The magical wardrobe

[Bernardtisman]

Once upon a time a man finding that his wardrobe in his bedroom became overcrowded, suddenly discovered that his wardrobe started to expand many many miles and could now have as much space as possible to hang his belongings up.


On walking into the vast wardrobe that stretched for thousands and thousands of miles the man stumbled upon another door. He went through this door and walked right out onto the beach 1100 miles from home, even though he was only 100 yards from his bedroom, approached through the wardrobe.


The beach was right in the land of Banarnia, the land where every forest was made up of bananas instead of trees.



he walked right out onto this beach and went inside a beach hut. He went up to the wall and a door suddenly appeared, then went through this door and got whisked into outer space, landing on the moon Dunkers, where he entered a magical castle with marble floors and vast rooms, ruled by King Sirloin. He sat on a vast chair 20 foot high and 50 foot wide.


Soon the man went through a door in the castle and landed straight back in his bedroom where he climbed into the wardrobe from.


That night Sydney Jamjar, the man himself got into bed, climbed under the bedclothes and dragged himself to the bottom of the bed. There, he went through an arch into a magical kingdom, where he went straight into a castle, so vast that is stretched for 10,000 miles with loads of giant teddy bears and 50 - headed beasts.


The man walked into a corridor and stumbled upon a huge pool with women who had heads all over their bodies and long tongues stretching for 20 feet, ready to grab any fish that came out of the River Smax.


The creatures stuck out their 20 foot tongues and nearly grabbed the man ready to gobble him up but escaped just in time, by climbing into a bottle with both ends.
He came out of the other end and ended up in a bed 1000 feet long.
It was Prince Gaspian who slept in this vast bed, but he was away in Snoddia, his favorite country on a tour of the Dogacombs.


Prince Gaspian came from Snarnia.


The man crawled along the inside of the bed and landed up inside a toilet built into the bed sheets.
It was used by the owner if he was caught short whilst in bed.
The man then flushed himself down the toilet and landed in an underground river made of chocolate, passing licorice allsorts men on the way and giant 7 - headed mice, some with beaks.


A mouse with a beak, it's never been heard of, but that's what the man saw on his travels through the chocolate river.


The river led into the Burly Sea, with fish sitting up at tables eating their meals and trees urinating on lawns.


By now it was time to go home so the man tapped his feet on the ground and in a jiffy was back in his bedroom.

 

[WildCat]

May I ask why you opted to use a large size font? Visual problems?

I know this is this off topic forum, but perhaps next time you could use a smaller font for easier reading?

 

[. . .]

. . . but perhaps next time you could use a smaller font for easier reading?

Yeah. This would be advisable.

@Bernardtisman - I'll leave your first post as it is, but if you choose to make further posts please don't use an unnecessarily large font size.

Also, if you don't mind, I think it would be good if you'd introduce yourself to the people of this board before posting more short stories. You of course don't have to do this, but I recommend it.

 

[WildCat]

I was suggesting it might be a visual problem, as I remember another user here who used a slightly larger font. That I can understand, but for people like myself who can pick out small pixels from feet away it's not very convenient.

It would be nice if he did introduce himself, but then again he's not the only one either.

 

[Bernardtisman]

My name is Bernard Tisman, and the Magical Wardrobe that I have written is about entering another land through the wardrobe.

You actually walk into the wardrobe and right in front of you inside the wardrobe is a vast room stretching for thousands of miles.
Not only that, you come across a number of doors inside the 5'000 mile long room inside the wardrobe.
You open the door and this lead's you to a vast fantasy world made up of dragons, teddy bears and trolls, plus gigantic castles, whilst anther door inside the wardrobe will lead you out onto the beach.
But,
"be careful, you could come to a door, and if you open it you could fall down a massive hole and get sucked into huge mouth down at the bottom.

 

[Bernardtisman]

My Stories

THE WEEKLY WASHING



One Friday the carer walked in to collect the man's washing and was shocked to find it piled five foot high in the laundry basket.


The man, one of the residents of Meatloaf Lodge, had accumulated so much washing over a period of one week that it built up and built up until it reached five foot high.


The carer, from Articulate Care, said:


"Too much, too much, I can't wash that, you'll have to cut down my boy.
You have stacked the washing up to five feet high".


