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The Nature of Asexuality

Spotty01

Well-Known Member
asexual_flag_by_simonfantic996-d8sagsf.jpg

I feel like this might be a private, pressing matter for some, but if you don't want to speak of it here, then you don't have to. No judging here. ^^


Alright, onto the topic proper. This is a bit of a random topic that came to mind, but I haven't made a thread in a while (just watched the responses rack up in the threads I've already made) so I decided on this one. Buckle up, kiddies, 'cause this is gonna be a long one (have I already made this joke?)

I haven't met many people of the "asexual" orientation in real life. Okay, scratch that, I've never met a person of the asexuality orientation in real life... unless they just never talked about it. If so, then I just straight-up don't know. But here's a weird thing regarding this. Back in high school, and, Hell, even in late middle/junior high/secondary school, it seemed like everyone was either going around talking about their sexual orientation every single time they opened their mouth or were bragging about the people they've "sexed" with or the people that they want to do it with, as well as talking about how they want to have kids once they graduate (or, in some cases, they were already pregnant).

Yeah, high school was a bit of a mess...

Really, though, I've never understood the appeal. Like, at all. I'm not going to say I'm not guilty of thinking about it from time to time, but whenever I do, it makes me feel really uncomfortable and a bit anxious. If you want more examples, then I've got plenty. Seeing a couple of students making out in the halls? Ugh, gag me. Seeing a makeout or sex scene in a TV show or movie? I either look away, change the channel, or just get plain nauseous.

On top of that, you're risking A LOT by sticking your private parts in someone else's. Let's see, there's sexually-transmitted diseases (some which are fatal or just torture you for the rest of your life), the possibility of injuries or even death from getting, er... "creative" with it, and, of course, when you're a female, there's the ever present possibility of pregnancy, which is practically an STD in itself IMO (that is strictly my own opinion, just remember that). I just don't feel like going through forty years of bleeding half to death once a month and the only way to stop it being going through nine months of puking, hormonal imbalances, and wishing you were dead.

I don't consider any of that worth it. At all.

There are plenty of other people who are A LOT more willing to deal with nine months of the aforementioned pregnancy symptoms and then eighteen more years of taking care of another human being than I am. In all seriousness, I've seen so many people with 3 or more kids that they're barely paying attention to and casually allowing to run wild and be a bunch of annoying little s***s that I have officially lost count. It’s appalling. Why have ‘em if you don’t care enough to take care of ‘em? Not to mention we can apparently just grow fetuses (fetii?) in test tubes or something, so why do we even need to reproduce biologically anymore?

Am I sounding like a misanthropic monster yet? Yes? Well, too bad, because this vent train is still rollin’!

Why is asexuality looked down on so? You look up “asexual” or some variation of the word, half of the pictures will be posters about how asexual folks are always misunderstood and often bullied horribly for some reason. Why? Apparently a lot of people simply assume it means “aromantic” (someone who experiences no romantic attraction to others) or never allow asexual people to be asexual, as if having love without sex is some sort of capital crime. Now, I, for one, wouldn’t mind identifying as aromantic one way or another. I’ve had to deal with enough BS with simple friendships, I don’t even want to begin with anything that isn’t platonic. I wouldn’t mind having a best friend or something, sure, but no further than that.

Romantic relationships just seem too… risky? Is that the right word? If you get with the wrong man or woman, you may find yourself trapped in an abusive relationship or end up involved with some things you strictly do not want to get involved with (imagine meeting a nice guy/girl… then learning they’re in a violent gang or in the mafia or something like that). There’s also the risk of getting taken advantage of for your body; from what I’ve seen, a frightening amount of people only want you for your body (I AM NOT SAYING THEY ALL DO, please don’t eat me…) and that just a five-star recipe for an abusive relationship. Especially when I, for one, absolutely despise the idea of having sex and, even more so, the idea of getting pregnant in a sea of people who want nothing but that out of a partner. I feel like that could end up running off a lot of people and, at the time being anyway, I don’t know how I’d react to getting dumped.

To put it lightly, my bitter, grudge-holding reactions to losing a friend, much less a romantic partner, are bad enough. It’s just not a form of hurt I ever want to have to feel again; if my only friends end up being a bunch of strangers on the other side of a computer screen, then so be it.

