Suspect my boyfriend has Aspergers

[SamD]

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. We are in our late 20s and in the last 6 months we moved in together. He has problems socially and doesn’t have many friends or lasting friendships. He has trouble verbalizing his emotions or showing much emotion. I didn’t notice right away, but over the last few years it’s started to add up. It also helps that my younger brother also has Aspergers and has been diagnosed. My boyfriends is less awkward social interaction and more just unable to feel and express much emotion, not waiting to have sex as often as I would like and having narrow hobbies or things he likes as well as being in autopilot and not liking deviating from his normal plan. Long story short I have started to realize it is a major issue in our relationship and the cause of the majority of our fights. We have discussed marriage and I love him. He is a great person, but we have been fighting often and he said the other day he was no longer sure about marriage for us. But no has taken it Back but doesn’t seem as confident. This makes me less confident and wonder if he can really work on things and if we can be happy. Any advice or insight would be great.

 

[SamD]

** I didn’t mention his lack of emotional expression or support and the way he isolated himself sometimes make me feel unappreciated, unwanted and resentful. I have always been very confident and outgoing and the last few months I feel I have lost myself.

 

[H-Kath]

There really isn't a way for anyone on the internet to know based on that description. If it's something you can bring up to him and he's willing to do a prescreen and talk to a doctor if advised to do so that's a possibility. Now if he does and it turns out he's Autistic, what are you hoping happens from there?

It sounds like you're deeply unhappy in your relationship right now. Getting a diagnosis won't make someone suddenly need less alone time or emotionally expressive and it wouldn't be fair to ask someone to rewrite themselves into another neurotype. To be honest I think that these are things that could be worked on without involving a screening or a doctor. I think it's important to be able to go to your partner for emotional support. That means having an honest conversation and learning to understand the difference in needs and communication style. You'd need to learn to understand his needs and way of expressing himself while he'd need to put more effort into reassuring you that you are wanted and loved. Typically being the higher libido partner one of the things that's given me peace of mind is looking at sex as a kind of affection, and that when my partner isn't interested we can hug, cuddle or exchange I-love-yous.

Ultimately though, people change when they choose that for themselves. If you're both not committed to changing in the ways needed to work out these issues you'll more than likely continue to hurt like this. Do you have access to a therapist? Maybe someone that works on relationship issues can help support you through this.

Good luck to you! I hope you're able to work things out.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Long story short I have started to realize it is a major issue in our relationship and the cause of the majority of our fights.

You prefer not to plan ..

and the way he isolated himself sometimes make me feel unappreciated, unwanted and resentful

'make' ?
This belongs to you.
You may not understand why he isolates but your reaction is yours .
You need to understand why you do this.
Then you will be able to see him more clearly.

 

[Tom]

I think you have a pretty good understanding about what is going on. I agree with what H-Kath says. I think all relationships have issues and the main ingredient needed is a working method to resolve them and more then anything that both parties deeply want to. If he doesn't see the problem or feels no need to change you have a blockage. If he is on the spectrum he won't likely be able to change dramatically, but if he wants to/cares enough, he can modify things and compromise.

I have been married to NT lady for about 33yrs. It has been hard at times and we have had to work out many issues. It never really ends actually, the effort needed. But we never gave up, and it has been worth it. You always have to be willing to come back to the table and listen as well as speak.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I have been married to NT lady for about 33yrs

The first 30 are the worst. Amirite?