Stepdad trying to help daughter and save family

[jlg]

Hi my name is jeff listed as jlg. I have been married for 8 months and have been with my wife for 3 years. She has a daughter who is 15 and can be amazing to be with at times, however it can also be the most frustrating experience at other times. She is extremely smart though she does struggle with math but with help she can excel in that subject also. Except for math all her classes in school are either AP or honors classes. With that being said she shows almost no expression most of the time. My first experience taking her out before her mom and I were even engaged I took her shopping for school clothing by myself because her mother was out of town and was not going to have time to do this. So we went out and she picked out what she wanted and we had lunch. The whole time she expressed no emotion so I chalked it up to she was just nervous because we had never been out alone or she was just bored being with me. However the next day talking to her mother she expressed to me that her daughter said she had a really good time and she liked me. That was great but here we are three years later and it turns out her mother has just as hard a time reading her as I do. She has one friend who she is afraid to call or invite over. She is bothered by being spoken to although she will say she is ok. She has no idea what she wants but she knows what she does not want. She loves music so we have bought drums at her request and guitars, however she plays them sparingly instead playing video games all day. We try to get her to eat dinner with us but then she just sits there emotionless. While playing the games she becomes completely engrossed and any interruption is completely annoying. She also has expresses that times when she does not answer us sometimes it is simply because she did not feel like talking, and she says that like it is ok to just no answer. For the longest I just thought she was being an extreme teenager but it has to be more. She seems to have no concept of being thankful or appreciative. We give and give and she will at times take it and turn around with out a thank you or an acknowledgment of thanks. I could go on and on but i just feel like this has to be more than teenage angst. Its effecting me more than I let on. I try so hard but then there are days like today I just wanted to close my door and not be bothered. I can see this destroying my marriage because my wife sees these issues but she ignores them as her just being moody or quirky. This is not quirky. Am I wrong? Does any of this sound like AS?

 

[Crossbreed]

I am a child of divorce. Why is her dad no longer married to her mom? (I have more follow-up questions, but different ones depending the answer to this one.) Also, it's too early to consider an ASD as the source of her isolation or ingratitude.

 

[jlg]

I am a child of divorce. Why is her dad no longer married to her mom? (I have more follow-up questions, but different ones depending the answer to this one.) Also, it's too early to consider an ASD as the source of her isolation or ingratitude.

Her mom and dad divorced when she was she was only 4 it was not a good marriage in general. And there is so much more than just her isolation and ingratitude. That is just what I seemed to focus on in my intro.

 

[Crossbreed]

Divorce, generally, is very destabilizing for a child. If either parent was clearly at fault, there is the additional sense that that parent didn't love the child enough to improve themselves. Upheaval is an understatement.

That child becomes skeptical of a new, unrelated parent, no matter how amiable he is.* If a flesh & blood parent has no commitment, how does an unrelated person ever stand a chance...? If mom still has any divisive traits in your marriage that she had in her first marriage, daughter will instinctively be waiting for the other boot to drop.

*Be the best dad that you can be. Instruct her in (and demonstrate) gratitude and other traits that you would like to instill. If your marriage gets a track record of stability, she may very well start to settle into your new household.

 

[Tom]

Hi & Welcome,
It sounds like something is wrong with the girl's behavior, but that's not enough to go on as far as telling what it might be. Is it a condition, or emotional, personality, ???

However, this is a place to exercise extreme caution. She's a step daughter, not your natural daughter. In general it's a place only to be helpful and assist your wife/daughter in. Not a place to make demands, insist on things or try and take charge. The girl is her own person and should in time go out on her own.

