Struggles with Aspie bf

[captivepulse]

Hello all!

I found this site after trying to research Aspergers to maybe help better understand my boyfriend and possibly resolve issues we are having.

We both love each other a lot, but recently he has gotten a new job and he is starting to become overwhelmed. He has a hard time separating events and so a lot of the time I feel like it is me causing his unhappiness.

He tells me it is not personal, but it is hard right now for me to figure it all out.

Tomorrow we are supposed to have our first couple's therapy session, but he is having trouble with his insurance now, so he is not sure if we are able to go, it depends on the price of the session.

Anyway, I would just like to know if anyone has any advice on what we can do if this does not work out with the therapist, and even if it does, I would like our relationship to work...I know it will take compromise and a better understanding of each other, but our biggest problem is communication. What are some techniques we can use to talk about our issues without them feeling targeted or like they are the end of the world?

We have learned he needs time alone to recharge, but we don't know the extent of this or where he can go to get this alone time. He tried to go on a car ride as his therapist suggested, but he got anxious about the car not running properly and it just made things worse for him...

I am just at a loss and at this point I feel like I am a bad girlfriend for him.

 

[Streetwise]

don't hint about anything ,I rarely understand when somebody hints.
i'm telling you from the point of View of a high functioning autistic woman , it seems to be a common factor that high functioning autistic people don't know they are autistic and quite a few are not diagnosed until their 40s or 50s some their 60s or 70s ,so your boyfriend may have the confusion of thinking he is neuro typical but also not understanding social cues which makes him autistic .
so try being two people at the same time ,be black and white in your communication -we are logic based ,whereas people who are neuro typical are emotion based.
we often take things literally whereas neurotypical communication is not usually literal.
so if you don't want to do something literally don't say it like that !for instance like saying "go jump off a bridge ".

 

[Southern Discomfort]

Well, you'll probably not like it when I say it but do not take it personally. I'm my experience when the problem is not to do with someone but that person thinks it is to do with them, they become part of the problem. That's not helpful and is very frustrating.

Managing a personal life on top of a full time job for someone who is autistic can be very hard. Too often it seems there are people who come on here in situations just like his where they can't juggle both and end up losing one or the other - or both and burnout, move back in to live with their parents, get depressed, etc.

It's hard to tell by just what you have said but I would think the better use of your money is to look into finding a professional who deals with autistic people and learn to manage a personal and professional life. I think that'll get you further than any relationship counsellor.

There are self help books out there too. I haven't finished this one book - in fact I need to pick it up again because it's been a while, but I have no doubt it'll touch on this subject. The book is called, Living Well on the Spectrum. Have a look for it.

 

[Major Tom]

Be gentle and listen to his troubles as much as you are able. Many times we just need to vent. I know it can be overwhelming, but try not to take anything personally. Chances are it's not you that's irritating him, it's probably an overstimulating job that he may really hate to do, but is doing out of necessity. Give him some alone time if possible when you can see he needs it. Maybe go and run some errands or something, let him have some alone time in the house if it's at all possible. Try not to argue, as it just seems to escalate things. When we are irritated, arguing is the worst thing to do.(not saying or assuming you do this). Help him to realize that everyone doesn't see things in the same light as he does, but do it gently. My main problem was I thought that everybody saw the the world just like me, and it often lead to extreme anger, shut downs or at worst meltdowns. After realizing not everyone felt as I do, I am able to let a lot of things slide that I never could before.

Hope this helps, even a little.

 

[WereBear]

There are self help books out there too. I haven't finished this one book - in fact I need to pick it up again because it's been a while, but I have no doubt it'll touch on this subject. The book is called, Living Well on the Spectrum. Have a look for it.

Thanks for reminder, I have it now!

I am ND and my husband is NT and we make it work for 17 years now. I think it helps that he's an artist and I'm a writer and we both understand the need for a creative outlet and being left alone to create and/or decompress.

Here's an account of us successfully handling a tough day:

Announcing a successful exhaustion negotiation

 

[Bella Pines]

Hi, welcome I have aspergers and have managed near 20 years and 2 lovely sons with my neurotypical (NT) husband.

