The certainty is kinda making it worse..

[Lobelty]

Hey everyone,
I kinda need some advice right now I think.

I’m at a point where I’m fairly certain that I do have autism (I’m not officially diagnosed though) and it’s kinda making everything worse?
I heard that a lot of people feel relief when they get a diagnosis because it explains all the experiences they made so far and for them it’s reassuring that it’s just neurodivergence and not something weird about them.

However, for me it’s kinda the opposite. Admitting to have autism feels so defeating for me. At this point it feels like my life will be so restricted because of it. Before I thought I’m just awkward and shy and I could change that if I tried hard enough and it felt like I could still do everything. Now it just feels like I don’t have a choice anymore and just have to put up with it, which is especially bad when the things that are easier for me because I am autistic don’t necessarily line up with the things I want to do in life.

Has anyone experienced something similar? This thing is really getting me down lately.

 

[VictorR]

From what I've seen, those with a later diagnosis are more likely to fall in the camp where the diagnosis / identification comes as a relief, whereas those who receive a diagnosis (or self-identify) up to early adulthood (say 25-ish) are more likely to have concerns.

This is likely because the former often already have a lot of life experience and quite often have already developed some sense of self, and so it's easier to learn something about yourself, reflect on how it impacted your past, and then look ahead on how you can use this knowledge to adapt to things going forward.

As a teenager or young adult (as your profile suggests), you're quite likely still very much in the process of finding yourself, maybe still deciding on what you want to do your post-secondary studies or training in. To know you're different can mean getting help and avoiding some of the pitfalls that some of us later diagnosed have fallen into. But at the same time, knowledge, and fear of the unknown can be overwhelming.

Sorry if I'm not making much sense. I'm kind of tired but I did want to respond with some thoughts.

 

[Crossbreed]

Hello & welcome @Lobelty.

It means that since you are not (and will never be) NT, you no longer have to strive at being so.
You can still up your game and rock your autism, now that you are aware of it.

 

[Rodafina]

Now it just feels like I don’t have a choice anymore and just have to put up with it, which is especially bad when the things that are easier for me because I am autistic don’t necessarily line up with the things I want to do in life.

What kind of things are not aligning between what you want to do in life and realizing you are autistic?

 

[Stuttermabolur]

Welcome @Lobelty! I'm here to bring you some good news.

While autism can certainly make things difficult, and place you "outside the norm", if you spend enough time on the forum, you will see that it doesn't determine your destiny either.

Ultimately, autism is a change of the neuronal tissue in the brain, and while it does very much affect how you sense and experience the world, it doesn't determine what you will do, and it certainly isn't a license to give up. Getting a diagnosis (or self-diagnosis) however, can help you better understand which steps are more likely to lead to success. Having difficulties with social interactions is very common for those on the spectrum, and many people on the forum still struggle with it. However, I've also seen several members take great strides in terms of socializing and gaining friends since I joined. Some of them much older than you, so if you are really set on your goals, autism doesn't preclude you from achieving them.

I myself used to be very shy and have a lot of difficulties with social interactions and getting to know people. What helped me was not going to every party happening around me (which ultimately didn't do anything for me, because it isn't the way I like to socialize), but rather getting interested in other people around me, and actively engaging with them (even admitting being awkward) when the opportunity arose. I'm not saying the same tactic will work for you, but I think it helps to take autism into account to help you achieve your goals, rather than seeing it as a mind sentence.

I wish you the very best!

 

[Misery]

I went through something sorta like this... kinda... upon getting my diagnosis.

A bloody long time ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday. And I remember the bad feelings that came from that.

After a time though, I had a realization. What they gave me was a diagnosis (I had not spotted it myself beforehand)... I hadnt somehow caught autism or something that day (which is what it had felt like). They gave me info about something that, whether I'd been aware of it or not, was always a part of me. So... new info. That's what it was. Info that could potentially be of use.

Still wasnt easy though. There were certain things I always wanted to do... would autism be why I couldnt do them? I wondered that.

My childhood dream had always been game development. I wanted to make one or be part of a team that made one. I didnt really think I'd be able to. But then... just out of nowhere, the opportunity to do so appeared, I jumped at it, and... it happened!

