ayoungaspie
Well-Known Member
I was originally going to ask this on Yahoo answers, but it wouldn't let me make such a long question. So I thought this was as good a place as any (even better, probably) to join and ask! I hope this isn't TOO long btw.
I'm one of those Aspies who is more inward about it - I tend to mask it rather than express it externally as others apparently do. Many people would probably wonder why a guy is so bothered about friendships (I know guys are generally more passive about that sort of thing). I know it's REALLY hard to explain the dynamics of your friendships over the internet, but I'm going to try my best.
First of all, I'm a little bit of a people pleaser. But this is mostly because I'm worried about annoying people, rather than because I want to keep them happy.
Basically I'm a 17 nearly 18 year old guy. I'm not very independent and have fairly narrow interests (as is expected with Aspergers), but only to some extent. I have some friends, most of whom I knew from school, a few of those from school are into PS3 gaming like I am. I have two or three friends I have regular contact with. One I have a lot of ups and downs with, he talks to me a lot about his relationship troubles and whatnot and I meet up with him sometimes. The other lives closeby and I see him at college and in person a lot too. These are the two friendships I'm not so worried about. I'd probably consider them close friends.
I'm sort of on the 'outer circle' of another group of friends. One of them I only talk to every 2-3 months, but he usually makes the contact via a PSN voice chat invitation (he's not a reliable texter as sometimes he ignores my messages). Another I used to play online games with quite a bit, but he doesn't seem interested in playing with me much now, although he still plays with another guy in this 'circle' (who I'm more of an acquaintance to). I'm definitely on the outer circle here, whereas the other three are close friends. Just today I had asked him if he wanted to play a game, but he said the game would glitch because his parents were using the internet (he also does live in a VERY rural location). A few hours later I texted him asking if his parents were still using it, but he didn't text back and a few minutes later he was playing a game with the other guy and didn't even invite me to play! As you can imagine this caused me a lot of inner stress, because I felt left out and my attempts to get on the inner circle weren't working.
I am almost at breaking point due to anxiety about this. It matters more to me now because I have drifted away from some other friends in the last 6 months or so (so I guess I feel lonelier now) and I have become quite obsessed about it because I'm now worried about drifting away from others. It's as if I have gotten it into my head that I want to on the inner circle of this group and I can't stop analysing it all.
It feels like I either have to be close friends with them or not at all, because all the time while I'm not in touch with them regular I'm going to be worrying about drifting away from them. Now they have invited me to bigger social gatherings, like on their birthdays (which does give me some consolation) but like I said I'm definitely not on the inner circle.
So I guess what I'm having trouble with is understanding the dynamics of friendships, i.e. what makes a friendship close and not-so-close, and how to change those dynamics (i.e. make a friendship stronger, and how to go about doing it without being annoying).
Can somebody please help put my mind at rest and perhaps give some advice?
I'm one of those Aspies who is more inward about it - I tend to mask it rather than express it externally as others apparently do. Many people would probably wonder why a guy is so bothered about friendships (I know guys are generally more passive about that sort of thing). I know it's REALLY hard to explain the dynamics of your friendships over the internet, but I'm going to try my best.
First of all, I'm a little bit of a people pleaser. But this is mostly because I'm worried about annoying people, rather than because I want to keep them happy.
Basically I'm a 17 nearly 18 year old guy. I'm not very independent and have fairly narrow interests (as is expected with Aspergers), but only to some extent. I have some friends, most of whom I knew from school, a few of those from school are into PS3 gaming like I am. I have two or three friends I have regular contact with. One I have a lot of ups and downs with, he talks to me a lot about his relationship troubles and whatnot and I meet up with him sometimes. The other lives closeby and I see him at college and in person a lot too. These are the two friendships I'm not so worried about. I'd probably consider them close friends.
I'm sort of on the 'outer circle' of another group of friends. One of them I only talk to every 2-3 months, but he usually makes the contact via a PSN voice chat invitation (he's not a reliable texter as sometimes he ignores my messages). Another I used to play online games with quite a bit, but he doesn't seem interested in playing with me much now, although he still plays with another guy in this 'circle' (who I'm more of an acquaintance to). I'm definitely on the outer circle here, whereas the other three are close friends. Just today I had asked him if he wanted to play a game, but he said the game would glitch because his parents were using the internet (he also does live in a VERY rural location). A few hours later I texted him asking if his parents were still using it, but he didn't text back and a few minutes later he was playing a game with the other guy and didn't even invite me to play! As you can imagine this caused me a lot of inner stress, because I felt left out and my attempts to get on the inner circle weren't working.
I am almost at breaking point due to anxiety about this. It matters more to me now because I have drifted away from some other friends in the last 6 months or so (so I guess I feel lonelier now) and I have become quite obsessed about it because I'm now worried about drifting away from others. It's as if I have gotten it into my head that I want to on the inner circle of this group and I can't stop analysing it all.
So I guess what I'm having trouble with is understanding the dynamics of friendships, i.e. what makes a friendship close and not-so-close, and how to change those dynamics (i.e. make a friendship stronger, and how to go about doing it without being annoying).
Can somebody please help put my mind at rest and perhaps give some advice?
