Strange reply from my husband, which raised a question in my mind.

[Suzanne]

I am watching a korean drama right now and there is a scene, where this very mentally ill woman is obsessed with a guy and saying she will kill herself if he leaves her. (part of a scene, because the drama is actually very positive lol).

So, I asked my husband out of pure curiosity what would he do, if I said that I would kill myself if he left me? His answer was: if we are not arguing, I would stay. If we were arguing, I would say: go ahead and kill yourself. Now, for me, it seems a strange way of thinking. Either, he would stay nethertheless or he would say: go ahead and kill yourself?

I guess, it sort of frightens me, that way of thinking.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

I think he means that if you say this during an argument, he feels you are trying to manipulate him and not being serious. So he will call your bluff in order to defuse and end the argument.

If you're not arguing, you're more inclined to be serious.

 

[Masked Man]

Yes, I agree with Mr. Stevens. Threatening to kill yourself if a partner leaves you - that's an emotionally manipulative statement if used in an argument.

 

[Suzanne]

I think he means that if you say this during an argument, he feels you are trying to manipulate him and not being serious. So he will call your bluff in order to defuse and end the argument.

If you're not arguing, you're more inclined to be serious.

No, that is not what he is like. He really meant that he wouldn't care a jot if I wanted to kill myself, during an argument and truth, is that the reason we do argue, is because he hates being contradicted and says such strange things, that it defines logic and I am afraid I get so angry.

As it happens, I am happy to say, that I would NEVER say such a thing and have NEVER said it, because I find it is rather inane to say.

 

[Hypnalis]

You're underestimating the negative consequences of using that kind of "impossible hypothetical".

 

[Rodafina]

I agree with @Mr. Stevens and @Masked Man. Your husband is recognizing that during an argument, saying such a thing is manipulation and should not be entertained. He described how he would react differently if there was no argument happening.

 

[Misty Avich]

I think if I had said that to my husband during an argument he'd probably reply, "don't be silly."
It's not a good idea to manipulate but it's also not a good idea to call their bluff either. "Don't be silly" is probably the best response, if said in a certain way of course.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I am watching a korean drama right now and there is a scene, where this very mentally ill woman is obsessed with a guy and saying she will kill herself if he leaves her. (part of a scene, because the drama is actually very positive lol).

So, I asked my husband out of pure curiosity what would he do, if I said that I would kill myself if he left me? His answer was: if we are not arguing, I would stay. If we were arguing, I would say: go ahead and kill yourself. Now, for me, it seems a strange way of thinking. Either, he would stay nethertheless or he would say: go ahead and kill yourself?

I guess, it sort of frightens me, that way of thinking.

Perhaps an interpretation/translation:
"If we are not arguing, I would stay." Logic and reasoning centers are active.
"If we were arguing, I would say, "Go ahead and kill yourself."" Emotional centers are active.

He separated the two ways of thinking without actually saying what he was doing here. He seems like a "systems-type" of thinker, being able to think in algorithms, "If this, then that."

As you are finding out in this example, emotional thinking is often times destructive, and best avoided. Now, obviously, all of this is a hypothetical situation, but what he may be pointing out is that if one is arguing and angry, the logic centers are not functioning, and regretful and hurtful things are going fly out of people's mouths.

 

[Aspychata]

Go ahead and kill yourself sounds hurtful, but perhaps he feels you wouldn't do it because you are not suicidal. Like just saying sure, whatever floats your boat. Couples get quite comfortable and can and do say stupid things to each other. Hopefully with no repercussions.
From what you describe, he is a very helpful partner.

 

[ChrisCRISPR]

Im a little torn about this because I understand the "calling your bluff" sort of thing, but there has to be better ways to defuse and deescalate the situation. I brought up some really tough feelings once to a partner, not even in an argument, not trying to be manipulative and I'm not sure what happened but she definitely took it as manipulative because she thought to "call my bluff" and let me just say that argument or no argument - hearing someone you love and trust telling you to "go ahead and kill yourself" it is a very painful thing to hear.

 

[Judge]

I guess, it sort of frightens me, that way of thinking.

Seems to me it just means from his perspective not to act abruptly or irrationally in the midst of a heated argument. Makes a lot of sense to me...as a consideration of basic human behavior.

In this respect, it sounds like your husband is a wise fellow.

 

[Fino]

Worst case scenario, his "love" is based on how well things are going, and if you stop making him happy then you can go ahead and die, which is sociopathic. That's if you want to go as negative as possible. I don't know how him well enough to know the actual meaning. But if someone were to threaten this, you should get them help and not stay with them because of it.

 

[Thinx]

It's hard to think that a relationship based on such dependency and giving up of one's own responsibility for looking after oneself could ever be a good one. It would be codependency I guess.

 

[Tom]

It's not a good type of question to ask.

 

[AspieChris]

Suicide is a serious topic and really should not be taken lightly, regardless of the scenario.

If I said I was going to kill myself, in whatever situation, unless it was clear that I was kidding, my wife would simply call 911. Either it gets me the help I need or it teaches me to never make an idle threat like that again.

After the dust settled, we would be having plenty of uncomfortable conversations about why I said it. And again, getting me the help I need or pounding it into my head that it’s nothing to joke about.