Struggling to Take it All In

[curiouslycurious]

I just need to vent. My heading is swimming with thoughts, and sometimes writing is the only way I can clear my head. Sorry if I am all over the place.

I am currently seeking a diagnosis for being on the spectrum. I think my son may be on the spectrum possibly, or at a minimum have ADHD. My daughter is another story, she is so aggressive towards her brother, nothing I do will change her behavior, she is definitely hyperactive and has no impulse control. She jumps on him, hits him, trys to annoy him anyway she can. I feel myself sinking into depression, trying to cope with my own problems but also trying to take care of my childrens. Today is a day I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I know i can't do this because I have a responsibilty to take care of my children. I hate loud noises so when the kids are yelling at each other, I become so irritated I end up yelling which is not necessarily how I want to deal with the situation. How do aspie parents cope when their children are out of control? My husband thinks I am just over analyzing everything trying to self diagnose, which makes me think I'm crazy, which sends me further into depression.

On the diagnosis side of things, I have been doing extensive research on ASD over the past few months due to seeking a diagnosis for myself. My son is very similar to me and we share some of the same quirks. I have recently noted that when he is watching TV, he hand flaps and bounces up and down on the sofa when he is super excited. I have always dismissed Aspergers with him due to him being such a happy easy going kid who seems to get along with everyone. However, lately I am really concerned with his focusing problems and his "Everything I say is right attitude". He would watch TV 24 hrs a day if we let him. He is definitely stuck in his ways and we have to fight him tooth and nail to get him try new things or new ways to do something. I don't really have the opportunity to observe him with his peers to see how he interacts with them to see if there is something for concern. I know at home he will go on and on about his tv shows that he has been watching and doesn't seem to understand that I do not want to hear about that. When I ask him about school, he says it's good. I ask if he has buddies, and he says he has 19. So, he considers all of his classmates to be his friends (he is in the 1st grade), so I guess that is a good sign. I do worry that he doesn't respect personal space and will completely ignore you sometimes when you ask him a question. He takes everything you say literally, my husband (NT by the way) used to tease him to the point of tears. For example, I told him to "take his bag down to his room." He proceeded to dump out the contents (legos) on the floor and take the bag downstairs, my jaw dropped. He never liked to color in the lines as a child, unlike my daughter who is 3 now. However, he is quite athletic, differing from the typically Aspergers stereotype. I guess mostly the hand flapping and jumping/bouncing is the most disturbing to me. Is this something that I should be worried about? I have heard NT children can do this as well?

Sorry for the rant, I just worry that he has my genes. I don't want him to become isolated and depressed like myself. I guess that I am hoping that going through the diagnosis process myself will shed some light on his quirks as well. I just dont want to subject him to doctors if the need isnt there and have it negatively impact him somehow. Please let me know of any suggestions you have for disciplining children with ADHD and any advice you have on aspie parenting or any insights you might have on my son. I really don't have anyone that I can talk to about this, so I am glad to have found this forum.

Thanks!

 

[DogwoodTree]

I have 4 kids, 2 boys and 2 girls. Of the 4, two of them show significant aspie traits (although because we homeschool, we haven't felt the need to have them tested). I gotta say, I think those two are actually easier for me because I understand them so much better. We function on the same wavelength, so to speak. The other two are wilder, harder to keep up with where their minds are going with things. Sometimes I can see that as an adventure, other times it drives me batty (and DH too, who is mostly NT).

IMO, raising aspie kids is just like raising other kids in that they each need to be treated as individuals and you gotta find what works for that child. Aspie or NT, each child is unique in their personality, needs, giftings, weaknesses, and so on.

What has worked very well for us with all 4 kids is to train them with natural consequences. Read a good boundaries book, like Boundaries with Kids, or Loving Our Kids on Purpose. I'm also reading The Conscious Parent right now, and it's a good one. Don't back off on responsibilities just because it's hard for a kid...the world will be a tough place whether he has a problem or not, so better to teach him how to take care of himself while you're there to support him than to coddle him all his life and then send him out completely unprepared for reality.