The man begged the carer to wash and in the end she had to give in and what happened, the huge five foot high pile of washing took up 20 washing machines, but only some could be accommodated in the four washing machines, so she had to go to a nearby launderette to get the remainder washed, for the pile of washing was so huge that it could take up to twenty washing machines.


The carer warned the man that if he wasn't careful he could fill up every launderette in the whole world with the amount of washing that he accumulated over a period of one week, 'and it's a waste.
Not only that you could deprive other people the chance to put their washing in the launderette with the amount of washing you've built up over a period of one week.
And, another thing, my boy, If you aren't careful your amount of washing could be so huge that it could stretch for one mile.

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IT'S FISH AND CHIPS TIME



Bernard Cheeseman is busy doing his computer and receive's a call at the door.
The carer walks in and says'
"Your dinner's ready, 'please come down at once".
The resident rushes like mad as he gets all worked up, so much that he drops the mouse accidentally onto the floor down at the back of the computer.
It's because he's too much in a hurry.
He goes absolutely berserk because he had to be called up to go down to his fish and chips.
He leaves the flat and rushes down the stairs screaming and shouting then goes into the dining room.
There, lying on the table is his fish and chips.
The carer is in the room and says:
'Sit down at once and eat your dinner, I won't tell you again. I won't put up with any nonsense from you Bernard cheeseman.
You're just like a little kid.


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MOTORWAY NEWS




The go - ahead has been given to build a new motorway called the M.000. It will run from Kingston - upon - Toilet to Portsham, a city next to Portsmouth.

This was announced by the Government today.
It will relieve congestion on various triple carriageway roads coming in and out of London and will run through the Hindhead Tunnel.
This could result in the A3 road having to be abolished.
Because of the destruction imposed on the Surrey Landscape by this monstrous new motorway various towns and villages will have to go to make way for this 500 lane motorway.
This includes Guildford.
This city will be razed to the ground to make way for this massive motorway, but do not worry, a new Guildford will be built - where Havant now stands resulting in Havant having to be demolished to make way for this new city of Guildford - the first time that a Surrey town has been shipped to Hampshire.

The new Guildford (now in Hampshire) will be a massive metropolis stretching for 50 miles, resulting in a lot of towns and villages being swallowed up by this massive city.
This does mean that Rowlands Castle will become a suburb and town in the new massive city of Guildford.
Even Fishbourne where the Roman villa is won't be spared for it could become a town in the conurbation of Guildford.

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THE EGG FACTORY OF SNODGRASS WAY





Once upon a time there stood a giant egg factory in Snodgrass way Ilford.
Every person who worked here had to be in by 9.45 every morning otherwise he would be sent to prison.

10, 5745 eggs were manufactured every day .
when ready the eggs would be given to chickens who would then lay them.

when a chick hatched out he had to have a bath otherwise he would melt.
after he had a bath a newly hatched chick would be put to bed.
When he got up in the morning the chick returned to the egg he hatched out of.

Every chick was born without a head, so he had to have one specially made inside a chicken's head factory.

When the chick was fitted with a head he had to look after it because a head costs a lot of money.

for chickens who needed two or more heads a special machine was used.
The chicken had to be put into the machine.
then it was fitted with two heads or more if it needed them.

By the time a chicken was three months old it went to school.

Lessons included, how to lay eggs the proper way, and the warning that if a chicken ate eggs it would turn into an elephant.

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THE MAN EATING POTATO




Once upon a time a giant potato went on the rampage eating up any person who got in it's way.

The potato brought terror to London.

This mad vegetable once burst into a school playground gobbling up 20 children.
Terrified out of their lives the remaining children rushed into the school to raise the alarm.
They knocked on the headteacher's office and told him about the man - eating potato.
The head rushed downstairs,
And,
"What a shock he got.
there was the giant potato barging it's way into the assembly hall.
So Mr News, the headteacher got out his rifle and shot the potato dead.

 

[Bernardtisman]

Re: My Stories

THE CROWDED DINING ROOM TABLE





?At the Fishbourne Day Centre people were bunched close together at the dining room table at lunchtime. So tightly packed they were that whenever someone tucked into a bowl of soup it would then spill right onto the person sitting next to him.

?You, you?ve ruined my trousers boy.

