Struggling with Sense-of-Self

[Ariel]

I am fully-grown but I don't have any idea of who I am or what I want. It seems that each time I finally think I've found the answer, it just changes again when a new obsession / special interest comes along.

I don't know what I want to do, where I want to go. I don't know how I come across to people or even what I look like. It's frightening to think that I might just be floundering around forever because I can't tell which one of my, 'selves' is the genuine one that I should pursue.

Does anyone else find this a huge problem with A.S?

 

[Aspieistj]

I am 70 and know countless young people who go to college, change majors a few times and then drop out. It seems to be a current trend among young people. Most of these people I have talked to usually say that after they have studied their major areas for a while they realize they are no longer interested. I wish I could smack them, tell them to try again and stick with that major until graduation, and then work for a while before decided they can't bear to do that job. The bottom line is that adults HAVE to work and support themselves, that countless workers don't like their jobs, but they realize they really have to earn a decent living in order to respect themselves. Once you become independent and earn your living, you may decide to try a different job. After I got my first BS (which my parents paid for) I worked for a while and decided I wanted to choose another profession. I had to pay my way through a community college to get that degree. Nursing wasn't my dream job but by then I had 2 kids and was divorced. I knew I had to keep working as a nurse to provide for myself and kids. A lot of life is simply surviving and we just have to accept that responsibility. No one has the right to not work and live on wellfare because they don't like working. The answer is to find other ways to make sense out of life. For a long time I focused on raising my kids and seeing them become productive adults. Now I enjoy traveling when I can afford to and I find great pleasure in pets. At one time I had 4 dogs and 3 cats and they made my life worth living. Now, I have one dog and two cats. Please try to be realistic and understand that many NTs aren't thrilled to go to work every day. Simple survival takes work and if you are lucky and have some free time, figure out how to have fun. I don't believe being as Aspie had much to do with how much or little I liked working. The truth is, I am lazy. I had to do what was necessary and SAVE enough so that I could retire early. I am very fortunate that I figured that out. I am still an Aspie and often unhappy, but I am an adult and can call my own shots. I choose to live almost like a hermit because I had to deal with people for decades. Now I am content to be alone as much as possible, do my own thing, enjoy my pets, read voraciously, and answer to almost no one. No matter how rotten my life has been at times, at least I took care of myself after I was 22 and I am proud of that. I hope you can figure out how to procede with your life and be self supporting. No magic pill is going to make the Aspie in you change--work with what you have.

 

[mama_lotus]

Yes. I feel this way. Sucks. I've found what's helpful for me is to make 1 year plans, 3 year plans, 5 year plans and 10 year plans. One of my special interests is real estate so I can even plan what house I will live in. I can spend an entire day just obsessing about this fantasy life, creating lists and spreadsheets and whatnot. And then get up the next day and do my real job. Which is sometimes a special interest and sometimes not, it waxes and wanes, but anyway, that's how I get my Aspie jollies out.

 

[Ariel]

Thanks for your reply, Aspieistj.

No one has the right to not work and live on wellfare because they don't like working.

Just to clarify in case this was aimed at me: I am independent, working full time + overtime and have been since I graduated. It's not a job with progression, however, which is what I meant by floundering. My options are still open, so to speak.
There is a difference between not feeling like getting up for work sometimes and never feeling comfortable in your own skin. It would be good to work on the latter.

 

[mama_lotus]

You will get there. I feel like I'm in a pretty good spot, as good as I can ever get, maybe. I own two of my own businesses and appreciate/need the control of that, plus each one is in one of my special interests. It took a while and help from others to get to this spot though. Lots of starts and stops.

 

[Aspieistj]

I don't think I will ever be comfortable in my own skin and I believe that achieving some measure of success in life helps me to cope. I suffer from depression and my antidepressent usually helps me feel a little less unhappy. I wish ther were a pill like that for AS. I just came back from playing with my dog inside her fenced area and watching a precious brown bunny who grazes in my side yard every afternoon and evening. That's what I need--a Brown Bunny pill .

