Reedstorm17
Well-Known Member
For me, it's always been a phrase that's felt awkward to say, even to my parents or my siblings. I don't think I ever even said it aside from writing it in birthday cards or something. I can't explain exactly why. I guess I'm either afraid of not meaning it, or of meaning it. That's not to say I don't care about them. I do. I'm just terrible at expressing it.
Yesterday, I finally told my best friend that I love him. (Text message, which I know is kind of the coward's way out, but I'm not even close to being ready to say it in person). For close to a year now, I've felt something for him that I haven't really felt before. I mean, I've had crushes before, but I was merely attracted to them. I like this guy because he's probably the first person I've actually felt like myself around. He doesn't even really have to try to get me to smile. His mere existence even kind of saved my life once, back when I didn't really know him (long story). He's that sort of person who can pull you out of any low mood with little effort.
Lately, my depression has seemed to be relapsing, and I went through a few days where I felt absolutely nothing. I ignored him for most of that time. I even kind of started to hate him. I tried to convince myself that I don't really care about him, that I don't even want to be around him.
On Monday, it just kind of all came back. I remembered why I fell for him in the first place, and I realized that he's a definite reason why my head stays above water. Even if he really frustrates me sometimes, I still need him around.
Yesterday afternoon, it occurred to me that this will keep going in circles. I'll start to get tired of him, start to hate him, and try to distance myself. Then I'll just fall for him all over again. Repeat 1000 times. It's never going to end. And while this was reassurance, it just made me hate him more. So I was texting him, and I tried to give an angry sort of response, but I just ended up laughing hysterically.
Less than two hours later, I was hiding in my room listening to Three Days Grace and playing 1010 to try to keep from going insane (This probably only had half to do with him. I have not been able to concentrate on schoolwork lately. It's that busy time of the year where everything gets really stressful). I eventually started to feel scared because my room doesn't lock, and very soon my mom would get home and I didn't want her to find me like this. So I locked myself in the bathroom.
After about fifteen minutes or so, he started texting me again, and a certain chain of texts just caused something to snap. So I typed it. Just three words. It took me four minutes to press send, and as soon as I did, I powered down my phone and unlocked the door.
I think the reason I finally told him was because I realized that he was probably just going to laugh, and then talk about some random thing a little while later. In other words, completely neutral response. And I was right.
At school today, I felt a lot more relaxed around him (kind of nervous, but still calm). I don't think it's even really hit me yet that I said it. But I realized that it feels really good to have that off my chest. And I know I meant it. If I hadn't, I probably wouldn't have said it. And I've known for a while that I don't really want to be in a relationship with him, that I more just need him around. But I definitely have feelings for him. And after trying to hide it for so long, it feels good to finally just admit it.
Yesterday, I finally told my best friend that I love him. (Text message, which I know is kind of the coward's way out, but I'm not even close to being ready to say it in person). For close to a year now, I've felt something for him that I haven't really felt before. I mean, I've had crushes before, but I was merely attracted to them. I like this guy because he's probably the first person I've actually felt like myself around. He doesn't even really have to try to get me to smile. His mere existence even kind of saved my life once, back when I didn't really know him (long story). He's that sort of person who can pull you out of any low mood with little effort.
Lately, my depression has seemed to be relapsing, and I went through a few days where I felt absolutely nothing. I ignored him for most of that time. I even kind of started to hate him. I tried to convince myself that I don't really care about him, that I don't even want to be around him.
On Monday, it just kind of all came back. I remembered why I fell for him in the first place, and I realized that he's a definite reason why my head stays above water. Even if he really frustrates me sometimes, I still need him around.
Yesterday afternoon, it occurred to me that this will keep going in circles. I'll start to get tired of him, start to hate him, and try to distance myself. Then I'll just fall for him all over again. Repeat 1000 times. It's never going to end. And while this was reassurance, it just made me hate him more. So I was texting him, and I tried to give an angry sort of response, but I just ended up laughing hysterically.
Less than two hours later, I was hiding in my room listening to Three Days Grace and playing 1010 to try to keep from going insane (This probably only had half to do with him. I have not been able to concentrate on schoolwork lately. It's that busy time of the year where everything gets really stressful). I eventually started to feel scared because my room doesn't lock, and very soon my mom would get home and I didn't want her to find me like this. So I locked myself in the bathroom.
After about fifteen minutes or so, he started texting me again, and a certain chain of texts just caused something to snap. So I typed it. Just three words. It took me four minutes to press send, and as soon as I did, I powered down my phone and unlocked the door.
I think the reason I finally told him was because I realized that he was probably just going to laugh, and then talk about some random thing a little while later. In other words, completely neutral response. And I was right.
At school today, I felt a lot more relaxed around him (kind of nervous, but still calm). I don't think it's even really hit me yet that I said it. But I realized that it feels really good to have that off my chest. And I know I meant it. If I hadn't, I probably wouldn't have said it. And I've known for a while that I don't really want to be in a relationship with him, that I more just need him around. But I definitely have feelings for him. And after trying to hide it for so long, it feels good to finally just admit it.
