Sometimes its hard to act normal

[gallopingllama]

I have always been one to try and act as mainstream as possible when it comes to my approach to life while living with AS but its really difficult especially when your AS starts peeking out in your social interactions and people get annoyed, irritated and then start trolling you because they think you are rude, weird etc.

Usually when I detect that I have offended someone I will be like "If I did or said something you dislike I apologize" but then on the other hand people tell me I should just let people know I have AS and that they should be understanding at that point or otherwise are not worth my time.

The thing is I don't wan't to feel different so I rarely tell people I have AS because there have been times where people act like I'm mentally retarded if I identify as an Aspie they talk slower.... smile and try to soften up or "accommodate" me.

I guess I would just prefer to be understood then to be "accommodated" by the mainstream people.

 

[xrobertxdavisx]

Well me, i dont think I should act normal as I feel acting normal is lying. If people dont like me for who I am then screw them. Just be yourself if people arent happy with that then they are not worth it. I decided not to even tell my college or school or anyone that I am on the spectrum as I felt they would all judge me and treat me different. People sense im different and just think im naturally a bit weird. They dont know its to do with anything and dont plan telling them. If they asked which 1 person in class did I tell them the truth as I dont lie but I dont pretend to be "normal". I hate how I sometimes act but thats just me being me. It makes me who I am and wouldnt like to lie about who I am to anyone. People need to just accept you and if they arent just ignore them. Telling anyone you meet that you have AS is basicly forcing a label upon yourself.

 

[epath13]

I've been pretending ...ok trying to appear normal throughout my whole childhood till early 20s. I was exhausted, couldn't do it anymore. Eventually I decided to be me and lots of people could not accept it. Ok...what am I trying to say here... sorry out of sync today... Anyway I realized that I would just have to accept the fact that lots of people are not going to like me when they know me better, lots of people will never understand me and that's ok. I don't have to be accepted by everyone. There're people who accept me and appreciate what I have to give. I talked to a stranger about a month ago, just a regular mom, no experience with Autism and Aspergers. I told her that my son has ASD and I have Aspergers. She continued talking to me in the same way she did before. She only said that, it must be difficult to deal with things when you're on the spectrum and your son is on the spectrum, or something like that. And lots of people would wonder about that. I don't believe I have to tell everyone that I have Aspergers, but I can if I want to and if people react in a weird way, that's fine. Lots of people don't understand what it is. There's always a choice - stay and explain what it is, or end the conversation and leave, not a big deal. Even though, it can be difficult sometimes to deal with people who don't understand, I mean the ones who start acting weird. I can become quite aggressive and call them idiots )) but I know there's a better way to deal it... Another thing is, we may never be understood, instead I would just try to find something in common with others and go from there.... As for understanding... No one understood me so far, I'm not even sure if people on the spectrum can understand each other that well either

 

[Spinning Compass]

epath13, I understand what you are trying to say. I too am tired of "faking it" all the time, and I think it is taking a big toll on me. I have to put out so much energy trying to pass as normal that there are times when I just have nothing left. In many ways I have quit trying, I basically go to work and then I have a couple of organizations I belong to, but as far as socializing and doing "fun" things with others, I am like the old joke about the dollar bill and the 20 dollar bill. The 20 dollar bill goes out and has fun, does all kinds of interesting things, but for the dollar bill it's just "go to church, go to church, go to church." Oh well I have come to accept that there is nothing I can do about it. I live alone and will probably die that way too.

 

[Billi]

Everyone rises some very good points. I learned, somehow, to modify some of my behavior growing up. I had a few friends, and despite being bullied in school did OK till middle school. No one really knew anything about AS back then (1970s 80s) That was in some ways a good thing, since I did have to learn to "fit in" or as my mother often said, "At least try to fit in" Everyone knew I was weird, and smart. I read "Look Me in the Eye" and John Elder Robinson talks about learning human behavior as a child. I can't remember my thought processes like he does, but I do remember being very confused by peoples reactions to me sometimes. I did learn to try not to just say what I thought. People don't like that. I learned not to move or hold my body in weird ways, it made people uneasy. I learned all this stuff of how to monitor my behavior and how to pass OK for basic social interactions. On of the best things for me was I grew up in the Deep South (US) and manners were taught to children. Manners are a nice set of rules designed to show respect for others, and help us avoid conflicts in our day to day lives. I liked manners. They spelled out the expected social norm behaviors for me, gave me a clear set of rule to operate by.
Back to the discussion. Since I have learned about my ASD, I have let down my guard a little, especially around people I know better. No one knows, but I think one person or two has come to the realization that there is more to me than just being a little odd. Even all the "acting" I learned growing up can't make people think I'm "normal" for very long.
I can't undo the adaptive skills I learned to mask my ASD. Nor would I want to. If I did I would be constantly offensive, as I would tell everyone exactly what I think with no concern for their feelings or ego. I would never socialize because I wouldn't want to put myself in situations that required social skills or having to tolerate sensory events that bother me (still a huge challenge sometimes). Then I would not be able to share my interest with NT people at group events like I do now. Without some self control my occasional meltdowns would be nearly constant given the day to day crap I deal with at work etc... My boss has warned me he would not tolerate another outburst of my temper at him. So I could definitely lose my job, then my house, etc...
So Yes I make a lot of effort to "fit-in" to relate to my fellow humans in a way that they can understand, and it does take a lot out of me sometimes. There are plenty of NTs who could use some work on social skills as well, so aspies are not alone in that. NTs had to learn social skills growing up too, they just had the advantage of being able to do it using the nonverbal cues and intuition I lack. I rarely ever feel like I'm "acting" I'm just behaving the way society expects me to. I work hard to better myself. I'm not trying to cover anything up. I'm just trying to polish what is there so that others can appreciate it. I have a lot to give, some people get that, and much to my amazement want me around, some folks don't, and that's OK. But if I don't try, I will never know, and the gifts and talents and knowledge I have will sit idle. And what ever I don't use and apply in the real world will wither and die. I do not like being alone all the time, I like interacting with people, even though I'm not a natural at it. I can grow as a person, even at 43 I am learning all the time. My ASD gives me certain strengths, and means there are some things that I find hard to do, but it is not who I am.

