Son and Sports

[Texter]

My son is high functioning high school freshman but has problems with being teased. Long story short he gets very angry or shuts down when teased. For example, he was taking a trombone lesson, the tutor made a joke and my son smashed the trombone.

He attends speech classes and they seem to help some, but he feels like an outsider when he doesn’t have a friend in a group.

He has played baseball since he was a little kid and is pretty good. It isn’t easy to get him to practice but he has fun once he is practicing and will stay late and goof around if he has a friend that is staying late. However, most of his baseball friends go to a different school so when it came time to tryout, he said no. The head coach basically begged him to tryout, and he said no.

I don’t want him to quit doing what he likes but cannot force him to play and am looking for any advice to convince him that baseball has been good for him.

 

[1ForAll]

Although I can certainly understand that as I played baseball on sports teams from age eight to seventeen, and was pretty good thus too, I had no friends on the team, as I was too shy, anxious and different otherwise. The motivation for playing sports for me was because I had fun hitting and catching, being my best there, and in helping the team. For team sports, it should not be about how many friends one has there, needing external motivation, but having fun doing what you enjoy, following the rules there, supporting the team as a whole, practicing and playing hard, and competing with other teams to bring out your best efforts.

Those who are most successful as can be in sports are often very self-motivated and driven, and not needing others or lots of support to get the best out of them. Often adversity drives these people, and critiques and rejection are fuel for them. Maybe your son just does not have that stress tolerance or motivation to play baseball if he feels alone there. I suppose the coach could act as his friend to him there, and tell your son you will be his biggest friend and supporter too during these practices and games.. Maybe his friends at the other school could watch like a video of some of his practices and games too, if they cannot be there.

 

[Outdated]

I always hated team sports. I was always very active and did a lot of things but only played on a team once when I was 12 and never wanted to do so again.

Part of it is the social aspect of being autistic in a large social group. The other part was the compulsory doing the same thing every weekend. I was always very spontaneous and I did whatever I felt like at the time, long bike rides, swimming, surfing, hiking.

Occasionally some of us would get together and play a game of cricket or similar but never on a regular basis. Three of us played golf regularly for a few years and I really enjoyed that, just a small group playing against ourselves. We never got any club membership, we'd just show up as guest players most weekends.

None of us owned our own clubs, just rentals on the day. And halfway around the course small boys would climb up out of the creek and sell you cheap golf balls that they'd hunted for. We weren't part of any club and were only beholden to ourselves, we went when and if we felt like it and we just wore whatever clothes we had on at the time instead of dressing up like a ponce.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

My son is high functioning high school freshman but has problems with being teased. Long story short he gets very angry or shuts down when teased. For example, he was taking a trombone lesson, the tutor made a joke and my son smashed the trombone.

He attends speech classes and they seem to help some, but he feels like an outsider when he doesn’t have a friend in a group.

He has played baseball since he was a little kid and is pretty good. It isn’t easy to get him to practice but he has fun once he is practicing and will stay late and goof around if he has a friend that is staying late. However, most of his baseball friends go to a different school so when it came time to tryout, he said no. The head coach basically begged him to tryout, and he said no.

I don’t want him to quit doing what he likes but cannot force him to play and am looking for any advice to convince him that baseball has been good for him.

Does he enjoy personal, lifetime, sports? Things like canoeing, cycling, tennis, skiing, and more? There are groups that have outings and/or instruction. At 72, I am the second youngest in my bike club. In winter we hike, snowshoe or ski. Tomorrow we are hiking at a perched dune area, with the dunes at 300 feet above Lake Michigan.

 

[Texter]

Does he enjoy personal, lifetime, sports? Things like canoeing, cycling, tennis, skiing, and more? There are groups that have outings and/or instruction. At 72, I am the second youngest in my bike club. In winter we hike, snowshoe or ski. Tomorrow we are hiking at a perched dune area, with the dunes at 300 feet above Lake Michigan.

he enjoys most sports, he is thinking about joining the chess club, and he does like tennis, archery etc…but only does those things with me.

 

[Owliet]

For example, he was taking a trombone lesson, the tutor made a joke and my son smashed the trombone.

Depending on the context of the joke, a lot of them can seem to be negative and taken as something negative.

However, most of his baseball friends go to a different school so when it came time to tryout, he said no.

Why? There’s always a reason for this — did you ask him?

he is thinking about joining the chess club, and he does like tennis, archery etc…but only does those things with me.

Joining a chess club is a good idea. it is obviously something that is also social (even if it is not as highly demanding as it is for baseball). tennis and archery are also social but if he’s only doing those things with you, then dont worry about it. Maybe he could join a tennis group but some of them focus on being social or competitive and not everyone likes that — I used to play tennis. I didnt really like the social group atmosphere because it was often focused and I was often left feeling like an outsider. Competitive games, I was not competitive Enough because I didn’t see the point in playing that way. Maybe your son is the same with baseball?

 

[Texter]

We have asked why he doesn’t want to play, he says it’s no fun. However, he said he would play on the team with his old team mates. He also said part of the reason was that some of the kids on the team are jerks.

