Okay yeah, that's an odd title, but bear with me for a moment.
I've had a lot of changes this year, and a lot of realizations. Yet still, so much has been... slow. Progress on important things has been slow. Frequently, I'd be feeling rather drained. But why? I wasnt so sure. I had a lot of possible ideas for reasons come up, but mostly, I just couldnt quite grasp it. It was constant, and I knew that a change needed to be made. Something DIFFERENT.
I've mentioned a few times in recent months the concept of a "digital detox"... dropping the screens and such and getting away from them for a few days. It has been an experiment, you could say. But I've done more than that which I hadnt really talked about until now.
I had thought, for ages now, that I was avoiding all sorts of trouble by simply avoiding social media. I've mentioned that often. But I realized it's not that simple. Like, you can stop USING Twitter and whatnot... but it will still hit you, over and over and over, though you may not quite realize it. Frequently, for instance, I'd still see tweets. I dont USE Twitter... but the effects of Twitter are reflected at me through others. Other sites, other people, other whatever. Facebook? Again, dont use it. But the effects hit me regardless, and it took a long time to realize this.
There's a line I often like to use, and some of you have heard this from me more than once: "Until you make a change, nothing will change". Bloody stupid, really, that I'd give that advice so often and yet not truly follow it myself. The "detox" idea isnt REALLY making a change, when I do it. It's just taking a break... nothing more.
And I realized something: it's the internet, and tech overload in general, that is doing it, continuously. I started to think of it like this vampire that just hangs around and bites me every day, draining me until it was just hard to move. I wouldnt fight back though, because that meant making a serious change, which I tend to resist.
So, recently, I decided it was time to try a major experiment. I would go further with the "detox" idea, but in a slightly different format, so to speak. It was time to grab a stake and like, I dunno, a vial of holy water or something, and take out that vampire.
Firstly, a change to how I use Youtube. Now, Youtube is only allowed in two situations: 1, while I'm having a meal... I need something to watch while eating, lest I go insane... and 2, if I'm using it specifically to learn something practical. Tutorials, in other words. But they must be things I'm actually DOING, not just clicking them out of curiosity. And also, content. Dont click anything with OMG SURPRISING thumbnails, or anything that could be called "angry". I like gaming & horror content, and watching goofy videos of like, cats falling off of stuff or something. Those things are allowed. Nothing else. I realized that I'd been spending way, way, WAY more time on Youtube than I'd thought. How did it get so bad without me even noticing?
And also... the rest of the internet. 80 tabs. 80 open tabs. When did that happen? Some of them were Reddit tabs, for crying out loud. I dont even have an account. But I'd still gotten sucked into reading about stupid things. No more of that, that all has to go. The only forum-like thing from now on is this one, and even this place, I'll be checking less often. Most things on the internet that I would click on, read, whatever, were unnecessary. Social media, it turns out, isnt the only thing that gets you "scrolling". Granted there wasnt much ACTUAL scrolling, but there may as well have been.
It all has to go. No more.
Even something like, say, reading reviews for stuff. I realized just how deep those fangs had gotten in me. A lot of things I was using or not using was dictated by what others told me were good or bad. And why? Because on the internet, that's the norm. What happened to trying things out for myself? Heck, even the freaking browser here. I used Chrome for ages, because "that's the good one", says the internet. I hated Chrome. Always had. Bloated slow irritating thing... but the internet says it's the one to use, it's the best, so that's just the browsing experience, I thought. Ya know what I use now? Edge. I cant even believe I"m saying that, go back 5 years and the very idea would make me cringe. But I decided to just TRY it. Give it a week, experiment for myself, and come to my own conclusions for once. I uninstalled Chrome after just a couple of days. I had put up with a thing I freaking HATED for so long because of what others said, and avoided something I now like for the same blasted reason. It goes way further than a mere browser, of course. It's just one example. My view of pretty much everything was affected by what I'd always viewed as a bastion of lies and trouble. When did I let that happen? No matter; it needs to go.
The one giant exception to all of this is Steam, because Steam has always been a very consistent and reliable POSITIVE thing. I dont have bad or stressful experiences there, and the "engagement" aspect of it is just... talking to friends in direct one-on-one conversation (and I'm very limited in how often I'll do that, because communication). Other than that, it's merely the client app that handles my gaming library, and the vendor used for the same. And I realized, that's why it's such a positive: It's entirely unintrusive and it doesnt for a second try to get me to engage with idiocy. There's no addiction factor, because there's nothing to get addicted to. It cant get me agitated, because what would it use to do that? Patch notes? Hah. 'Tis merely the interaction method of my main hobby. Though, even that hobby, I've toned down a good bit. That needed a bit of a change too. Diversity of activities, I decided that was important too. Not just less internet... less computer and consoles and such too.
I dont watch TV at all, because commercials, but if I did, I'd have entirely dumped that, too.
All of this stuff and more has been a recent "trial" experience. Over the last month or so, I'd say. I made the rules, and I freaking stuck with them. I needed to see what'd happen.
