I took control of my life because I was under the impression that's what I was supposed to do. But what I did to take control, what I interpreted from what I believed was expected of me, led me down a path that just didn't work. I thought I was doing the right thing. For a while it looked like I was succeeding. I was living a life. I was out in the world. I was making choices. I was enjoying myself.
I got things wrong though, sometimes very wrong, and it didn't make sense that it should be so hard. While other people made mistakes, they dealt with them differently, and it still worked out overall. I couldn't rely on anyone. I couldn't trust them to do it like me. I didn't want to be alone, but how could I disregard my own experience when I was expected to surrender to someone who didn't know what I knew.
They were just being who they were, just as I was who I was, and while I benefited from their support, I realised I had to do it myself.
But people got hurt along the way. And I felt bad when I really understood what caused it.
It's not about living in the past. Nor escaping from it or trying to lose it, but doing the work. Having looked at myself honestly. Having accepted my part. Not blaming. Not hating. Not even hurting, because if I do I haven't finished processing yet.
And there was a lot to look at, so it has taken time, and it's not finished yet, but enough has been done to accept I’m not perfect, so I cannot expect things to always work out perfectly.
And as I make peace with the past, I get lighter, which makes it easier to work on the rest.
All that matters is peace of mind, and peace of mind only happens if I'm at peace. I can't fake it. I can't drug my way into it. It has to be real. I have to be real, and nothing else matters but to work on that. I am the subject and the object. I watch what happens and I experience it. So that in any given moment I can have no doubt that what happens is exactly what has to. No doubt. And living in a state of no doubt, is a state of singularity; a state of connection and love.
I know this because this was how I experienced Israel. It just happened and I was along for the ride, and I was able to trust as if something divine was watching over me. And as things took place I knew they were good, and I could let go further, until eventually I realised there was nothing else but this, and every experience had been leading me to that understanding.
And this explains why it became so hard, because I've been so alone, and I don't really know what I'm doing on my own, not in that wonderfully orchestrated synchronistic way the Universe does. If I have to think of all the possibilities, I go round and around, and never get there.
In singularity, there's nothing to choose, and nothing that needs to. I must be here, and life works, in a simple and supportive way. I interact better as I know what to do, because each moment can be what it already is. There is no conflict. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is missing. It feels like love.
I got things wrong though, sometimes very wrong, and it didn't make sense that it should be so hard. While other people made mistakes, they dealt with them differently, and it still worked out overall. I couldn't rely on anyone. I couldn't trust them to do it like me. I didn't want to be alone, but how could I disregard my own experience when I was expected to surrender to someone who didn't know what I knew.
They were just being who they were, just as I was who I was, and while I benefited from their support, I realised I had to do it myself.
But people got hurt along the way. And I felt bad when I really understood what caused it.
It's not about living in the past. Nor escaping from it or trying to lose it, but doing the work. Having looked at myself honestly. Having accepted my part. Not blaming. Not hating. Not even hurting, because if I do I haven't finished processing yet.
And there was a lot to look at, so it has taken time, and it's not finished yet, but enough has been done to accept I’m not perfect, so I cannot expect things to always work out perfectly.
And as I make peace with the past, I get lighter, which makes it easier to work on the rest.
All that matters is peace of mind, and peace of mind only happens if I'm at peace. I can't fake it. I can't drug my way into it. It has to be real. I have to be real, and nothing else matters but to work on that. I am the subject and the object. I watch what happens and I experience it. So that in any given moment I can have no doubt that what happens is exactly what has to. No doubt. And living in a state of no doubt, is a state of singularity; a state of connection and love.
I know this because this was how I experienced Israel. It just happened and I was along for the ride, and I was able to trust as if something divine was watching over me. And as things took place I knew they were good, and I could let go further, until eventually I realised there was nothing else but this, and every experience had been leading me to that understanding.
And this explains why it became so hard, because I've been so alone, and I don't really know what I'm doing on my own, not in that wonderfully orchestrated synchronistic way the Universe does. If I have to think of all the possibilities, I go round and around, and never get there.
In singularity, there's nothing to choose, and nothing that needs to. I must be here, and life works, in a simple and supportive way. I interact better as I know what to do, because each moment can be what it already is. There is no conflict. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is missing. It feels like love.