 

[Elemental]

Welcome to Central jlg

 

[jlg]

Hello, and thank you for all your responses, I apologize for my delayed response. I fully understand the long term effects that a divorce can have on a child and as of this weekend I continue to see how her lack of a close relationship with her father continues to effect her . We do have a very good relationship for the most part and that is also very confusing for her. She really looks at me as dad for the most part but then she will pull back becasue it is almost that she feels herself getting to close to me and she does not want to replace her father. But i want to make it clear that this is very presumptive. You see me and my wife are judging that based on behavior not anything verbal at all. She is almost expressionless when it comes to her emotions. This weekend was extremely frustrating. She was rude, she was reclusive even to family who she normally enjoys being around. She just sits in front of the tv playing this game "seven days to live" as if it is her only goal in life to be successful at this game. If she does no thave this AS I just dont know what to do becasue despite her intelligence acedemically, for a 15 yr old she lacks basic understandings of behavior and responsibility. I could blame her mother for spoiling her, but when she was basically by herself for so many years I could not imagine what it was like for her. I can ask her over and over to do something and she will sit there as if she did not hear me, and when I fianlly raise my voice to a level that she cannot ignore she looks up as if its the first time she heard me. Then when i ask why didnt she respond she says cause I did nt feel like it. What the heck is that? And that is normal for her. We have been in a restaraunt and she refused to order for herself. When asked after the fact, she said she did not feel like talking. That is not normal teenage angst, is it? I will give more details later in the day as I have time but I will say this weekend was very frustrating.

 

[jlg]

Ok just to clarify a couple things. I am not hoping my child has AS, I simply think she does based on minimal research and online questionaires that indicated she could. I just do not want to get into the typical parent teenager standoffs when there could be more to this situation. Also I do have a teenage daughter who is 19 from my first marriage, and yes she is four yrs older, but using her and her friends as bench marks for teenage attitude and my teenage neice whom I am close to, my stepdaughter is not in the same realm. My sister also listened to my banter about her and she also replied that it sounded like typical teenage girl stuff. Then she spent the day with her and she came to me and said, she is such a sweet girl, but no, she is different. I guess my point is my stepdaughter is not my only frame of reference when it comes to teenage girls. MY wife will get defensive if I say I think there is a bigger issue which is why i am exhausting possibilities before discuss my thoughts with her.

 

[Vinca]

Some ideas

- if verbalising her thoughts is difficult/stressful for her, what about exploring other ways of communicating with her to ascertain whether it is all forms of communication or just verbal forms that are an issue eg you could try writing a question/instruction down on a piece of paper and giving it to her so she can give a written response.

-depression can sometimes cause a person to be less communicative

-there may be some books that have been specifically aimed at helping teenagers cope with/process having divorced parents that could help her.

-encouraging her to take up some form of creative pursuit could give her a means of expressing herself and help her to process her emotions.

- There are some books produced by The Curly Hair Project, which are easy, accessible reads about Asperger’s Syndrome and girls.

 

[jlg]

Some ideas

- if verbalising her thoughts is difficult/stressful for her, what about exploring other ways of communicating with her to ascertain whether it is all forms of communication or just verbal forms that are an issue eg you could try writing a question/instruction down on a piece of paper and giving it to her so she can give a written response.

-depression can sometimes cause a person to be less communicative

-there may be some books that have been specifically aimed at helping teenagers cope with/process having divorced parents that could help her.

-encouraging her to take up some form of creative pursuit could give her as a means of expressing herself and help her to process her emotions.

- There are some books produced by The Curly Hair Project, which are easy, accessible reads about Asperger’s Syndrome and girls.

I will check out "The Curly Hair Project", thanks. As for the creative pursuits, we try and encourage all interest. She loves the drums and has played them since she was 7 so we bought a set of drums which she begged for and sice we have gotten them they have sat unused. She likes guitar, so we bought her a new guitar to go with the other one she already had casue she "needed" a new acoustic guitar. It sits un used. She expressed interest in art and asked for an art kit, we bought her a kit with paints, pencils etc, everything she could need, and it too sits un unsed. She escapes (her word) into the video game and she stays there

 

[Vinca]

I will check out "The Curly Hair Project", thanks. As for the creative pursuits, we try and encourage all interest. She loves the drums and has played them since she was 7 so we bought a set of drums which she begged for and sice we have gotten them they have sat unused. She likes guitar, so we bought her a new guitar to go with the other one she already had casue she "needed" a new acoustic guitar. It sits un used. She expressed interest in art and asked for an art kit, we bought her a kit with paints, pencils etc, everything she could need, and it too sits un unsed. She escapes (her word) into the video game and she stays there

It sounds as though you are committed to doing everything you can to help her

It seems as though the lack of communication from her is the main problem, because it makes knowing what is causing her to behave the way she does, difficult, and therefore leaves you unsure about how to address any negative behaviour. But, also the lack of positive feedback is frustrating too, because you can't tell when an interaction has gone well, and you are giving, but there's no return response. Is that right?

