The Marriage Question

[Turk]

First off, let me start off by saying I love my wife. However I recently posed the question to myself, if I knew what I know now, and could have my time again, would I marry. There have been some really wonderful moments that I will treasure, however they have come at a huge cost. Where most Aspie's can hold it together long enough to finish a work day, married life extends that load, to almost breaking point. Being undiagnosed for so long left my wife dealing with a full blown Aspie, and she has generated quite a bit of bad feeling, in those years. The revelation that came with the label, had her unwilling to compromise any further, understandably. The loss of identity, I have felt, by no longer being able to be myself, has caused me considerable problems. It brings into question whether I should of been married in the first place. To put a partner through this to start with, then to have to sacrifice every fibre of your being, to be accepted later, really is destroying me. There is no doubt my wife deserves better, but at this point, its a debt im going to fall short on. So to any of you other Aspie's who are married, given your time again would you marry an NT again.

 

[ChildoftheCorn]

I suspect that my husband is AS, too. He feels no need to be diagnosed, though. We simultaneously get each other better than anybody and drive each other crazy. I can't imagine myself with anyone else, except maybe Benedict Cumberbatch.

 

[Ste11aeres]

From what I've seen of different married couples, there is not one pattern. Different couples have very different relationships, some seem very nice, others not nice so. I don't think any of us here can answer your question; only you can.

 

[Ste11aeres]

This is an interesting video where he makes it clear that some couples have very good, others have very bad patterns for dealing with each other and relating with each other.

 

[Ereth]

I can't imagine myself with anyone else, except maybe Benedict Cumberbatch.

I imagine you have quite a lot of company in that case. (I don't mean to distract from the serious nature of this thread at all, but I laughed when I read this. )

 

[Peace]

First off, let me start off by saying I love my wife. However I recently posed the question to myself, if I knew what I know now, and could have my time again, would I marry. There have been some really wonderful moments that I will treasure, however they have come at a huge cost. Where most Aspie's can hold it together long enough to finish a work day, married life extends that load, to almost breaking point. Being undiagnosed for so long left my wife dealing with a full blown Aspie, and she has generated quite a bit of bad feeling, in those years. The revelation that came with the label, had her unwilling to compromise any further, understandably. The loss of identity, I have felt, by no longer being able to be myself, has caused me considerable problems. It brings into question whether I should of been married in the first place. To put a partner through this to start with, then to have to sacrifice every fibre of your being, to be accepted later, really is destroying me. There is no doubt my wife deserves better, but at this point, its a debt im going to fall short on. So to any of you other Aspie's who are married, given your time again would you marry an NT again.

I am the same my friend. My wife went through the hell that is figuring out your spouse is an Aspie, and all of the resentment that goes with it. I tried but could not make the sacrifice you speak of. We are now getting divorced. I Love her, but it can not be at the cost of loosing myself.
As for the future, I no longer have the need for the institution of marriage. I don't know what the future holds, but I know that it will include Aspergers. Best of luck,
Peace

 

[Ste11aeres]

I wonder if any of this applies?

 

[Nolan1971]

If I found the right person yes but I would prefer an Aspie or at the least someone with a condition that would give them
sympathy and understanding. I have never had a close friend that did not have a disability of some kind to relate to
and of supposed perfect health.

 

[Andy R]

I've been very lucky. I have been with my Wife since I was 19 and she was 17. (Same ages as our kids are now!). I have only just been diagnosed with Asperger's. We are still researching, but it seems apparent that we have built our own ways of coping with what I had, without knowing what it was.

 

[Ereth]

If I found the right person yes but I would prefer an Aspie or at the least someone with a condition that would give them sympathy and understanding. I have never had a close friend that did not have a disability of some kind to relate to and of supposed perfect health.

I understand your reasoning, but . . . I really don't see having a disability or medical condition as an automatic indicator of an empathetic personality. Going through similar experiences can help people relate to each other, but you should never assume that someone is or isn't going to understand based on the presence, or lack of, a condition of some sort.

 

[Nolan1971]

I understand your reasoning, but . . . I really don't see having a disability or medical condition as an automatic indicator of an empathetic personality. Going through similar experiences can help people relate to each other, but you should never assume that someone is or isn't going to understand based on the presence, or lack of, a condition of some sort.

I agree it is my experience that leans me in that direction as everyone I have met who has never seemingly struggled has never
understood.

 

[nowwhat]

First off, let me start off by saying I love my wife. However I recently posed the question to myself, if I knew what I know now, and could have my time again, would I marry. There have been some really wonderful moments that I will treasure, however they have come at a huge cost. Where most Aspie's can hold it together long enough to finish a work day, married life extends that load, to almost breaking point. Being undiagnosed for so long left my wife dealing with a full blown Aspie, and she has generated quite a bit of bad feeling, in those years. The revelation that came with the label, had her unwilling to compromise any further, understandably. The loss of identity, I have felt, by no longer being able to be myself, has caused me considerable problems. It brings into question whether I should of been married in the first place. To put a partner through this to start with, then to have to sacrifice every fibre of your being, to be accepted later, really is destroying me. There is no doubt my wife deserves better, but at this point, its a debt im going to fall short on. So to any of you other Aspie's who are married, given your time again would you marry an NT again.