That said, I think the best way to insulate kids from that feeling of loneliness and isolation is to fully accept them for they are (Aspie or not). One of my DD's is a tomboy. That's okay. I love her for it. I help her find clothes she's comfortable with. One of my DS's is a geek. That's okay, too. I love him for it. I help him find computer games that are acceptable in our family and that help him learn more about his passion. But with both of them, I also help them keep a balanced perspective in life...that you have to know how to dress up when the occasion requires it, and you have to know stuff other than computers and math. My oldest is only 12, but we're seeing a lot of neat personality and character and integrity in each of our children.

Being aspie yourself creates some challenges and also gives you some unique insights. For me, for example, I have a high systemizing quotient that helps me make up for a low emotional quotient. I have some other issues going on that make it very difficult to connect with anyone, including my kids, but my kids get the majority focus (in addition to my DH) of my efforts to overcome those challenges in myself. If I connect with no one else...if none of my needs get met...if I'm functional at all...then my DH and kids get the best I have to offer. I make a concerted effort to connect with each of them each and every day. Even if I don't feel it on my end, even if it means living in the mask the whole time I'm with them so that I can be for them what they need to the best of my ability, I do that for them. I may lose it with other people and shut down sometimes and have to spend a great deal of time alone. But life isn't about being happy. It's about doing my part to raise these kids to be all they're designed to be. And it's about building that connection with the one person who has committed to walk through it all with me, no matter how badly I lose my self in it all.

 

[Jess]

*appropriate sidehug*

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I do not have children, and can only imagine what it would be like to have them on top of struggling with my own issues. I hope some parents on the forums will be able to provide assistance. I'm lucky to have an Autism Center in my town which specializes in helping parents deal with issues surrounding children on the spectrum. I wonder if there are any near you? Also, family therapy as well as individual therapy for all of you could help in major ways, you may want to look into it if you haven't considered it. Therapy can be a scary thing to think about, but I hope you'll do whatever is necessary to improve you and your family's functioning. Best wishes.

 

[Naturalist]

There is quite a bit in your post, so I will start by saying that you sound like a very good mother, and that you are trying very hard to strike a good balance between meeting your family's needs and still taking care of yourself. That is difficult if you are an Aspie, and there is definitely a lack of useful resources for parents who are on the spectrum. My diagnosis was partly the result of trying to deal with caring for my son--and failing at many things others found quite straightforward and simple, due to sensory processing issues, communication difficulties, emotional disconnect, etc. My son is now 7, and I am finally starting to feel comfortable with my role as "mom".

Like your son, my boy has a lot of my quirks and "Aspie" behaviors, especially the ADHD symptoms, and hand flapping and hopping when excited. We both start walking in circles when we need to think, and like me, he can listen to the same song repeatedly, for hours on end. He is quite sensitive to certain sounds, and is often very literal. BUT as you mention, he is very eager to socialize, and seems very comfortable in doing so. I also have a friend who is very likely an Aspie, whose son is not... but again, the son has many of the behavioral traits of an Aspie, minus the difficulties socializing. I have a boss who shares some of my Aspie quirks, though he is very adept at multitasking and networking. His father was also likely an Aspie. So it seems to be a common pattern with kids who have parents on the spectrum, that when one parent isn't autistic, the kids often have some, but not all, of the spectrum "traits".

I often wonder whether the socializing bit is partially personality, since neurotypicals can also be introverted or extroverted. I think the most important question is, what challenges does your son face in doing his schoolwork, behaving at home, and meeting and keeping friends? If his challenges aren't causing lots of added frustration for himself and the rest of the family, then maybe he doesn't need the added challenge of doctors' assessments, CBT, etc. For yourself, on the other hand, be sure to continue to pursue your diagnosis and subsequent therapies if you feel that your symptoms are making it difficult to meet your needs and those of your family. I can seriously say that the process of learning about Asperger's Syndrome was a huge help to me, because instead of thinking I was an awful mother, I could now begin to dissect an overwhelming situation and articulate what I could deal with, vs. what I could not. For example, when my son starts screaming at me I can cover my ears and walk away, and I know that I am not being neglectful in doing so, because I am (without words) communicating that screaming is unacceptable if you want the other person to listen and hear you. When he is capable of listening again I could say to my son, "I cannot understand what you want when you are screaming at me. If you want me to listen and help you, you will need to lower your voice. If you just need to scream, you can do so in your room, with the door closed."

