Struggling...

[Crysalis99]

Hello All,

New here and trying to get to know the boards!

I would like to say I hate dating in 2022. I hate forming new relationships. The complexities of dating these days is so, so, so messy. Anyone got any advice for the extremely vague question of how not to come off too strong? My entire life, I have loved intensely.

Going through a divorce since July 4th, 2021. And I have essentially attempted to date three women. First for three months, one for one month, and the most recent one that ended today was about a month and a half. Granted my personal situation is a bit of a cluster (and yes, I am ready to date lol) so I could see them running because of that. But All three (and historically, pre-marriage, this has very much been my M.O. as well).

I wear my heart on my sleeve (I am a social worker) and no matter how well intentioned I come off, I am told I come on too strong. In my introductory post on the introductory board, I mention I work with juvenile sex offenders and thus, I am also in tune with the idea of toxic masculinity (and the importance of the #metoo movement), healthy boundaries, and all that other fun stuff as I address those topics with my sex offenders.

I am a dummy when it comes to the beginnings of a relationship and dating. I had a woman tell me a couple months ago she would not go out with me because I wasn't dating anyone else. Like really????

Any tips or directions to point me in?

 

[Suzette]

I wear my heart on my sleeve (I am a social worker) and no matter how well intentioned I come off, I am told I come on too strong

This line really stands out to me because I think it clearly tells what your problem really is.

In your mind you are probably thinking that what you intend to project is genleness and kindness so that someone will be attracted to you.

But your true intention of finding a wife right this red hot minute is outting you.

What if your intention was to get to know your date and figure out who she is and how she ticks? I can imagine you would be pretty popular because your date would reaize that they can trust you and you put them first.

Just a thought!

 

[Crysalis99]

This line really stands out to me because I think it clearly tells what your problem really is.

In your mind you are probably thinking that what you intend to project is genleness and kindness so that someone will be attracted to you.

But your true intention of finding a wife right this red hot minute is outting you.

What if your intention was to get to know your date and figure out who she is and how she ticks? I can imagine you would be pretty popular because your date would reaize that they can trust you and you put them first.

Just a thought!

So I don’t disagree…and perhaps this is where I trip over myself because I know so much of the clinical piece to this.

But if Oxytocin is the love hormone, I have no control over that in my brain. Just this past week or so they’ve stated that petocin (what they use to induce labor) to help “men” not cheat. Petocin is essentially oxytocin…


Not to mention I’ve always believed the age old adage of the “heart wants what the heart wants” and it’s usually pointless to fight it.

so how am I to not feel the positive emotions so intensely, because as a therapist I’m well acquainted with emotional regulation techniques for negative emotions.

 

[Thinx]

You feeling it intensely isn't necessarily the problem. It sounds like you are expressing the intense feelings too soon or in a way that's off putting? Can you keep the intense feelings to yourself more, early on?

I know what you mean, I think it's fairly common for us to feel things intensely and express things directly, but we can modify that, it's probably worth masking a bit, short term at least, or you will get less social chances to develop your relationships.

 

[Streetwise]

So I don’t disagree…and perhaps this is where I trip over myself because I know so much of the clinical piece to this.

But if Oxytocin is the love hormone, I have no control over that in my brain. Just this past week or so they’ve stated that petocin (what they use to induce labor) to help “men” not cheat. Petocin is essentially oxytocin…


Not to mention I’ve always believed the age old adage of the “heart wants what the heart wants” and it’s usually pointless to fight it.

so how am I to not feel the positive emotions so intensely, because as a therapist I’m well acquainted with emotional regulation techniques for negative emotions.

But the natural ending is reproduction and your view is possibly?to impregnate ,a woman to gestate ,in psychology in all sentient creatures ,naturally stay away ,is NOT attracted to anxiety \panic , they perceive death\danger ,if you act honestly(say in this moment am I being what\doing as I would like to!) you lose as little as possible when forming a relationship,how many women are prepared for a man with children below 18 ?