But, back to the main topic. I saw one that said, simply: if sex without love can exist, then why can’t love without sex exist to? Really. Why? Maybe it’s a morality thing; by not having sex, you’re not contributing to the world around you, but then again, it’s not like we’re living in a post-apocalyptic, blasted wasteland! Jeez, maybe think more about overpopulation than under-population! I mean, just look at China!

Okay, okay, breathe. Back to the main topic.

I’m a little curious, is asexuality a common thing with folks on the Spectrum? I’ve noticed a few people here have said they have kids, which banishes the whole “asexual” idea, but is anyone else on here of the asexual sort? Again, it’s a private question, I know, but I’m just little curious. I kinda feel like I’m the only asexual person on Earth right about now.

One more thing: where are all the asexual pride things? The flags? The parades? The social groups and such? As far as I know, there aren’t any. I feels a little unfair. All the other LGBT folks get these things, but asexual folks don’t? The asexual spectrum just seems to be full of nothing but trying and failing to be understood by the world and being forced to hide their orientation from the world while LGBT’s throw their orientation around like confetti on the Fourth of July.

Seems a little like us with ASD, if you ask me.

That is all.

2163577.jpeg
 

Yes, Yes, Yes. I posted that I have been asexual all my life on another thread. When I learned about asexuality a number of years ago, I said Hey, that's me! I felt like I was the only one who grew up feeling just as you posted. No way could I have written it better than you. You are spot on, Spotty01.
I wonder also why other sexuality types go around so prideful, flaunting it like it's all so special. Grandious somehow.
I believe in everyone doing what their feelings lead them too as long as they aren't imposing an abusive act on someone who doesn't feel the same. I so agree with what you've said here. The only thing with seeing it on TV or a video that's different with me, is I can just detach from it so it doesn't bother me. I'm good at emotional neutrality with a lot of things. Maybe my low EQ ?
I think Aspies might lean more towards asexuality more than NTs. Not all. We're all different. But, this is a question I've wondered about too since I've found I'm an Aspie as well as an asexual.
I just haven't gotten around to creating a post on this, but, I've been thinking about it.
I only ask this as a curious research and hold no bias for any sexuality type.
 
I identify as asexual. For me it isn't so much that I am repulsed by sex as I just find it boring. I am actually pretty blaze about sex and nudity, I just don't wish to join in.
 
Love the diagram as long as you DONT physically assault someone or are verbally abusive
its perfectly alright you would have been happier as a1st century Jewish disciple
asexual_flag_by_simonfantic996-d8sagsf.jpg

I feel like this might be a private, pressing matter for some, but if you don't want to speak of it here, then you don't have to. No judging here. ^^


Alright, onto the topic proper. This is a bit of a random topic that came to mind, but I haven't made a thread in a while (just watched the responses rack up in the threads I've already made) so I decided on this one. Buckle up, kiddies, 'cause this is gonna be a long one (have I already made this joke?)

I haven't met many people of the "asexual" orientation in real life. Okay, scratch that, I've never met a person of the asexuality orientation in real life... unless they just never talked about it. If so, then I just straight-up don't know. But here's a weird thing regarding this. Back in high school, and, Hell, even in late middle/junior high/secondary school, it seemed like everyone was either going around talking about their sexual orientation every single time they opened their mouth or were bragging about the people they've "sexed" with or the people that they want to do it with, as well as talking about how they want to have kids once they graduate (or, in some cases, they were already pregnant).

Yeah, high school was a bit of a mess...

Really, though, I've never understood the appeal. Like, at all. I'm not going to say I'm not guilty of thinking about it from time to time, but whenever I do, it makes me feel really uncomfortable and a bit anxious. If you want more examples, then I've got plenty. Seeing a couple of students making out in the halls? Ugh, gag me. Seeing a makeout or sex scene in a TV show or movie? I either look away, change the channel, or just get plain nauseous.

On top of that, you're risking A LOT by sticking your private parts in someone else's. Let's see, there's sexually-transmitted diseases (some which are fatal or just torture you for the rest of your life), the possibility of injuries or even death from getting, er... "creative" with it, and, of course, when you're a female, there's the ever present possibility of pregnancy, which is practically an STD in itself IMO (that is strictly my own opinion, just remember that). I just don't feel like going through forty years of bleeding half to death once a month and the only way to stop it being going through nine months of puking, hormonal imbalances, and wishing you were dead.

