Struggles with BPD

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

Has anyone on here experienced borderline personality disorder and the struggles it involves?

Particularly with dysregulation and feeling like you are not wanted or no one can be what be what you need
The more I get hurt, the more I shutdown to feeling like anyone will like me and just feel like people would be better without me and a burden.
And I feel like I struggle with unstable identity where I do not know my full self or where I fit.
I literally feel like I am just slotted in the places that makes others happy not me
I hate being talented at times but there are some talents I love of mine.
I feel like if people loved me they would just let me shine all the time for me and want to see me happy without any competition.
I do not understand how I can want to be with people who hurt me and despite being autistic I am quite smart and capable.
So I feel like maybe it is a constant battle of people taking me seriously and while I am a fun and fun loving person I am very smart in some areas and do have a lot of inner knowledge and intellect which I often feel guilty for
Because people just expect me not to know stuff I already do then I have to pretend I do not.
And I feel like the feelings of people feeling inadequate for their lack of knowledge or that I have to mask things I know to fit or to help others feel better or not get mad is a difficult battle in itself.
I worry this is because of the digital age too, people read less books and are on screens more
So if people even intellectuals or intelligent people read more books then people would be a lot smarter in this day and age.
But screens hss turned so brains into mush
Because let's face facts, I actually have not read many books myself, there's still thousands of others different topics I could learn about in non fiction books and life...space, flowers, nature, animals, history, art so many different topics.
I think maybe the fact people have done so much screen time has made me smarter
But it is sure to backfire for me
That is what I hate...
Maybe it is backfiring bad.
Because in some areas I am autistic and dense.

But back to the topic of bpd, anyone experienced borderline traits?

 

[Aspychata]

Don't think l qualify, because to some extent l don't really care what others think. They don't pay my bills, and they aren't coming to my funeral, so l have to think l just can't give them that power really. The other thing l noticed is now in life, there are more bullies, and more trolls. So the percentage of somebody not liking you because they are a bully is actually a probability. If you spend 24/7 wrapped up in what others think, you will be at that job for a long time. The other thing l realized is that my ex spouse and my daughter can be simply disliked because of their ethnicity. So maybe step out of yourself, and see that this a universal theme maybe?

 

[tree]

https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/what-is-bpd/bpd-overview/
https://www.nami.org/About-Mental-Illness/Mental-Health-Conditions/Borderline-Personality-Disorder
https://www.samhsa.gov/mental-health/borderline-personality-disorder

 

[Aspychata]

What l read about is that you struggle with your identity as you stated. That has to be difficult. I establish a identity early in life as l had to take care of myself at a early age. I also have been handed responsibility in handling things for other people. I am wondering if you can develop a stronger sense of identity, which will leave you no longer codependent. Are you familiar with co-dependency?

 

[Aspychata]

I like that sheet, it helps center those feelings that want to derail us.

 

[mysterionz]

But back to the topic of bpd, anyone experienced borderline traits?

Do you ever have a state of rapidly fluctuating mood swings that occur because of a trigger?

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

What l read about is that you struggle with your identity as you stated. That has to be difficult. I establish a identity early in life as l had to take care of myself at a early age. I also have been handed responsibility in handling things for other people. I am wondering if you can develop a stronger sense of identity, which will leave you no longer codependent. Are you familiar with co-dependency?

View attachment 119109

Yes well I have not had my identity for a long time which I have struggled with because certain skills in me were numbed out because of illness and medication that was not right.
It is so hard for me to work out and come back from.
I can be codependent in terms of I do need both emotional and physical support, I am autistic but I am trying to cope on my own independently.

Loneliness and need for affection is a big issue for me.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

Do you ever have a state of rapidly fluctuating mood swings that occur because of a trigger?

Yes, triggers always set me off. I have cptsd and I do experience triggers and if I blame myself for them then I am worse triggered.
My rage increases when I blame myself for them.
So I can blame myself because I was mean because if a trigger even if the trigger is multifaceted in my mind like a person may trigger me and it may have both trauma and autistic threads. Because I really think I struggle to as well to get along with difficult people but it is triggers as well. So how much is autistic and how much is triggers difficult to know.
In my real life I am a really nice person but I find cooperation hard and burn out easy.
But I cannot even describe how much I enjoy being kind like in terms I cannot want to be anything else.
I enjoy helping people.
It is hard to describe that I not even a diagnosed autistic but I definitely have had a lot of issues my whole life with functioning and sensitivities. But I may need to seek a formal diagnosis.
But also I do enjoy helping others both in giving advice and giving provisions like money and I love gift giving and am very generous too.
It is hard to explain how I can be that and autistic but I relate to autistic stuff too and burn out easily.
I actually do enjoy giving advice so much so even if I am autistic and burn out easily I would love to go back and get a diploma of helping others like mental health or relationship counselling.
I also dream of being a doctor but because it is so scientific I do not think I could do it considering I am creative.
I would love to just get a degree of medicine and everyone would be shocked when I became a doctor but with my autistic limitations I do not think I do not think I could do it.
But my mind is very medical like I know certain things about illnesses and what to do. My mind is very like health and body centred except because I am autistic I can doubt some things.

 

[Aspychata]

What l understand is that gift giving only helps us with validation of yourself, maybe don't do it, to show you are claiming your identity. I did this too for awhile. I don't do it anymore. But l also ask for what l need from men now. If they say no, it's okay. l would like to say, (blush), you are very brave to come here and talk about your issues that you wish to resolve. First, tell yourself that you love yourself. It does release you. Say to yourself, (please), l love the great, and l love the horrible too about me. And l love the in-between. This has helped me accept myself. It's
okay to love your imperfections because ONLY THEN do you stop seeking validation from others.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

What l understand is that gift giving only helps us with validation of yourself, maybe don't do it, to show you are claiming your identity. I did this too for awhile. I don't do it anymore. But l also ask for what l need from men now. If they say no, it's okay. l would like to say, (blush), you are very brave to come here and talk about your issues that you wish to resolve. First, tell yourself that you love yourself. It does release you. Say to yourself, (please), l love the great, and l love the horrible too about me. And l love the in-between. This has helped me accept myself. It's
okay to love your imperfections because ONLY THEN do you stop seeking validation from others.

I do not like to think about imperfections..I think I have them like every human but it does not help my sickness either to think of negative garbage like that .
I gift give because I enjoy picking out stuff I know people will love especially for special occasions.
But you are right I do not overgive anymore because I burn out too easily
But to say not to be a giving person is to tell me not to be me
Because even if I was not as nice or giving anymore
I still do not like bring mean.
Often I feel punished for being nice because others are not the same way and it is hard finding like-minds and others feel insecure for their meanness/selfish.
But God made me this way for the special purposes in my life so I do not see why I should suffer for it considering I was born very loving.

 

[tree]

The term ‘borderline personality’ was proposed in the United States by Adolph Stern in 1938 (most other personality disorders were first described in Europe). Stern described a group of patients who ‘fit frankly neither into the psychotic nor into the psychoneurotic group’ and introduced the term ‘borderline’ to describe what he observed because it ‘bordered’ on other conditions.



https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK55415/