Studying for until late 20s to the detriment of dating/social life

[Lundi]

I think that my situation is a bit known here, so I will skip it. Anyway I spent most of my life, since age 4 or 5 up to age 28 studying hard, to the detriment of both my dating and social life. If you can call it that, because usually I have had no dating nor social life.

In high school I was studying most of the time, often until 1 or 2 in the morning, having to wake up early at 05.30 to go to school, then repeat each day. University was similar, except that I could wake up later. But still, I studied in my "free time" which was not really free time, and I basically did not hang out much with friends nor go on dates. Absolutely no time at all to date or go out with friends.

My social and dating skills in my late 20s were so poor that probably a teenager had better skills that I did. I felt that with three different STEM degrees, I had accomplished something. Yet my desire to have regular friends plus a girlfriend have year after year been stymied by my stunted social skills, Asperger's, social anxiety, awkwardness and what not.

I feel like now, at age 30, I am so far behind in social/dating world. In university I always thought to myself, "It would be nice to have a girlfriend", before I returned to earth and said, "Now, back to studying in my room for 10 hours." It feels like all this studying helped me academically, but screwed me badly socially and dating-wise. On a date I could easily talk about non-linear dynamics with partial differential equations, or designing a multi-batch reactor system in a chemical plant, or the effects of Mg2+, K+ on receptors of the gastrointestinal tract, but who the hell else wants to talk about this on a date? Or at least, that was the reaction that I got here.

And I am not done yet. I plan to apply to medical schools in Europe next year or the year after. So I will yet again be stuck in study mode to the detriment of social/dating life.

Is this common and how did anyone solve this?

 

[Illkurok]

Do you ever get tired of posting threads like this? I mean seriously, it's just the same topic rehashed each time.

 

[paloftoon]

The only way to solve this besides stopping your studies is to date someone in your field or where you go to school. This field is intense like that. It is the nature of the beast unfortunately. I was in a similar predicament, although I was not involved in fields as intense as the medical field and wonder if I really would've had the stamina for it. Especially with all the negativity and struggles and misunderstandings I faced despite an analytical mind.

 

[GadAbout]

There's no need for dating skills if you tense up any time anyone touches you.

Just be one of those highly accomplished academic geniuses.

I don't think I would want you as my doctor though... just saying. Maybe a research doctor.

 

[Lundi]

Do you ever get tired of posting threads like this? I mean seriously, it's just the same topic rehashed each time.

No.

 

[Lundi]

There's no need for dating skills if you tense up any time anyone touches you.

Just be one of those highly accomplished academic geniuses.

I don't think I would want you as my doctor though... just saying. Maybe a research doctor.

Nice passive-aggressiveness. Maybe San Francisco's style is spreading to other parts of the world.

 

[Kalinychta]

As Illkurok pointed out, you post threads over and over about the same topic: you. You and your social and romantic difficulties and how much you hate San Francisco. I don't think I've ever seen you comment on anyone else's thread. If you want to improve your social skills, start here on this forum. Comment on other people's threads. As soon as your old threads stop getting new posts, you create a new thread about the same thing. Take an interest in other people, and your social and romantic problems will begin to sort themselves out.

 

[Lundi]

It does not feel at all to me to be the same thing as my other threads.

Unless I am seeing something completely different to what others are seeing?

 

[tducey]

I suggest expanding your horizons. Find a new activity.

 

[Streetwise]

It does not feel at all to me to be the same thing as my other threads.

Unless I am seeing something completely different to what others are seeing?

You started off slightly differently and then went back to exactly the same

 

[Lundi]

To me this seems like a completely different issue.

I must be imagining things then, because it seems completely different in my eyes.

 

[Fino]

I believe people who are saying this is the same as other threads are looking at the problem you mentioned, the lack of social skills, the lack of dating, etc.

What you're looking at when you say it's different is what you've described as the cause of this problem, the studying to the exclusion of all social activity.

I've always done similarly, reading, playing piano, and other solo activities, which made my social skills non-existent until I started working, my first job being in a movie theater. I was like an alien at first but after many years of working, I went from freakish to just a little weird.

Have you never had a job?

 

[Lundi]

Yet another passive-aggressive reply?

 

[Fino]

Not to my knowledge!

 

[Nitro]

Yet another passive-aggressive reply?

Answer my PM now please

 

[Bolletje]

I always studied hard as well, but I made sure to include some extracurricular activities as well. I was an editor and writer for our faculties magazine and made friends with the other students working on the magazine. We’d study together and a few of us regularly went on a weekend break to unwind together.
I also made sure to plan some relaxation time, in which I’d frequent bars and clubs. This netted me a few friends and improved my social skills.

I’ve been through med school and although it takes up a lot of your time, it’s not impossible to have a social life in the evenings and weekends. However, it takes some effort to do so and you will often be too tired to want to do something. That’s why socializing with fellow med students is something that happens a lot, because you won’t have to make excuses for being tired and talking about your studies all the time.

I guess what I am trying to say is that studying hard doesn’t necessarily exclude the possibility of a social life, but you do have to go out there and make it happen yourself.

Bonus thought: if your social skills are as abysmal as you claim, why not take a class that teaches social skills?

 

[paloftoon]

It's hard to do stuff outside a medical life. You can sign up for events/activities that are one time type of thing. It's not the same experience, but you don't have a choice unless you're a genius that can handle the studies and manage a social life.

Those people do exist, but most of those people tend to be overly snobby naturally.

Might be worth investing the art of hookups, but then figure out how you want one. Like do you still want to attempt the emotional connection? If so, make that clear to the people you interact with. Maybe don't invest in actually dating because that requires quality social skills in some manner, and make that clear to the people you interact with in dating contexts beforehand.