Being autistic certainly makes some things harder, but having an understanding of it (as much as possible, anyway) also brought with it the keys to keeping the bad parts at bay, while making the potentially useful bits (such as hyperfocus and abstract thinking, which are parts of it for me specifically), well, useful. The development project went very well, as a result. It was a spectacular experience. I learned a lot during that... not just about game & software development, but about myself, too.

It's something I do try to keep in mind, when the more aggravating aspects of it are flaring up.

That's only my experience though. As they always say, it's a spectrum, so exactly how it works/feels/is will be different for each person. Part of what makes it hard to diagnose, I imagine.

you will see that it doesn't determine your destiny either.

Yeah, I'll second this part.

 

[Judge]

Personally I think it's much better to know. And the sooner, the better.

You can now begin to craft your life in a manner that works for you, rather than continue to "swim upstream" and be constantly frustrated, not even knowing why.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Before I thought I’m just awkward and shy and I could change that if I tried hard enough and it felt like I could still do everything. Now it just feels like I don’t have a choice anymore and just have to put up with it, which is especially bad when the things that are easier for me because I am autistic don’t necessarily line up with the things I want to do in life.

Well, as I mentioned before I was diagnosed at 60, didn't realize I was autistic growing up, and fearful of judgement and rejection. I knew I had serious social deficits. But these were getting in the way of personal desires and goals. So, I put in time learning social communication, practiced in activity groups, and decided to be vulnerable to turn-downs and that by the time I was 27-28 I was maturing socially and enjoying myself with challenging activities. I thought of myself as quirky with a lot of potential and managed to attract a woman who loved the outdoors. We are still having adventures.

 

[Slightly]

I feel you.

I was diagnosed (unifficially, but by someone who could give me an official diag if I wanted one) at 43.

Normally, something like this would have me reading every book and studying up on it, but, weirdly, I've avoided knowing much of anything about it. Not sure why, but I think it's because I don't want to absorb other people's ideas about me. I don't want to get mucked up with other people's definitions of me.

I can imagine it's a lot harder for you. Just try to keep in mind that autism isn't a who, it's a what. A lot of people will try to set limits on you, tell you who you are. Don't let them.

 

[Hypnalis]

I didn't get the feeling you have now, but I have a suggestion:

Keep reminding yourself that you haven't changed.

What's happened is that you've gained information and insight. These will be useful in the future, but for now you naturally have a lot of work to do to integrate them.
Not necessarily a comfortable process, but there's no external/objective reason to be concerned about it.

You're still the same person. You haven't learned anything that should change that.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Hey everyone,
I kinda need some advice right now I think.

I’m at a point where I’m fairly certain that I do have autism (I’m not officially diagnosed though) and it’s kinda making everything worse?
I heard that a lot of people feel relief when they get a diagnosis because it explains all the experiences they made so far and for them it’s reassuring that it’s just neurodivergence and not something weird about them.

However, for me it’s kinda the opposite. Admitting to have autism feels so defeating for me. At this point it feels like my life will be so restricted because of it. Before I thought I’m just awkward and shy and I could change that if I tried hard enough and it felt like I could still do everything. Now it just feels like I don’t have a choice anymore and just have to put up with it, which is especially bad when the things that are easier for me because I am autistic don’t necessarily line up with the things I want to do in life.

Has anyone experienced something similar? This thing is really getting me down lately.

Like others have suggested, you are still at the age where you are "finding yourself". When I say this, I never was able to "find myself" and be accepting of myself until my diagnosis in my 50's. So, everyone has their experience with this.

Keep in mind, that although everyone with autism share some commonality,...the things that make us, "autistic",...the neurodiversity within the autistic community is more diverse than that of neurotypicals. Having said that, one has to be cautious with stereotypes, these preconceived ideas of what an autistic individual can and cannot do, what their life is like, etc. In most aspects of our lives, the "restrictions" you mention, are often self-induced. It can be frustrating and emotionally painful at times, but again, often it's a matter of the difference between "expectation" and "reality". There are those that simply give up and wallow in their depression and self-pity, and there are those that are driven to "succeed" and will "adapt and overcome", and find other people as "restrictions", not they, themselves. Some people worry about what others think of them and will restrict themselves,...and others understand that there are "naysayers" and people that are "obstacles" to be side-stepped and ignored along their forward path. Some people think that they are unsuccessful in life because of their autism,...and others are successful because of their autism. The question for you to answer is "Which type of person are you going to be?"