Struggling with life

[Sn0w]

Not really sure where to start. Currently I am struggling with some things and wanted to share in hope of some answers, experiences or tips. I do not know in which category this fits so feel free to move the topic anywhere.

For some years now, it was actually alright. Not really much stress, a job I like and even got a contract there. Maybe it was a feeling of loneliness, but I decided to try and make „friends”, or maybe in hindsight it was because I wanted a girlfriend/partner. This one girl/woman I worked with caught my eye and what followed was a very strong feeling of „destiny”. I am 33 years old and currently am single and do not have any friends. Maybe 1 person but I am not really sure about it yet.

Not sure if it is because of Autism or not but for me "feelings" tend to be stronger or non-existant in certain situations. So when I saw her I instantly got a feeling of, WoW I like this girl. After working with her and talking with her I really got this feeling of peace and comfort. This summer things really got going. We talked/texted every day. I really fell for her and found all the excuses at work to be close to her or talk to her. It is heaven. I would trust her with my life. It felt like I could talk with her about anything. Which is why she was the first person ever I told about my Autism. This also because there were some weird conversations which ended awkwardly or me trying to help while it was not my business. However after finally finding the courage to ask her on a date she politely declined and said she was not looking for a boyfriend, but still wanted to be friends. Even though I was heart broken I still said I would be a friend, maybe because I didn't have any.

Since then things have been going down hill quickly, at least this is how it feels for me. Every time I ask her about it she says there is nothing wrong. Just be yourself. But eventually she even said that I am just a good coworker and not a friend. For me every time I see her I love her more. It is soul crushing working with the person you fell for but can not be with. I started doubting everything I do, questioning who I am, what my goals are and ended up in this black hole of negativity. Most days I try to fight my tears when I am at work and try to get over it, but every day she is there. In my mind. Something positive, because I can not help it but smile when I see her. She brightens my day. But at the same time also something that will probably never be. Normally I would run away, but she is a coworker so I am forced to see her every day. I feel so stupid to have such intense feelings for her even though we only started talking this year.

I am doubting my life, the things I do, the little hobbies I have. I feel so bad that I am tempted to become a hermit and be done with it, but I know this is also not a good thing to do. This girl is in my head and I can't get her out of it. As if my whole world came crashing down. I am stuck and lost. I came to the conclusion that I have to work on myself, love myself, do things I like, find goals in life, finding out who I am and accepting it, but I just don't know how to do any of it. Where do I even start? Everything I decide to do already takes so much effort and it feels like it brings back so little. For example I started rollerblading. It took 4 to 5 months to even be brave enough to try it. And after having done it, it still feels like I am only forcing myself to do this and I get bored of it fast.

Online I find a lot of "work on yourself", or "become a better person". What does this even mean? I feel like this post is just chaos, but in my mind it feels the same. I probably forgot some things and if I have to explain something more please ask.

Thank you for reading! Hope to see some replies.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

It sounds like quite a crush. Without other friends, it is quite possible that you came off as too needy. I could not pinpoint specific needy behaviors, but I believe women, especially NTs pick up on such.

Yes, Working on yourself is something that may be necessary to be an attractive person and to bring positive elements to a relationship. First, like yourself. Do you have strong internal ethics? What is it about yourself that you enjoy? Are you the person that you like to be with? How do your interests and hobbies reflect your relationship with the world? How do they make you an interesting person? Are you living independently? That, or the potential to be successful at it is an important part of liking yourself. I have seen too many people infantilized by one parent, or both, who have the vibe of being somebody's dependent which a healthy woman will recoil from, unless you have potential up the wazoo.

Drop the crush and concentrate on what you have learned. I have told high functioning autists to identify the shy women and try to connect with them. It still is the fact that men must make the introduction and we (ND) are not the ones to find this easy. Hence, shy women frequently get hit on by the assertive, when they are hoping to meet a quirky and sensitive guy, US. I wondered why a (misogynistic) thought started in my mind that the interesting women kept falling for jerks until I recognized that I never acted to give them a choice. So, please engage with and appreciate the shy woman.

