Taking ages to reply to Comments/PMs- does it bother you?

[SparklAng]

I was not exactly sure where to fit this, so I thought I would fit it under the category described as 'anything that doesn't fit somewhere else!' Sounds logical, I guess

I go through phases of time where I feel I can write/ speak and communicate with people, and others where I kind of just prefer keeping myself to myself. This makes it difficult to maintain friendships (online, especially)

I know it bothers me when someone takes a while to reply- just because I get anxious about why they have not. But I know I am pretty terrible at being active on any sort of forum/ social circle consistently. I was wondering if anyone had similar (or even very different feelings) on this matter- are long absences something anyone else here tends to do from time to time? Or does it really bother you when people are, for want of a better word, 'Flaky'? (I fall into both categories).

Just curious.

 

[Pats]

Two of my grown children are terrible at responding to anything in a reasonable amount of time. My oldest daughter will text me a question and I'll respond immediately and it might be days later before she sees my answer. I will PM them sometimes so I'll at least know they have seen it and know they are okay. But I finally have a thing that when I "Marco" any or all of them they know I'm getting worried and will respond "Polo". lol

 

[Cactus]

Me too. I'm going through a period of not commenting on this forum. It's like a series of hills and valleys. I find it difficult to maintain consistency in almost everything I do. I loathe this behavior in myself. I've never been successful in changing it, and I don't know why I do it. Now that I'm diagnosed I'm thinking it's part of the ASD.

 

[Judge]

Nope. Because for better or worse, most people are prone to responding based on their sense of time and priorities. Not that of others.

Where people may have their reasons. Or none at all.

Not necessarily an autistic trait, either. "Flaky" or not.

 

[On the Inside]

It bothers me sometimes that I am slow at replying. It gives me a great deal of anxiety.

I don't mind if others are slow. I know how it is, so in an exercise of self forgiveness, I forgive others with being slow to reply.

 

[Mr Allen]

I don't have that problem on here but emails! Grr! Some people just DON'T know how to communicate!

My Martial Arts instructor's a right nice bloke and an excellent teacher, but he NEVER responds to email correspondence because he always says he's too busy, although to be fair he does run 2 Businesses.

 

[Progster]

It does bother me when I write to students to arrange a time for their lessons, I suggest a time and ask them if it is ok, and then they don't bother to reply. The problem with this is that for me, knowing the time for the lesson is very important because I need to be organised and have a timetable, and after all, it's my livelihood and I depend on the lessons and everything running smoothly, but for them, it is trivial, not important, it is something that takes a very small space in their life, so they just don't bother. It's much more important for me than it is for them. It makes things extremely difficult and annoying for me, though.

Also: family members - I write and they don't reply - I phone when they are out/busy, but they never call back. Months will pass until they finally get round to writing or phoning, then when I ask them why they didn't return the call or reply to the email, I get: "I was too busy." So for a whole two months they were so busy that they couldn't find the time to make a 5 minute phone call or write a 5 minute email?? No, I don't buy that. It's just excuses and pathetic ones at that - if they had wanted to talk to me, they would have done so. I am out of sight, out of mind as far as they are concerned, not really a part of their lives and not on their radar.

As for here - I did send a PM to someone a while back and they never replied and haven't been back to the forum and I can't help wondering what happened, did I offend them or something?

 

[GrownupGirl]

I have this weird habit of asking questions but not always going back to check people's answers. Sometimes I don't really care about the answers because people all have varying opinions that just add to my frustration or confusion. I just want to get the questions out. Usually it's because I'm worried people's replies that will make me so upset or embarrassed my head will burst into flames.

 

[Peter Morrison]

Everyone has a different relationship to correspondence. Not everyone likes e-mail chit-chat either. If you need an answer to a question that is time sensitive, it's best to use the phone, or at least text. Remember that some people turn off their phones for a reason. I don't like feeling obligated to alter my schedule to accommodate another person's expectations. Have patience with others, especially those on the spectrum. "Not in the mood" has a deeper meaning for people with ASD than for the general population.

 

[the_tortoise]

I don't mind if people disappear for long periods. I miss them while they are gone, though (unless I'm going through my own distant/withdrawn period).

If they never contact me again I'm always sad and wonder what happened, but it doesn't annoy me.

 

[tducey]

Usually if someone contacts me I'll get back to them ASAP.

 

[Bolletje]

I go through cycles as well. I used to switch off my phone for a few days when I wanted some peace and quiet, but I stopped doing that because others freak out when they can’t reach me.

 

[Suzanne]

Does bother me, but try very hard to not let it bother too much.

As it happens, your thread has reminded me that I failed to respond to another aspie on here, so will immediately rectify that one.

I will not force etc someone to communicate with me. It is their choice. I may not be the "flavour" and so, who am I to force someone's "hand"?

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

It annoys me when people expect me to communicate on their schedule, and so it would be rather hypocritical of me to be upset when other people don't respond to me on my schedule.

I've noticed that some people have trouble realising that other people's lives don't revolve around replying to their messages. Personally if someone doesn't respond to me or stop communicating I just assume they're busy or have forgotten. I am often too busy to reply to random messages, or simply don't have the mental energy to do so, and being nagged by repeated messages wondering why I haven't replied only makes it that much worse.

 

[SparklAng]

I am often too busy to reply to random messages, or simply don't have the mental energy to do so, and being nagged by repeated messages wondering why I haven't replied only makes it that much worse.

I can relate. It also gets tiring apologising and trying to explain why you didn't reply.

 

[SparklAng]

If they never contact me again I'm always sad and wonder what happened, but it doesn't annoy me.

I tend to think about people I have lost contact with for a long time afterwards. Then they get really creeped out if I contact them on social media randomly a couple of years later

I guess 'mental' time passes at different rates for different people

 

[Sid Delicious]

"I tend to think about people I have lost contact with for a long time afterwards. Then they get really creeped out if I contact them on social media randomly a couple of years later

I guess 'mental' time passes at different rates for different people."

I've noticed this too. If I like someone, I will always like them despite not seeing/talking to them for ages. Their position in my mental 'social hierarchy' doesn't change based on time alone. Only on events that change my opinion of them (which takes a lot).

Although I've ghosted people in the past if I felt too close to them and needed to emotionally back off a bit before speaking to them again. There was a year long gap before I could reply to messages/emails from my ex after we broke up, as I was still attached to him and it was too painful to communicate to begin with. The same happened with a 'friend' I had back in college that I realised wasn't as sincere as I thought. She added me on Facebook when I first joined, but it was 9-10 months before I responded as I had to clear my head a bit first. She was then confused when I suddenly replied.

I think it's because I have a tendancy to 'over share' if I'm not careful, and if my relationship with someone is unbalanced (they like me more than I like them or vice versa) then I need time to decide if I still want to stay in touch and if so I have to mentally construct a barrier to avoid telling them exactly how I feel (which would likely wreck any relationship).

Perhaps everyone does this to some extent. But it takes me longer to decide what I can deal with and then adjust my behaviour accordingly.