That painful moment when

[Dragon's Tooth]

I'm just feeling a bit down because I realized that even though I try, I don't really have any friends. I'm completely isolated from the world and nearly everyone who I thought was my friend has just been stringing me along.

It came to a head when I noticed in the friend suggestion box on facebook a suggestion for someone who had made a new profile for themselves, and well I didn't even know. So it would explain why I haven't heard from them in a while.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to cope with crushing loneliness. The only real friend I have in my life is my husband. I have nothing outside of my house and no matter how hard I try I just can't seem to win in the social realm.

They friend I talk about above, I know the point when it went south, I can usually figure it out. This time I'm sure it wasn't my fault. She rang me on a busy afternoon and basically wanted me to drop everything to run over and help her out. But I was already busy. And as you will all know interfering with plans can be stressful if nothing else. I was a bit upset over this because I feel it is unfair to expect that when you call someone they will be able to come running 100% of the time.

I just feel that no matter now hard I try it doesn't work and I wish more people would talk to me about it rather than just shutting me out.

said person above did go into hospital after a psychotic break but no one would tell me anything about how she was or anything. I was just shut out like usual.

I guess I'm just struggling to deal with doors being repeatedly closed on me. I don't even have family around me to help me. I have no one but my husband and I don't even feel I can talk to him about it. I feel like this forum is the only outlet I've got.

So how do others cope with this. I know a lot of people will say they don't want friends or anything. I just wish I wasn't shut out all the time like some annoying little no body who is no better than an ant to be squished. How can I have confidence in myself to do anything when the world would just like me to be in my own prison. I have tried so hard to get out there and fit into society but society just keeps rejecting me.

 

[Mitch]

Hey Dragon's Tooth, I know exactly how you feel. The only changed variable is I'm not married. I have two great family members and that's the only reason I'm not completely alone. I don't have any friends IRL, only acquaintances through "social" media. On Facebook these people are called friends but they never respond to anything I say or even hit a like button every once in a while. I don't try to take it to personally because most of them are more of a 'follow the leader' kind of person. Only responding to the most popular people to try and get noticed by them or only respond to the famous 'having a great time, going out and look at my new car' pictures. I'm not like that and it's obviously we don't share the same interests.

I've always been OK with not having friends. I had two good friends at school and that was more then enough for me. I didn't know about my AS back then, but found it very difficult to be social with them. I never wanted to go anywhere, had my own interests and when they came over to play I got bored and tired very fast. I've lost touch with them as we grew older. I've always been very busy with my interests and work. This resulted in having half a million video views on YouTube (not the link on the left), but still no one that seems to care about me. What does that say about me, I wonder many times. I appreciate some of the comments I get every now and then, but they are all about the video (of course). Making me feel less important then my own work. And the people who do contact me, only do this to get the information they're after and I never hear of them ever again. Sometimes not even a simple thank you. Sometimes I do have some back and forth email correspondence, but as soon as the subject at matter has dried out, contact is gone.

After I've got my diagnose a few weeks/months back I got to know about a new group of people very similar to me. Aspies. Most with the same ideas and we seem to think alike. We don't always have to agree on things but we can at least understand each other. Finally I'm able to connect to others in a way not possible before. I really like that, but it also makes me feel more lonely in a way. I never really cared about others, because there was no connection. Now I know there's a group of friendly people who've had their struggles in life just like I had. But still no friends.

So the crushing loneliness, I get that feeling. Like being an outcast all the time, no one that understands, loves or cares about you. Maybe it helps knowing you're not alone with this feeling! I want to thank you for creating this topic and being so open about it. Let's call each other friends from now on and feel a little bit less lonely.

 

[Divrom]

At least you've got a partner, DT.

Imagine having no one. Literally. Not a single friend.

I'd be embarrassed about it, but there's no one to be embarrassed in front of!

