The main reason I started wearing earplugs, inside as well as out, was due to needing to limit the amount of noise I had to deal with. Not because noise itself was overwhelming per se, but because I could no longer handle being aware of what was going on around me.
Just like if I tried to do two things at the same time, I couldn't really focus on doing each properly, especially if I was hearing unwanted and intrusive noise too. Yet there was a time when I could handle several things at the same time without feeling so affected.
It never used to be the issue it has become. I was able to allow whatever I might be hearing to be a part of my experience without feeling overwhelmed by it. I rarely had to avoid or resist anything.
I’d always had what I’ll now call a kind of built-in support mechanism. I’d been living my life with its help for as long as I can remember. Then this helper/mask/protector disappeared last year during a prolonged experience of fear when I realised I was probably going to become homeless.
I tried everything I could think of to stop this from happening. I considered anything that would stop me from having to go through what this experience seemed to mean. When I realised it was definitely going to happen, I did my best to accept it, prepare for it, and try not to hold onto an idea of a future I did not want. In my darker moments, images of homelessness, surviving outside in winter during lockdown, created a state I almost couldn’t cope with.
I pinned a sign up on the cupboard, and spent several moments each day looking at it.
In large letters it reminded me to:
“Allow what IS to BE”.
This wasn’t easy to do when I was afraid of a future I did not want. I didn’t know when that day would actually arrive, and several months went by before it did.
I’d lost that feeling I’d had, which allowed me to know that whatever happened was always what I needed to experience, no matter what it looked like at the time. I didn't know if I'd be able to deal with it on my own, and yet I did deal with it, one step at a time. I eventually found comfort in the idea that no matter what was happening it would be alright in the end. And if it wasn’t alright now, it just meant it wasn’t the end.
Some say walking the harder path is where real growth occurs. It’s hard to say what the ‘harder path’ is exactly, and many paths seem a lot harder than mine. I’ve also realised that when I try to avoid something out of fear and have things stay the same, I do not remain content very long and find myself undergoing something unexpected that really changes things.
And yet, every so often, I get to take a break, just like I did when I was a kid struggling in school. It feels like I'm in a different kind of school now, with a real personal intelligence behind the lesson plan.
What I no longer do is create a belief around this in order to explain it to myself. I just accept that it feels like something is aware of what I need in a way I’d never choose otherwise. I accept there is more to life than anything I might imagine. That's good enough for me.
Just like if I tried to do two things at the same time, I couldn't really focus on doing each properly, especially if I was hearing unwanted and intrusive noise too. Yet there was a time when I could handle several things at the same time without feeling so affected.
It never used to be the issue it has become. I was able to allow whatever I might be hearing to be a part of my experience without feeling overwhelmed by it. I rarely had to avoid or resist anything.
I’d always had what I’ll now call a kind of built-in support mechanism. I’d been living my life with its help for as long as I can remember. Then this helper/mask/protector disappeared last year during a prolonged experience of fear when I realised I was probably going to become homeless.
I tried everything I could think of to stop this from happening. I considered anything that would stop me from having to go through what this experience seemed to mean. When I realised it was definitely going to happen, I did my best to accept it, prepare for it, and try not to hold onto an idea of a future I did not want. In my darker moments, images of homelessness, surviving outside in winter during lockdown, created a state I almost couldn’t cope with.
I pinned a sign up on the cupboard, and spent several moments each day looking at it.
In large letters it reminded me to:
“Allow what IS to BE”.
This wasn’t easy to do when I was afraid of a future I did not want. I didn’t know when that day would actually arrive, and several months went by before it did.
I’d lost that feeling I’d had, which allowed me to know that whatever happened was always what I needed to experience, no matter what it looked like at the time. I didn't know if I'd be able to deal with it on my own, and yet I did deal with it, one step at a time. I eventually found comfort in the idea that no matter what was happening it would be alright in the end. And if it wasn’t alright now, it just meant it wasn’t the end.
Some say walking the harder path is where real growth occurs. It’s hard to say what the ‘harder path’ is exactly, and many paths seem a lot harder than mine. I’ve also realised that when I try to avoid something out of fear and have things stay the same, I do not remain content very long and find myself undergoing something unexpected that really changes things.
And yet, every so often, I get to take a break, just like I did when I was a kid struggling in school. It feels like I'm in a different kind of school now, with a real personal intelligence behind the lesson plan.
What I no longer do is create a belief around this in order to explain it to myself. I just accept that it feels like something is aware of what I need in a way I’d never choose otherwise. I accept there is more to life than anything I might imagine. That's good enough for me.
