Sudden changes in plans?

[Soup]

I don't know about you guys, but for me, this is one of the worst things that can happen.

Last week, we planned to go to ---> home - Parc Safari . We meant my husband & daughter. It's a wonderful place & the website doesn't really show how great it is. So...this morning, I'm getting ready to go when, all of a sudden, my husband says, YOUR MOTHER'S COMING WITH US. I immediately shut down. I mean catatonic frozen to the spot.

I see now how he was in an awkward social spot (something neither of us is good at) & he said yes. I've written about my NT mother in other threads: she's a chatterer & a socializer &, if you're not careful, a touchy-feeler.

Now, I'm completely overwhelmed, stressed-out & I don't want to go. If stay home, I'll ruin things for everyone else. I HATE when this kind of thing happens.

 

[Amity Alpha]

In your place, I'd have reacted pretty much the same way. Plans have to be made well in advance and if any changes are made then I need to know about them ASAP so that I have time to process. Otherwise? The situation immediately becomes high-stress.

Can't you make some sort of excuse about feeling physically unwell and thus stay at home without having to divulge what exactly it is that's stressed you out? Sure, your family might be disappointed that you're not going with them, but if you're beginning the day already overwhelmed, you're not likely to be good company anyway. It's one of those situations where you need to put yourself first.

 

[Arashi222]

I too have issues in which a change in plans becomes quite distressing. I have to know about plans at least 2-3days in advance. I get very very upset if they change the day of or if say like the bus is late or my friend suddenly has to go rescue 7feral cats from her mother. Now that situation worked out and we still hung out at the precise dictated time. But I was starting to freak out because I didn't get her PM from a different forum until twenty minutes before she was supposed to arrive. So for me I don't shutdown I start ranting. Not to her but to the empty house. I meltdown. You are not alone though soup.

 

[King_Oni]

If I'm involved in planning something I want to have a clear outline about what's the plan... preferably written. If it chances, I'm not participating, because I didn't agree on THOSE plans.

In your case I'd willingly ruin it for everyone, just because no one stuck to the plan as well as the involvement of a new person might not be much in my favor. That's 2 reasons already why it shouldn't sit well with me.

Just for that reason alone I never make plans with other people and do stuff on my own and if others are involved I'm the one who made the plans and drags others along. Perhaps I'm a bit of a control freak for that.

It doesn't mean that every change of plans is a big drama with me, but a lot of times I can see where it's going and that I'm not liking it. If I don't see a lot of problems in it, I don't mind it that much, though it's still a matter of principle I guess, since I don't understand why to make plans if we change them around all the time.

 

[Christian T]

I used to be unable to cope with last-minute changes - especially on Friday night, when I always get to watch a movie of my choice, it's been that way for years and it's never gonna change - but I've actually become for flexible with this through practice and desensitisation - a bit like how Lyra Belacqua could eventually separate herself from her daemon, if anyone gets that reference - so, is it likely that any of you four will get used it too, I wonder?

 

[King_Oni]

I used to be unable to cope with last-minute changes - especially on Friday night, when I always get to watch a movie of my choice, it's been that way for years and it's never gonna change - but I've actually become for flexible with this through practice and desensitisation - a bit like how Lyra Belacqua could eventually separate herself from her daemon, if anyone gets that reference - so, is it likely that any of you four will get used it too, I wonder?

Flexibility in personal routines (friday night = watching movie) is different than flexibility in making plans for a one off deal. I'm not a person for routines... my days are never the same, nor are my weeks. I don't go for a lot of repetitive patterns and/or routines. But if I have plans that change, I wonder why we even made plans.

I tend to live my own life and as such everything I want has to fit in my life. If plans keep changing they do not fit my criteria to participate and I'm not willing to be part of it.

 

[Christian T]

Okay, fair enough, they are two different things. But I've still become more flexible with plans that aren't routines, so - more specifically now - is it likely that any of you four will get used it too, I wonder?

 

[Arashi222]

Here's a question to answer your Question Christian T. Do we have to get used to it? I mean I get that sometimes plans change, but usually there is more than ample time to change them. None of this last minute stuff. I just am wondering why have to get used to it changing when more the most part at least for my life I have a consistent routine that does not change on a day to day basis. I know well ahead of time of plans for the week. Or any possible changes that the week might impose. So my question is Do we have to get used to it? Or maybe is it helping those around us to understand that its very very difficult for those of us on the spectrum to differing degrees to change plans and get out of our routine. Because we need that structure?

 

[Amity Alpha]

Okay, fair enough, they are two different things. But I've still become more flexible with plans that aren't routines, so - more specifically now - is it likely that any of you four will get used it too, I wonder?

It depends how you define 'get used to it,' I guess. I don't expect that I'll ever be comfortable with it. However, I've got better coping strategies than I used to have: when my boss suddenly changes plans at work, for example, I can't afford to over-react. My internal stress level skyrockets, but it's important enough to me that I manage to keep the anxiety inside and go along with the new plan. I'll be on-edge for the rest of the day and probably exhausted at the end of it, though.

In a more informal situation, such as an outing or disrupted routine at home, the cost-benefit analysis comes out differently and I'd rather object to the changes than go through the stress of adapting. Your example made me smile because when I was younger my family had a designated 'takeaway food and movie' night, and I really couldn't understand why it didn't seem to bother my siblings when something came up and we had to do something different.

For me, as I've gotten older I've had more freedom to set my own plans and routines, and outside of the work environment nobody really has a strong influence over them. I'm quite good at saying no to friends and family to avoid situations where I'd become anxious. I can't really see myself becoming more flexible than I already have.

If you don't mind me asking, Christian T, what prompted you to want to desensitize yourself to last-minute changes and such? As I've been writing, I've realized that not only do I not expect I'll ever get used to it; in a way, I don't want to. Making or changing plans at the last minute, except in cases of emergency, strikes me as almost rude. (That's probably a personal preference and I'm aware that some people relish spontaneity - I'm just not one of them and probably wouldn't mesh well as a friend with someone who was).

 

[HelloDizzy]

I hate sudden changes in plans. Hate. I react badly. I become very agitated and could have meltdowns.
If I'm with one friend and said friend has sudden company, it's not good.

 

[RubenX]

I also have problems with sudden changes. The most common in my case is the "side trips". If we get out to buy some groceries, my plan is to get the said groceries and come back. But once we are out, the people with me start suggesting side trips... lets stop here to eat some food, lets stop there to see the shoes on sale, lets also stop over there to get some cigarettes... or the mother off all side trips: "Lets visit my friend on our way back".

 

[King_Oni]

Here's an interesting scenario I encountered in life when I had a job. And it fits right in with this kind of subject.

Story time... gather around people.

I used to work at the warehouse of a big manufacturer of medical equipment and more specifically, I worked at a department that packaged mostly pacemakers. Within that process of packaging the entire product there were 9 steps in the entire process and you needed to be formally trained by everything, sign for it, the whole deal.

In general you'd have a planning twice a day, so you'd do one task one half, one task the other. That was quite manageable... in terms of "change".

Then, comes a new manager and the introduction of a electronic clock to register what you're doing.

Rules on the floor changed and what happened was that both I as well as he kept an eye out where I needed to jump in and help out (and that went for the entire department; and as such wanted to make sure he everyone was trained in every part of the process). While I could see his aim for flexible employees, the workflow shifted so bad, that you'd sometimes be stuck in doing 2 tasks at the same time, and be expected to be not walking, but running across the department, spending more time at the electronic clock to punch in whatever you did for 2 minutes back and forth. (and it got worse on late shifts, since we were short on people)

As such it also occured that you sometimes needed to first get settled, some tasks required easily 10 minutes... it came about that you couldn't sit down and focus to finish them. You pretty much had to... well, for lack of a better expression "sleep with one eye open".

I don't neccesarily mind that change, but much like some I might go in shutdown mode, and that's something I can't use, especially not if we're talking employment. I have to be functional all the time at my best (at least, that's what I understood). And as such I got bad reviews because I was unable to adapt at a moments notice (as in within 30 seconds; get up and run).

I think in that period of my life I had a sheer overload of "trying to adapt to change". And probably mentally blocked it out enough to have a hard time dealing with change in general. I also got kinda paranoid by always needing to be aware of everything around me.

So change... I'm really weary and feel that some people should be way more aware that the change they impose upon others can have a pretty severe outcome. It's the same job I ended up at a therapist for, partially because of this stuff going on.. and I wasn't really aware that change might be such a big issue for me.

 

[ravendragonwing]

Had a mini-meltdown at work today because of sudden change. Why is it not ok for me to be upset when I am told that in the middle of my experiment that I had to stop and move everything I was working on somewhere else so the other section could use the space on Fri?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! And the fact that my supervisor knew this on Fri and didn't tell anyone? Plus the fact that there is no where else to go because of renovations???
Grrrrrrrrrr
Took me 3 hours to calm down enough to even start my planning again. I have to plan everything, from taking a shower to getting to work. That is how my brain works, I need time to plan!