 

[Crysalis99]

You feeling it intensely isn't necessarily the problem. It sounds like you are expressing the intense feelings too soon or in a way that's off putting? Can you keep the intense feelings to yourself more, early on?

I know what you mean, I think it's fairly common for us to feel things intensely and express things directly, but we can modify that, it's probably worth masking a bit, short term at least, or you will get less social chances to develop your relationships.

*trigger warning* I like this response. I’ve never thought about it in terms of masking. And while I can see that working I have initial reservations (but willing to try ).

Just as every single person on this board has their own path to what brought them here, I’ve learned so many (and probably unhealthy like dark humor) coping skills thanks to my career before arriving to this moment. I’m a cynical bastard too. Thanks to working in public systems like child welfare and corrections. In every area but love.

My ability to love hard and fast connects me to my humanity. Because when you’re working with sex offenders, or removing kids from horrible situations, you tend to…have some heavy stuff to deal with you tend to learn to compartmentalize and divorce your emotions from situations. That’s my day to day professional life. In my personal life, I’ve refused to allow myself to be that cynical.

And given that singular dynamic, Im kind of lost. I’m 36. Going through a contentious divorce from a BPD ex-wife. All the while I’ve realized I’m autistic and my social skills flat out suck. I’m broadly cynical but love. I realize it’s a matter of perspective and I’m here hoping others can help with that but this is my starting point.

But the natural ending is reproduction and your view is possibly?to impregnate ,a woman to gestate ,in psychology in all sentient creatures ,naturally stay away ,is NOT attracted to anxiety \panic , they perceive death\danger ,if you act honestly(say in this moment am I being what\doing as I would like to!) you lose as little as possible when forming a relationship,how many women are prepared for a man with children below 18 ?

The ex left me on July 4th. While I’m comfy dating, I’m only comfy dating women with kids at this point.

My kids frequently give me 3am wake up calls. I need someone who understands the struggle .

 

[Aspychata]

I have to say you are passionate which comes across as too strong. I think passion is a beautiful thing and don't beat yourself up. So many of us are meh when it comes to romance. Passion is what keeps it alive year after year.

@Thinx is excellent at their take also. But between you and me- long live passion because your spirit will always be remembered by all the people you helped in your occupation. Sorry to hear of your divorce but just take baby steps. This is safer.

It's beautiful that you are there for your kids. This will let them know that you really care about them. My daughter did end up on anti-depressants a year after l left, my divorce from bipolar, however she brought herself in for help, which l am so proud of. (Crying in background, sniffles). She is now a year away from finishing college and going on for her masters.

 

[Suzette]

@Crysalis99,

There is a world of difference between you feeing your chemistry and actually being interested in someone else. And the difference shows!
If you put people on pedistals they can't be simply human. It feels nice to be complimented and admired. It also feels like a burden because if you do anything that might be unworthy of that pedistal you risk loosing love. So you are always walking on egg shells.

 

[Crysalis99]

Sorry to hear of your divorce but just take baby steps. This is safer.

I do consider myself passionate.

The first woman I saw for three months right after the crap storm began, she ended things with me because she said I was “too intense”. It was five or so months ago but I finally understand what she meant.

But on point, I suck with those baby steps.

 

[Crysalis99]

Just a small tangent here.

I’m geek at my core. Used to be apart of resetera community which I’m sure some of you have heard of. I used to feel ostracized there despite it touting itself as an inclusive sort of geek membership. Just ended up being more toxicity.


But here…I feel at home for the first time in a long time. Thank you all for the inclusion

 

[Aspychata]

Just a small tangent here.

I’m geek at my core. Used to be apart of resetera community which I’m sure some of you have heard of. I used to feel ostracized there despite it touting itself as an inclusive sort of geek membership. Just ended up being more toxicity.


But here…I feel at home for the first time in a long time. Thank you all for the inclusion

So glad to hear this. We listen and we support our kind. We don't judge your geek. That does sound funny. Let your geek run free with no judgements.

 

[Aspychata]

Just keep being yourself. Don't change for anybody.

