I'm normally very shy. I really do love people, but I usually do peopley things from a distance.
Lately I have had so many interractions with people, whether it's appointments, or caring for injured loved ones, telephone calls, conversations, bus rides, etc.
I was in the bath tub just now, and suddenly the sound of the vent was too loud and screechy. The water felt crawly. Even the movement of my arms made me feel sort of yucky tingles.
The way my hair felt after washing. Even my feet- heels in the water and toes touching air. It was all disgusting, and sort of painful, and loud and just like being crawled on by centipedes, while a police officer shines a flashlight in your eyes, all while listening to a newspaper press at a bindery.
The thing is, I have some heavy duty responsibilities to others, and there's no one else to take my place. It sucks, royally.
Today is my respite day. But it's just too much. The one relief I got was hard, sort of painful pressure. I wrapped my hair up in a towel, and twisted it extra tight, and tucked it in extra tight. The hard pressure sort of soothed my overstimulation. Also I have the air conditioner running at its coldest, and with the fan at full strength, about four feet from where i am sitting.
I can't hide in my room all night. I am a mother, and a member of a community.
Tomorrow I have to go out and do difficult things again. See an elder, whom I respect above all others, slur and curse and maybe urinate. And in between those moments, we'll try and remember old times, we'll share a meal, and perhaps he will acknowledge me and say he loves me.
This elder, above all others, is my security, and my role model. This elder, to see him growing ill, it's almost beyond my capacity to handle it. At just the thought of his illness or injury, I get shooting pains in my arms and chest, and a massive headache. It physically hurts to know he is ill.
It takes 2 hours to get to his hospital. And I'll do it again and again and again every day.
I also have other loved ones who are ill or injured, who I am desperately afraid for.
And I have my own medical/mental needs that I cannot tend to. Because I am needed. there is no time and no resources to care for myself. No spoons.
What do I do? What would you do?
Lately I have had so many interractions with people, whether it's appointments, or caring for injured loved ones, telephone calls, conversations, bus rides, etc.
I was in the bath tub just now, and suddenly the sound of the vent was too loud and screechy. The water felt crawly. Even the movement of my arms made me feel sort of yucky tingles.
The way my hair felt after washing. Even my feet- heels in the water and toes touching air. It was all disgusting, and sort of painful, and loud and just like being crawled on by centipedes, while a police officer shines a flashlight in your eyes, all while listening to a newspaper press at a bindery.
The thing is, I have some heavy duty responsibilities to others, and there's no one else to take my place. It sucks, royally.
Today is my respite day. But it's just too much. The one relief I got was hard, sort of painful pressure. I wrapped my hair up in a towel, and twisted it extra tight, and tucked it in extra tight. The hard pressure sort of soothed my overstimulation. Also I have the air conditioner running at its coldest, and with the fan at full strength, about four feet from where i am sitting.
I can't hide in my room all night. I am a mother, and a member of a community.
Tomorrow I have to go out and do difficult things again. See an elder, whom I respect above all others, slur and curse and maybe urinate. And in between those moments, we'll try and remember old times, we'll share a meal, and perhaps he will acknowledge me and say he loves me.
This elder, above all others, is my security, and my role model. This elder, to see him growing ill, it's almost beyond my capacity to handle it. At just the thought of his illness or injury, I get shooting pains in my arms and chest, and a massive headache. It physically hurts to know he is ill.
It takes 2 hours to get to his hospital. And I'll do it again and again and again every day.
I also have other loved ones who are ill or injured, who I am desperately afraid for.
And I have my own medical/mental needs that I cannot tend to. Because I am needed. there is no time and no resources to care for myself. No spoons.
What do I do? What would you do?
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