the more convinced I am a woman is into me, the less likely I am to make a move

[FeatherBird]

I've made moves on total strangers with relative ease before (That being said, I stopped because it's a worthless endeavor. Virtually no woman is going to accept a total stranger's advances)

On the other hand, if I know a woman well, and the woman has dropped potential clues of being into me, I have a crippling phobia preventing me from making a move.

From a logical standpoint, I understand it would make more sense to be the other way around (being more likely to make moves on a woman you know who's dropped potential clues vs making a move on a total stranger).

For the longest time, I blamed my phobia of making a move on a woman I know (who's dropped potential clues) on 2 factors:

-The awkwardness of having to run into her after a possible rejection (at least if you get rejected by a total stranger, you're highly unlikely to run into her ever again)
-I'd feel like the world's biggest idiot for misreading her (what I thought were) clues

After giving it some thought, it's dawned on me that the core reason for my phobia goes deeper.

The core reason of why I'm terrified to make a move on a woman I know well (and who I suspect might be into me): I'm extremely self-conscious about my ASD.

I can explain. When I misread a woman's clues, I (in my head) blame my ASD. Every rejection by a woman I thought was into me is yet another reminder of my ASD (I speak from experience. Even though I currently refuse to act on potential clues, I've acted on potential clues in the past...and gotten rejected)

In addition to what I already said about being highly unlikely to run into a total stranger ever again, I also have no reason to feel like an idiot (and no reason to blame my ASD) if I get rejected by a total stranger. Because I never had any reason to suspect a total stranger is into me.

It's unfortunate that my strategy is perhaps the worst strategy ever for getting a woman. Surely there have been opportunities I've missed through the years.

 

[Tom]

I never took ASD into consideration as I did not know that was what it was. I did know I was different and had been told that enough times to know it was true, but all the same I was just me, as I was. You are looking for someone who likes you as you are, and the only way to do that is be yourself.

 

[Rodafina]

@FeatherBird
What does “make a move” actually mean to you? Sounds like you are doing something physical. Surprising someone with physical affection would likely get a different reaction than having a conversation about feelings.

I wonder if you might be more confident and successful with an autistic gal.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

From a logical standpoint, I understand it would make more sense to be the other way around (being more likely to make moves on a woman you know who's dropped potential clues vs making a move on a total stranger).

Maybe it's helpful to think of it as being affectionate with someone you know is interested in that, instead of with someone who hasn't expressed this desire. Why be affectionate with a complete stranger? You could get yourself into legal trouble, not to mention what they might feel. It might also be helpful to just ask if they want to kiss/hug/whatever, if you're not. No reasonable person will be upset if you respect their boundaries.

The awkwardness of having to run into her after a possible rejection (at least if you get rejected by a total stranger, you're highly unlikely to run into her ever again)
-I'd feel like the world's biggest idiot for misreading her (what I thought were) clues

Everyone gets rejected and misreads people. It can feel horrible, but it really isn't a big deal. Get to know someone well and build a real relationship, and those other experiences won't seem so important. They can help you make better connections in the future, too.

It's unfortunate that my strategy is perhaps the worst strategy ever for getting a woman.

It may also be helpful to not think of it as "getting a woman." Building a connection would probably get you something more meaningful.

 

[FeatherBird]

@FeatherBird
What does “make a move” actually mean to you? Sounds like you are doing something physical. Surprising someone with physical affection would likely get a different reaction than having a conversation about feelings.

I wonder if you might be more confident and successful with an autistic gal.

No, I don't mean getting physical.

By "make a move," I mean express interest in her verbally.

It's been suggested to me before I should look for a woman on the spectrum. I'm not entirely opposed. But there are 2 unfortunate factors to take into account:

1. The gender ratio of the autism spectrum makes it mathematically impossible for all (or even most) men on the spectrum to get a woman on the spectrum

2. On a spectrum forum I used to post on (which I won't name), a lot of female posters had no sympathy for male posters who struggle with the ladies (some of the female posters even blamed/mocked us for our struggles). There's a reason I stopped posting on there.

 

[FeatherBird]

Maybe it's helpful to think of it as being affectionate with someone you know is interested in that, instead of with someone who hasn't expressed this desire. Why be affectionate with a complete stranger? You could get yourself into legal trouble, not to mention what they might feel. It might also be helpful to just ask if they want to kiss/hug/whatever, if you're not. No reasonable person will be upset if you respect their boundaries.



Everyone gets rejected and misreads people. It can feel horrible, but it really isn't a big deal. Get to know someone well and build a real relationship, and those other experiences won't seem so important. They can help you make better connections in the future, too.


It may also be helpful to not think of it as "getting a woman." Building a connection would probably get you something more meaningful.

I don't kiss or hug total strangers (but since I didn't elaborate on my OP about what I mean by "make a move," it's fair that you jumped to that conclusion). As I clarified to another poster a few minutes ago, what I mean by "make a move" is: Express verbal interest.

As for why I have an easier time expressing verbal interest in a total stranger vs a woman I already know (and who's dropped potential clues of being into me): As silly as it sounds, the fact a total stranger hasn't given me any clues of being into me is precisely what makes it easier for me to express interest in a total stranger [Because then if she's not into me, I can blame it on the fact she merely doesn't know me...plus, it's not like I thought the total stranger was into me anyway, therefore a rejection from a total stranger doesn't mean I misread a clue. Whereas if a woman I know well, and who has given me potential clues of interest, were to reject me, it would be a reminder of my ASD (which I'm extremely insecure about) causing me to misread a woman's clues]

To address your comment about how even neurotypicals are prone to misreading a woman's clues, you're 100% correct. But neurotypicals read a woman's clues correctly a much higher percentage of the time than a man with ASD does.

If I were neurotypical, rejection likely would be less of a big deal because:

1) Since I'd be better (even if not perfect) at reading a woman's clues, I'd statistically be more likely to find another woman after getting rejected
2) Since I'd be better at reading a woman's clues, I'd be less likely to even end up in the position of having to find another woman (because I'd be less likely to get rejected in the first place if I was better at reading a woman's clues)
3) If I were neurotypical, at least I wouldn't end up feeling like feces because of my ASD after getting rejected

 

[Pats]

Talking to strangers is safer, in a sense. It don't hurt when they look at us weird and walk away. I'm that way in just conversation. I can have a long conversation with a total stranger and me actually be the one to start it. With people I know I have a harder time figuring out what to say because of past experiences. Those are the ones that look at me weird and walk away.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

No, I don't mean getting physical.

By "make a move," I mean express interest in her verbally.

It's been suggested to me before I should look for a woman on the spectrum. I'm not entirely opposed. But there are 2 unfortunate factors to take into account:

1. The gender ratio of the autism spectrum makes it mathematically impossible for all (or even most) men on the spectrum to get a woman on the spectrum

2. On a spectrum forum I used to post on (which I won't name), a lot of female posters had no sympathy for male posters who struggle with the ladies (some of the female posters even blamed/mocked us for our struggles). There's a reason I stopped posting on there.

yeah its long been said that there are far more men than women on the autism spectrum, and yes, i don't need to say, but this is a burden or norm that men will likely always be stuck with, hence why, cases like Tony, or just wizardry, are always male dominated.