I don't consider any of that worth it. At all.

There are plenty of other people who are A LOT more willing to deal with nine months of the aforementioned pregnancy symptoms and then eighteen more years of taking care of another human being than I am. In all seriousness, I've seen so many people with 3 or more kids that they're barely paying attention to and casually allowing to run wild and be a bunch of annoying little s***s that I have officially lost count. It’s appalling. Why have ‘em if you don’t care enough to take care of ‘em? Not to mention we can apparently just grow fetuses (fetii?) in test tubes or something, so why do we even need to reproduce biologically anymore?

Am I sounding like a misanthropic monster yet? Yes? Well, too bad, because this vent train is still rollin’!

Why is asexuality looked down on so? You look up “asexual” or some variation of the word, half of the pictures will be posters about how asexual folks are always misunderstood and often bullied horribly for some reason. Why? Apparently a lot of people simply assume it means “aromantic” (someone who experiences no romantic attraction to others) or never allow asexual people to be asexual, as if having love without sex is some sort of capital crime. Now, I, for one, wouldn’t mind identifying as aromantic one way or another. I’ve had to deal with enough BS with simple friendships, I don’t even want to begin with anything that isn’t platonic. I wouldn’t mind having a best friend or something, sure, but no further than that.

Romantic relationships just seem too… risky? Is that the right word? If you get with the wrong man or woman, you may find yourself trapped in an abusive relationship or end up involved with some things you strictly do not want to get involved with (imagine meeting a nice guy/girl… then learning they’re in a violent gang or in the mafia or something like that). There’s also the risk of getting taken advantage of for your body; from what I’ve seen, a frightening amount of people only want you for your body (I AM NOT SAYING THEY ALL DO, please don’t eat me…) and that just a five-star recipe for an abusive relationship. Especially when I, for one, absolutely despise the idea of having sex and, even more so, the idea of getting pregnant in a sea of people who want nothing but that out of a partner. I feel like that could end up running off a lot of people and, at the time being anyway, I don’t know how I’d react to getting dumped.

To put it lightly, my bitter, grudge-holding reactions to losing a friend, much less a romantic partner, are bad enough. It’s just not a form of hurt I ever want to have to feel again; if my only friends end up being a bunch of strangers on the other side of a computer screen, then so be it.

But, back to the main topic. I saw one that said, simply: if sex without love can exist, then why can’t love without sex exist to? Really. Why? Maybe it’s a morality thing; by not having sex, you’re not contributing to the world around you, but then again, it’s not like we’re living in a post-apocalyptic, blasted wasteland! Jeez, maybe think more about overpopulation than under-population! I mean, just look at China!

Okay, okay, breathe. Back to the main topic.

I’m a little curious, is asexuality a common thing with folks on the Spectrum? I’ve noticed a few people here have said they have kids, which banishes the whole “asexual” idea, but is anyone else on here of the asexual sort? Again, it’s a private question, I know, but I’m just little curious. I kinda feel like I’m the only asexual person on Earth right about now.

One more thing: where are all the asexual pride things? The flags? The parades? The social groups and such? As far as I know, there aren’t any. I feels a little unfair. All the other LGBT folks get these things, but asexual folks don’t? The asexual spectrum just seems to be full of nothing but trying and failing to be understood by the world and being forced to hide their orientation from the world while LGBT’s throw their orientation around like confetti on the Fourth of July.

Seems a little like us with ASD, if you ask me.

That is all.

2163577.jpeg
 
I have met people who are asexual and very open about it. Locally it seems ok to show up at Pridefest and wear an asexual pride t-shirt. In a more general way, socially, it's still difficult. I used to make up crushes and boyfriends to hide my indifference and lack of sexual history. Other people do talk about sex a lot. Way too much, particularly if they are a bit drunk.

Love your rant. I sounded pretty much like you about sex about 6 years ago and that could have been my rant at one time. I still pretty much agree with the whole thing.

