Struggling

[Owliet]

I am struggling again with myself and I don’t see my psych again for another two weeks although when I talked to him about it on Wednesday, it was promised that we would talk more about it next appointment but that doesn’t really seem to be helping me At the moment.

Background: I had a job for a year, from 2021-2022. the job ended in July. They offered me 30% but it wasn’t enough to live on (their words not mine). This week, work resumes for those in that occupation and it’s brought back home to me that I am yet again a loser.

I’m not dealing with it well at all. I have gone from doing 0 to 100 and now back to 0 again, and I’m trying to do things to be productive but this week has just felt like a weird uphill battle. I feel that everytime I look at myself in the mirror, I just see a loser with a capital L. I have tried to do things but my motivation to do much has disappeared. i feel extremely emotional and anxious. And find myself breaking down in tears often. It doesn’t help that I got another Rejection today, and maybe it’s just added to make things worse? I am also isolating myself from others again and I am starting to think that if I did it, then I wouldn’t worry about being a loser or anything else again.

in short, I am feeling like I just can’t handle things again. And this week, my mom had to go for something related to her heart. Now, she’s sleeping a lot and seems to be Exhauste. So an additional thing to worry about.

I think it’s not even the particular job , I think it was what It represented. A chance to be normal. A chance to not feel like my whole world is Small and lonely and isolated. i even did some form of socializing and had purpose and stability for a year, and I don’t even have any of that now. I’m socializing down to zero. I might as well be in negative numbers. It’s not even that I don’t want to but I’m not in the right frame set of mind to do that as people seem to like being around happy people without emotion baggage. And I seem to come with a ton of baggage and I’m not happy, And as for purpose And stability, that is non existent. Everything is so unpredictable and chaotic and uncertain. I have no routine now, and struggle to make a new one.


I know that it’s not normal to respond like this, I also know that rejections in jobs are a part of life. I get told this a lot and logically I know. But emotionally, it doesn’t help aand doesn’t seem to understand that side.

I just want to achieve something that is a normal expectation. I can’t offer anyone anything without a job, being jobless again means that I’m a failure. And I just feel so uh hurt, sad. AngEr. I just feel like I am spiraling down again. I feel too emotional, too many emotions and I feel like they will burst out and I don’t know what to do.
im sorry if none of this makes sense, I feel confused myself. Feel like I’m just disjointed and messed up pieces and my head not a good place to be in right now. I would like to have hope but I don’t have hope anymore.

 

[Aspychata]

Why do we have such a hard time with jobs? It's like the biggest question l have. Sorry that you are feeling down about this. Sorry that your mother's health is questionable. I feel like right when something is going good, then something screws up. Oh dear. Take care of yourself.

 

[AutisticMilly]

I don’t know if it helps, but I am also having a similar feeling. I’ve been rejected by every job I’ve applied for (for whatever reason) and I’ve been looking for over 2 months now. I feel like more of a failure every day.

The truth is, the workforce is not made with autistic people in mind. We have to work harder to find, apply for, and keep jobs. If you’re hoping to be employed again, just remember that you don’t have to settle for anything. You’re allowed to be selective and chose something that you think will be suitable for your needs. Good luck to you.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Your rejection of work that does not provide a living wage should make you feel good. You understand your value. But I see that you do not feel that worth is being validated by the employer. That happens, and I hope you will continue plugging away, putting one foot ahead of another to gain another job that is a good fit for you. Your goals are admirable and it seems you want a relationship and feel living independently with a job is part of that. Bravo. Understand that what you are experiencing is part of coping with independent living. You are worthwhile.

 

[Fino]

It's because of capitalism that your self-worth is tied to your productivity.

 

[Thinx]

Surely to be fair to yourself you must factor in that you are carer for your mum whose now at a very advanced stage of cancer? It must be so hard to do that and go to full time work? I do think you may benefit from considering no longer giving up all your own prospects in order to care for your mother. Your sister's there, they get on well, maybe find a job elsewhere and move out? You have done your part, I would say. I'm sure you'd do fine if you weren't tied down by caring.

 

[Aspychata]

Surely to be fair to yourself you must factor in that you are carer for your mum whose now at a very advanced stage of cancer? It must be so hard to do that and go to full time work? I do think you may benefit from considering no longer giving up all your own prospects in order to care for your mother. Your sister's there, they get on well, maybe find a job elsewhere and move out? You have done your part, I would say. I'm sure you'd do fine if you weren't tied down by caring.

