• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Talking to girls, why is it so difficult?

Tony Ramirez

Tony Ramirez

Forever Alone Aspie
V.I.P Member
Especially girls I don't know. This is not my normal rant but at Church today I saw a women sitting a few seats apart for me praying and crying. They said to confomt someone who you did not know. I wanted to comfort her but I was afraid and chicken out just to have another guy go up and comfort her.

They had a potluck after which I talked to my friend Justin who was talking to two women and I did say some words to them but if it was not for my friend I could never just go up to them to talk.
 
No matter how hard it may feel now, it gets better as you practice. The thing you must remember is that people, even the guys and couples you dislike, have needs and desires like you. When you understand that, the way for you now is to approach people and realize the common interest between you and those you meet.
 
I feel your pain. Why is it difficult? Because we are autistic, of course. So we have social anxiety due to failed attempts previously. My experience is helps to make friends with women who are not potential mates. This may lower your social anxiety.

An example I have is a woman at work who became friends with a male friend of mine when he comforted her when she was crying. Later I got friendly with her too. She was middle aged and unhappy in her marriage, but not interested in ending her marriage or being unfaithful, AFAIK. Of course, there were probably plenty of women at work that I could have been this close too, but her situation made it easy for my friend and I. I'm sure I could have found other women to be friendly with like this, but social anxiety would have made that difficult.
 
Tony Ramirez said:
Especially girls I don't know. This is not my normal rant but at Church today I saw a women sitting a few seats apart for me praying and crying. They said to confomt someone who you did not know. I wanted to comfort her but I was afraid and chicken out just to have another guy go up and comfort her.

They had a potluck after which I talked to my friend Justin who was talking to two women and I did say some words to them but if it was not for my friend I could never just go up to them to talk.
Click to expand...
I think maybe that's why the couples are trying to be friendly towards you Tony, so you can get some practice in talking to women
 
I can't easily do that either Tony. Just go up and talk to people in an unstructured social situation. Probably the most successful strategy for me has been to home in on someone who is alone, if they look approachable. But still I rarely do that. Its hard to know if they would want me to, or if they may be happy on their own. However I can fairly easily do it if I have a role like when I am teaching or counselling or volunteering etc. At purely social events I can easily spend the event alone.

But church isn't purely social, I would probably try talking about the content of the service with people, if I was feeling brave and saw someone I knew slightly. Also I might well try to approach someone who was upset, whatever their gender, to try to help just by listening or showing I care. It's good you felt concerned for the person crying, it was kind of you to think of comforting her.
 
For myself, it is highly dependent on the venue, social situation, any goals I might have given those, large group or small handful, or one on one. So, responses range from keeping to myself, IE: attend a seminar and leave.
Or attend a group social gathering in which I need to establish a presence (ie: appreciate the invite and presence of others), so courteously without being intrusive pleasant introductions and so forth, give compliments, find common ground, the float and then leave.
So, an older mentor told me long ago, "do the purpose". So, in keeping with that timeless directive, I stick to what the purpose is. Going to church service is being focused on that self/soul fullfilment, etc. An after church social coffee donuts thing is to be social and support others in the former spirit of worship and fellowshipping.
If one is a musician and singer and in a band in front of 500 people, then focus on "doing the purpose", entertaining, spreading happiness, etc.
Like this.
It is easier to stay focused on a single or a couple of objectives and do that. There's a construct to work with that limits anxiety and "feelings" and "self consciousness", et al.
But, everyone is different in these things.
Aloha
 
It's easier to talk to them when my friend talks to them like a proxy. Middle man. But on my own I freeze up. I keep looking at them not in a creepy way just a quick look here and there.
 
For what it's worth, a lot of us here freeze up at the thought of talking to ANYONE.

I personally tend to max out after saying "hi" to the gas station cashier. Granted I dont want to have a conversation ANYWAY, but still.
 
It is difficult because you are afraid of their response Your fear of possible negative responses is greater than your desire to communicate.
 
I freeze up talking to new people too. I pretty much suck at it. One thing I do though is watch how other people do it.
Usually the social types are simply friendly. They do their best to make the other person feel comfortable. Because, often, the other person feels akward about meeting others too.

I don't know if this will be helpful but my brother seems to always meet new people and he always has friends. He told me once that the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" really was a very good book and he uses what he learned from that. I thought he was joking but he wasn't!
 
Sunday try! To concentrate on the fact that it is a worship service you are there to worship, afterwards it's supposed to be fellowship with everybody ask somebody how are you? people are usually thinking about themselves
 
You shouldn't feel too bad, because really, guys in that situation and environment, should not comfort a female, because it can lead to unwanted issues. Sounds old fashioned, but in reality, complications can happen and in my faith, we are urged for sisters to comfort sisters and brothers to comfort brothers and more so, if the one in need of comfort is married.

For the longest time in my youth, I felt horribly uncomfortable around boys and used to zip across the road, if one was walking towards my way.
 
Suzette said:
They do their best to make the other person feel comfortable. Because, often, the other person feels akward about meeting others too.
Click to expand...
I second that! My anxiety when starting with the bike club was pretty high, but then I found that being friendly with people, asking them about how they were doing, listening and responding, I started becoming known and people seem to enjoy my company. @Tony Ramirez , all you need to do is say hello, introduce yourself, and ask a question about the service or whatever. This fall, when the colors were unusually brilliant, I would make an observation about how nice things are, or what we are seeing.

The only thing that will get you out of your rut is to practice, and practice again. And, stop being a sourpuss. If you ever want to maintain a relationship, you need to learn to communicate.
 
