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Telling NT online friend about Asperger's

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Dadamen

Well-Known Member
Just started to write about Asperger's to my online friend, texting with her for 4 months now. How do you think it is best to describe Asperger's so that she understands me. She is my age. I'm starting to be good friends with her and I want to say her that so she fully understands me and doesn't break that friendship after my first gap in social skills or a long message about my special interest.
 
One piece of advice I heard about disclosing is to point out the positive aspects of autism/Aspergers. People may have negative preconceptions and speaking to the positive traits may help .
 
I would say something like this:
I would like to share something with you about who I am. It's important to me to share it with you as I am enjoying our friendship and want to continue to better know and understand each other.
I am what they call Asperger's, or Autism Level 1. For me, that means I don't have any visually obvious disabilities, and I can take care of myself, but I do struggle sometimes with social interactions. I have to learn to understand social queues that come naturally to people who aren't AS. That includes facial expressions and tone of voice. It also means I will say somethings poorly in some cases that might cause offence even if I don't mean to.
It also means I have special interests in certain areas that I love to learn about in great depth and spend lots of time on. I often get excited about talking about those topics.
I hope all that makes sense. I really just think/act a little differently than others.
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Then I'd wait to see how she responds and go from there.
Also good to inject whatever strengths you have as a result of AS too.. Really good memory for facts? Very good at problem solving logically? Throw those in too.
 
This is where l take a different route then some people here.

Just be friends. You don't need to burden them with your itinerary of who be you. Friendship is just a laid back thing. It's the journey of friendship.

Hopefully they will be interested in the same things you like and will enjoying hearing your thoughts. It's your chance also to work on your communication style.
 
Aspychata said:
This is where l take a different route then some people here.

Just be friends. You don't need to burden them with your itinerary of who be you. Friendship is just a laid back thing. It's the journey of friendship.

Hopefully they will be interested in the same things you like and will enjoying hearing your thoughts. It's your chance also to work on your communication style.
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I think what you describe as friendship, I might just refer to as acquaintance.

To me, a good friend is someone I can take my masks off with and just be me. If I can't take my masks off, then the relationship is definitely going to consume more energy than it produces, and it's going to be exhausting.

Most of my current few friends have known me since before I knew I was AS. They are a few special people that had already accepted me without my masks anyways. Telling them I was AS made no difference to them since it didn't really change anything. I don't think we are any more of a burden as a result of telling people who we are, at least not to the right people.

My newest friend I told I was AS fairly early on as I figured it would make it easier for her to understand some of the quirks. Again, she accepted it readily, and after many examples, is gaining new understanding of how that affects our interactions. Her understanding has allowed me to see very early on that she is another very special person.

I work on my communication style with acquaintances. People I meet randomly here or there. Friends of friends, or just daily interactions with the same people more than once.. They are good for such practice.
 
Varzar said:
I think what you describe as friendship, I might just refer to as acquaintance.

To me, a good friend is someone I can take my masks off with and just be me. If I can't take my masks off, then the relationship is definitely going to consume more energy than it produces, and it's going to be exhausting.

Most of my current few friends have known me since before I knew I was AS. They are a few special people that had already accepted me without my masks anyways. Telling them I was AS made no difference to them since it didn't really change anything. I don't think we are any more of a burden as a result of telling people who we are, at least not to the right people.

My newest friend I told I was AS fairly early on as I figured it would make it easier for her to understand some of the quirks. Again, she accepted it readily, and after many examples, is gaining new understanding of how that affects our interactions. Her understanding has allowed me to see very early on that she is another very special person.

I work on my communication style with acquaintances. People I meet randomly here or there. Friends of friends, or just daily interactions with the same people more than once.. They are good for such practice.
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You seem to have lots of friends, not everyone is like that here. Most of us struggle with that aspect of life.

I make better friends with animals, babies, and l made a lot of people laugh at the retirement home l worked at.
 
I’ve seen some great videos on youtube, it’s a fellow by the name of Paul and he’s out of I believe Australia. He has videos on just what your talking about, telling people and dating - I’m happily married but all his other advice is spot in IMHO. He’s an engineer, very impressive young man. For some odd reason my ipad will not get youtube I have to use the TV so if nobody else knows the name of this fellows site I’ll get back to you with more info soon!