 

[Crysalis99]

Just keep being yourself. Don't change for anybody.

I love this and is my life motto.

I am who I am.

Being a therapist, I’m all for introspection. But I refuse to allow myself be someone I’m not. I’ve had the unfortunate experience of doing that before. Not fun lol.

 

[Aspychata]

We need to be loved for who we are.

 

[OkRad]

Be yourself 100%. If someone loves you for you, you will be happy. If someone loves a a fake version of you, you will not be happy and you will have to keep it up.

Similarly, run away from anyone who is being a fake. They won't change and do not even know how to be an authentic person.

It's better to be alone that to be fake or live with a fake. But if you are you and you find love, then you will be very happy

 

[Thinx]

I guess the issue is also that whilst being ourselves can be great, it can be in those very areas of navigating relating where we function differently from many, and do not always pick up on cues or on what may work well for helping the other get to know us. Equally we may struggle to get who they are, and what they're apparent acceptance or uncertainty about us means.

BDP is a broad and not always helpfully explanatory label, but I expect you now feel like you understand how it has affected your ex in relating with you? But probably wasn't at the forefront of your thinking about her when your relationship began?

It sounds like your job requires you in some senses to be cynical or expect and deal with disturbing or unacceptable behaviours, and you want your personal love life to feel very different, of course.

How have your children been affected by the way the 3 recent relationships have gone would you say? Does their mum have access?

 

[Crysalis99]

I guess the issue is also that whilst being ourselves can be great, it can be in those very areas of navigating relating where we function differently from many, and do not always pick up on cues or on what may work well for helping the other get to know us. Equally we may struggle to get who they are, and what they're apparent acceptance or uncertainty about us means.

BDP is a broad and not always helpfully explanatory label, but I expect you now feel like you understand how it has affected your ex in relating with you? But probably wasn't at the forefront of your thinking about her when your relationship began?

It sounds like your job requires you in some senses to be cynical or expect and deal with disturbing or unacceptable behaviours, and you want your personal love life to feel very different, of course.

How have your children been affected by the way the 3 recent relationships have gone would you say? Does their mum have access?

I have not introduced my kids to any of my potential previous partners. My timeline is I want to be with someone for about six months before I introduce the kids to them. I am trying to be smart about dating post-marriage. I just get stuck in the "feelings" part.

The kids see their mother through court ordered visits however; it is only for a total of about 17ish hours bi weekly. No over nights. In fact, because of all of the ex's unresolved stuff, the court has concerns and current proposal is that the kids visit be split between the two kids because she can not handle both kids at once.

The ex has a lot of trauma. A LOT! And she also had two very horrible and toxic parents. The ex does not know how to be an appropriate parent.

I have texts in which she refers to the kids as "pieces of sh*t* and that sghe admits to doing the least possible for the kids (while she was a stay at home mom) because theyll grow up to be nothing.

Like I mentioned on the intro post, there is a reason I have custody.

 

[Suzette]

@Crysalis99, The fact that you put your kids first, and are cognizant of their feelings enough to go slow with potential partners, says a lot about you.

You have already reasoned yourself into responsible behavior, regardless of your feelings. While you may have strong feelings, those feelingscare secondary to doing the right think.

You say you are worried that you come off too intense, perhaps you just need to share more of how you put your kids first to your dates. That is important info for them to have as it helps them to know you are a more thoughtful and deliberate guy than they may think.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I have always wondered at the intersection of intensity and perceived neediness. You seem cogniscent about pacing in a relationship vis a vis your children. Now perhaps think about how your romantic intensity, however wholesome, may convey a sense of urgency to your dates. When I finally started dating, a lot of my potential romantic intensity gradually became redirected to an intensity towards my interests. That is what attracted my spouse to me, and the romantic intimacy blossomed after that initial mutual enjoyment of shared experience and interests. That pacing also did a lot to diminish my anxiety over intimacy, my being wholly inexperienced.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

A woman turned you down because you weren't dating someone else?

Just be glad she weeded herself out of your path.

Because with girls like that: