Suicidal because of trust issues and losing best friend

[vincentcaulfield]

Hello.
I have a friend, and we both have huge trust issues (and non of us has any diagnosis but in awaiting mine).
I have real trouble letting people in, because I know how much they'll hurt me, or eventually hurt me. As soon as I start caring about them I also care immensely about what they're saying and thinking.
My friend has a best friend whom she's just "lost", and that best friend won't tell her why she's leaving her or why she won't talk to her at all. She's never lost any friends before and is experiencing this just now, how much it hurts because this best friend of hers is her centre, is everything she cares about, the only thing she thinks about.
I know her through the Internet and we live in different countries, but we started talking because we could relate to each other and what we've felt and thought, how we've reacted towards different events etc. We are basically the same, almost like copies of each other.
The thing is, her best friend leaving her is making her suicidal. She has nothing to live for anymore and have no energy to think about other relationships/friendships than that with the friend who has left her.
I choose not to let her in and denied her being important to me really long. But then eventually I did let her in, and I let her become a centric person in my life because I've never met anyone i could relate to before, who actually understood my vulnerabilities and insecurities.
I now feel the same as her, because I'm afraid of loosing her, that she'll kill herself one night and I won't ever know it or be able to prevent it from happening.
Nothing I say can help her but I wish I could, and I'm the worst at socialising and I can't come up with nice ways to support someone other than concrete examples of how to deal with things - but since this is the same struggles I've been facing too I don't know what good I can say to her about it.
Now we're both feeling awful about that "best friend" of ours, she of hers and me of her.
If someone knows how to ease the pain, for both of us, how to be able to trust people again (because we know that people might be sincere when saying they're always going to be there and that one is important but still, that can change and I can't let someone in and then know they'll most certainly going to disappear in one way or another).
I don't know what to do, thanks for reading this.

 

[GloriaH]

First, hi, and thanks for using the message board. No matter if someone is an aspie or not, everyone, at some point, is in pain because of relationships. We just seem to experience feelings more intensely. If your friend is letting you know she is suicidal, it's serious, and it's wonderful to know she must really trust you with that. Is there anyone in her life, besides you, that she can talk to? Someone near her or even able to help her? I could not tell anyone about my thoughts of suicide when my first real relationship ended badly. I had no "you" to turn to. The thing was, I felt that no one would be able to help me anyhow. Also, I felt stupid for being suicidal and didn't want anyone to know. She has you and you might want to try and persuade her to talk with someone local. If this sounds right to you, please try and reassure her that no one will be mad at her or laugh at her. These days, people usually take that seriously, especially professionals. Wish for all of us more trust and love. It seems we all have to go through these wrenching feelings, no matter what problems we have or don't have. Thank you for being a good and true friend. Let her know I am wishing for her highest and best, if it seems OK to do that.

 

[The Penguin]

She has nothing to live for anymore and have no energy to think about other relationships/friendships than that with the friend who has left her.

I do know I been abandoned by family and friends and decided is best for people to depend on their on self instead of other people. Making these changes and find other things making me feel better made a difference for my life. Though this approach might not work for everyone needs to depend on people.

 

[hiraeth]

So, I can relate to having general trust issues and not being able to let people in for fear that they will leave. At the same time I also had recently my closest friend tell me that she was going to kill herself and then disappeared. Yes I've been feeling like that I want to join her, but no, I'm not angry at her, I don't think she betrayed me, and I don't take it personally. In fact I feel like her telling me rather than simply just disappearing is a great act of trust and honour and I'm really glad that she did - keep her promise, as it were, to let me know if it ever happens. So it's very interesting actually to observe, how utterly different it is for me compared to when a friend exits my life because they got tired of me, because they see me as an impediment to their progress or that they've simply naturally progressed to a state where I am to be forgotten and left behind. This kind of loss feels like a betrayal and makes me never want to trust again, but the other kind, like recently, doesn't at all.

You may well be doing the best that you can for your friend, and that may well be a lot. Not all questions can be answered clearly and definitively, certainly deep rooted ones can't be within a day or a few. The two of you are standing together in a kind of shared understanding that needs no words and extra explanations. You get each other. You are not alone. That is the most precious kind of support in the world. Don't worry about finding words, because people who understand each other's inner tendencies to such a level may not need so many of them in order to communicate successfully. Be present. Be consistent. And take care of yourself, so that you'll be able to take better care of her too.

 

[WereBear]

It is very difficult to handle intense feelings, and if this is the first time your friend is dealing with such issues, that makes it more difficult.

To be there for them is a great thing to do. Try to let them know that the intensity of bad feeling will lessen and encourage them to hang in there.

I will never forget the words of someone who survived their bridge jump suicide attempt. They said, "On the way down, I realized all my problems were solvable. Except this one."

But they solved that one, too.