 

[GypsyMoth]

I read an article this morning I think you will find helpful:
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/emotional-affair/
I know what it's like to be around someone and feel like you instantly connect. It happens so very rarely that I can count it on three fingers. At the same time, knowing if it's being reciprocated is tough. Likewise, I can count on three fingers the times I did not know if it were being reciprocated. In your case, you're lucky--she's told you where you stand with her and now you need to respect that.

I've been the girl that's turned down the date. & I usually have the grace of someone launching a sack of potatoes when I do it, too. But one time I turned down this guy and he surprised me by asking, is it still okay if I try to be your friend? It was such an unexpected request so of course I said yes. A couple of years later I married him.

If she's already drawn the "we're co-workers" line, respect that. But if she, in the course of the workday, passes off work to you, do everything you can to make her work easier. After all, that's what friends do, right? They look out for each other.

Meanwhile, join a meetup group and go hiking or learn a foreign language or go with a group that likes to tour museums and old houses or whatever. This accomplishes two things. First, you'll meet people who, after a time, you will be able to say, "these people are my friends. They know me and can vouch for me that I'm the kind of guy you want to date." And second, it makes you more interesting. It's okay if she says, "want to do something Saturday?" and you say, "sorry, my hiking group is climbing Mt. Denali," because then she sees that maybe there is something more to you than fawning over her. You're not willing to give up who you are even in pursuit of her. Oh, it'll be tough to say that. Just give it a moment to sink in and offer an alternative time: "what about lunch on Sunday instead?"

Just some ideas.

Also, having been the shy girl, you know, the one who made it through high school and not only never asked out on a single date, was also the one who was turned down when a friend encouraged her to ask a guy to the prom (not recommended, by the way--very embarrassing), we shy girls are pretty neat people. I think I've outgrown it quite a bit. Maybe it will work out with Miss Right--or, maybe she's not Miss Right after all. But now that you've had this experience, maybe you should build on it. You might want to take a look around and see if there are any ladies you could do nice things for and who might appreciate your friendship.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

So right about many things.

Respect a woman's boundaries: That's number one.

Getting involved in activities is critical:
It involves practicing the social.
It rewards skills and interest.
It expands the numbern of people who see you as a known quantity.

I met my future spouse through a Sierra Club trail maintenance project. I had been dating for a couple of years, but with women who already knew me. The trip leader sent out a roster suggesting we car pool. Since I was going to be near Chicago fossil collecting, I saw somebody from there. She was the first woman I just called that I did not know . . . . but this was just about getting to the trip, so I was relaxed. She had a beautiful phone voice and was just getting into backpacking. Soon we were talking frequently and becoming friends. Then we met IRL, had an adventurous and intensive trip together and by the end of the trip we knew we wanted to be together.

 

[Sn0w]

Already some helpful answers. Thank you!

Dropping the crush, huh if it only was that easy. Everything reminds me of her. Lyrics in music, a line said in a movie or just the beautiful full moon outside. Anyway in hindsight I probably was seen as needy, even though I saw it happening, I couldn't change it. Even if I really did not want feelings to happen like jealousy I couldn't control it. I had to look up what "needy" means but I believe the following definetly happened:

• wanting to spend every moment together
• a push for continuous conversation - definetly trying my best to keep the conversation going. Sometimes definetly texting too much when she would take longer than normal to reply.
• started becoming jealous of people who would spend a lot of time talking with her
• when the shift was done and I saw her leaving with friends or in casual clothing really hurt me, because I wanted to be there.

Would working on myself help change being "needy"? Are there any practical tips on controlling emotions?

First, like yourself. I guess that is what I am trying to work towards. Question is ... How?

Do you have strong internal ethics? I do not really understand what you mean with this. Do you have an example?

What is it about yourself that you enjoy? For some reason I always manage to be a good colleague and people like working with me, joking around and talk or not depending on the person. But more then being friendly doesn't happen. Maybe because I do not know how to be a friend or what a friend is or how to behave like one.

Are you the person that you like to be with? Outside of work, I don't think so. I can see a totally different person there. After work I just go home and mostly stay inside my room.

How do your interests and hobbies reflect your relationship with the world?
At the moment I keep going back to the generic boring ones. Music/Movies/Computer/Games/Anime.

How do they make you an interesting person?
Right now, probably not at all.

Are you living independently? No, I still live with my mother and recently started thinking that this might actually be a limitation. Jus the way my mother sometimes responds to certain situations. I always stayed home because of money. House prices are crazy and I always said that I would not rent. But I am really considering this option even now.