?I can?t help it, the table is so overcrowded?

?See how you would like it if ?someone emptied soup all over you.?



A fight then broke out, with two men chucking food all over each other.

?Hey you, stop it at once said Mick Dungpile, the manager.

?He started it that Messer.

?The table is overcrowded said Simon Streetmap, one of the users.

?Oh, Poppycock, you?re making it up said the manager.

Get back on that table at once before I do my nut.



?The overcrowded dining room wasn?t the only trouble at this centre for there was on other thing ? the dinner money.

The price for a meal was ?50. It shows what a scum the manager was. ?But worse was to come for centre charge fees were to be introduced.

It would cost ?45 per day just to attend.



?The dining room table was meant to take only 12 people but 25 were bunched so close to each other on the table.

?If you had to go to the toilet you were likely to knock the other person over because it was so grossly overcrowded.
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THE APPLETOWN RIOTS







Once upon a time, in the city of Appletown riots broke out.

Bottles ,bricks and stones were thrown, and in one incident a policeman's head was knocked off by a gang of hooligans, who then got hold of it and chucked it through a window. The yobs then picked up the head which they took from a policeman and kicked it down the street.

In turn other yobs grabbed hold of their victims and they too knocked their heads off, leaving them headless.

All hell broke loose as gangs of youths made off with a load of human heads which they took from their victims and played football with them.

'Fancy playing football with a human head. That's what the troublemakers did as they knocked loads of peoples' blocks off.

Kicking heads down streets and all over the place, then chucking them through windows became the pastime of these yobbos.

Not only that, loads of buildings were torched by chucking firebombs tucked inside human heads through the windows, which the yobs wrenched off from their victims, who could not defend themselves because they were left without their heads.

Of course you wouldn't expect people to defend themselves when they've got no heads on their bodies.

Of course no one in their right mind would knock off other peoples' heads and play football with them.

Anyone who steal's a man's head is a coward.

Even bombs started rioting for they threw themselves at each other, and lamp posts started to fight, even kicking policemen about.

Even the town park joined in the rioting, for it flew round the town.

In the end a number of arrests were made.

Yobs were muzzled and slung in cages hung from lamp posts so anyone could see what scum they were - the first yob zoo to exist

in the British Isles.




Arrests that were made included the town park which got arrested for flying around the town.

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THE DEVIL'S PUNCHBOWL TOILET





This is a toilet close to the Devil's Punch Bowl, deemed to be the biggest in the world, for the toilet is about five miles wide, 'used for visitors to the Devil's Punch Bowl who want to relieve themselves.

The Devil's Punchbowl toilet is a massive toilet bowl that can seat up to 500 people who have to sit down on this massive bowl which can reach up to a depth of two miles.

To prevent people from falling down into the whacking great big toilet, the biggest toilet in the world they are shackled to the side of the bowl with chains.

The toilet which is huge has to be flushed with 700 chains and five million gallons of water.

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THE BILLIARD BALL TREE








Once there was a tree that grew billiard balls in Goodfood Park.
It was a good idea because it saved buying billiard balls.
Before the balls could be used they had to ripen, but, ?beware, a bird could very easily hatch out of the billiard ball or the ball could spit poison at you. Worst of luck the billiard ball could bite and that bite, and that bite could be poisonous. It could even kill, and, ? if it does then the man who planted the billiard ball tree could be charged with murder.
As it was in a park lawn billiards was the main game, that is, ?a game of billiards without the table.
There were other games as well, such as, ?duck pond football.
You had to climb into the duck pond and play football, surrounded by ducks all the time, but you ran the risk of a rogue duck pecking the football. To prevent this, the only way was to spray duck repellent on the football.

 

[Bernardtisman]

Re: My Stories

THE DEVASTATING LOSS OF THE FREEDOM PASS





One day when Bernard Cheeseman got off the bus at Beehive Lane he had his pass with him, but, 'when he got to the centre it had gone, and what a mayhem he created over the lost bus pass. He threw chairs banged doors and chucked his bag across the room, narrowly missing one of the staff by inches.



"You, my boy, I've had enough of you, any more of that and I'll have you out of this centre.

You nearly knocked me over.



Listen here my boy, the only way to sort out this freedom pass business is to phone London Transport and District.