 

[Berianireth]

I understand what your saying, I think. Personally I feel under pressure to reinvent myself sometimes, as though my ASD isn't really why people don't connect with me that well. I have to constantly remind myself not to feed into the "aura" of self-hatred and run off trying to come up with a new me when I already have a lot of commitments. It's quirky because I think most people with ASDs are like me in the sense that we tend to be more committed to certain ideas, professions, pursuits, etc. I usually end up the same old me anyway.
I really struggle to feel internal peace though. I guess I don't feel as comfortable with myself because I go longer stretches of time without knowing what it is like to be rewarded for being myself socially.

 

[Peace]

I am fully-grown but I don't have any idea of who I am or what I want. It seems that each time I finally think I've found the answer, it just changes again when a new obsession / special interest comes along.

I don't know what I want to do, where I want to go. I don't know how I come across to people or even what I look like. It's frightening to think that I might just be floundering around forever because I can't tell which one of my, 'selves' is the genuine one that I should pursue.

Does anyone else find this a huge problem with A.S?

Yes, and I am sure we are not the only ones. Why do want to find all of the answers right now? What then? Life is not about knowing everything, but about discovering things. I have learned to enjoy the journey of discovery. Most people do not see us as we see ourselves.
If I were you, I might consider not worrying so much, and enjoying more.

 

[radasp]

There is a difference between lazy and efficient, between lazy and not buying into the frantic American lifestyle, which drills into people that if you're not busy working every minute of your day, you won't be able to buy all those "things" that show the world that you're important. I have worked in conventional corporate settings when there was something enjoyable about the work, but usually only long enough to have enough money to escape those environments. I value TIME over the conventional addiction to money and status. It's difficult as an Asperger to trust yourself after having been told over and over that you are defective, but you need to start finding within yourself how to be authentic - use your interests to find an environment that pleases YOU. Remember - no one is born knowing themselves; you have to let go of expectations and build your own life.

 

[Dynamic]

I have felt that sense of being "lost" many times throughout my life. In college, wondering where I'm going, wondering why I'm even there, and where to go next. At meaningless jobs with no future, wondering "what I want to be when I grow up." Other times the difficulty wasn't even "not knowing", but rather having too many choices in front of me, liking a lot of them, and being unable to choose one. I know it can be very difficult and can make a person just feel very dreary not having a solid direction to go. One of the great things for a lot of people with ASD conditions is, although certain areas of life are sacrificed to compensate for others, people with ASD conditions often have some aspects of their life where they are REALLY strong at something, often more so than the average NT person. Find that strength, build on it, and you'll find a way to enjoy life more knowing that you absolutely ROCK at something.

One thing I've found that has really helped me is to think about the things I like, why I like them, if there are any similar reasons why I like certain things, and if those reasons might have to do with one of my strengths and personal traits. For me, I tend to be very good at research and analysis. Some of the hobbies I enjoy are sports cars, modifying them, firearms, electronics and building my own computers, etc. It took me awhile but, eventually I realized that the things that I do really well and enjoy in those areas are research and analysis. With cars, I like finding a project, researching everything I can about that project, maybe starting a spreadsheet to catalog all of the components I need to build a certain project, etc. Same thing with firearms and computers. I realized that was my strong suit, and something I really enjoyed, so I took that knowledge and started looking for jobs and opportunities that would let me utilize those strengths, and hopefully in something I enjoy.

 

[Jimbo]

I can totally relate. I struggle with the whole identity thing. Am I a southern country boy? Or an intelligent suburbanite? I have no clue how other people see me. I often wonder if I appear the same to everybody or do I take on different identities according to who I am with.

 

[Autism]

Ahhh, Jimbo

America: where you grow up learning about how others see you

Germany: where you grow up learning how you can be the best you can be, regardless of how others see you.

 

[Dynamic]

An intelligent person doth not a suburbanite necessarily make.

You can grow up and learn how to be the best that you can be regardless of where you grow up.