As it turns out I'm not asexual. At 40 I did decide to have sex (I got him tested first). But as much as I'm happy with my current relationship I can't imagine sex with anyone else. Not as a matter of pure loyalty but more disinterest. I just don't have a random lust setting. When I look at guys, no matter how good they might look, I don't think about them in a sexual way. My bf is the one exception. In current terminology I guess I am demi-sexual, maybe. Labels kinda bother me but it's a way of describing a certain aspect of me so I use it when it's useful.

There is way too much social pressure to want lots of sex, to dress "sexy", to always have a sexual partner or two or three, ect. Sex is actually risky and a bit weird. If it's not your thing then it's not your thing. It is more acceptable to be asexual or demi-sexual now than it used to be thanks to the idea of sexuality being a spectrum. Hopefully people will quit making jokes about people being "virgins".

And the idea of becoming pregnant scares me still. Hopefully it never happens, very good precautions have been taken but nothing is 100% exactly. I mean things reverse them-self as I know someone on the forum posted about once. So, I do worry about the whole pregnant thing and am hoping the menopause kicks in sooner rather than later.
 
I identify as asexual. The most annoying thing is when people laugh at me because they don't believe asexuality exists, or they think i am too young to know that i am truly asexual. The reason it seems to be so rare might be because people don't talk about it. It isn't considered something important, or something you should joke about. Which can make a person really angry when everyone else is making jokes about bieng gay, but asexual jokes are weird. And yes, it does feel like being on the spectrum. Because unless you want to be ridiculed, you have to shut up and pretend you're like everyone else. And when trans and bi people are saying that shouldn't happen and flaunting how they have a place in society, it really does feel unfair.
 
I'd imagine if you surveyed monasteries throughout the centuries you'd find a much higher rate of asexuality among monks from any tradition.

The modern world has no concept of the value of asceticism, voluntary celibacy, or aromantic living. The asexual community seems to be recovering something that was lost to western civilization post protestant reformation, albeit in a different avenue and wider expression.

That said, I'm not asexual, but I honestly could have probably been happy being single and celibate my whole life. I was until I met my wife, never dated anyone before her, never kissed anyone or even so much as held hands with anyone. Dating seemed totally meaningless and I wasn't really interested. Had we not wound up together I'd probably still be in the same boat.
 
i used to identify as asexual but the more i understood about it the more i felt it didnt describe my lack of sexuality enough,i have no feelings of any kind for a sexuality or relationship,humans to me are the same as an ash tray or a stone on the floor,a generic object,i now call myself nonsexual i dont care if it isnt a identified sexuality or not,but it describes me.
 
I'm sex repulsed and used to identify with asexuality but stopped. Now I'm not "allosexual", whatever that means, and I actually kind of hate that word, but I'm not asexual, aromantic, or gray either. I don't use the split attraction model and just say I'm bisexual in order to indicate sexual and/or romantic attraction to multiple genders.

But being a sex-repulsed non-ace who has difficulty with relationships because of low empathy, I'm not really different materially from a bisexual gray-ace/aro who doesn't have sex. So because of that, I'd say I have a place here. And I really don't need any kind of movement or flag or whatever for not having sex. I don't feel any need to talk about it or pretend I'm inherently different from anyone because of my relationship with sex. And I don't really think anyone assumes I want sex or feel sexual attraction for any reason other than thinking that bisexuality is inherently sexual or that being trans is the same as getting horny from crossdressing.

And speaking of that, there's just one comment on here that's kind of bothering me. I've never heard of bi and trans people "flaunting how we have a place in society" so I'm just not sure where that comes from tbh
 
And speaking of that, there's just one comment on here that's kind of bothering me. I've never heard of bi and trans people "flaunting how we have a place in society" so I'm just not sure where that comes from tbh
in the past few years, the bi and trans communities have been gaining more popularity in society. These people are starting to feel better about freely expressing thier identity, because the media is shedding light on how these people do not have a problem, they are just being who they feel comfortable with being. Don't get me wrong, this is great. But when asexuals are still shamed (virgin shaming and whatnot) it is easy to become jealous about not having a place to fit in. Just a few weeks ago, i was on a network chatting with friends when a guy came in and said "hi, i'm xxxxxxx and i'm trans!" It was out of nowhere, no context, nothing. I know this was one incident and one guy, but some people just don't know when to express themselves in moderation, and when people do this, it makes others who do not have societal backing feel like outcasts. Learning when to talk about sexuality is part of the journey for anyone in the lgbtq community, and the straight community for that matter. All of these groups just need to learn moderation, and maybe some members already have. It's good to be yourself, but not good to constantly announce it.
 
in the past few years, the bi and trans communities have been gaining more popularity in society.

