The price of Honesty

[Turk]

I havnt always been truthful about my condition. My Physcologist suggests being as honest as I can with people, as a way of freeing myself and moving forward.
With this in mind, an opportunity arose, to talk to a work colleague, about my condition. After going through much detail with him, I was a little disappointed, in what happened next. He begins criticizing me for certain aspects of my behavior, with comments like " Oh I wondered why you did screwed up stuff like that " Never has he spoken to me, about any behavioral concerns, before. The moment I offer up a potential flaw, he's on it, like a shark on a wounded fish. Its almost like, he now see's me as inferior, so he doesnt need to hold back anymore. Weve always worked well together, and in many regards, my skills are superior to his, yet he's focused on things, I have limited control over. As much as he may see me in a dysfunctional capacity, I wonder how this type of behavior cant be seen as dysfunctional, in itself. Dont get me wrong, im up for criticism, if its there, but to use a moment like this, is nothing more than predatory behavior, in my eyes.Something that was supposed to be of therapeutic benefit, will have me scrutinizing others, a little more closely, in future. I saw this behavior as inappropriate, but I didn't call him on it, at that moment. So in a moment of complete anxiety driven panic, I offered him something he didnt offer me. So at this point NT world, you are going to have to prove how evolved you really are, on a case by case basis. As its no longer a given, from this point forward. Have any of you experienced this type of intolerant thinking from someone, you thought you knew.

 

[Christy]

I have found my bosses to be fairly intolerant, and are of the opinion I just need to work harder. I have not told them I am an aspie.

Last year I found out my colleague has an aspie son who is having a lot of troubles fitting in to his school. The son is becoming violent, so my colleague has been taking time off work to spend with his son. I got the opportunity to briefly talk with him, and he was very guarded and defensive, and he explained our bosses are of the opinion his son just needs a good smack, and that my colleague should not be taking the time off work for an undiscaplined child.

I will not tell my employers my diagnosis as I fear their opinions will change from me just not working hard enough, to being either unemployable (poor work ethic as they don't believe in the condition) or incapable.

I told another colleague my diagnosis as we get along very well. He has been very supportive and actively tries to help. He has explained that it is all about perceptions, and has been trying to teach me how to interact with my bosses as he believes I do the job well but my bosses just aren't aware of it as I don't say the right things.

It's all very frustrating. If I do the job well, I would like to be recognised as such. I don't like having to manage how people perceive me, but I think that is just the reality of the company I work in.

I know it's ideal to be honest about our condition, but the reality is it is perceived as a weakness. As such I think we need to be really careful who we tell.

I'm sorry that happened to you Turk.

 

[bentHnau]

...or maybe he was just doing the NT thing of being "polite" by not mentioning things he doesn't like about you, and then he saw your disclosure as an opportunity to open up about that?

 

[Turk]

Yeah that did cross my mind as well. He's always been a straight shooter and never really had any issues with openly expressing his opinions, which is what I always liked about him. Ive seen him call plenty of people out, which is why its a little confusing

 

[Turk]

I have found my bosses to be fairly intolerant, and are of the opinion I just need to work harder. I have not told them I am an aspie.

Last year I found out my colleague has an aspie son who is having a lot of troubles fitting in to his school. The son is becoming violent, so my colleague has been taking time off work to spend with his son. I got the opportunity to briefly talk with him, and he was very guarded and defensive, and he explained our bosses are of the opinion his son just needs a good smack, and that my colleague should not be taking the time off work for an undiscaplined child.

I will not tell my employers my diagnosis as I fear their opinions will change from me just not working hard enough, to being either unemployable (poor work ethic as they don't believe in the condition) or incapable.

I told another colleague my diagnosis as we get along very well. He has been very supportive and actively tries to help. He has explained that it is all about perceptions, and has been trying to teach me how to interact with my bosses as he believes I do the job well but my bosses just aren't aware of it as I don't say the right things.

It's all very frustrating. If I do the job well, I would like to be recognised as such. I don't like having to manage how people perceive me, but I think that is just the reality of the company I work in.