And, please make sure you have your photos with you when you apply for a freedom pass, if you haven't then you can go to the nearest phone booth and have your photos taken.



It's like Bernard Tisman when he lost his freedom pass.

It happened on Wednesday, November 30th 2011.



It's a while since it happened.

The person who lost his freedom pass was me, Bernard Tisman.

Because of this I had to buy an oyster card to get me home.
The oyster card cost ?5.00, plus ?2.50 top up.


The incident happened when I got off the bus.
I had it when I made my way to Mitkadem day centre, but by the afternoon it had gone.
If there would have been a bird flying overhead it would have swooped down and swiped it out of my coat pocket by grabbing it with it's beak and make off with it.


The freedom pass would have ended up as a tasty meal for the bird, most likely a crow.


My freedom pass is most likely dead by now, for without it's owner it could die.


Without the freedom pass I would have to pay fares when coming to the Mitkadem day centre on Wednesdays.

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LATEST NEWS


Bernard Tisman's freedom pass has been found dead.
It's body was found in Blenheim Avenue, Gants Hill.
It was a passer - by who found it dead. Not only that, the freedom pass was rotting away as well, found in an advanced state of decomposition.
It stunk.
In fact the smell of the rotting freedom pass was so foul that everybody who came out of their houses collapsed but soon recovered.
They had to cover their faces with hankies because of the terrible stink that was coming from the rotting freedom pass.
Not only that, a lot of foul smelling fluid was oozing out of the dead freedom pass which was rotting away quite rapidly

Bernard Tisman's cousin has been notified of the freedom pass's tragic death.
He said:
"I am sorry to hear of the death of your freedom pass.

A post mortem will be carried out to find out exactly what caused the freedom pass to die so tragically.

The cause of death at the moment is unknown.

It's most likely that the freedom pass could have died of hypothermia.
This mean's that if you do get a new freedom pass make sure it's wrapped up warm when you use it, and if it does ever fall ill call your doctor.

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My Freedom Pass




If my freedom pass was one foot wide I would never lose it.

It would be good if I could use a biscuit as a freedom pass, or my nose.
All I have to do is press my nose on the oyster card machine where the driver sits and then I go to my seat to sit down.

A potato could also be used as a freedom pass or my own head.
To do this I would have to take my head off and press it against the oyster card machine.
Once this is done I then put my head back on my own body.
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THE SUITCASE PASSPORT TO YOUR HOLIDAY DESTINATION



Once upon a time a man opened up his suitcase and saw a hotel right at the bottom of the suitcase.
He then climbed into the case and went straight into the hotel.
It was a good idea because it saved him a long journey to his holiday destination which was 500 miles from home, but with the suitcase it was only two feet away from his home, as the suitcase was two foot deep.

The man booked in after he came out of his case and into the hotel.

This suitcase entrance to the hotel also meant that the man didn't have to travel from his home to where he was holidaying at.
The suitcase provided the man with a shortcut to his hotel.

The hotel entrance appeared at the bottom the suitcase soon after the man packed all his belongings in his case.

Once the man arrived at his hotel the clothes reappeared in his case as soon as he climbed out of it and into the hotel.

It was a Butlin Warners Hotel, situated at Stoke Bay Sussex.

The man's suitcase provided him with a shortcut between his home, which was 500 miles away and his home. This meant the suitcase reduced the distance from 500 miles to only two feet from his home.

Once he got into his hotel bedroom after he booked in the man unpacked his case, but found that he forgot to take his computer with him, so he climbed into his suitcase and went straight into his home. he then got hold of his computer, climbed into his suitcase and back into his hotel bedroom.

The suitcase shortcut between his own home and the hotel was a good idea because it saved him from travelling 500 miles.

The novel idea was the existence of a wormhole at the bottom of his suitcase which made it easy to travel 500 miles in only just two feet.

The suitcase wormhole was handy machine to have.

The man also had another wormhole - his large rucksack.
He could use this to go on outings whilst on holiday, saving him a coach journey, but he would miss the scenery on the way, so he saved it for occasional outings.
All he had to do was climb into his rucksack and in a jiffy he would be in the nearest town which was five miles away in only just one foot.
He then climbed out of the rucksack, switched off the wormhole and his belongings reappeared inside his bag.