 

[Margaretha]

Parc Safari looks like a fun place. I know how you must feel, wanting to go with just your husband and daughter. Maybe you can make other plans for just the three of you.

Sometimes you have to make the best of a bad situation. Just think of it as doing something kind for your mother, maybe she is lonely and really wants your company.

 

[Soup]

@ Margaretha: It is an amazing place. You get to interact directly with many animals & they've built spacious well-maintained habitats for the other animals so they have plenty of room to be themselves. I approached the situation as you would have: I made the best of it & tried to keep an inconspicuous distance from her. As soon as we got into the car for the 40 min drive, she began to chitter-chatter. It's not normal to talk for that long & not pass out.

Part of it IS that she's bored & lonely. My father is very old & quite deaf. She also is of the misguided belief that if she forces me to socialize, I'll magically become more sociable. That makes as much sense as screaming at a deaf person in the hope that his ears will magically begin hearing!

@King_Oni: We think of plans in much the same way. Why bother taking the time to make plans in the 1st place if nobody intends to respect them? Not only is last minute plan changing a trigger for most Aspies, it is rude & a physical inconvenience. When we make plans for a certain event at a certain time, we DON'T schedule that time slot for other things we have to do. That means scheduling them for another time. When someone suddenly changes plans on short notice, it can mean having to go through contortions to rearrange a bunch of other plans. AAUUGGHH!!!

 

[Christian T]

Arashi222, my view is similar to yours. I think it is just as difficult for aspies - those who can't cope with those types of changes - as it is for NTs, because they like the flexibility and spontaneity of them. To say that aspies should just get over it is putting unfairly huge pressure on them to deal with their anxiety, and likewise if we ask NTs to follow plans to the letter, as this is very limiting for them. There needs to be a middle ground.

Amity Alpha, I also think these changes can be inconsiderate, and I'm glad that you can speak up about them in informal situations. It is presumptuous to expect everyone to be fine with the new plan at a moment's notice just because it suits you. I never wanted to become desensitised, it just happened over time, and it's handy to no longer have that anxiety over it, as it's a very common habit among NTs.

I'm not saying that this is something any of you have to get used to, but I know that the flexibility of being able to cope with sudden changes is liberating having come by it organically.

Although, you all seem to have a very firm stance on this matter and are determined to keep this part of yourselves - I wholeheartedly respect that. Don't let anyone force you to change.

 

[buckyboy14]

Plans changing is one of the WORST things for me. Even if they're extremely minor, like changing where we're going out to eat, I have to be told in advance, otherwise, I often bottle up the emotions and come off very snappish and grumpy.

 

[Soup]

After the plan change fiasco with my mother on Sun, Mon. rolled around. I had no choice but to physically go to the grocery store because many of the things I needed weren't eligible for the internet shopping option. So, I make plans & organize myself to go. She comes upstairs insisting on going with me because she needs groceries too. NO PROBLEM, I said: give me your list & I'll pick your stuff up for you. GREAT! So I take the list, get myself together & I'm on my way out to the car when....she comes running out with her freakin' shopping cart. PLAN CHANGE! She insists on me driving her to the pharmacy with her cart.

SO...she climbs into the passenger seat (I gave her back the list) & off we went, out of my way as the pharmacy is in the opposite direction of the bank & the grocery store I had to go to. SHE BEGAN TALKING & DIDN'T STOP UNTIL SHE GOT OUT OF THE CAR & SHOT THE DOOR!!! AAUUGGHH!!! I continued on my way feeling myself beginning to shot down & zone out. This is NOT a state of mind (or mindlessness) conducive to safe driving. Sooo...I stopped in a parking lot & just stopped for a while, zoned out completely & kind of Aspied out. When I returned, an entire hour had elapsed. It was time I really couldn't afford to squander BUT it was much better than trying to drive in a zoned out state. Normally, I can function well when zoned out: the body goes into auto-pilot & keeps doing what it is supposed to do. With driving, though, I avoid doing this because it is a very complex task with significant unpredictability factors (a kid running out of nowhere after a ball, a can suddenly appearing in the middle of the street, people who run red lights etc.). Being zoned out works well with rote tasks involving low risks but I'd hate to run someone else over because I chose to drive while at 1/2 mast.

I think that age might make these kinds of changes more bearable for Aspies since by the time an Aspie's been at it for decades, we've developed strategies for making sudden changes without going into a melt-down. Compromises like this are the worst for me. As bad as a prickly sweater with a tag irritating my neck & as bad as someone drilling with a jack-hammer while cars jostle & honk & someone blabbers at me. It was HARD!