Ya know what I did today? I organized my entire board game collection. ALL of it. In one day. One session. I organized the contents of the games too, and condensed things, removing unnecessary boxes (if you've engaged with that hobby at all... you know what I mean). Me organizing ANYTHING is absurd enough, but it's more than that. I'm finally making real progress with the whole gender thing, I'm exercising more, I'm interacting with family more, and I'm in so much less pain. I truly hadnt expected that last part. I did all that stuff earlier today, after a week of constant Doing of Things, and I dont feel like falling over! When... when was I last able to say that? I think it's been a very, very long time.
I have ENERGY now. And everything feels better. And it's been consistent. Even when other challenges present themselves, I can deal with them better, because I'm in such a better state. And I'm just constantly DOING things. I havent had those periods of just zoned out staring at Youtube or whatever. I dont remember the last time I was this active.
For all my talk about issues related to the Net... social media and the news and blah blah blah... I never REALLY took a hard look at everything as a whole. Didnt understand, because I wouldnt let myself. That vampire wouldnt let me go. But after finally driving a stake through its heart, I finally see just how bad the damage had been.
If you're wondering why I'm ranting about all this, it's for a pretty simple reason: to encourage others to try the same. I really do think this is a very, very important lesson. And if any of this helps even one person make a true positive change in their life, then it's worth writing out and sharing. There's a catch though: for this to work, you cannot relent. You cant get lazy with it, you cant be like "well maybe just a quick look at Reddit wouldnt hurt" or whatever. None of that. You make the rules and then you freaking stick to them. Also this isnt just about basic internet, TV counts too, because it drains via many of the same methods.
There's a phrase I've heard a few times recently: "everyone is so connected these days, yet more lonely than ever". All of this is that, too. As much as I love tech in general... we arent built for this. I wish I could have realized this sooner. But I've realized it now, and I refuse to beat myself up for the past. Instead, learn from it.
Also, I gotta say, I'm gonna be on here less often. Well, I already have been, my posting frequency has gone down, and I'm not checking the forum nearly as often (though the tab has been sitting open all the time). If anyone should message me and it seems I'm slow on the response, or whatever, that's why.
That's enough out of me for now. Enough of a single post, and just enough typing in general for awhile. For once I dont feel like I need to go find other things to type about. I accomplished something today... that organizing task was a big deal for many reasons. And ya know what, I'm gonna accomplish other stuff over this next week. I'm not sure just what yet, but it'll be something. And I cant be sitting here to do that. I wont regress back to... that.
I'll see y'all later.
I've had a lot of changes this year, and a lot of realizations. Yet still, so much has been... slow. Progress on important things has been slow. Frequently, I'd be feeling rather drained. But why? I wasnt so sure. I had a lot of possible ideas for reasons come up, but mostly, I just couldnt quite grasp it. It was constant, and I knew that a change needed to be made. Something DIFFERENT.
I've mentioned a few times in recent months the concept of a "digital detox"... dropping the screens and such and getting away from them for a few days. It has been an experiment, you could say. But I've done more than that which I hadnt really talked about until now.
I had thought, for ages now, that I was avoiding all sorts of trouble by simply avoiding social media. I've mentioned that often. But I realized it's not that simple. Like, you can stop USING Twitter and whatnot... but it will still hit you, over and over and over, though you may not quite realize it. Frequently, for instance, I'd still see tweets. I dont USE Twitter... but the effects of Twitter are reflected at me through others. Other sites, other people, other whatever. Facebook? Again, dont use it. But the effects hit me regardless, and it took a long time to realize this.
There's a line I often like to use, and some of you have heard this from me more than once: "Until you make a change, nothing will change". Bloody stupid, really, that I'd give that advice so often and yet not truly follow it myself. The "detox" idea isnt REALLY making a change, when I do it. It's just taking a break... nothing more.
And I realized something: it's the internet, and tech overload in general, that is doing it, continuously. I started to think of it like this vampire that just hangs around and bites me every day, draining me until it was just hard to move. I wouldnt fight back though, because that meant making a serious change, which I tend to resist.
So, recently, I decided it was time to try a major experiment. I would go further with the "detox" idea, but in a slightly different format, so to speak. It was time to grab a stake and like, I dunno, a vial of holy water or something, and take out that vampire.
Firstly, a change to how I use Youtube. Now, Youtube is only allowed in two situations: 1, while I'm having a meal... I need something to watch while eating, lest I go insane... and 2, if I'm using it specifically to learn something practical. Tutorials, in other words. But they must be things I'm actually DOING, not just clicking them out of curiosity. And also, content. Dont click anything with OMG SURPRISING thumbnails, or anything that could be called "angry". I like gaming & horror content, and watching goofy videos of like, cats falling off of stuff or something. Those things are allowed. Nothing else. I realized that I'd been spending way, way, WAY more time on Youtube than I'd thought. How did it get so bad without me even noticing?