 

[smith2267]

Put yourself in a position where people will run into you, but where you needn't make small talk (we are bad at small talk). I recommend online situations where there are no nonverbal signals to confuse. You could be an online tutor, or play a multi player game (MMORPG). You will make both enemies and friends. But "The cure for 100 enemies is one friend."
I have done both of these. I tutored on yahoo answers, and I play facebook games.

 

[Wilkie1234]

Thank you for posting and opening yourself up! I am here with my Aspie son and feeling alone with some of the issues we face. I think this may be where all the truly "cool" people hang out

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

Put yourself in a position where people will run into you, but where you needn't make small talk (we are bad at small talk). I recommend online situations where there are no nonverbal signals to confuse. You could be an online tutor, or play a multi player game (MMORPG). You will make both enemies and friends. But "The cure for 100 enemies is one friend."
I have done both of these. I tutored on yahoo answers, and I play facebook games.

I actually met my husband on an MMORPG which I was introduced to by my ex who me and my old friends believed to be an aspie much closer to autism than I am. People used to say I wasn't an Aspie but they were all 100% sure my ex was. I have outgrown my MMORPG phase I think (though it took 8 years).

Thank you all for your kind words. I was just getting a bit down because I had been in my home country with my family for three weeks then came home to my husband working 13 days in a row and he works 12 hour days. so basically being alone in a house for 13 days with no one but my dogs and cats. No one to call. Then I got the trigger of my so called friend tossing me out like so many others have done. Just came at a bad time. I'm much better now.

Wilkie1234 - it can be lonely being an aspie. I am pretty good with being alone as long as I have plenty to occupy my time with. Usually I just need a job or something for my quota of social interaction. As I have been unemployed for 6 months ... well ... I think its time to find a job.

We aren't actually alone in our issues when we have forums like this one. Here at least we can find others who have probably gone through similar things. Just sometimes typing to a forum thread than an actual social interaction can be a bit depressing lol!! I'm not calling anyone depressing just when you want to say be sitting down for a coffee with a friend rather than a forum it can be a bit hard. I live in a town where finding another apsie isn't easy. So to have other like minded people to talk to can be comforting. And like you said ... all the cool people are here

 

[epath13]

I'm procrastinating again and browsing some threads, came across this one. Not sure if it's still active. My 1st question would be - why do you need friends? What are you planning to do together? That would help you to determine what to look for and where. Sometimes it's easier to make friends around some common interest and sometimes it's even better to leave it at that. I'm in this mom's group and everything has been going fine until I've got to know a few of them a little better. I've realized there're some major things I would never agree with them on so now I know if a conversation ever crosses certain line I would have to say something and that would resolve into a very awkward situation. As for close friends...it takes time and I do believe people who at any point of time become close friends must genuinely like each other no matter how different they are. There have to be some major connection between them. But those connections often start with common interests (meetup website seems to be pretty good for finding people with similar interests). You can always mention your Asperger's or Autism right away and try to be confident about it (don't present it as some sort of a flaw, just a condition, which makes some parts of life challenging). If you are rejected because of that, you're better off without those people, but there's a good chance people might end up being more accepting that you might think). Personally, sometimes it seems to me that relationship is just like some form of art. For some it comes naturally, but some need to work hard to master it. Personally I've become tired of looking for people who can accept me fully. Most of people find me sweet, funny, smart and interesting when I communicate with them just for fun but it all changes when I try to be honest.... But doesn't matter... You need to know exactly what you want from friendship to get what you want. And it seems some people are doing pretty well online (like on this forum) and make online friends. If you just need to have someone to discuss stuff with and hopefully find some understanding, this can be a way as well. I think a lot of times people feel lonely because they fail sharing something that is very important to them with others and seeing that others care. That's why the most likable people always seem to care about others more and talk about others, not themselves. Because we all need this reassurance and support. So maybe if you think, what is it that you want to share with others? And then try to find people who want to share the same thing... For starters... I think I'm done here