That Time Of Year Again

[Shamar]

Many of you who have read my comments in the past may find this a bit repetitive, but I want to put it out there as a post and see what comments I get and how others feel.

I am starting on my antidepressants again. Fortunately, St John's Wort works well enough that I don't have to go to more severe chemicals. I do this because I find the coming Season Of Good Cheer to be extremely depressing. This season has an emphasis on socialization, friendliness, parties, get togethers , and so on. None of which I can participate in. I do not have the ability to experience friendship. I do not have friends (as I understand the concept), and never have. Apparently, that part of my brain never got wired together. I cannot feel a bond or connection to other people, and this has been my greatest desire for as long as I can remember.

Thus, this time of year I find especially painful. The lonliness and isolation I fee becomes especially strong. The (non religious) Christmas music played incessantly in the stores almost feels like a personal insult. I find the Burl Ives version of "Holly Jolly Christmas" for some reason makes me especially upset, and when I hear it I want to scream. Once the season starts, I cannot spent any significant amount of time in stores, even grocery stores. I am curious if others experience this, and how you cope with it.

 

[Tom]

Best to avoid, as much as is possible, that which upsets you. I don't have the same issue but some other things really get to me and I find strict avoidence helps.

One suggestion is to only watch things (movies, etc) on your computer that don't have commercials.

 

[Thinx]

I'm sorry this is a difficult time for you. I'm curious about you feeling sadness, loneliness and isolation and upset to a strong degree, but yet not feel friendship? That's hard to understand. I wondered if you meant, you do feel friendly sometimes but your friendship isn't taken up or understood?

I would definitely say I don't find it easy to keep up a connection unless I see the person regularly, and I don't find unstructured social interaction at all easy, or pleasant really. Rarely try that these days. But I have usually been able to find a friend or 2.

How does it go if you do someone a favour or help them, do they appreciate your help?

 

[watersprite]

It’s difficult for me, too. I go to my stealth shopping mode of very early morning shopping, and I do not attend the celebration events that happen in (small town parade etc.) town here.
A few things that help: having non-twinkle lights up around my house. But I have them all the year round.
I do not answer calls from family members who I dislike.
I have a couple of online friends who I correspond with, and that helps.
I cook the healthiest food I can manage during holiday time.
I keep up my exercise, indoors, especially on the coldest darkest days.
If gloominess realy gets bad, I re-read my favorite stories.

 

[Shamar]

I'm sorry this is a difficult time for you. I'm curious about you feeling sadness, loneliness and isolation and upset to a strong degree, but yet not feel friendship? That's hard to understand. I wondered if you meant, you do feel friendly sometimes but your friendship isn't taken up or understood?

I would definitely say I don't find it easy to keep up a connection unless I see the person regularly, and I don't find unstructured social interaction at all easy, or pleasant really. Rarely try that these days. But I have usually been able to find a friend or 2.

How does it go if you do someone a favour or help them, do they appreciate your help?

Like I said, my brain is miswired (obviously, since I'm autistic). I cannot bond, connect, attach, or feel emotions toward other people. High school? I remember the ones who tormented, bullied, and humiliated me, but others, nothing. Co-workers? They could all disappear in a puff of smoke, and I would feel nothing. Even family mean nothing to me. And yet I so desperately WANT to feel something, the ability is just not there. I see people meet for the first time and strike up a friendship, and it burns me. I feel jealous about why others can do this so easily and I can't.
Yes, I can talk to people, as long as it does not get too personal too fast. I can do favors, and get thanked, and appreciate the attention from being thanked. Social interaction is a confusing mess to me. The rules seem to keep changing. Body language , facial expression, and (to a certain extent) intonation mean nothing to me.

 

[Shamar]

I have a couple of online friends who I correspond with, and that helps.

I think the closest thing I have to friends is right here.

 

[Fino]

Reject the perception handed to you by society. The holidays may be about those things for them, even for the majority, but that doesn't make it your reality. I see that the holidays are about pretty things and pretty sounds and sweet and sugary foods. I see nothing in them social. That's just not what it is for me.

 

[Thinx]

Like I said, my brain is miswired (obviously, since I'm autistic). I cannot bond, connect, attach, or feel emotions toward other people. High school? I remember the ones who tormented, bullied, and humiliated me, but others, nothing. Co-workers? They could all disappear in a puff of smoke, and I would feel nothing. Even family mean nothing to me. And yet I so desperately WANT to feel something, the ability is just not there. I see people meet for the first time and strike up a friendship, and it burns me. I feel jealous about why others can do this so easily and I can't.
Yes, I can talk to people, as long as it does not get too personal too fast. I can do favors, and get thanked, and appreciate the attention from being thanked. Social interaction is a confusing mess to me. The rules seem to keep changing. Body language , facial expression, and (to a certain extent) intonation mean nothing to me.

That's sounds very difficult. And like lots on this forum, I definitely struggle to make friends and relationships. It just doesn't happen mostly, and as you say, I guess I miss cues as like you I find it hard to interact easily. I think part of it is processing delay, do you have that?

What about any ongoing interest groups you've been to, like classes or trainings or hobbies, etc? I suppose I am wondering how much you are ever in situations where you would be able to meet anyone with similar interests or where you would see them regularly enough to be appreciated for yourself, beyond the communication difficulties?

What are you good at? Are you ever anywhere where people notice your skills? Sometimes I have made a friend through that kind of thing, in hobbies or at work.

 

[SusanLR]

It is a difficult time of the year for me now also.
Because I've known it to be such a special and loving time of the year with past family,
this makes it all the more difficult now.
I can't bond or have friends either. Never was a social person. A couple of relationships were
good, but, eventually ended. I understand the feeling.

I've tried to carry on with some of the feelings I've known from the past, but, last Christmas
the man I rent from and live in part of his house got really angry over me putting up lights outside because I didn't know two outlets in the plug in box weren't really two.
He really blew up when he found out I didn't know and said I would blow a fuse with too many
lights in the same outlet. So he told me to take them down and as far as he was concerned
throw them away.
I did just that, then he went to the trash can and brought them back into the garage in a box.
Makes no sense. But, I won't put them up again. It turned a good memory into a bad one.
I have my old small tree I can put up with some decorations in my office room.

 

[Thinx]

It is a difficult time of the year for me now also.
Because I've known it to be such a special and loving time of the year with past family,
this makes it all the more difficult now.
I can't bond or have friends either. Never was a social person. A couple of relationships were
good, but, eventually ended. I understand the feeling.

I've tried to carry on with some of the feelings I've known from the past, but, last Christmas
the man I rent from and live in part of his house got really angry over me putting up lights outside because I didn't know two outlets in the plug in box weren't really two.
He really blew up when he found out I didn't know and said I would blow a fuse with too many
lights in the same outlet. So he told me to take them down and as far as he was concerned
throw them away.
I did just that, then he went to the trash can and brought them back into the garage in a box.
Makes no sense. But, I won't put them up again. It turned a good memory into a bad one.
I have my old small tree I can put up with some decorations in my office room.

Could you have some twinkly lights just hung in your room? 2 houses nearby me do this actually all year round, their rooms look sparkly and magical, I think. It's on timers of course. To be safe...

 

[SusanLR]

Yes, I do have twinkle lights and candles in my bedroom the year round. They are all timer lights.
I do find them comforting at night. They are soft glowing lights.