 

[Ylva]

If someone talks slowly to me I almost immediately lose interest, so that's a lose/lose-situation.

NLP has some pretty good techniques for relating to people, by mirroring them and such. I try to make it subtle, which is difficult enough for someone as literal-minded as me. I would object to wearing a mask in public… but then, everyone else wears a mask, too, so I can't really complain. I try to find masks that I am comfortable with, that are as close to who I really am as possible.

Autism is a loaded word, though. For my part I'd rather make a joke about how slow I am, than give anyone who is not a trained psychologist a chance to label me.

 

[King_Oni]

I always find "normal" do be such a hard word in a sense. What's normal? If it's acting the way other people act... I'm quite sure I can spot subtle differences between everyone and that makes the notion of normal even harder.

I prefer to stick with "act the way I feel most comfortable". Yes, this might pose a problem but at least I feel fine and comfortable about myself. I don't believe in pushing myself in a direction that causes even more problems... and for what? For the comfort of others. call me egotistical, but I prefer to put my own comfort above others.

 

[csanon]

Seconding the comments from Billi, I too have made a decision to "join the world" to a certain degree, since to some extent I enjoy interacting with others. However, I found that you get away with being blunt if:

1) You can gauge when talking to a person whether or not they can handle it (takes practice) and

2) Say upfront something like "Don't mind me, I'm just being blunt" or "I tell it like it is" either immediately before or after you say something that could be interpreted as offensive. That way, they still may find it abrasive, but at least it shows you are aware of what you say and how it affects others.

 

[Aalo]

For me it's impossible to act in conventional normal ways, I won't even bother trying. Only think I'll try force/negotiate myself to is to be really unnoticeable, so that my eccentric ways won't draw too much attention. Not that I'd particularly be ashamed about how I'm, but I just don't crave for being noticed at all.

Besides, it's my observation that not all NT's either act so smoothly that there'd be any need to feel bad about oneself. Might they have no reason in particular, a mental issue or maybe a visceral disease, they're hardly making excuses about it, and I think it's good. People are allowed to have their privacy. There would be no progress if everyone just felt sorry all of the time. In my opinion everyone could learn to pass clumsiness of others and concentrate on doing things that really benefit them.

 

[psu2012]

Iam the exact same way, often my go to method of mainstreaming id just being funny, because if it shows it can just be part of the humor. I almost never admit it to anyone because I dont want to be judged by something I have no control over, or seen as different. Sometimes I offend people and have to apologize which is tough because often I dont know what I did wrong. As far as telling people, I dont think that always helps, I dated a girl for 2.5 years and looking back a lot of our problems may have come from the AS. We would fight, and I would want space, she would get upset, and I had a hard time knowing how to comfort her so even though I did care it did not come off that way, I wouldnt know how to express my feelings, and she would think I was cold. I tried to explain to her about AS, but I dont know if its just well know or seems like some made up "disease" for awkward people, the same way people think of ADHD is made up for hyper children. Basically my point is, even though I opened up to her about it, the problems were still there and we have to find ways of dealing with people. My best advice would be to find people with thick skin who can tolerate a few unintentional jabs. I think its hard for people to understand what they never experience, and while education helps they can never identify.

 

[DreamEagle]

Throughout all my life, I've been taught to "act normal". I believe that I can "act normal" to a certain degree, but there can be times that even I slip without even intending to because that's just my nature I guess. Over time, I feel that NT people eventually catch on that I can be weird or strange and thus that results in me losing friends or hanging out with people one time and that's it. It can be hard to "fit in", but lately I feel that "fitting in" is impossible and I've been caring less about it because people eventually think something is wrong with me anyway and thus I won't have to worry about those people for long. As long as you can be yourself, then that would be a better life to live.

 

[J. Ann]

That's EXACTLY how I feel, too. People are "friendly" (like how you described) to me, when talking to my face, and talk about me behind my back. I always ask myself: "Why can't I just be normal?". I think if people knew more about Asperger's Syndrome, they would understand Aspies better. But, for me, it seems like they would actually have to "walk in my shoes" to understand.

 

[Ylva]

I think of all people as broken. If I happen upon someone who is relatively mature, I rejoice, but for the most part I am content with the company of the sanest person I know: me.

My dog is also pretty all right.

 

[SUM1]

I never TRY to act "normal". I act the way I am, because it is, after all, who I am.

 

[SUM1]

But, for me, it seems like they would actually have to "walk in my shoes" to understand.

THAT'S EXACTLY how I feel like too!! It's the fact I've been trying to enforce into my parents' brains!

 

[King_Oni]

I never TRY to act "normal". I act the way I am, because it is, after all, who I am.

This is exactly the problem I have...

On the one hand, my behaviour is normal to me. And thus requiring me to act normal to someone elses' standard would mean that I would have to act totally out of my way. Give my my academy award already.

Realistically; I think you can steer people towards some kind of behaviour through therapy, but you can't "remove" it all... so that opens a new discussion how much of someones behaviour is the problem. Quite often therapy doesn't help enough since it just changes it a bit around, while people want "us" to do a full 180.