DTFrontMan
Well-Known Member
I thought I would talk about this here for people who are interested, as I imagine there are a few people around who are looking to online dating sites in the hope of finding a significant other. I'd been part of a few sites for a while and I've made friends as well as formed a couple of relationships, and while they do have their merits there are some serious flaws which I feel are more serious for those on the Autism spectrum. So if you do decide to partake in these websites I think that it will help to keep these things in mind.
1.) All of these sites rely on very impulsive first impressions, they boil things down to their most basic parts when putting you in the view of others while giving them the tools to rate and criticize. For those with social disorders their difficulties in communication can easily take the front line, which means that any issues one may have can easily become the first things people notice about them. This is true in person but websites often lack the added buffer of events and surroundings.
2.) They are setup in a way that encourages people to keep looking when met with someone that doesn't live up to their idea of perfection, with all of the search results they have access to people become more inclined to continue their search for someone better. The tools they have for rating get put to use based on uninformed decisions, people can get a rank of 1-5 stars before even taking part in a conversation. They end up with a system that promotes the act of being judgmental and un-accepting of flaws, keeping people from discovering the true persona of who they're looking at.
3.) The nature of online interaction in general is that of minimal consequence, there is less reason to remain civil and courteous when behind a screen than looking someone in the face. As a result people don't feel bad about completely ignoring responses or stopping communication mid conversation without explanation, and they are more comfortable being rude when they have the desire to be.
4.) I can't speak for females obviously, but a word of advice for males is to remember how other guys can be and expect those of the opposite sex you converse with to have encountered such people tenfold what they would in person. There are plenty of guys on there just trying to get laid without looking for anything serious and they don't have much reason not to be vocal about it. This is something I imagine leads to preconceptions in females, a well mannered "hello" can be seen differently after a long line of attempts at one night stands and rude remarks.
5.) Remember that people will put their best foot forward, in the event that you start forming a relationship don't rely solely on the things on their profile or the stuff they tell you. This is in contrast to and a result of the second point I made, because people know they will be ranked on surface features and looked over because of flaws they are encouraged to be deceiving in order to gain response.
With that said, some websites are better about these things than others. Pay sites of the "non adult" variety like eHarmony in general are your best bet if you're looking for something serious because you're putting your money where your mouth is. Others who are looking for a serious relationship are more likely to look closely if they are able to determine you're looking for the same thing, just saying so isn't good enough because people can basically say whatever they want in order to get their foot in the door. When a site doesn't require payment (probably even those that do), the best option you have is to fill out as much as you can as honest as possible. If you're not taking the time to adequately tell people about yourself don't expect to catch peoples' interest, finding someone you're compatible with isn't about rushing and the lack of time invested can easily be seen as eagerness to encounter. Take the tests these websites provide, answer questions raised by other members and build up some information for them to reference.
Here are my opinions on some of the more popular dating sites...
Plenty of Fish - Uses what I started calling "the shotgun approach". There's not a whole lot to the site and people don't really tell much about themselves on their profiles. Of all the sites I've tried it relies the most on impulse judgement, it's success depends on you conversing with a large number of people in the hopes that one will be better than the rest. I had the most conversations on here by far but they were also the most shallow.
OkCupid - I've used this one the most with the best results but it is a lot of work and rather hard to receive response (for me at least). They have a lot of features which can help you along the way and give people a better idea of who you are, it's quite a bit more sophisticated than PoF but because it is also free there are still quite a few who aren't taking it seriously. I also imagine that it's more geared towards a younger crowd for those reasons.
Match - While it's a pay site I feel it has the most potential of any I've used, though I didn't use it for long and didn't get the chance to take advantage of as much as I'd like. The cost seems to make a difference in their professionalism and it's very much geared towards forming lasting relationships, with the highest number of genuine and mature people I've come across.
I hope that this information helps people in search of that special someone, and I should say that I don't mean to discourage. It's my personal opinion that the best way to find someone you connect with is to do so through friendship before moving forward and these sites make such things a bit hard. I've actually deleted my accounts without anything to show for it (after some bad experiences) with the thought that I'll be better of forming a relationship in person, I think that it's easier for people to read intention through interaction than through letters in an internet browser. At some point I may sign up again and take a different approach with these things in mind, but hopefully others can benefit from them in the meantime.