 

[Darkkin]

We have asked why he doesn’t want to play, he says it’s no fun. However, he said he would play on the team with his old team mates. He also said part of the reason was that some of the kids on the team are jerks.

If he is involved with other activities, even if they are with family, respecting his request is the most beneficial solution. Forcing socialization in the confines of a team sport can be truly awful and in some cases traumatizing.

Something that a lot of parents often don't realize they're doing is overscheduling their kids because they want them well rounded. In theory this is great, but it can be physically and mentally exhausting for ASDers. And going into high school with increased homework and academic pressure letting something go can help.

This impacts him directly, physically and mentally, his is the voice that matters and as a high schooler he has a right to decide what activities he wants to be in.

Compromising on a point like this can make a world of difference in the overall happiness of the ASDer. It shows not only that you, as a parent, are listening, but also that you respect a reasonable boundary he clarified. That matters.

While it might seem disappointing in the immediate future, it may be beneficial to everyone in the long term. High school is tough, even more so with ASD, adding a forced social interaction with people you don't like makes it just that much worse.

He sounds like a good kid who knows his own mind. Do the hard thing and trust him. Let him step away from it for a while.

As a kid, my Mom didn't force us to do sports. My brother and I swam because we wanted to. It was an awesome experience, but a major factor in the enjoyment was the fact that I liked my teammates. They were my friends.

Outside of that I was involved with my dogs, 4-H, biking, and hiking. Largely solitary pursuits, but it kept me active. My mom respected my decisions on these things and as a teenager that respect mattered, a lot. Still does. And there are few people whose opinion matters as much to me as my mom's because I respect her. That trust and respect started with boundaries like this.

Looking for a rounded perspective is also a very smart thing to do. That is something not all parents would take the time to do. You reached out and are making an effort to understand your son's perspective...that is a prime example of parenting done right.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

My son is high functioning high school freshman but has problems with being teased. Long story short he gets very angry or shuts down when teased. For example, he was taking a trombone lesson, the tutor made a joke and my son smashed the trombone.

He attends speech classes and they seem to help some, but he feels like an outsider when he doesn’t have a friend in a group.

He has played baseball since he was a little kid and is pretty good. It isn’t easy to get him to practice but he has fun once he is practicing and will stay late and goof around if he has a friend that is staying late. However, most of his baseball friends go to a different school so when it came time to tryout, he said no. The head coach basically begged him to tryout, and he said no.

I don’t want him to quit doing what he likes but cannot force him to play and am looking for any advice to convince him that baseball has been good for him.

That's a rough age for anyone, autistic or not. If you think "band nerd" jokes are bad, "athlete" jokes are 10X, absolutely brutal. I am 56, way past my prime, but I was on baseball teams from the age of 9 to 13, football from 14 to 22, track 12 to 18, weightlifting 12 to 52, but actually competed at the national level in powerlifting from 30 to 40.

He's at the age where he's in between being a child and a man. He's trying to sort out where he lies in the "pecking order". Self-esteem, pride, embarrassment, depression, anxiety, anger, are very fragile. Then throw in rising testosterone levels and the tendency to lash out in rage. Good Lord, I can remember lying in bed every night in high school, hormones out of control, I could feel my muscles growing, night sweats, couldn't sleep, mind racing. That went on for a good 3-4 years. I really got into weight lifting when I was 12, but in my case, in retrospect, it really helped me control those rage episodes as I could channel that energy into the weights, and not into another person. Weight lifting creates a release of "feel good" hormones called endorphins, and then I was hooked. I had to have an endorphin fix all the time, but it also helped with serotonin and dopamine, and frankly helped me mentally. It quickly became a special interest of mine that lasted for decades. Furthermore, I was the strongest kid in school by the time I was 16, and that matters a lot when you're an insecure kid. I had NO bullies. NO ONE teased me. I didn't have to fight, because NO ONE dared. Well, when you're an insecure kid, not having to deal with bullies certainly helped and I had all the confidence in the world. Frankly, just walking around, people being physically intimidated by your presence, it is a double-edged sword, but NO ONE is going to give you any grief.

So, I understand that not everyone is into weightlifting and personal fitness, but in my experience, as an autistic, it helped me tremendously.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

...but has problems with being teased. Long story short he gets very angry or shuts down when teased. For example, he was taking a trombone lesson, the tutor made a joke and my son smashed the trombone.

If you have identified the problem, why not working on solving it?

Your son may need some therapy to explore that teasing issues. It may be a trauma.

Autism is said to be an invisible discapacity, dealing with teasing/jokes that we cant understand not defend from is very difficult. There is no apropiate response to being teased. Violence may be over reacting, ignore may lead to more teasing, teasing back may be impossible if we lack understanding. Most of us do need some good friend to help us navigate those situations.

 

[Kirsty]

Does he enjoy personal, lifetime, sports? Things like canoeing, cycling, tennis, skiing, and more? There are groups that have outings and/or instruction. At 72, I am the second youngest in my bike club. In winter we hike, snowshoe or ski. Tomorrow we are hiking at a perched dune area, with the dunes at 300 feet above Lake Michigan.

Good on ya. There’s the saying if you don’t use it you lose it so make the most of your health. Sounds very inspirational.