 

[jlg]

It sounds as though you are committed to doing everything you can to help her

It seems as though the lack of communication from her is the main problem, because it makes knowing what is causing her to behave the way she does, difficult, and therefore leaves you unsure about how to address any negative behaviour. But, also the lack of positive feedback is frustrating too, because you can't tell when an interaction has gone well, and you are giving, but there's no return response. Is that right?

communication is a huge issue with everything from how was your day, to why do you seem mad or angry down to what do you want to eat which is a huge issue in the house. She was raised with many food allergies and now although there is a great deal she can eat she only wants to eat certain things from certain places, or if we are cooking she only eats certain things I cook and certain things her mom cooks, but figuring out what it is she wants is a hair pulling experience. Of course the easy thing to say is just fix someting we know she can eat. Well if it is not what she wants she will refuse to eat. God im getting frustrated typing it. So yes communication is big

 

[Mia]

Recall being out cycling recently, stopping to drink some water. I could hear a mother talking to her child in a nearby home; "It's a nice sunny day and you are not spending it inside playing video games, now go outside and swim or get on your bike." It's a common theme among parents, whose children spend a good amount of time on their own. When the Mom and Dad work. Spent most of my childhood outside in the summers with friends, playing, climbing trees. It seems that there are more dangers now for teens, that may have existed when I was a teen but seem more prevalent now. I escaped into books at that age, and my brother into sports, think that video games are no different.

You may have had experience with raising your own child, but I don't think that you can or should expect this girl to be any kind of 'type' of teenage girl. And accordingly act in a way that you expect or want. My own brother married someone with two children, and the older daughter and he never got along. No matter how much he did for her, it was as if she was supposed to change and be the way he expected her to be. He in other words tried to change her, to make her over, into what he thought she should be, not accepting her for who she is.

What surprised me the most was his need to control her, that she should be grateful and polite and thankful of the things he did for her. Something she intuited and reacted to by eventually moving out and into her own place. My own Dad spent a great deal of time with me at that age, fishing, hiking, teaching me things that helped me to become independent and self-sufficient. And all of those things were helpful, as self-reliance came as a result, and I had the skills to function when I went off into the world.

 

[Warmheart]

You sound like a concerned stepdad.
A few thoughts:

Any *early* history of meltdowns, inattention, school or schoolwork refusal, solitary play, obsessions, rituals, etc. ? If she's on the spectrum, her teachers likely would have noted some regular behavioral challenges at school, which would have been brought to her Mom's attention since school began at age 5.

It's true, many of us don't seem to display our emotions typically, and get absorbed detrimentally into our electronics. However, a depressed teen with a new blended family may show deep angst, resent,net, etc. by excluding others from her powerful emotions, and try to hide in a make-believe game world.

If things add up to you and she seems like she may be on the spectrum, I would bring up your stepdaughters early and ongoing school behavioral challenges, her obsessions, any beautiful, incredible passions she may have, note if she has the ability to focus on details, but miss "big picture," any clumsyness, note any impressive loyalty, sensory sensitivities, etc. then suggest taking her for a neuropsych evaluation for ASD.

Lots of us slipped through the cracks, but none of us started showing our ASD at age 15, so if there's consistently been concerns, her Mom will know and recognize this. (Nowadays, school personnel have ASD on their radar, and would have been likely to bring her challenging behaviors to your wife's attention long before now.)

Ultimately, if this is just new, moody behavior coupled with escapism, perhaps a fresh perspective from a caring therapist might help her through and ease her teen angst.

If this is part of ASD, getting a definitive diagnosis would help her get supports she needs to move forward for a better life at home and in the world.

Best of luck to you and your family.