Understand where @Thinx is coming from. I like to be careful and say, it's very difficult when it's your mother and you are very close. You are struggling with a lot of emotions and worried about your mom. Things are difficult right now. I am thinking moving is rated as a very stressful thing to do, and this may not be a good time to move. It's just going to overwhelm you. I hope you aren't falling into a depression, it does sound like you are depressed. Maybe you need to take a day off and just give yourself downtime, and possible some time to heal yourself of all that's going on. I know your mother is grateful that you are there for her.

Caring is part of being in a family. I am not sure if all of us can shrug off caring for a love one, be it a partner, a family member, or even our animals. I would feel guilty if l left my mom, l would still want to be there for her. This maybe what @Thinx is expressing, that you just feel like you are being pulled in many directions right now in your life, and not to lose sight of employment opportunities.

 

[Shevek]

I am trying to learn the attitude of a good salesman. If he can't make a sale, he just tries the same pitch next door, or a very close variation of it, rather than trying to write a whole new one. You can think of yourself as a key that is just right for one lock, but you have to try a pile of them to get the match. Other people may have master keys, but ours still work. I generally tried to find customers directly, not a job, as there is a lot more variety in people than businesses. One couple hired me because I resembled their son.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

It's because of capitalism that your self-worth is tied to your productivity.

One thing I have learned over the years life is not a big monopoly game. What you should really seek is happiness.

 

[Aspychata]

Or my best jobs, my bosses where on the spectrum, or they were hands off, they didn't micromanage me. So a great boss makes drudgery doable.

Which reminds me of my psycho boss lady in one job. So l had to call to schedule insurance exams. But we had a crazy boss lady who was clearly on medication. She would blowup for no reason at all, then next day, show up with a huge box of donuts. I left that pretty fast, l couldn't hang with that. She went from zero to a 1000 on the anger scale like an Indi 500 race driver, and you had zero clue of what provoked her. Too abusive. We all have horrible boss stories, and there are books on this even. So don't be too hard on yourself. Employees gang up all the time on new hires too. The workforce is a hard place to succeed in.

 

[Owliet]

I have read responses and I will try to respond back when I’m in a better head space beca I seem to be going back and forth in the number of days when I’m ok enough to function. Even if that occurs with some pushing on my part to be productive. Today, is really not great. I really feel like I am on a see-saw.Trying to keep a positive attitude and approach. I had hoped after a meeting I had on Friday would be the best boost to this, and it was until yesterday aand today. In this case, I don’t know what has caused i but I’m also having some issue with my hearing and feel muffled entirely, smaybe I have an infection and I am not realizing it is the cause? I don’t know. It also doesn’t help to say that I’m having a bit of a bad day or mental health breakdown and receive from both parents shouting at me and getting generally frustrated But the shouting could be because I can’t fully hear.

my heart feels really heavy, I have to really push myself to do things that are basic like hygiene needs. It’s not like I don’t want to Do anything but I just feel really out of sorts. really hate myself. I feel pathetic. And I don’t understand where that energy went from the weekend. I see my psych next week. I’m just tired of this. I want so much to be happy and Im just not. I keep going to the bathroom to lock myself inside in the dark to get a grip on myself and as soon as i think I’m ok to go out, something triggers me again and I go back to this.

i just don’t know what is really triggering me.
I think having no job = no purpose again is the Main cause but I feeling like there’s more to it than family situation and uncertainty about not having a routine mixed with isolation and anxiety. But I seem to be having a lot of negative thoughts and emotions about myself and maybe subconsciously , without really realizing where it’s going, it results into something again an d I get upset. I just feel really empty and dead inside. As emo dramatic as that sounds, I just feel empty yet extremely emotional. And, I’m not PMS. Feel very tired and have limited appetite or joy in most things.
maybe tomorrow will be better. Mean, I did do something today but it’s so minor but I guess I have to take it and look at it as if it’s a victory Even if it’s minor things.

 

[Forest Cat]

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

@Owliet. I hope you have memories of your successes, of doing better than people's expectations for you. Keep them in mind and even if they do not correlate directly with what is triggering you, you can remember the positive. I have been learning that in relation to things that have triggered my PTSD.