When the time came to go back the man would switch the wormhole back on, climb into the bag and in a distance of only one foot he was back inside his hotel five miles from town.

 

[Bernardtisman]

THE FLIGHT TO SPEORIA‏



One day it was decided that a family was going to go on holiday to Speoria, so they boarded a flight at Scatterwick airport.
They checked in and went into the terminal.
They boarded a plane, but something happened.

The plane broke wind and let off a terrible stink, in fact so horrible that everybody passed out.

The wind was traced to the pilot's back passage.
Somehow it had escaped into the plane's engine and the plane blew off.

Despite this the stinkoplane, as the aeroplane was now called, managed to continue it's flight, but everybody had to wear gas masks on the board because of the stink. Fortunately the air hostesses managed to take out antibacterial air fresheners and in no time the stink died away.


The pilot that caused the stink to escape into the engine from his back passage, which in turn seeped into the cabin and passenger compartments of the plane got sent to prison.

A warning was read out that no stinkers were to be allowed to board the aircraft and pilot it after an aeroplane broke wind.

The family who were going to Speoria were put onto another plane.
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THE FLU JAB THAT WENT WRONG‏



Once upon a time Bernard Tisman had a flu jab, but something terrible happened, for on the way home his arm swelled up to the size of ten buses put together, in fact so gross that the swelling broke open the car that was used to take him home.

Both passenger and driver got thrown into the road as the car broke apart because the arm was so grossly swollen that there was no room in the car to accommodate it.

The pressure of the swollen arm caused it to push against the door and roof with the result that the roof got pushed off and the door wrenched off it's hinges.

In fact the swollen arm got so big that it broke the car up into lots of fragments.

The flu jab led to even something more terrible for the man swelled up to 500 times his normal size and had to be rushed to hospital, and even ended up having surgery.
In fact he died 600 times before finally being brought back to life again.
He was put into intensive care and remained in hospital for 10 years.
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THE DAY BERNARD TISMAN SMASHED UP GOODMAYES LODGE‏‏




One day Bernard Tisman went off his rocker all because he was shut out of his flat.
He had forgot his keys.

And what happened?

The answer:

He went berserk in the dining room and threw chairs.
Not only that.
He also went out into the garden and emptied his bowels onto one of the garden tables.

Yasita shturber, one of the support workers caught Bernard Tisman in the act and shouted:

"You filthy disgusting pig, how dare you sh..t on the table. If you dare do that, Bernard "Sh..tman" Tisman I'll send you to a care home where the staff will make sure that you don't defecate where you're not wanted."

"Now get inside you disgusting filthy pig"

The news reached Bernie's cousin, Ryvita Bournemouth.
She said,

"After what Bernie did, defecating on the garden table, I don't want anything more to do with him.

"Earlier on he apparently went berserk in my house in Colin Brown Gardens.
He threw his bag on the floor and urinated on my carpet.

"How disgusting he is,
' My own cousin.

Fancy doing things like that.

I know one thing.
He is a filthy disgusting animal, and he swore at me, telling me to f--- off.

I'm going to tell his cousin, Alan Key, to say that from now on, we, our own family will wash his hands of him.

From this day he's now longer a member of our family.

He's got no family now.
It's his own fault for swearing at me and defecating on the Garden table at Goodmayes Lodge.

One of the carers had to clear Bernie's mess up.

It ain't fair on the other residents because they have to use the tables in the garden.

To see excrement on the garden table is enough to put anybody off from using the tables, never mind the other residents who live at Goodmayes Lodge, for if they find out that Bernard Tisman has been defecating on the garden tables they'll absolutely go berserk and do Bernie in, even smash his face in.

One of the carers took out the master key and opened up Bernard Tisman's flat.

"Now, my boy, get in there, I don't ever want to see you again.
You're a filthy disgusting pig.

Fancy defecating on the garden table.
Only animals would do things like that, not human beings.

If I ever catch you doing it again Bernard Tisman, sh..tting on the garden table, I'll have your guts for garters.

Bernard Tisman was sent to Coventry by the carer Rose Bush.

The trouble started when Bernard Tisman got invited to Ryvita's house, and that was after dinner.

Apparently he tried to bring up phlegm and was told not to make that disgusting noise.

In fact Bernie was in such a state that he had to go home early.