I know it's ideal to be honest about our condition, but the reality is it is perceived as a weakness. As such I think we need to be really careful who we tell.

I'm sorry that happened to you Turk.

I suppose the disappointing thing for me Christy is, that those close to me tell me im deceptive. They know its not intentional but see it as, not coming to terms with my condition. In the face of all this, im a little annoyed that, people dont see that they are not giving me a choice The NT world is so full of double standards, it makes it almost impossible, not to put a foot wrong

 

[Christy]

I read a book once that used a pictural analogy which I particularly liked. It was a pie chart that had a black area signifying wrong, a white area signifying right, and a grey area signifying things that are neither right or wrong but are your personal choice. Sometimes, for whatever reason, we shift decisions out of the grey area and into the black or white areas. When we do so, the black and white areas grow, and the grey area shrinks, giving us the feeling that we can't get anything right, or that we are not free to express ourselves properly as we can't make any decisions for ourself. The book has caused me to question when people tell me there is a right or wrong way to do things.

Sorry Turk, but you can choose to tell whoever you like. That is your choice, and there is no "right or wrong". It is not deception to withhold personal information. We share personal information with the people we love because we want to do so, not because it is the right thing to do. We certainly have no obligation to share personal information with people we have no particular attachment to.

 

[Archer36]

Few years ago, I tried to volunteer in a local theater as a stage crew. On the form, they asked for relevant medical info. I wrote that I had Marfan syndrome, just because its good to let people know you have it in case an accident happens or if they have concerns. So i sent the form, went for the interview .. and she asked me tons of questions about it ... i honestly answered and told her several time that basically i had no limitations really.

Anyway ... i was rejected ... they didn't have "available positions" at the time.

The year after ... I tried again ... filled up the form ... wrote down that I had Marfan again ... the lady called me back for another interview ... went through the same questioning again ... But this time I showed her that I was annoyed by her questions.(you know, the thing you shouldn't do during an interview) ... then went home ... the lady called all my reference and asked them questions about my physical condition. Such a waste of time.

Anyway (again) ... they finally hired me and i worked over 1000 hours there since then ... and what I learned, is that no one there ever heard of someone that got rejected after an interview.

So yeah ... I learned that honesty is a very good thing. However, some people are just unable to process the honest information properly. They screw up ... They don't understand and they make a bad call on it. Instead of choosing the best choice, they make a mistake because they don't understand properly.

Bottom line, now I'm very careful when I disclose that kind of information to people, even the one I know well. Because some of them are just not able to understand properly and they don't have the capacity to question themselves or simply to go fetch additional information if they are unsure.

Ah well ... Humans are funny creatures sometimes.

 

[MacLoughlan]

I've had the experience with NTs of "oh, that's you Aspergers" as a (lame) excuse for their own defects, bad manners, and conceited one upmanship. NT basically being an ass. "the fault lines not in the stars, but in YOU, NT"! It happens, and it's a pain.

For example, one of my young relatives is interested in movie making, and is leaning towards making a career, after he finishes in school, in those areas. I had engineered (pre-prepared, like I always do) a part of a conversation to specifically introduce the ideas that career movie making is a business to my young relative - that the reality of movie making as a career is a very different proposition to making them as a hobby. Another NT at table said "nobody's interested, it's your Aspergers' and you should know ...." The NT in this case was simply trying to puff himself up at my expense using my Asperger's as the whip ( he had no contribution to conversation, as in his only contributing silence: they say the best conversationalists listen. Ever sat at a table with this type of g"good conversationalists? Boring as hell, nobody says anything!).

I don't have a strategy for dealing with this type of thing, but it happens. I am not in a working environment, and haven't been since I was diagnosed, so I have no idea on the wisdom or otherwise of disclosing to colleagues that I have it.

I'm 48, out of work/trying to start a business since I have no chance of ever getting hired again), and I really don't care who does and doesn't know about my aspergers. If I was working, that might be different.