Spouse Abuse

[gilstamp]

This may be controversial, but I would like some views on what I should do. If this is too heavy, don't read it. First of all, I am male, was an only child and grew up with a stepfather who was brutal and intimidating. I had the misfortune to marry a woman whose way of relating is the same as his was. I have been married for forty years. Because I was used to chronic suffering, I waited all that time for things to improve. When I was diagnosed with AS two years ago, I thought that the explanation for some of my difficulties would result in a happier life. Things have progressively become worse. Instead of just verbal abuse and prodding my anxiety triggers, she instigates more intense and physical altercations.

We have just built a large new house of our own design. A large amount of my belongings which represent my life's work and interests is contained in it. I cannot just leave. I do not know how to obtain assistance to ameliorate the situation.

We have been to psychologists and marriage counsellors and asperger counsellors, to no avail.

 

[King_Oni]

Hi,

Halfway reading it I already thought "leave her", but then you mentioned the situation with the house and all.

I'm not sure, and especially not, since I don't know where you're from internationally, but I think a lot of countries have some kind of way to report this and handle this even if it's somewhat anonymous (eg. not by a visit to your house). Best bet is to look there. Also; when looking for support groups that can aid you there, you might want to give a rough indication of where you're from. From what I understand in the US all states have different services and places to go to, much unlike a small country like The Netherlands, where I'm from.

What did those marriage counselors say? "Oh... this is normal, just put up with this"? Can't imagine they'd be like "get over it". Clearly your wife knows which buttons to push to rile you up apparently. This can eventually lead to more severe issues and domestic violence from either you or her part and as such I think at some point there should be some intervention going on. And even more so because she, according to you, does it on purpose (since I feel that abuse and intimidation aren't accidental behaviour) and you sought help for it already.

Can't be of more help than this unfortunately

 

[Mike_GX1]

Ultimately what is happening is domestic abuse - go to the Authorities about it. You have the power to turn things around.

Mike

 

[RubenX]

As a 3 time divorcee I had it with crazy abusive women. You have to take it one step at a time. Forget about the material and financial consequences for a second and just think about one simple question:

Do you want out?

Yes or no. No "but"s.

 

[Loomis]

I am divorcing my wife of 22 years. I will incur significant financial loss. I will survive my loss and I am free of a destructive situation.

I do not claim innocence and although my wife was abusive we stood toe to toe and occasionally I provoked her to try and show her how reactive she was; this always failed because one of her flaws is an unwillingness to take responsibility for her behavior. For about 15 years we remained in love. For various reasons our love decayed beginning about 7 years ago.

My wife is an angry, vain woman with unreasonable expectations. Part of me enjoyed her angry reactivity. I believe it was aspie recognition and response to an emotion I could understand.

This was my wife's third marriage and I believe few men could stay in love with her as long as I did. Coexisting with her many flaws are some fine outstanding good qualities. Most notable: she was an excellent mother and sacrificed much to insure our aspie son received all the training and support he needed. He is in the best possible condition he could achieve because of her self-sacrifice. I will always be grateful to her for how she enabled my son to become his best. Her good qualities blinded me to an abuse I ignored and endured for the last four years. While I always responded to her direct attacks I failed to see she was undermining my relationship with my son. She took his side in arguments I had with him and he learned he could go to her when I disciplined him and she would support him against me. Ultimately he became disrespectful to me. I was slow to recognize this but it ultimately, along with some other stuff, destroyed our marriage.

Do what you need to do and ignore financial effects. You cannot control the ultimate outcome. Leave if your self-respect and dignity are in danger. I no longer worry about loss and I do not miss my wife one bit.

I take comfort in stoic philosophy: "The only things that are good are the characteristic excellence or virtues of human beings: prudence or wisdom, justice, courage and moderation, and other related qualities. ...that only what is noble or fine or morally good is good at all, and that the possession (and exercise) of the virtues is both necessary and sufficient for happiness." Stoicism (Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy)

"Seneca and Epictetus, emphasized that because "virtue is sufficient for happiness", a sage was immune to misfortune...A Stoic of virtue would amend his will to suit the world and remain, in the words of Epictetus, "sick and yet happy, in peril and yet happy, dying and yet happy, in exile and happy, in disgrace and happy," thus positing a "completely autonomous" individual will..." Stoicism - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

[RubenX]

I'm gonna applaud Loomis on everything he said, especially this 2 parts:

"I do not claim innocence"
This is important. I don't claim innocence either. In the end is not about who is right and who is wrong. Is about taking the decision of ending a relationship you no longer want to be a part of.

"I believe few men could stay in love with her as long as I did"
This is also true for me in the case of my kid's mother. I highly doubt any men could live at that woman's side for 16 years without bailing out. By staying as long as I did I can honestly say that I tried everything that could possibly be done and nothing worked. Nobody can say I'm a quitter. Nobody can say there was a lack of effort on my part.