Now about the activities, if I understand correctly the best thing to do is find something to do with other people. Club or group. Would a sport fall into this category? Learning another language I started, because I wanted to earn respect from the Polish coworkers. Plus my crush is Polish so I hoped to speak to her in her own language one day. Maybe I should expand on this and look for some lessons.

This is it for the post, you reached the end! Man I feel like I could write a book. I appreciate everybody that makes it to the end.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Already some helpful answers. Thank you!

Dropping the crush, huh if it only was that easy. Everything reminds me of her. Lyrics in music, a line said in a movie or just the beautiful full moon outside. Anyway in hindsight I probably was seen as needy, even though I saw it happening, I couldn't change it. Even if I really did not want feelings to happen like jealousy I couldn't control it. I had to look up what "needy" means but I believe the following definetly happened:

• wanting to spend every moment together
• a push for continuous conversation - definetly trying my best to keep the conversation going. Sometimes definetly texting too much when she would take longer than normal to reply.
• started becoming jealous of people who would spend a lot of time talking with her
• when the shift was done and I saw her leaving with friends or in casual clothing really hurt me, because I wanted to be there.

Would working on myself help change being "needy"? Are there any practical tips on controlling emotions?

First, like yourself. I guess that is what I am trying to work towards. Question is ... How?

Do you have strong internal ethics? I do not really understand what you mean with this. Do you have an example?

What is it about yourself that you enjoy? For some reason I always manage to be a good colleague and people like working with me, joking around and talk or not depending on the person. But more then being friendly doesn't happen. Maybe because I do not know how to be a friend or what a friend is or is that first step in being wholehow to behave like one.

Are you the person that you like to be with? Outside of work, I don't think so. I can see a totally different person there. After work I just go home and mostly stay inside my room.

How do your interests and hobbies reflect your relationship with the world?
At the moment I keep going back to the generic boring ones. Music/Movies/Computer/Games/Anime.

How do they make you an interesting person?
Right now, probably not at all.

Are you living independently? No, I still live with my mother and recently started thinking that this might actually be a limitation. Jus the way my mother sometimes responds to certain situations. I always stayed home because of money. House prices are crazy and I always said that I would not rent. But I am really considering this option even now.

Now about the activities, if I understand correctly the best thing to do is find something to do with other people. Club or group. Would a sport fall into this category? Learning another language I started, because I wanted to earn respect from the Polish coworkers. Plus my crush is Polish so I hoped to speak to her in her own language one day. Maybe I should expand on this and look for some lessons.

This is it for the post, you reached the end! Man I feel like I could write a book. I appreciate everybody that makes it to the end.

Your obsessions about that woman are beginning to sound creepy. I do not know how inexperienced you are with women, but what you describe is negatively obsessive. Not Healthy - Stop That.

To answer the questions I posed you may need to dig very deep. Once you can see yourself as that person who is interesting to be with, you will need to like who you are. You will understand that liking yourself is the first step in being whole when you are willing to let people in and not just because they fill a need you think you lack.

When I met my spouse I was enjoying being me, but that was 2 years after I starting doing self-help because I didn't know I was autistic. I was personally and emotionally ready to meet somebody like her, a basically shy girl.

 

[Owliet]

Everything reminds me of her. Lyrics in music, a line said in a movie or just the beautiful full moon outside. Anyway in hindsight I probably was seen as needy, even though I saw it happening, I couldn't change it. Even if I really did not want feelings to happen like jealousy I couldn't control it.

Honestly, I know that it can be hard to move on from a crush. I think we have all been there but you have to respect the fact that she may just not be into you and even if you just want to be friends (with the expectation that one day it may develop into something else — which is another “worms can”) then you have to respect her choice and move on. No need to be so focused on her. If she is even open to any friendship with you despite your feelings with her, then she may not be even wanting to be friends with you if you continue to give off the creepy vibes Like I’m getting from you in this post! Which I know sounds a bit hard but there’s no need. She doesn’t owe you anything. Respect her wishes. Move on. And accept her choice.