I would definitely not marry again. And then one of my kids walks by....Man, I don't know.

 

[Turk]

I would definitely not marry again. And then one of my kids walks by....Man, I don't know.

Im hearing ya NW, and its a hard call. That is why it's such a loaded question

 

[nowwhat]

Life's Rich Pageant and all that.

 

[Joel I]

I'm engaged & wonder sometimes: is this a good idea? I'm getting sick of the constant fighting!!!! But I love Will more than I thought was possible, though I never thought I could fall in love.

 

[tlc]

I'm engaged & wonder sometimes: is this a good idea? I'm getting sick of the constant fighting!!!! But I love Will more than I thought was possible, though I never thought I could fall in love.

I'd say do a serious evalution now before you get married because divorce is expensive and a real hassle. It might hurt now but can hurt a LOT more later.

These days, I feel the same about losing myself with any relationship I get into. So I've learned to stay away from them. Everybody is looking for the house, kids, animals, social circle, the whole deal. And nothing wrong with that. But I'm not anymore. They deserve better than me. People are sometimes drawn to me because I am good with my daughter, and because I can figure out and fix nearly anything. And can play music. But that's really all I am.

Being married twice, I can say 100% that I'll never do it again. I said it the first time then did it. I should have listened to myself and so this time there's no kidding around. I'm done.

These days I don't see a point in it anyway, at least from a guy's (or aspie's) point of view. The woman loses any single mom benefits and essentially straps me with the burden of kids I didn't make. It makes me financially responsible for her past debts, loan defaults, etc. I lost a year's tax return because of this. Women supposedly see it as a symbol of love but I see it as just another pressure to lay more responsibility onto me. Two people can love each other and be committed for decades without all the legal crap. Like many people I know. Likewise two people can be married and have a life of cheating on each other and even live in separate houses. Like the president of a company I worked at, wife had a million dollar house with the kids, he lived in a condo with his girlfriend and his booze.

 

[Sparticus]

Depends. I could marry Pocohontas...or any woman of the Earth. But modern materialistic woman?! Hmm I'll have to ask Creator on that one...

 

[muddled]

I'm pretty recently engaged; though I don't have as much time or experience as you guys, I can really see how resentment and ill-feeling can be generated by one person being an Aspie.

There have been quite a few arguments, but we seem to be learning slowly but surely. E.g. now it's no longer a big issue if I don't go out to clubs, and avoid parties.

I can see how after a while the toll of old arguments and resentments can mount. It worries me.

My strategy is to make sure that I'm the one with the problems; and that they are my problems; and that they place no restriction on my fiancé. He goes to parties, he goes to clubs. He worried at the start that we would be living separate lives - but hey, I'd be sitting in the corner of the room, avoiding the dance floor, reading a book anyway; so I'm never really there anyway. I try not to vocalise my problems much with him - outside of our relationship my life really really sucks right now; I don't want to drag a big black cloud into my last refuge.

I love him. I love the cat. And the house is alright. I have no idea what will happen in the future; all I can say is... bring it.

 

[Judge]

I'm pretty recently engaged; though I don't have as much time or experience as you guys, I can really see how resentment and ill-feeling can be generated by one person being an Aspie.

There have been quite a few arguments, but we seem to be learning slowly but surely. E.g. now it's no longer a big issue if I don't go out to clubs, and avoid parties.

I can see how after a while the toll of old arguments and resentments can mount. It worries me.

My strategy is to make sure that I'm the one with the problems; and that they are my problems; and that they place no restriction on my fiancé. He goes to parties, he goes to clubs. He worried at the start that we would be living separate lives - but hey, I'd be sitting in the corner of the room, avoiding the dance floor, reading a book anyway; so I'm never really there anyway. I try not to vocalise my problems much with him - outside of our relationship my life really really sucks right now; I don't want to drag a big black cloud into my last refuge.

I love him. I love the cat. And the house is alright. I have no idea what will happen in the future; all I can say is... bring it.

At least you are starting out armed with being self-aware. I suspect that's half the battle right there. To be forewarned, thus forearmed. Information I didn't have at the time which might have saved some of my past relationships. You're in a good place...something to feel good- and confident about.

 

[Joel I]

I'm pretty recently engaged; though I don't have as much time or experience as you guys, I can really see how resentment and ill-feeling can be generated by one person being an Aspie.

There have been quite a few arguments, but we seem to be learning slowly but surely. E.g. now it's no longer a big issue if I don't go out to clubs, and avoid parties.

I can see how after a while the toll of old arguments and resentments can mount. It worries me.

My strategy is to make sure that I'm the one with the problems; and that they are my problems; and that they place no restriction on my fiancé. He goes to parties, he goes to clubs. He worried at the start that we would be living separate lives - but hey, I'd be sitting in the corner of the room, avoiding the dance floor, reading a book anyway; so I'm never really there anyway. I try not to vocalise my problems much with him - outside of our relationship my life really really sucks right now; I don't want to drag a big black cloud into my last refuge.

I love him. I love the cat. And the house is alright. I have no idea what will happen in the future; all I can say is... bring it.

Seriously this is getting weird the situations sound so similar. But I am not as together as you.