I have facebook. I mostly only use it for Words With Friends (XOXO!), and for keeping tabs on cousins and old friends from twenty or more years ago.
One thing that I think is just breathtaking is seeing photos of the children of my old friends or cousins. Like tonight, I sat back and almost shed a tear. One of my friends has two sons and a daughter. And one of her sons looks very similar to her older brother that died at a motorcross competition when he was eleven or twelve. I was looking into the eyes of this small child who I've never met, and I could see his uncle in him. It warmed my heart, but made me sad too.
Because that boy who I grew up with had such a sad story. His mentally ill mother, one day, out of the blue took my friend and all his many sisters from their father and moved to northern Cali. But a month later, she drove down and abandoned him to his father because she "didn't have the energy to raise a boy". What a b word woman!
And all the sadness and grief I always saw in his eyes. But his father was a good man, and he believed in him. Like a lot of high desert kids, he was so amazing on a dirtbike, and he won so many awards. He lived a lonely life, in poverty with his father, in a 100 year old adobe without electricity. And he died, pretty much motherless, after winning countless regional trophies, falling off his bike from the top of a ramp and collapsing to the ground. Just a boy. Oh gosh, I can't bear it.
Then there's a cousin of mine. Her son looks so much like a beloved cousin of mine that recently, as a man, died of a fentanyl overdose. I see that boy who was like a twin brother to me. And I cry so much, privately, when no one is looking, because I miss him so much.
Another cousin, his daughter looks so startlingly like my grandmother who died a few years back. And also, when I look at my own daughter, I see my grandparents, and sometimes my parents in her. And she looks so much like her own father too.
These children will never know how beautiful they are to me. But I just wish them every blessing in their lives. I know they are their own persons, but when I look at them, and see the faces of those I have lost, in my mind, it's almost like these children are the second chance at a better life for those deceased loved ones.
One thing that I think is just breathtaking is seeing photos of the children of my old friends or cousins. Like tonight, I sat back and almost shed a tear. One of my friends has two sons and a daughter. And one of her sons looks very similar to her older brother that died at a motorcross competition when he was eleven or twelve. I was looking into the eyes of this small child who I've never met, and I could see his uncle in him. It warmed my heart, but made me sad too.
Because that boy who I grew up with had such a sad story. His mentally ill mother, one day, out of the blue took my friend and all his many sisters from their father and moved to northern Cali. But a month later, she drove down and abandoned him to his father because she "didn't have the energy to raise a boy". What a b word woman!
And all the sadness and grief I always saw in his eyes. But his father was a good man, and he believed in him. Like a lot of high desert kids, he was so amazing on a dirtbike, and he won so many awards. He lived a lonely life, in poverty with his father, in a 100 year old adobe without electricity. And he died, pretty much motherless, after winning countless regional trophies, falling off his bike from the top of a ramp and collapsing to the ground. Just a boy. Oh gosh, I can't bear it.
Then there's a cousin of mine. Her son looks so much like a beloved cousin of mine that recently, as a man, died of a fentanyl overdose. I see that boy who was like a twin brother to me. And I cry so much, privately, when no one is looking, because I miss him so much.
Another cousin, his daughter looks so startlingly like my grandmother who died a few years back. And also, when I look at my own daughter, I see my grandparents, and sometimes my parents in her. And she looks so much like her own father too.
These children will never know how beautiful they are to me. But I just wish them every blessing in their lives. I know they are their own persons, but when I look at them, and see the faces of those I have lost, in my mind, it's almost like these children are the second chance at a better life for those deceased loved ones.
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