1.) All of these sites rely on very impulsive first impressions, they boil things down to their most basic parts when putting you in the view of others while giving them the tools to rate and criticize. For those with social disorders their difficulties in communication can easily take the front line, which means that any issues one may have can easily become the first things people notice about them. This is true in person but websites often lack the added buffer of events and surroundings.
2.) They are setup in a way that encourages people to keep looking when met with someone that doesn't live up to their idea of perfection, with all of the search results they have access to people become more inclined to continue their search for someone better. The tools they have for rating get put to use based on uninformed decisions, people can get a rank of 1-5 stars before even taking part in a conversation. They end up with a system that promotes the act of being judgmental and un-accepting of flaws, keeping people from discovering the true persona of who they're looking at.
3.) The nature of online interaction in general is that of minimal consequence, there is less reason to remain civil and courteous when behind a screen than looking someone in the face. As a result people don't feel bad about completely ignoring responses or stopping communication mid conversation without explanation, and they are more comfortable being rude when they have the desire to be.
4.) I can't speak for females obviously, but a word of advice for males is to remember how other guys can be and expect those of the opposite sex you converse with to have encountered such people tenfold what they would in person. There are plenty of guys on there just trying to get laid without looking for anything serious and they don't have much reason not to be vocal about it. This is something I imagine leads to preconceptions in females, a well mannered "hello" can be seen differently after a long line of attempts at one night stands and rude remarks.
5.) Remember that people will put their best foot forward, in the event that you start forming a relationship don't rely solely on the things on their profile or the stuff they tell you. This is in contrast to and a result of the second point I made, because people know they will be ranked on surface features and looked over because of flaws they are encouraged to be deceiving in order to gain response.
With that said, some websites are better about these things than others. Pay sites of the "non adult" variety like eHarmony in general are your best bet if you're looking for something serious because you're putting your money where your mouth is. Others who are looking for a serious relationship are more likely to look closely if they are able to determine you're looking for the same thing, just saying so isn't good enough because people can basically say whatever they want in order to get their foot in the door. When a site doesn't require payment (probably even those that do), the best option you have is to fill out as much as you can as honest as possible. If you're not taking the time to adequately tell people about yourself don't expect to catch peoples' interest, finding someone you're compatible with isn't about rushing and the lack of time invested can easily be seen as eagerness to encounter. Take the tests these websites provide, answer questions raised by other members and build up some information for them to reference.
Here are my opinions on some of the more popular dating sites...
Plenty of Fish - Uses what I started calling "the shotgun approach". There's not a whole lot to the site and people don't really tell much about themselves on their profiles. Of all the sites I've tried it relies the most on impulse judgement, it's success depends on you conversing with a large number of people in the hopes that one will be better than the rest. I had the most conversations on here by far but they were also the most shallow.
OkCupid - I've used this one the most with the best results but it is a lot of work and rather hard to receive response (for me at least). They have a lot of features which can help you along the way and give people a better idea of who you are, it's quite a bit more sophisticated than PoF but because it is also free there are still quite a few who aren't taking it seriously. I also imagine that it's more geared towards a younger crowd for those reasons.
Match - While it's a pay site I feel it has the most potential of any I've used, though I didn't use it for long and didn't get the chance to take advantage of as much as I'd like. The cost seems to make a difference in their professionalism and it's very much geared towards forming lasting relationships, with the highest number of genuine and mature people I've come across.
I hope that this information helps people in search of that special someone, and I should say that I don't mean to discourage. It's my personal opinion that the best way to find someone you connect with is to do so through friendship before moving forward and these sites make such things a bit hard. I've actually deleted my accounts without anything to show for it (after some bad experiences) with the thought that I'll be better of forming a relationship in person, I think that it's easier for people to read intention through interaction than through letters in an internet browser. At some point I may sign up again and take a different approach with these things in mind, but hopefully others can benefit from them in the meantime.
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