Maybe you could get her to watch some of this fellows videos and that would help. I’m being specific for Paul because he’s really positive and I think probably very relatable for a NT person to understand, if that makes sense?! You were requesting positive and I get it - some of those videos would make a person run!

BTW, my husband of 5 years has said that us learning this past year that I have asperger’s has made our relationship EASIER! We both understand me better and why I do some of the things and why some things just bother the heck out of me. Stuff like, I’m food and texture weird so to speak. Not sure hot to properly put it. We got along good, but this has made it much better. When other people understand everybody is much happier, in my situation anyway.
 
Aspychata said:
You seem to have lots of friends, not everyone is like that here. Most of us struggle with that aspect of life.

I make better friends with animals, babies, and l made a lot of people laugh at the retirement home l worked at.
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Lots is relative I guess. I can count them on one hand, and I don't have six fingers or anything.. ;)
 
I would try not to overdo talking about special interests, and avoid monologues or dominating the conversation in general. It's ok to mention them but only continue if they ask questions, show interest. Being on the recieving end of such things is like being in a boring class at school. You start fidgeting, looking at the clock and can't wait for the bell to ring. I think the best conversations are those where both get to express their thoughts as well as listen and its best to mostly stay to topics where that is possible.
 
Tom said:
I would try not to overdo talking about special interests, and avoid monologues or dominating the conversation in general. It's ok to mention them but only continue if they ask questions, show interest. Being on the recieving end of such things is like being in a boring class at school. You start fidgeting, looking at the clock and can't wait for the bell to ring. I think the best conversations are those where both get to express their thoughts as well as listen and its best to mostly stay to topics where that is possible.
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Yes, I try doing just as you describe and think I'm getting more succesfull. Once that online friend gave to me a longer monologue about some her interest and then I turned back with mine. Is this ok?
 
Dadamen said:
Yes, I try doing just as you describe and think I'm getting more succesfull. Once that online friend gave to me a longer monologue about some her interest and then I turned back with mine. Is this ok?
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Should be okay, as long as you don’t dominate the conversation talking about your interests.
 
I agree with others to make sure you're mindful about the special interest sharing. If your friend is also interested in the same thing, great. If not though, friendship doesn't include the other person being someone to talk "at" rather than talk "with". I can't imagine having a friend blather on about a special interest that I'm not interested in at all. Maybe once/initially and then just to tell me very brief things about new developments with their interest, but that's about it.
 
Dadamen said:
Yes, I try doing just as you describe and think I'm getting more succesfull. Once that online friend gave to me a longer monologue about some her interest and then I turned back with mine. Is this ok?
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Yes, I think so. But also try not to just wait for them to finish and then switch right to yours. Ask a few questions perhaps about theirs. Something like 'What is it about that subject that interests you?'. Or 'Why is 'The Super Tall Woman Lady' character your favorite?'. Something to show you were listening (reading), and not just preparing your own monologue mentally. It may seem like feigning interest, and perhaps to an extent is, but it also is something encouraging, that friends do for one another. I'll be there for you, I'll listen, etc.
 
If you are geeky/nerdy, own those labels initially.
If you get closer, then you could bring her up to speed on autism.
I would present it in THIS FASHION. (ASD1 = Asperger's Syndrome)
 
Wonderful of you to share this with us!!! .Just checked it out (pt 1/video 1)... It's a series and appears very useful in offering this to others to view. Saves breath and misunderstandings of what being on the spectrum is like. I am taking the no disclosure approach at this time, but if I were to disclose to someone whom seemed put off, and I socialized with, this would be an excellent way.
ForestGumpett said:
Here is the youtube channel I was telling you about and the fellow named Paul - I think he’s excellent! Again, lots of videos on dating and telling others too.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-FpBZR7DbpvNj5UrFN8qUA
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DogzSpirit said:
Wonderful of you to share this with us!!! .Just checked it out (pt 1/video 1)... It's a series and appears very useful in offering this to others to view. Saves breath and misunderstandings of what being on the spectrum is like. I am taking the no disclosure approach at this time, but if I were to disclose to someone whom seemed put off, and I socialized with, this would be an excellent way.
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Glad you took time to look at it and got something out of it. This young man has helped me so much! He has a young woman named Sam that is around his age (30’s?) that is very helpful. They are straight up and the videos I find are spot on.

Thanks

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-FpBZR7DbpvNj5UrFN8qUA
 
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