And also... the rest of the internet. 80 tabs. 80 open tabs. When did that happen? Some of them were Reddit tabs, for crying out loud. I dont even have an account. But I'd still gotten sucked into reading about stupid things. No more of that, that all has to go. The only forum-like thing from now on is this one, and even this place, I'll be checking less often. Most things on the internet that I would click on, read, whatever, were unnecessary. Social media, it turns out, isnt the only thing that gets you "scrolling". Granted there wasnt much ACTUAL scrolling, but there may as well have been.
It all has to go. No more.
Even something like, say, reading reviews for stuff. I realized just how deep those fangs had gotten in me. A lot of things I was using or not using was dictated by what others told me were good or bad. And why? Because on the internet, that's the norm. What happened to trying things out for myself? Heck, even the freaking browser here. I used Chrome for ages, because "that's the good one", says the internet. I hated Chrome. Always had. Bloated slow irritating thing... but the internet says it's the one to use, it's the best, so that's just the browsing experience, I thought. Ya know what I use now? Edge. I cant even believe I"m saying that, go back 5 years and the very idea would make me cringe. But I decided to just TRY it. Give it a week, experiment for myself, and come to my own conclusions for once. I uninstalled Chrome after just a couple of days. I had put up with a thing I freaking HATED for so long because of what others said, and avoided something I now like for the same blasted reason. It goes way further than a mere browser, of course. It's just one example. My view of pretty much everything was affected by what I'd always viewed as a bastion of lies and trouble. When did I let that happen? No matter; it needs to go.
The one giant exception to all of this is Steam, because Steam has always been a very consistent and reliable POSITIVE thing. I dont have bad or stressful experiences there, and the "engagement" aspect of it is just... talking to friends in direct one-on-one conversation (and I'm very limited in how often I'll do that, because communication). Other than that, it's merely the client app that handles my gaming library, and the vendor used for the same. And I realized, that's why it's such a positive: It's entirely unintrusive and it doesnt for a second try to get me to engage with idiocy. There's no addiction factor, because there's nothing to get addicted to. It cant get me agitated, because what would it use to do that? Patch notes? Hah. 'Tis merely the interaction method of my main hobby. Though, even that hobby, I've toned down a good bit. That needed a bit of a change too. Diversity of activities, I decided that was important too. Not just less internet... less computer and consoles and such too.
I dont watch TV at all, because commercials, but if I did, I'd have entirely dumped that, too.
All of this stuff and more has been a recent "trial" experience. Over the last month or so, I'd say. I made the rules, and I freaking stuck with them. I needed to see what'd happen.
Ya know what I did today? I organized my entire board game collection. ALL of it. In one day. One session. I organized the contents of the games too, and condensed things, removing unnecessary boxes (if you've engaged with that hobby at all... you know what I mean). Me organizing ANYTHING is absurd enough, but it's more than that. I'm finally making real progress with the whole gender thing, I'm exercising more, I'm interacting with family more, and I'm in so much less pain. I truly hadnt expected that last part. I did all that stuff earlier today, after a week of constant Doing of Things, and I dont feel like falling over! When... when was I last able to say that? I think it's been a very, very long time.
I have ENERGY now. And everything feels better. And it's been consistent. Even when other challenges present themselves, I can deal with them better, because I'm in such a better state. And I'm just constantly DOING things. I havent had those periods of just zoned out staring at Youtube or whatever. I dont remember the last time I was this active.
For all my talk about issues related to the Net... social media and the news and blah blah blah... I never REALLY took a hard look at everything as a whole. Didnt understand, because I wouldnt let myself. That vampire wouldnt let me go. But after finally driving a stake through its heart, I finally see just how bad the damage had been.
If you're wondering why I'm ranting about all this, it's for a pretty simple reason: to encourage others to try the same. I really do think this is a very, very important lesson. And if any of this helps even one person make a true positive change in their life, then it's worth writing out and sharing. There's a catch though: for this to work, you cannot relent. You cant get lazy with it, you cant be like "well maybe just a quick look at Reddit wouldnt hurt" or whatever. None of that. You make the rules and then you freaking stick to them. Also this isnt just about basic internet, TV counts too, because it drains via many of the same methods.
There's a phrase I've heard a few times recently: "everyone is so connected these days, yet more lonely than ever". All of this is that, too. As much as I love tech in general... we arent built for this. I wish I could have realized this sooner. But I've realized it now, and I refuse to beat myself up for the past. Instead, learn from it.
Also, I gotta say, I'm gonna be on here less often. Well, I already have been, my posting frequency has gone down, and I'm not checking the forum nearly as often (though the tab has been sitting open all the time). If anyone should message me and it seems I'm slow on the response, or whatever, that's why.
That's enough out of me for now. Enough of a single post, and just enough typing in general for awhile. For once I dont feel like I need to go find other things to type about. I accomplished something today... that organizing task was a big deal for many reasons. And ya know what, I'm gonna accomplish other stuff over this next week. I'm not sure just what yet, but it'll be something. And I cant be sitting here to do that. I wont regress back to... that.
I'll see y'all later.