 

[jlg]

Recall being out cycling recently, stopping to drink some water. I could hear a mother talking to her child in a nearby home; "It's a nice sunny day and you are not spending it inside playing video games, now go outside and swim or get on your bike." It's a common theme among parents, whose children spend a good amount of time on their own. When the Mom and Dad work. Spent most of my childhood outside in the summers with friends, playing, climbing trees. It seems that there are more dangers now for teens, that may have existed when I was a teen but seem more prevalent now. I escaped into books at that age, and my brother into sports, think that video games are no different.

You may have had experience with raising your own child, but I don't think that you can or should expect this girl to be any kind of 'type' of teenage girl. And accordingly act in a way that you expect or want. My own brother married someone with two children, and the older daughter and he never got along. No matter how much he did for her, it was as if she was supposed to change and be the way he expected her to be. He in other words tried to change her, to make her over, into what he thought she should be, not accepting her for who she is.

What surprised me the most was his need to control her, that she should be grateful and polite and thankful of the things he did for her. Something she intuited and reacted to by eventually moving out and into her own place. My own Dad spent a great deal of time with me at that age, fishing, hiking, teaching me things that helped me to become independent and self-sufficient. And all of those things were helpful, as self-reliance came as a result, and I had the skills to function when I went off into the world.

I appreciate your response but I assure you I in no way want her to be as I need her to be. I hope and pray she maintains her individuality. I only mentioned my daughter because i felt another individual was thinking that I had no experience with teenage girls. I simply wanted to explain that I my stepdaughter was not my first experience in assisting in the raising of a teen girl. But clearly they are completely different. My stepdaughter is very artistic musically and I try to foster that and epress interest becasue I have a musical background. I encourage her to do tings but do not force them. But would you say I am wrong to push a little when she has asked to do something and then once given the opportunity she has nothing to do with it. Like I said I do appreciate you thoughts, but my apologies because I feel you are a little off in your understanding of my posts.

 

[jlg]

You sound like a concerned stepdad.
A few thoughts:

Any *early* history of meltdowns, inattention, school or schoolwork refusal, solitary play, obsessions, rituals, etc. ? If she's on the spectrum, her teachers likely would have noted some regular behavioral challenges at school, which would have been brought to her Mom's attention since school began at age 5.

It's true, many of us don't seem to display our emotions typically, and get absorbed detrimentally into our electronics. However, a depressed teen with a new blended family may show deep angst, resent,net, etc. by excluding others from her powerful emotions, and try to hide in a make-believe game world.

If things add up to you and she seems like she may be on the spectrum, I would bring up your stepdaughters early and ongoing school behavioral challenges, her obsessions, any beautiful, incredible passions she may have, note if she has the ability to focus on details, but miss "big picture," any clumsyness, note any impressive loyalty, sensory sensitivities, etc. then suggest taking her for a neuropsych evaluation for ASD.

Lots of us slipped through the cracks, but none of us started showing our ASD at age 15, so if there's consistently been concerns, her Mom will know and recognize this. (Nowadays, school personnel have ASD on their radar, and would have been likely to bring her challenging behaviors to your wife's attention long before now.)

Ultimately, if this is just new, moody behavior coupled with escapism, perhaps a fresh perspective from a caring therapist might help her through and ease her teen angst.

If this is part of ASD, getting a definitive diagnosis would help her get supports she needs to move forward for a better life at home and in the world.

Best of luck to you and your family.

Appreciate all of the sound advice. And please know that I do recognize depression as a real possibility in fact it is a probability, however I am sensing there is still more. Please forgive me if anyone thinks I am assuming it has to be ASD becasue I am not. I am truly just exhausting all possibilities. She is very sensitive and I do not want to be the overbearing stepdad I just want her to enjoy her highschool years and I hate seeing this precious child so withdrawn and reclusive. She wants to be so much more involved she expresses it but she just cannot let herself take that leap which is why I am feeling there is more than just one issue at hand. But also I live in louisiana and as far as ASD being on teachers radars, i would be more inclined to say not here. Some still think depression can be "cured" with a good whoopin to get them "out the funk"