The vice president of my country would electrocute the bi and trans out of me if he could. It's also perfectly legal in my state to fire me for both my gender and sexuality, I have relatives who think I'm a filthy predatory sinner, dozens of trans women of color have been murdered in the US over the past three years, 60% of bisexual women have been abused by a partner (compared to 35% of straight women), and last year the largest mass shooting in modern US history was committed out of homophobia and transphobia. I really don't see how we're gaining more popularity.

These people are starting to feel better about freely expressing thier identity, because the media is shedding light on how these people do not have a problem, they are just being who they feel comfortable with being.

Actually I'm terrified of coming out so I don't know where you're getting that from.

And the media victim blamed Amber Heard, one of the most well-known bisexual women in the world, for the homophobic violence she experienced from her straight husband - who still has a successful career, by the way. It also mocks trans women as "men in dresses", which leads to violence against them, and allows conservatives and fascists a platform to speak their hate against us. And it frequently frames bisexuality, especially female bisexuality, as a fetish for straight people's consumption.

But when asexuals are still shamed (virgin shaming and whatnot) it is easy to become jealous about not having a place to fit in.

And what tangible effect does this have on aces offline? Also how are people who don't have sex hated more than those who do (esp. women, gay/bi people, trans people, intersex people, disabled people, people of color)?

Just a few weeks ago, i was on a network chatting with friends when a guy came in and said "hi, i'm xxxxxxx and i'm trans!" It was out of nowhere, no context, nothing.

If it was online, that's probably the ONLY place he could be out without immediately putting himself at risk. just keep that in mind. how often have you been genuinely afraid for your safety while telling people you're asexual in real life?

I know this was one incident and one guy, but some people just don't know when to express themselves in moderation,

you know right now you sound a lot like conservatives who tell me that I'm shoving my identity in their faces. just keep that in mind

and when people do this, it makes others who do not have societal backing feel like outcasts.

maybe don't make a trans person's coming out all about you

Learning when to talk about sexuality is part of the journey for anyone in the lgbtq community, and the straight community for that matter. All of these groups just need to learn moderation, and maybe some members already have. It's good to be yourself, but not good to constantly announce it.

straight cis people and cis aro ace people always think that lgbt people talking about our same gender attraction and gender divergence in any kind of positive way is excessive and inappropriate. An LGBT person taking pride in their identity and being visible and talking about it is doing something radical. don't ever shut that down
 
If there are to be more posts in this thread,
let's have them on the subject proposed by the OP:
Asexuality: the experience of being without sexual interest
 
I dont know about the A sexual label itself... I have some nasty sensory issues with touch. I am married and we did have one boy. But growing up I never got into the high school scene. At school sex seemed to be the only subject. So I was not in the in crowd. I did get a date with a really pretty girl and she stuck her tongue in my mouth and I literally wanted to puke and go wash my mouth out with bleach or something...

Why was that so gross to me? It still is... And the touching stuff I can make it through it (sometimes) but its nowhere on the radar of enjoyable. I feel bad over it. I know thats not "normal" along with a hundred other messed up things with me.

I actually struggle really bad for people to touch me, even my wife who at this point mostly hates me...
But I don't blame her... Yes, she has always known I struggle with it but that doesn't help her out in any way...

So if I could rewind time... I would probably be in the Asex camp and not get married and be just fine... Just for sensory reasons alone, but that never means I wish to not be mr stud muffin for my wife... Sadly that doesn't count so I'm just sort of stuck in what probably was not a good choice. One of many I might add..

But we are human and not perfect so we do mess up and do the best we can with the messes we make : )
 
I did get a date with a really pretty girl and she stuck her tongue in my mouth and I literally wanted to puke and go wash my mouth out with bleach or something...
I also hate kissing with tongue. I can tolerate a little bit of tongue, but I have also had people pretty much lick my mouth out, which is simply disgusting. I much prefer closed mouth kissing. My partner says that my kisses are very "chaste."
 

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