You're way better off asking questions here than dragging your poor boyfriend to some sappy neurotypical therapist who once read something somewhere about aspergers and firmly believes that "talking through" problems help. There are loads of aspies here in all walks of life and we are as friendly as aspies can manage...

So a few comments:

What are some techniques we can use to talk about our issues without them feeling targeted or like they are the end of the world?

CRINGE! Just the words "techniques we can use to talk" make me withdraw and feel slightly nauseous. That is so neurotypical. Try logic. If you want something, ask for it. For example, if you want to know if he is avoiding you, or likes spending time with you then say the words: "do you like spending time with me?" or "are you avoiding me?". It's that simple.

If you want therapy, and to "feel loved" and to "talk" and all the other things that my needy husband has moaned about over the years, then go for coffee with a group of equally needy friends. And no, this isn't meant offensively. When I suggested this to my husband many years ago he got very upset and said that he wasn't needy. Now, however, he has a nice group of needy friends and they talk incessantly. They don't think they are needy either

I am just at a loss and at this point I feel like I am a bad girlfriend for him.

Of course you aren't, you are an excellent girlfriend. You are facing this head on, you are getting ahead of the problems and you are looking to understand aspergers. It won't be easy but can work brilliantly. My husband and I have learned to work as a team and it's wonderful.

So, your "feelings" aside, part of aspergers is the ability to take in vast quantities of information and spot patterns. This works well if we find the right jobs, not so much if we are in dull, repetitive jobs that rely on communication. As such, we simply need time to process the information. ALL information, sights, sounds, smells, news, conversation snippets, colours. It's like a hard drive de-fragmenting. We simply need time alone to process our thoughts, to allow the patterns to emerge and to come to terms with our recent experiences.

I'm in my 40s, I need like a day a week of complete isolation on my own and then every now and again, like once or twice a year I go off for a weekend break on my own. Like Paris or Madrid. I also need say an hour a day of quiet, not complete isolation, but to read a book or something. I cycle in the forest, spend a LOT of time in coffee shops, museums and art galleries.

All the best and good luck xxx

 

[HermanHesse]

I would recommend getting a therapist who actually knows something about Autism. It seems like therapists don’t really understand how different Autistic people are.

 

[captivepulse]

Thank you all for the replies!

We were not able to see the therapist after all, but I think we will be fine until he gets his insurance figured out.

We have decided that he should take a break and spend a night at his mother's house as nobody is going to be there. I still feel a little anxious and scared he might not want to come back, but I think it's just my insecurities.

After reading tons of posts and your comments, I am actually starting to wonder if I am an Aspie myself as I have a lot of the symptoms...it is pretty interesting to think but I am not sure how to go about being diagnosed.

Thanks again...and I'll be sure to visit this website often!

 

[sisselcakes]

Hello all!

I found this site after trying to research Aspergers to maybe help better understand my boyfriend and possibly resolve issues we are having.

We both love each other a lot, but recently he has gotten a new job and he is starting to become overwhelmed. He has a hard time separating events and so a lot of the time I feel like it is me causing his unhappiness.

He tells me it is not personal, but it is hard right now for me to figure it all out.

Tomorrow we are supposed to have our first couple's therapy session, but he is having trouble with his insurance now, so he is not sure if we are able to go, it depends on the price of the session.

Anyway, I would just like to know if anyone has any advice on what we can do if this does not work out with the therapist, and even if it does, I would like our relationship to work...I know it will take compromise and a better understanding of each other, but our biggest problem is communication. What are some techniques we can use to talk about our issues without them feeling targeted or like they are the end of the world?

We have learned he needs time alone to recharge, but we don't know the extent of this or where he can go to get this alone time. He tried to go on a car ride as his therapist suggested, but he got anxious about the car not running properly and it just made things worse for him...

I am just at a loss and at this point I feel like I am a bad girlfriend for him.

Try the book Troubleshooting Relationships on the Autism Spectrum by Ashley Stanford. We went to couples counseling. I love the therapist for individual therapy, but he didn’t get us as a couple. I hope your therapy sessions work out better. I think it’s important to have a therapist that understands ASD.