Admittedly, I only have one child, so it does make it easier, because I am never caught in the midst of sibling fights. However, you might take my therapist's advice which is very useful to me. You tell your family, "Here is a hat and when you see me wearing this hat, you will know that I need quiet" and then tell them ways they can behave toward you which will best meet your needs. You then are able to better meet their needs, because you are not feeling self-defensive. It also allows you the opportunity to tell them to "shut up" without screaming, "SHUT UP!!!!"

Welcome and best of luck!

 

[Ylva]

NT adults stim, too, it's just that 1) they're better at masking it, 2) they don't get overwhelmed nearly as often, and 3) they consider their stims normal, since other NTs do them as well.

 

[Kari Suttle]

My husband thinks I am just over analyzing everything trying to self diagnose, which makes me think I'm crazy, which sends me further into depression.

Even if i do babysit a two year old full time, i'm not a mom so i can't really comment on much. I just wanted to say something that my own experience with my not so helpful parents has taught me. No matter what those close to you say, you are entitled to feel however the **** you feel, and to have the opinions and suspicions that you do about yourself and your kids. You sound like a great mother, a hell of a lot better than mine has been in regards to mental illnesses. Hell even with AS she does little more than ackowledge it. I'd love to have my mom be as considerate about her kids as you sound like you are.

And if you yell at them, honestly, i think we all yell at the kids we're in charge of. I say in charge of cause i only babysit a two year old. And yes i've yelled at him when i shouldn't have on my bad days, plenty. I feel horrible instantly every time. The fact you seem to feel bad about it and want to change it is what matters. My mom yells and doesn't regret it, doesn't even see anything wrong with it. You at least ackoweldge that its bad. Whenever i'm feeling tense and just need a break, i'll set up the toddler i watch with a dvd and a snack (he's obsessed with thomas and friends) and he'll stare at the tv for a while, allowing me to relax. Your kids sound older than the toddler i watch but the point's the same...give yourself a break when you need it. You got a lot on your plate, you deserve it.

 

[Suzanne]

I feel rather hesitant to answer, since I am not a parent (had many negative comments in the past ie what would you know etc), but, it is because I do not have children, often, I can see what parents cannot see, due to being too involved.

To my mind, the area that is causing you to tear your hair out, is how your daughter treats her brother. She may not be aspie, but she most certainly has issues herself, for it is not typical to attack at 3 year's old and so, here is a thought for you. Is there at all a possibility that you are concentrating so much on your son, that your daughter feels unloved and it is a form of jealously? Ok, so we have 2 dogs and we cannot help, but see many comparisons to children. Well, our newest dog, Archy is absolutely adorable and EVERY ONE admires him and pets him and does all the oooaaaas with him. Bunkle, our other dog, is scruffy looking and gets over looked and people have called him ugly looking etc. Guess what? Bunkle who is very lovable and gentle SNEERS at Archy and ATTACKS him. It is a clear cut case of jealousy. We do our utmost to show affection equally and do try to explain to others, but they just laugh in an unkind way and carry on. I am in no way suggesting you are uncaring at all, but being that I am an aspie, I can tell you, I find it hard to share affections and so, it is quite possible, that you are putting all your attention on your son and even more so, because it is painful to see him being hurt and that can also cause a parent to not like the aggressor. Again, no accusations being thrown out here.

 

[curiouslycurious]

Thank you guys so much for your support. I do feel like my daughter's behavior is causing me the most stress. There is a lot of negativity going on in our house, the transition is rough from working all day and then coming home to pure chaos. I don't believe her behavior is due to getting less attention than her brother, if anything I spend more time with her trying to deal with her behavioral issues and keep her safe, as she is a climber and a jumper. She actually jumped down half a flight of stairs before. Timeout is just not working with her. Two seconds out of timeout and she is repeating the same behavior or something worse. She will acknowledge what she did was wrong, but I guess it just doesn't sink in. Amazingly, she is much more calm when she is by herself, but if her brother is around, she is just as wild as can be. I know 3 year olds misbehave often, but this seems excessive to me.