• wanting to spend every moment together
• a push for continuous conversation - definetly trying my best to keep the conversation going. Sometimes definetly texting too much when she would take longer than normal to reply.
• started becoming jealous of people who would spend a lot of time talking with her
• when the shift was done and I saw her leaving with friends or in casual clothing really hurt me, because I wanted to be there.

- Why? Her life does not circle around you.

- Why? She does not have to text you continuously or if she takes longer. You just come across as like you are demanding for her to give you attention. It could really make her think that you are being too obsessive. Do you want that?

- Why? She is allowed to speak with other people.

- Why? She is allowed to hang out with other people or wear her own clothing. She owes nothing to you. She was just someone who was nice to you.

Your obsessions about that woman are beginning to sound creepy. I do not know how inexperienced you are with women, but what you describe is negatively obsessive. Not Healthy - Stop That.

It’s A problem when you are nice to a guy and they take it like you are in love with them. Then they behave in a stalkerish creepy way that is obsessive. It breaks a lot of trust and makes you more aware of the possibilities. I fully agree with you.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Honestly, I know that it can be hard to move on from a crush. I think we have all been there but you have to respect the fact that she may just not be into you and even if you just want to be friends (with the expectation that one day it may develop into something else — which is another “worms can”) then you have to respect her choice and move on. No need to be so focused on her. If she is even open to any friendship with you despite your feelings with her, then she may not be even wanting to be friends with you if you continue to give off the creepy vibes Like I’m getting from you in this post! Which I know sounds a bit hard but there’s no need. She doesn’t owe you anything. Respect her wishes. Move on. And accept her choice.

- Why? Her life does not circle around you.

- Why? She does not have to text you continuously or if she takes longer. You just come across as like you are demanding for her to give you attention. It could really make her think that you are being too obsessive. Do you want that?

- Why? She is allowed to speak with other people.

- Why? She is allowed to hang out with other people or wear her own clothing. She owes nothing to you. She was just someone who was nice to you.





It’s A problem when you are nice to a guy and they take it like you are in love with them. Then they behave in a stalkerish creepy way that is obsessive. It breaks a lot of trust and makes you more aware of the possibilities. I fully agree with you.

That trust I valued at an early age that it negatively affected me at times. In my first (failed) relationship I was unsure how to take it to intimacy, though now I can see the positive signals. And, when, after an intense four days, I asked my future spouse if she would like to make love, my mind panicked at disrespecting her and I did not hear her assent. Happily, that was cleared up.

Guys inexperienced with women frequently blow public friendliness out of proportion. I was so scared of doing that, I did not react. Who knows how many honest connections I may have missed, if any? I later understood that a cheereful demeanor in public goes a long way in feeling good.

 

[Sn0w]

@Owliet Why? that is indeed the question. I know everything you said and yet it made me feel this way. I know it is bad and I want to change it. Which is why I came for help, becuase I do not know how to get rid of these damn feelings.

Let me make something clear though, obsession probably, but they never got to the point of action. Besides trying to find excuses to talk to her whenever possible. I guess it is pretty obvious I do not have any experience with any of this friends or girlfriends.

Respect her wishes. Move on. And accept her choice. I do or at least I DESPERATELY want to, but do not know what it means. Does that mean ignoring her? No more talking? No more texting? At all? No happy birthday or Merry Christmas? Problem is, what do I do or don't do. I just don't have the knowledge.

Self help/Self love/Personal growth/Self respect/Like yourself - Great! all fantastic and wonderful words. I keep reading these everywhere. Yet nobody explains HOW? What do you do? Where do you start? If you tell me to book a plain ticket and fly it straight into the sun then I understand. Now I have something I can do or at least work towards.

Take for example this "maybe" friend. She also worked with me at the same place. 2 days. We talk we laugh and sometimes we text after work. Now she is not working there anymore and I have no idea what to do. Text her? Hang out? Text about what? 1 week passes, 2 weeks pass. The insecurity and not knowing what to do kills me.

It is like I said, coworkers seem to like me and even openly tell me that they like working with me. Then why can I not make any friends. Apparently I am missing something that prevents me from being friends. Maybe it is a lack of compassion. I don't care about most people. But for some reason once in a while there is someone that I can FEEL I can trust and my heart just explodes with all these feelings I do not know what to do with. And with this current girl/obsession, it is the strongest feelings I have felt in my life so far.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

It