I was walking up the steps of the church the other night when I saw a woman walking a dog. So I smiled and said "Your dog just looks so happy!"
She took out her headphones and said "What?"
"Your dog looks very happy--what's its name?"
"Oh that's Nova; she's six months old--'
"Wow, she's happy--" (Meanwhile Nova was so happy she was play-biting my hand and my sleeve and one of her owner's headphones.) "Is she a bulldog?" I had to ask as I am not very familiar with bulldogs.
"Yes -- Blue Nose pit-bull; and we just got her not long ago--"
"Well she's cute." And we hung out for a few moments talking about dogs, raising pups, and playing with a very attention-hogging Nova.

I'm not only white but I "dress white." It was hard to get more stereotypically "white-person" than me going up the steps of a Roman Catholic church in Connecticut dressed in Harris tweeds, a cream-colored sweater, a brown necktie, and a pair of Confederate army trousers. On top of that I have a trace of a Southern accent, at least enough to get a ton of weird questions about "where are you really from?"

And it's hard to get more cool-modern-diverse than what this young African-American lady was wearing, which was all kinds of colorful jackets and generally a very proper sort of modern walking outfit. She had shaved off most of her hair and dyed the remainder a trifle lighter than her skin. A rather cool combination though she'll want a nice hat when the snow starts to fly. We aren't from the same subcultures but all you really need is a bit of a shared interest and the ability to just throw aside the worries and be open. Most folks are super friendly and want to share their own interests.

I missed her name as I didn't want to pry (or miss Mass) but I guarantee you that a few minutes of chatting later I could've probably asked for her telephone number and likely gotten it. Basically just go for it. I don't look at social interaction as a win- or -lose game but as experiences in a life, and it was nice to meet another happy person walking a happy dog on a nice Sunday evening.
 
Suzanne said:
You shouldn't feel too bad, because really, guys in that situation and environment, should not comfort a female, because it can lead to unwanted issues.
Click to expand...
But I thought I was suppose to try to talk to women. Also another guy did comfort her and she did not run away.
 
Tony Ramirez said:
But I thought I was suppose to try to talk to women. Also another guy did comfort her and she did not run away.
Click to expand...
Since you are often meeting people through church simply follow your church's custom.
@Suzanne may belong to a particular church with particular rules that not apply to you.
 
Gerontius said:
I was walking up the steps of the church the other night when I saw a woman walking a dog. So I smiled and said "Your dog just looks so happy!"
She took out her headphones and said "What?"
"Your dog looks very happy--what's its name?"
"Oh that's Nova; she's six months old--'
"Wow, she's happy--" (Meanwhile Nova was so happy she was play-biting my hand and my sleeve and one of her owner's headphones.) "Is she a bulldog?" I had to ask as I am not very familiar with bulldogs.
"Yes -- Blue Nose pit-bull; and we just got her not long ago--"
"Well she's cute." And we hung out for a few moments talking about dogs, raising pups, and playing with a very attention-hogging Nova.

I'm not only white but I "dress white." It was hard to get more stereotypically "white-person" than me going up the steps of a Roman Catholic church in Connecticut dressed in Harris tweeds, a cream-colored sweater, a brown necktie, and a pair of Confederate army trousers. On top of that I have a trace of a Southern accent, at least enough to get a ton of weird questions about "where are you really from?"

And it's hard to get more cool-modern-diverse than what this young African-American lady was wearing, which was all kinds of colorful jackets and generally a very proper sort of modern walking outfit. She had shaved off most of her hair and dyed the remainder a trifle lighter than her skin. A rather cool combination though she'll want a nice hat when the snow starts to fly. We aren't from the same subcultures but all you really need is a bit of a shared interest and the ability to just throw aside the worries and be open. Most folks are super friendly and want to share their own interests.

I missed her name as I didn't want to pry (or miss Mass) but I guarantee you that a few minutes of chatting later I could've probably asked for her telephone number and likely gotten it. Basically just go for it. I don't look at social interaction as a win- or -lose game but as experiences in a life, and it was nice to meet another happy person walking a happy dog on a nice Sunday evening.
Click to expand...
Being nice as an icebreaker . . . who woulda' thunk it. A lesson for people paying attention.
 
Tony Ramirez said:
Especially girls I don't know. This is not my normal rant but at Church today I saw a women sitting a few seats apart for me praying and crying. They said to confomt someone who you did not know. I wanted to comfort her but I was afraid and chicken out just to have another guy go up and comfort her.

They had a potluck after which I talked to my friend Justin who was talking to two women and I did say some words to them but if it was not for my friend I could never just go up to them to talk.
Click to expand...

and that`s why i`m avoidant of them like a ninja upon eye-contact,because of how i appear to them upon eye-contact.i would rather be approached by them while interacted with by them than approach them while interacting with them.
 
jared mills said:
and that`s why i`m avoidant of them like a ninja upon eye-contact,because of how i appear to them upon eye-contact.i would rather be approached by them while interacted with by them than approach them while interacting with them.
Click to expand...
Anybody would prefer not to put a fragile ego on the line and want people to approach them. The world does not work that way.
 
Gerald Wilgus said:
Anybody would prefer not to put a fragile ego on the line and want people to approach them. The world does not work that way.
Click to expand...
So true. I learned that the hard way. It does not matter where you go to socialize you find the same issue. The best way I find is through a friend. I would like to approach by myself but I am still afraid.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

New Threads

Top Bottom