changed my description, it now says that I love doing drugs, listening to music and being outdoors. It actually worked, I get attention now. I also stopped saying cute things and now I open with things like "I'm racist" and that works too !

The last one (Nicole) shows the girls number, so you know, for her privacy. But yeah, I feel you! stay strong bro. I cry a heck of a lot, because my progress is so damn slow!

but at least I'm making progress! which in real life, I never give myself credit for. (I don't want to come across as having confidence because I don't lol)

when I first got out of jail, in about 2-3 weeks I was going to hook up with someone, and I had my thing out and she was, you know, ready. and I wimped out! I actually wimped out of doing it. And it kinda traumatized me; that I was so scared. let me rephrase that. the fact that I was scared, has traumatized me.

what I want to say is. that theres this unwritten language which uses emotions, with is like impossible for me to understand, but I can kinda see that its there. I say just keep experimenting brother.



edit: I'm such an idiot, my first instinct is that you wanted advice. you didn't want advice. you wanted a connection right? see as soon as I saw your comment I thought, 'oh hey, let me tell the guy to experiment with funny things'. for all I know you've tried all these things! I'm so sorry.

if only I could edit my comments in real life !

as far as the connection goes. my mind goes blank in that dept. I know for sure that the socially acceptable thing to do is to thank you. so thanks a ton.

share with me the things you try, ill share the things which I have tried. and we'll learn from each other.

 

[Tom]

Hi & Welcome

 

[mw2530]

I recently started experimenting with my tinder account. I changed my description, it now says that I love doing drugs, listening to music and being outdoors. It actually worked, I get attention now. I also stopped saying cute things and now I open with things like "I'm racist" and that works too !

View attachment 40514 View attachment 40515

The last one (Nicole) shows the girls number, so you know, for her privacy. But yeah, I feel you! stay strong bro. I cry a heck of a lot, because my progress is so damn slow!

but at least I'm making progress! which in real life, I never give myself credit for. (I don't want to come across as having confidence because I don't lol)

when I first got out of jail, in about 2-3 weeks I was going to hook up with someone, and I had my thing out and she was, you know, ready. and I wimped out! I actually wimped out of doing it. And it kinda traumatized me; that I was so scared. let me rephrase that. the fact that I was scared, has traumatized me.

what I want to say is. that theres this unwritten language which uses emotions, with is like impossible for me to understand, but I can kinda see that its there. I say just keep experimenting brother.



edit: I'm such an idiot, my first instinct is that you wanted advice. you didn't want advice. you wanted a connection right? see as soon as I saw your comment I thought, 'oh hey, let me tell the guy to experiment with funny things'. for all I know you've tried all these things! I'm so sorry.

if only I could edit my comments in real life !

as far as the connection goes. my mind goes blank in that dept. I know for sure that the socially acceptable thing to do is to thank you. so thanks a ton.

share with me the things you try, ill share the things which I have tried. and we'll learn from each other.

I wasn't necessarily looking for anything but to tell someone these painful struggles that I cannot really tell anyone i real life. The advice could help me some in the future. I haven't really experimented a whole lot to be honest or even tried much at all. I have major chronic insomnia issues so I generally feel like total **** every day. I have not slept deeply in over 3 years and that is not an exaggeration. By the end of the work day, I really don't have any energy to go out and put forth much effort in solving this loneliness problem I have. The insomnia problem needs to be solved before I can tackle the loneliness problem. But the loneliness problem also contributes to the insomnia problem. It is a vicious cycle.

 

[mellowriot]

hey then by all means, write away! it know it feels a heck of a lot better when my words fall upon someones ears as opposed to when I say them to no one, i.e. thinking out loud. I was actually thinking of starting a podcast / YT channel.. not sure if I'm ever going to get around to actually doing it because I talk about it so much and mainly do nothing. but, today I bought my camera. now I just have to build up the courage to actually get in front of it. that and get a tripod lol.

as far as experimenting goes. today I tried: "girl why don't we rob a bank together and give all the money to the homeless. haha" one girl thought it was funny and we started a conversation.. which, I don't know, I guess is an idea, I guess she thought is was funny. but overall I still suck a connecting myself lol but you you lose anything by trying I guess.